Author Topic: Newly Widowed  (Read 8240 times)

RobinBlue

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Newly Widowed
« on: February 26, 2015, 07:38:51 PM »
Hi everyone,

My name is Robin and I just lost my husband of 29 years on the 17th. He was my buddy, best friend and soul mate. It all happened so fast that my head still spins. He went in for a swollen ankle in December ... by February 2nd he was diagnosed with Mantle cell non-Hodgkin Lymphoma then, 15 days later he's gone.

This man protected me and guided me for 29 years. He was my world and everything. He was with me when I buried my parents and another dear friend years ago. But I am emotionally lost without him here to help me through this - if that makes any sense.

I don't have family to speak of. I have friends ... but they're mainly his friends. He has family but they're all on the east coast (we're out on the west coast). I hate to keep drawing on his friends for support ... and making them listen to the same things over and over again. And, to top things off, I am painfully shy with strangers so a bereavement group, right now, just isn't part of the solution.

I have never felt pain like this before. I was bracing for this when he got the diagnosis, but the cancer wasn't even staged yet ... he passed before the final piece of the staging could take place. We didn't even get a chance to fight the monster (I survived breast cancer - 11 years out ... hoping for 12).

Yesterday was extremely hard ... I had to go in for my annual mammogram ... and he wasn't there waiting outside for me. I had to face the demon alone and it just rips me apart. I have never felt so all alone. I went from being a daughter to a wife.

In short, I'm a tearful mess.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

Terry

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2015, 07:50:34 PM »

((((((Robin))))))

I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your precious husband. It all happened so very fast from the diagnosis to his dying. I understand that feeling of just 'lost' and having my greatest supporter/comforter gone.

Please try to take one day, one hour and even a second at a time so as not to get too overwhelmed. I know it's not easy and it's also a struggle. Take care of you, especially now. Snack on healthy foods. Drink plenty of water. Rest even if you are unable to sleep. And try to walk everyday. Grief plays havoc on our immune systems and we can and do become very sick.

Know we are here for you and post any time, day or night. Someone is always listening. We all understand the pain from a great loss.

Sending hugs, my love and understanding, :love9:
Terry



funlearningmother

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2015, 12:33:51 AM »
Oh Robin what a rough time you are going through.

I understand not having anyone else around except his friends and being on the other side of the country all to well. I had a similar experience and I have had to fight my way back to a life and not just survival. Some days I still fight for life. Being lost is a normal grief process and something I have felt many times. Always wishing to see him again.

Take good care of yourself, come talk on here when you need to. One thing about this is that you can talk at anytime and will get a response eventually. Some people just look and read. We all care and you can share as you need to. This is a place where you don't have to worry about 'bothering' the people in your life that don't understand and you can share without worry of talking about it too much.
You will share what you need to.

Hugs and love,
Shelby x

Janka

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2015, 05:39:08 AM »
Dear RobinBlue!

I´m very sorry for your loss!Welcome on here in our spiritual family where all of us help each other as much as possible,because we all feel the same knowing what you´re going through right now.Please,come here as often as needed to do not feel all alone.There are many great people here and we try the best we can to be your support and comfort anytime you need to.I lost my beloved man as well as you and I know how hard it must be for you.It hurts more than words can say.My beloved Jan died so suddenly that it was a terrible change from morning till night and remembering it feels like "yesterday".My world has knocked down,because I lost my "everything" in 18 hours,so I´ve never felt such a big pain in my whole life,too.You can read my story on our board.There are also videos and my own poems I´ve been writing for my beloved Jan on here.It´s written from the bottom of my heart.I also don´t have family to speak of,that´s why I understand that you feel so alone now.Fortunately having my best friends can help me as much as possible.I also met a very kind priest has been helping me like nobody else.God is my biggest help.I hope that you have someone close to you being for you as much as you need right now.I´ve found out my real family on here,so I don´t feel so alone as before.At that time I was looking for those knowing what I had been going through.Nowadays I hardly believe that it´s been more than 1000 days and nights without my beloved Jan.I love him above all.He is my only one forever.It still hurts and I´ve been only learning to cope with my pain,but I know he is by my side all the time,helping me hold on my way to home he is waiting for me to come.I´d like to be your support whenever you need to talk to...Just know that your beloved husband is by your side all the time,helping you to get through this hardest time of your life and loving you as well as before.

Please,take care and remember that one day we´ll be with our loved ones again.

Hugs from Janka

​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka

RobinBlue

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2015, 12:02:30 PM »
Thank you all for the warm welcome. It is comforting that I'm not alone or that my feelings are unique. Some days it feels like my head is going to explode ... I've always been the type to just face things head on, get things done and move on. And right now I feel like I'm standing in quicksand. I did set a goal for myself ... to accomplish one thing a day ... doesn't matter how big or small. Just something ... whether it's mailing something off or making a phone call.

People come and go ... I really don't have a best friend that I can draw on here locally. So I do what I can then I shut down for the day.

Today is going to be difficult because Tom's (my husband) best friend is coming by to pick up his tractor. This was something my husband cherished. And I know it might be too soon to transfer/sell something like that ... but it's only going to rust in the yard and I want it where it can be used and cared for and I know his best friend will take as much pride in it as Tom himself did. It's just going to be difficult to see it loaded up on a trailer and hauled away.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

RobinBlue

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2015, 02:28:00 PM »
Well the tractor is gone ... and I wailed about letting it go. Then I went out, by myself, to pick up Tom's ashes. He's home now. And I'm surprised I didn't wail over that. He's actually sitting next to his big screen TV. There's something comforting in that.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

funlearningmother

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2015, 11:48:31 PM »
((((Robin))))

Those sound like very good goals, to accomplish one thing a day. A suggestion with all the crying you are doing, it would be wise, as Terry said, to drink lots of water and another thought I had is to have a sitz bath. I have learned that when you cry, you are releasing toxins and emotions out of your body so besides being very relaxing it is good to have a sitz bath so the salt will draw out the toxins better and you may sleep better. I just know that when I have a bath like that I feel so much better the next day. When I get out of the tub I am usually exhausted and if I go straight to bed, lights out, I can get to sleep quick. If not then it takes me minutes to hours to get to sleep. I also have a deeper sleep after a bath then if I don't have a bath.
In case you have never heard of sitz baths. Walmart sells the salt, it's called Epsom salts, and they would be able to help you with finding some, even if you don't want to buy from them at least you know what they look like, etc.

You just lost Tom so take it real easy with yourself. It's been almost 3 years for me and some days are good and other not so much for me. I have my kids to distract me and I have been working on finding myself, since I never really did that my whole life. I have always lived for everyone else and now I am learning to live for myself. I will never stop loving Riki and I will never forget him. I know some things will fade and not be as strong and I am learning to give myself the space to be gentle with myself and if I need to spend the day in bed and force my kids to fend for themselves then that's what I do. Oh and to make it clear for you, my kids are from my ex and all with the same man, not from Riki and so they don't have much of a loss to deal with in respect to Riki.

Hugs and love,

Shelby x

MyLou

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2015, 03:23:50 AM »
(((((( Robin )))))))


I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Tom  :engel2: So true , take one sec, min, hour and day at a time.  Cry , yell , scream let your pain out. 

Welcome to our family here at Webhealing.  You have good advice from everyone but do what is best for you. We all grief differently.  If you can't sleep just lay down and rest. Grief takes everything out of you. 

Please know you can write and someone will always answer you here.


Always,

Lisa
"Soulmates Forever"

I miss you every second of everyday My Love

I know I will see you again

RobinBlue

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2015, 10:12:46 AM »
Rough morning today filled with screaming and yelling and wailing. But as I sit in my chair on this cloudy, dreary day ... I just had the sun peek through. It's a little on the soothing side, but my heart is still shattering ... again ... on the inside.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

Terry

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2015, 01:32:00 PM »

Rough morning today filled with screaming and yelling and wailing. But as I sit in my chair on this cloudy, dreary day ... I just had the sun peek through. It's a little on the soothing side, but my heart is still shattering ... again ... on the inside.


((((((((Robin))))))) :love9:

Sending you big hugs and holding you close today. :love9:

Much love to you,
Terry

arthur

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2015, 09:24:10 PM »
Hi Robinblue.. I am so sorry for your loss..   I know that what you are going through now is a nightmare come true and no words are going to change that.   Just know that you now share the road with others who have had a horrific loss like you have.  I just have a few gentle words about this nightmare time you are going through now. You are in state of shock. Try and get all that pain and loss out of your mind somehow...talk to a friend...join a grief group..write in a journal...make tons of posts here in this forum....everyone here will understand.  Forget the future if you can and just live from one day to the next.  Somehow try and keep contact with someone in this time and try not to be alone.  Get tons of sleep you will need it. Hang in there Robinblue the people in this forum are made of gold and truly understand what you are going through. 
arthur

RobinBlue

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2015, 05:47:54 PM »
It's already turning out to be a long night. Two weeks ago today, I kissed my husband for the last time and we said "I love you" one last time. Then he passed away, alone, in the early hours of the next morning.

And what is making this more difficult is a stepdaughter that is 9 years younger than me ... and for 29 years she has made it very clear that I was not a part of her family. And in the last couple of years, she turned on her father with a vengeance and he died with a broken heart because of her. And she is now intent on making life difficult during the grieving process. I am trying to close the door on that whole ordeal but it's hard. I have guilt over something I shouldn't feel guilty about. And I just can't let this go and process on the important things ... like Tom and I.

I screamed, I wailed and I cursed today. And I miss Tom more than anything.
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

funlearningmother

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2015, 06:35:41 PM »
Robin

I understand the guilt. I feel the same way about my would have been stepdaughter although I do not blame her solely for her decisions. She was only 14 when her dad died and her mother and grandparents liked to lie to her about her dad and things that were going on. I also said some things that I shouldn't have shared with her because I have never had anyone that close to me die and I handled it badly by trying to share things with her about what I was feeling & she didn't like that so cut me out of her life. I have guilt for that and guilt because we had talked about things before he died (he believed he was going to died soon) and I had promised that I would look out for her and even though it's not possible now and it probably never would have been, I still feel like I let her and him down. She needed the support and healthy relationship in her life. I just tell myself that there is nothing I can do and that maybe the lesson is for me to learn and grow from it. I think about her often and send her my love and hope that will help her.

Maybe try asking your self is there anything you could do about it, a letter you could write to your stepdaughter and shred it or send it if you feel it won't hurt you or her. Shredding it or burning it may be a good release for you. You could share everything about the guilt you feel and maybe share with her how you feel about her judgment of you and how it has affected you and your husband. Things like that.

You have a wonderful gift in yourself to cry the way you do. I always struggle with crying even when I feel like my throat is about to burst from the big lump in it. I was trying to cry last night and it just wasn't working. I know I need to and I just couldn't let it out. I guess I just don't feel safe enough to. I'm not even sure why I need to cry. I am just feeling very overwhelmed.

Hugs and love,
Shelby x

RobinBlue

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2015, 07:11:56 PM »
Hi Shelby,

Sometimes, when I feel the need to cry ... the cries get stuck and won't come out. That's when I bury my face in my pillow and scream as loud as I can. And, eventually, the tears will come. I was just having a good cry when a friend called. Distractions. I wish I could give you a hug - I so know that need and desire to cry.

I am currently working on the letter to the stepdaughter that will never be mailed. You know, as badly as she treated me over the years ... that's all forgotten when I think of how she hurt her father. I really don't want to have it out with her (even though she has it coming) ... and that's mostly out of respect for Tom. After all, that was still his daughter. I just hope the door is closed and I can smooth out my feathers and get back to my grieving without her distraction.

I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it - Maya Angelou.

Jean1955

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Re: Newly Widowed
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2015, 08:42:53 PM »
Hi Robin,

I'm sorry for your loss. I am going through a simalar experence as I live out west and most of my family members live in the south. I have no one here and family members think I should be going on with my life. It's only been 2 months since the love of my life passed away. I've was feeling alone until I found this webhealing site. Taking one day and sometimes one minute at at a time is all I can do right now. Talking things out with people that truly understand this grief is really going to help guide me through this journey.
My True Love Forever,

Jean