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Author Topic: Where it all Began  (Read 2052 times)
helene
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« on: February 13, 2012, 01:58:32 PM »

About my Life-long grief over the loss of my Dad - a grief that just won't stop.

Oh there's enough photos all right, of my Dad being there and then away once again, back then away, back, away, away. Forced away by desperation and want. I didn't understand for I was too young and who ever bothers to explain these things to children? So I see the photos but don't remember a thing. Dad: holding me in his arms as a baby. The old wooden house that burned down after we moved out. Dad sitting on our stone beside me. "Are you retarded or what?!, people have asked me. "You can't even remember your Dad when you were a kid?!" i] Other people remember their childhoods but I have forgotten most of mine. Mother was there, conveniently filling in the gaps of my pathetic memories with things like: 'Your Dad kept running away. Left me with two young children to raise on my own. In desperation I went to legal aid because I received no money from that man. I remember the first time he left me. I was rehearsing with a singer in my studio, smack in the middle of Schubert while I saw him, YOUR father, out of the corner of my eye, sneaking past me, carrying his suitcase, out the front door and gone. Later he had the audacity to come back, damanding a visit with you girls! Well! There was not way I was going to have him at our apartment! So I arranged to take you children to meet him in the lobby of a downtown hotel. There he was and when your younger sister Julie saw him she looked up at him and said: 'Mummy: who is that man?' But there never was any story told of me by my mother of how I reacted to seeing my Dad again and I don't remember. All blotted out like an ink blot sploshed over my brain, my emotional memory sunk down, mired in mud like quicksand, sinking down, down, down.


More later if anyone can stand it.
 Thank you for listening and reading.

Love,
Helene
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Helene & Lesley
Terry
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2012, 11:47:37 AM »


A lot of missing pieces, for sure. What years were blocked out? Have you ever seen anyone to help you remember?

I would think there are abandonment issues causing much confusion. Keep sharing about him. It's when we keep telling our story over and over that will bring other memories back.

I'm listening.

(((((((Helene)))))))
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"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
sevenofwands
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2012, 12:24:08 PM »

Dear Helene:

I am sure so many will sympathise with you and feel for you too.  Please do continue to write, and you know just letting out the pain can be healing even of itself.

Take care.
Seven
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helene
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« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2012, 12:39:21 PM »

Thank you Seven and Terry,

I have done a lot of soul searching into my childhood years and have found a kind of pattern in my terrible huge gaps in my memory. I discovered that, from around age three to around age 12, the ONLY memories I have are of me being outside. Either in our yard, the schoolyard, in the park, or up high in a tree because I was quite the climber. But I have NO memories of being inside any of the houses we lived in and we moved a LOT. My Dad was gone most of the time leaving me with my half older brother Daniel (11 years older than I), and Lesley (9 years older than I) and my baby sister Julie. I know there is a reason I have no memories of being inside any of the houses/apartments we lived in. More later. Thank you for listening.

Love,

Helene
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Helene & Lesley
helene
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« Reply #4 on: February 29, 2012, 11:39:04 AM »

UGLY BABY

There's no doubt I was an ugly baby, having taken after my Dad's side of the family. We were all ugy as infants, even Dad. It lasted up to a year or so then we started to look cute. But before that we were ugly: bald, double-chinned, pudgy-faced, pasty-skinned, with a humorless, middle-aged expression, dour drooping mouths, squinty eyes as if looking through a pair of spectacles, arms and legs looking money-like, too long, ungainly, not quite human really...ugly as sin, like my Dad and his mother before me looked in their baby pictures. Later we became blond, bright-eyed, curious, quixotic and hard to hold back but before that UGLY was the word.

My mother certainly thought so. Nicknamed me 'Randella' in mockery (after my Dad's first name: Randall) because I looked so much like my Dad. Where was the bright-eyed Richards look? (A-la my mother's side of the family.) Or that dark Richard's hair? (In fact where was the hair at all?) Or that cute  cupid smile with that sturdy, stocky, well proportioned baby-body like my younger sister Julie had - she who was/is the spitting image of our mother and the Royal-Richards' side.

As I look back on those dull black & white photos of my infant self, that baby who shouldn't have been there in the first place because I was a mistake, a waste-by-product-and-damn-irritation too of my mother's extra-maritalaffair with my Dad....my heart can't help going out to that kid, knowing now what was to come.


Helene.
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Helene & Lesley
sevenofwands
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« Reply #5 on: February 29, 2012, 01:43:32 PM »

Words fail me, Helene.  There is no such thing as an "ugly" baby.  Imagine being told you were a mistake or unwanted.  Babies need to be idealized when they are little, to see that gleam of pride in the mother's eye. 

I am so sorry.

Seven
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Doug1222
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« Reply #6 on: February 29, 2012, 02:14:59 PM »

Wow, Helene. I don't know what to say.

((((((((Helene)))))))))
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helene
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« Reply #7 on: February 29, 2012, 02:48:34 PM »

Sevenofwands - Doug -

My situation was 'paradise' compared to what Lesley went through before me. She went through HELL and I went through hell. She is dead. I - so often - wish I was dead and know that I'm quite capable of it.

Can't write any more. Have hogged this place too much - too much.

Much love,

Helene.
PS: You are all helping me SO MUCH but I feel EXTREMELY SELFISH!!!!!!
pps: i do not like to 'need' anyone because everyone needs. There's no time....so-to-speak.
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Helene & Lesley
Doug1222
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« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2012, 05:30:29 PM »

Much love

Same to you, Helene. Anytime you feel like sharing more, I'm happy to read it. That's what this place is for. We can all help each other.

Doug
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jasonkl
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« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2012, 02:11:58 PM »

Helene

PS: You are all helping me SO MUCH but I feel EXTREMELY SELFISH!!!!!!

Not selfish with every thing you share help your self and others. We may not share the same experiences but we do share the same feelings around our differences. Still here listening and reading.

Jason
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helene
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« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2012, 08:28:14 AM »

Thank you Sevenofwands, Doug and Jason and everyone for your support and understanding. You all encourage me to write more of what is a very complex story of my past, my family, and specifically about Lesley and my Dad, the only two people in my 'family' who ever showed me any real love. (Julie sort of did but it was always conditional and is that real love or something else? Doesn't feel like real love to me.)

I will write more about my memories of my Dad soon.

In the meantime, I am still here and reading too.

With love from Helene.
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Helene & Lesley
Doug1222
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« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2012, 10:49:48 AM »

We look forward to hearing more about both of them, Helene. I just noticed the picture you added of you and Leslie! It's nice to put faces to the names.
(((((((Helene)))))))

Doug
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