Hi, I'm back.
So I have to meet with this group tonight - 'professionals' who have a drinking problem. I'll probably recognize some of them much to my horror and probably theirs too. I feel queezy about this. I've never been to any kind of group therapy session before and, being an introverted person (except in my writing and painting!!), I don't really like groups. At least it's not AA, which is not my cup of tea. I don't want to have to go up to some podium and say: "Hi! My name's Helene and I'm an alcoholic!" and then the group says, in automatic, quasi-cheerful syncronicity: "Hi Helene!" If that happened I think I'd throw up all over their podium and I'm not kidding! I mean: are we adults here or is this romper room? (Sorry to any who are AA people. Different strokes for different folks and all that. My opinion is worth little for any who feel insulted here.) So, I don't know what to say to this group. Maybe all I'll have to do is sit there and listen.
My second thing to write about today is my older half brother Daniel. He is Lesley's full blood brother and is 11 years older than I and was 2 1/2 years older than Lesley. I am royally pissed off with him. My anger goes back to a childhood I can't remember and he was THERE, if you get my drift. We've been writing to each other since Lesley died sharing what we remember and our observations about our 'family' or, our mother's two marriages and two sets of children: a) Daniel & Lesley and them b) myself and younger sister Julie. My brother and husband don't get along because basically Daniel insulted the hell out of my husband years ago and never apologized and once burned like that Barry doesn't come around too quickly anyway. Both men are potent personalities with sharp tempers.Oh yeah: Daniel accused me of not caring about him. Anyhow, Daniel has been giving me flack because I don't 'defend' him to Barry etc. So I wrote this to my brother today:
"I think we have shared a lot with each other. Certainly I put a hell of a lot of effort into all the letters I wrote to you and I am grateful for all that you shared with me. I DO care, but I see you will never believe that. All my letters to you don't count. My frantic phone calls to two different hospitals in your city that I made that morning after I received your suicide note in your e-mail to me a year ago don't count. Nothing I do counts. But, for the record, yes, I do care. There are other things I could say but I won't. I will NOT write about Barry, I have been caught in the middle of people too much in my life. I am sure I am guilty as charged as usual. I never discussed our corresponce with Barry. I felt it was private. I am obviously not enough of a sister for you and, considering both of our childhood experiences, perhaps it's just too much for both of us. Perhaps we trigger each other. I don't know. I know this: I won't be judged by you or stand trial for you. You are very good at making people feel guilty. Very good. And, frankly, I'm tired of it."
This is all very complex and I can only share so much at a time. I am sure I will never hear from my 1/2 brother again. And, frankly Daniel: I don't give a damn!! (And I have some very scathing reasons for my attitude towards D.)
Thank you for listening and your ongoing patience with me.
Love from Helene.