I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.
I understand too.
I don't take as good care of myself as I used to, and it's much more of a struggle to care, than it used to be. I take some comfort in feeling like I'm moving in a positive direction, even if it is slow with one step back for every two steps forward.
I mentioned that I'm likely to be adopting some girls (17, 14, 11) and I am really looking forward to doing it . . . mostly. The one thing that I work on is battling that worry in my gut, that I could lose one, and I want more than anything else to please, please, please, please, die before any of them do.
But I wanted that with Vince, too. It was my one, biggest wish, like any parent. And I survived, so I know I can survive such a loss. But I still have to work at not letting myself get so overwhelmed by the worry that I don't get back on the horse.
It's hard. It's so hard. It's so very, very, moment by moment. Be good to yourself, and know that this place, and all of us, are here.