I too lost my mother 11yrs ago this summer, unexpectidly. She too was a sociopath. The problem is, I am the only one who knows it. I was the oldest child and my mothers only target. I was abused in every way possible. No one ever talks about a mother sexually abusing a daughter. But it happens. I was pulled out of bed in the middle of the night and stripped down and beaten, when I was barely 5. My mother would lock the doors while little sister was out to play, while she beat me for no reason. Because no one witnessed these events, no one believes me, including my sister.
When I tried to tell my aunts and little sister, even before she died, they disowned me and called me a liar. Twenty two years later I am still disowned and not included in anyones life. I havent seen or heard from my little sister that I helped raise, since the settling of my mothers estate, 3 mos after she died. My heart still aches for that precious little sister who I now believe is living far away, according to the internet.
My mother did split the will equally between us. I cant imagine how hurtful that must have been for you. What a cruel mother!! My sister and aunt told the atty that my mother "hated" me, and demanded that I remove myself from the will. I did not, and still got my measely share, which was not much b/c my mother was very poor. They then proceeded to steal from the estate, and forge signatures to obtain a measely $100.00 check. Its not about the money. I dont need $100.00. It was the fact that they did it. I hear you on this one as well.
My father died, when I was 12. He was a violent alcoholic but was a wonderful father when sober. He promised my mother that if she got pregnant, he would stop drinking. I am that baby. He never stopped drinking.
She used to beat me in front of him when I was 4-8ish. When he would try to stop her, she would hit him too and keep hitting me. She punished me for the rest of her life.
After he died, she emotionally deteriorated, promising to kill me when I least expected it , on a regular basis, holding me down so her very young adolescent "boyfriend" could attempt to rape me. I never told anyone. She threated to kill me if I did, and threatened to beat my little sister and make me watch her. I knew she was capapble of this b/c I watched her do it to my own father.
I wouldve attacked her had she laid a hand on my precious little sister (who turned into someone just like her as she became an adult).
When I got the call that they had found my mother dead in her home, my immediate thought was "now she cant hurt me anymore". Boy was I wrong. At least for the first 2 yrs of my grief.
Loosing a monster mother was hard work! I cried out "I want my mommy" so many times in that first 2 yrs of grief (I was 35). Looking back I realized that for me, I grieved in ages, not stages. For two + years I cried like a child wanting mommy. As the years moved on, I 'grew up" in my grieving and cried for the mother that I never had as an adult, dreaming of a mother who would have shared recipes with me, cooking holiday meals together, sharing marriage stories etc. I never got that mother. At first I tried.
After I became a young bride at 21, I would go visit her, with dreams of her seeing me as an equal...a woman who had established my own career and household. Instead I was greeted with "oh the little bitch is back". With a little more money in my pocket, I would hunt for days for "the perfect gift" that would make my mother love me. Only to be greated with " the little bitch bought me anther gift that I can throw away" or "I dont want your gd gifts or money!".
Eventually I had to remove myself and stopped visiting. Every few yrs I would make another attempt, but it was not to be. Unfortunately my mother played on all of this with the family, (aunts uncle, and my little sister), gaining much attention from them b/c I "abanded her". Now they still see me as the one who abandoned her, and not the other way around. Even now, they cant stand to look at me and do not speak to me, on the rare occaison we run into each other somewhere.
I have never even attempted to tell them about the munchausen by proxy issue she had (giving me meds to make me ill in order to gain attention), or the sexual abuse. If they dont believe me about the beatings, they wont believe the other either.
On Mothers Day 2002, I made another attempt. I bought her a blouse I just knew she would love and one that had sentimental meaning to both of us. We made arrangements to drive 200miles to take her to lunch. All was ok. Until I arrived and found a note on the door. "I'm not home. Leave the gift on the porch". My husband and I left the gift, and drove the 200miles back home, me sobbing the entire way. She never called or contacted me again, and vice versa. Three months later she died alone in her home, suddenly of a heart attack and was found hrs later.
I was still so afraid of my mother after her death, that I never turned my back on her body in that casket, for fear this was all a bad joke that the family was playinga sick joke on me. I feared that she would rise up out of that casket and yell "surprise" as she would watch me standing there in tears, thinking she was dead, and would make fun of me, like she had done for so many yrs. But that never happened, of course. She is really gone.
I say all of this for one reason only. To hopefully help you see that you are not alone. I too thought that there was no one in my situation, after she died. My poor soul was so empty and hungry for anyone to understand me. That is what brought me here to webhealing, almost 11 yrs ago. It was my go to place at 2am when I couldnt sleep and needed to be with someone. I would click on here and see all the post, and not feel alone. and then I would write..and write and write. It was healing.
I do understand you and wrap my arms around you with encouragement and HOPE. Ican tell you honestly, that I have healed in a huge way. Therapy played a huge role for me (and yea, there are alot of idiot therapist out there. I've met them as well). My faith played a role as well. But it was all driven my my stubborness and determination to overcome it all.
I am 46, and have a wonderful happy marriage. I have a very good career that keeps me busy which keeps my mind occupied on other things, besides my past. I chose not to have children, and do not regret it. Therefore we have the freedom to travel and have fun and make new memories. I have a great big church that I can go to every Sunday and be fed by what the Bible teaches me about how to live, reminds me that God is in control even when we dont always see His hand, and most importably how this world is not the end. Heaven if for real, and so is God's justice in His time. I love my life!!
1.Write your heart out here as often as you need to.
2. Find books that will educate you on whatever issue you are having for that moment. We cant change what we dont understand about ourselves, our past, our situation, our mother, etc.
3. Ask local church or friend for a therapist referral. Therapy is like dating. You meet alot of quacks/jerks before you finally find the right one.
4. Make friend and go out..movies, lunch, picnics, even when you dont feel like it. It will help lift your mood, keep your mind occupied so that you are not sitting around thinking too much, and is a nice reminder that you really are not as alone as you feel. Thank goodness 'feelings' are not "facts", right?
5. If you are not working, find something, just to force yourself to get out of bed now and then. It doenst have to be a high impact career, but just something. That way you will have the opportunity to be with others, even if it is just talking shop, and not get in the habit of staying inside.
6. Never ever give up HOPE! Healing is possible.
Am I 100% healed. We are a work in progress until the day we die. Do I still cry? not for my mother anymore. I dont even miss her anymore. That stopped a long time ago. And I love that she cant hurt me anymore, emotionally, etc.
But I still do miss my little sister. Sometimes I think my brain has frozen her in time, to that little child, and that early teen. Once she hit 17 she had been brainwashed enough that she didnt want anything to do with me,(my mom was jealous of our relationship so she sure fixed that for me!). Except for the estate planning, I dont really know the adult sister. And I didnt exactly like her. She was mean just like my gma, aunt and my mom. But I sure miss that precious little girl.
Ahhh, one more thing I should probably start to work on...as I said,, always a work in progress
I will check in more often now and then. I used to come here daily in the early days, but havent been here in many months except for today. Glad I stopped in. Hope I was helpful.