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Author Topic: Soul Trip  (Read 2391 times)
helene
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« on: February 03, 2012, 02:04:15 PM »

Husband said he'd had enough so I decided so had I.
Bought 3 bottles loaded to the hilt, 40-proof, downed it with a plethora of pills,
Lost an entire day while my husband phoned the crisis line.
Woke up in a narrow cot, couldn't tell if it were day or night, curtains surrounding my bed,
I heard the moanings of the others amongst those of my own, caught,
In some kind of hospital ward as a psychiatrist comes to see me to assess the 'risk' that is 'me'.
I tried to answer honestly but then, seeing his dark expression I said:
"You're going to put me on the lock-down ward like they did to Lesley."
"Only to protect you from yourself." You took a lot of pills."
, was the doctor's somber reply.
"Did I?", I echoed not wanting to talk with him any longer. I had to get out of there.
Waited until dawn when they brought me my breakfast. I ate like a fiend:
The hated stale blueberry muffin slathered with butter and peanut butter,
A large, plastic cup of coffee, and all the milk with the tiny box of Special K. I gobbled the lot in seconds,
While the bile rose in my throat but I knew they'd be impressed:
Someone who wants to eat obviously wants to live would be their conclusion.
Three more doctors came to see me. I told them I just made the mmistake of having too much to drink.
So they gave me phamplets, names to call, while  in the midst of being discharded wondered why the hell wa I still alive?! Go figure, eh? And I also thought about how much Lesley would have related to all of this:
The bleeding skull from the fall . The minor fractures. Body bruises. Disorientation and all the caculated Lies.
"Been there! Done that! Got the T-Shirt Helene! Welcome to the club and therein lies the rub!!

Love,

Helene

PS Going home to rest. Don't worry. No more 'shinaningans 'planned for this weekend anyway.
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Terry
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« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2012, 10:47:52 PM »


Hey you....how are you doing now? Are you going to follow-up by seeing someone who can maybe help? Did they offer you any resources before you were discharged? You mentioned 'pamphlets & names'....could you elaborate?

What are your plans?

Know I care.

((((((((Helene))))))))

You have my love,
Terry
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"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
helene
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« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 07:37:26 AM »

Sorry about that. Rather heavy stuff I know. Thank you for your caring Terry and everyone else. I have to go see a counsellor about alcohol so I will.  You are the only people I can share this stuff with but I know I post a lot and it seems me, me, me and it's so often so ugly. I miss Lesley so damn much and people just don't seem to 'get it'.

Love,

Helene.
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Terry
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« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2012, 01:47:08 PM »


Don't be sorry. I'm glad you felt comfortable, safe in sharing it on here. I know you miss Lesley. I'm glad you're going to follow up with counseling. Let us know how it goes. And, stay close...I want updates, gf!!

(((((((((Helene)))))))))
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"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
helene
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« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2012, 02:47:42 PM »

ok: updates. BUT: what about all these poems I keep writing and now I am suddenly remembering my dreams too!
I am a crazed writer who needs to keep writing and sharing but.....so selfish I continually  think....and know.
I am nuts.

Thank you for your love.

Helene
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mary strain
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« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2012, 02:54:51 PM »

Helene  No you are not nuts,  Let it come out and let it heal you.

Love Mary
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Doug1222
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« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2012, 03:20:53 PM »

No, you're not nuts, Helene. Thank you for being comfortable to share with us and keep doing it.
((((((Helene)))))))
Doug
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browneyedgirl
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« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2012, 03:52:29 PM »

((((((((((((((HELENE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven
helene
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2012, 01:55:52 PM »

Mary, Doug, Pam and everyone else....

The reason I am such a constant irriation here is because you are all my LIFE-LINE!  Being able to express my feelings in writing - even so horrible as it mostly is - and it is....this....YOU...are my life-line. I feel literaly like I'm cracking up these days. Perhaps I have what they call 'complicated grief'. Knowing me that's probably true. (Don't you just love all these medical 'labels' - ! But I guess we all have to work with 'something'.)

All I can say is.. thanks again. Thanks for putting up with mem

Love,

Helene
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Doug1222
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« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2012, 02:26:05 PM »

You're not an irritation, Helene. That why we're here.
((((((((helene))))))))
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browneyedgirl
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« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2012, 03:32:54 PM »

I echo what Doug has posted, and I am sure that everyone else will agree.  It makes me happy that you find comfort here, that's why we're here.... =)  love the writing.....and many other do as well.

lots of love, thank you for posting.
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Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
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Terry
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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2012, 07:49:08 PM »


The reason I am such a constant irriation here is because you are all my LIFE-LINE!  Being able to express my feelings in writing - even so horrible as it mostly is - and it is....this....YOU...are my life-line. I feel literaly like I'm cracking up these days. Perhaps I have what they call 'complicated grief'. Knowing me that's probably true. (Don't you just love all these medical 'labels' - ! But I guess we all have to work with 'something'.)



We're all here for the same reason, Helene. We lost someone and we're struggling. It helps to know that there are others that can relate and understand, and more than that, offer compassion, love.

I can remember earlier in my grief when someone came onto the board and was talking about complicated grief and though I said nothing, I was so irritated as I didn't understand what they were referring to. I felt that all grief was complicated. Saying the words without an explanation, helps no one. Well, it turned out that my grief WAS complicated. I was unable to grieve for my son as so soon after I had so many responsibilities and others who depended on me for their well being. I put my grief on hold and by the end of the second year...BAM, I came crashing down. Hard. It wasn't until the third year, that I was even able to think about my life again. Living it.

I've thought a lot about complicated grief and how I, too was 'stuck' in my grief. I couldn't move. There are so many factors that can cause PGD; the relationship we had or didn't have with the person who died; guilt; regrets; even childhood issues. Our emotional stability due to caring for them, work issues, family, etc., before that person died plays a huge factor and even how we handled the problems in our lives before their death. They all come to play when we're grieving.

I've thought a lot about it recently as so many of us had issues with the relationship at the time of their death (we're all human, right?) so I decided to start a thread on Complicated Grief and hopefully, those who may recognize the similarities will share of them and as this series progresses and we dig deeper into how delicately this needs to be treated, a light may shine for many. That is my hope. If I knew then, what I know now....I wouldn't have struggled as severely.

Complicated Grief Series: http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/topic,7568.msg53649/boardseen.html#new

When you're online, stop by and read the articles and view the videos and if you can relate, then that's great. That's a start. A huge first step.

I've shared many times, Helene and it's from my heart that the members here have been a Life-Line for me through these years. I need people. I always will. If we can't be open with our feelings on here, then where does that leave us?

You are NEVER an irritation. You're dealing with a lot right now and we're always here to help you.

Hold on, precious one.

(((((((Helene)))))))

You have my love,
Terry

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"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
helene
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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2012, 07:40:59 AM »

Oh God Terry - THANK YOU for this!!! Yes! I will participate on the Complicated Grief section too. It is not just the madness - insanity - that I have felt over losing Lesley over two years ago now, but also - can you believe this: over losing my Dad who died back in 1983. I have NEVER recovered from losing my Dad and am crying as I trype this. My hurt is as raw as it was nearly 30 years ago and I am very exhausted from this.

Thank you again Terry and everyone else. I listened to the You Tube talk by the woman who runs the griefgirlfriend site (I think that's what she called it) and found her talk very soothing and helpful. Plus all that you wrote in your most profoundly helpful post Terry. I feel some hope.  A tiny ray of hope. Perhaps one may not have to spend one's entire life suffering from accute grief.

I will post more about my own thoughts on my complicated grief over the loss of my Dad and Lesley on your new thread. Once again: thank you!!


With love from Helene
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Doug1222
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2012, 08:08:42 AM »

It is not just the madness - insanity - that I have felt over losing Lesley over two years ago now, but also - can you believe this: over losing my Dad who died back in 1983. I have NEVER recovered from losing my Dad and am crying as I trype this. My hurt is as raw as it was nearly 30 years ago and I am very exhausted from this.

I can relate to that very, very much. Thank you for sharing that. It's the mixture of my dad in 2000 on top of my brother in 1995 that caused problems for me just this last year. It's good know we're not all crazy. I'm also going to be participating the the complicated grief series.
(((((Helene))))))
Doug
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helene
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2012, 12:53:18 PM »

Hi Doug,

Somebody once wrote...because the bleeding won't stop doesn't mean we're crazy.

(((((((((((Doug))))))))))))

Helene.
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