Author Topic: So I'm wondering  (Read 9915 times)

SarahW

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 316
  • The moment a child is born,the mother is also born
    • View Profile
Re: So I'm wondering
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2014, 07:45:31 PM »
I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.

I understand too.

I don't take as good care of myself as I used to, and it's much more of a struggle to care, than it used to be.  I take some comfort in feeling like I'm moving in a positive direction, even if it is slow with one step back for every two steps forward.

I mentioned that I'm likely to be adopting some girls (17, 14, 11) and I am really looking forward to doing it . . . mostly.  The one thing that I work on is battling that worry in my gut, that I could lose one, and I want more than anything else to please, please, please, please, die before any of them do.

But I wanted that with Vince, too.  It was my one, biggest wish, like any parent.  And I survived, so I know I can survive such a loss.  But I still have to work at not letting myself get so overwhelmed by the worry that I don't get back on the horse.

It's hard.  It's so hard.  It's so very, very, moment by moment.  Be good to yourself, and know that this place, and all of us, are here.

« Last Edit: April 08, 2014, 07:49:38 PM by SarahW »
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: So I'm wondering
« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2014, 10:38:13 AM »

I mentioned that I'm likely to be adopting some girls (17, 14, 11) and I am really looking forward to doing it . . . mostly.  The one thing that I work on is battling that worry in my gut, that I could lose one, and I want more than anything else to please, please, please, please, die before any of them do.


I'm so happy for you, Sarah and the girls, too. I know they have to be just thrilled to have a permanent home with a permanent "Mom" and they are so lucky to have you.
The battle is always there to be fought and we just pray that if that time comes we have the strength to endure.
I remember not believing that my oldest son, Jeff died and neither could anyone else after losing two children. And, it's such a different life now with all of the "what if's" and "what could have been's" but I can't go there anymore. I just take one moment at a time. I live in this moment and then tackle the next. One day at a time is much too much for me.

I wish you and your girls a lifetime of adventure and happiness. New beginnings, Sarah. Remember that Vince is always with you no matter where you go or who you're with. I believe that.

Let us now when everything is finalized.

Sending Love & Hugs,
Terry



Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: So I'm wondering
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2014, 10:47:00 AM »
I too, don't want to care for myself. I am disappointed every morning that I woke up. I wouldn't hurt myself purposely, but the stress of my life and multiple griefs make me want to go to sleep and never wake up to the pain again. it seems that as soon as I am recovering somewhat from a loss, I get another one. I don't have many in my family left, I hope I go before them.

I've certainly been where you are, Sally. Losing one right after the other. Three children, lots of family and friends and just recently my Dad and husband. My third husband to die. I have one sister and I'm moving to be close to her. We haven't always had the best relationship but we're all we have and even she is feeling the sadness of having buried everyone. She never had children, just an Aunt to all of mine who are all dead.

It's a different life now and I grab any little piece of happiness and ways to bring peace to my inner battered self because this is all I have left. My will. My strength. My determination. My courage to embrace every moment of joy that enters my life. It's all there for the taking. Do I always want it? No. Sometimes I just get so tired. So very tired.

I do understand.

Love & Hugs,
Terry