Author Topic: Dream Ghost  (Read 4531 times)

helene

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2012, 02:28:14 PM »
((((Pam)))))   (((((Jason))))  (((((Doug))))) and ((((((Everyone!))))))

It's strange but sometimes I feel that Lesley has forgiven me, but perhaps that's wishful thinking and I don't always feel that way either. And, that doesn't take away my feelings of guilt either. I guess I have a hope that the afterlife - (just have an instinct that there is indeed - more - after we die) - I hope that the afterlife is more enlightened than what happens here in this mortal plane. Pam, you and I and so many others will always have to live with our guilt and regret. I don't think that ever really goes away. When I think of Lesley (and there's much more of my story about our relationship to tell if that's ok), I think of her saying to me: Helene - LEARN from all that happened between us! Learn and grow as a human being. Be more compassionate. More patient. More understanding. Don't try to be a saint though. Ha! Ha!" (That last bit would be typical Lesley-humor!)

Thank you again for continuing to let me tell my story, and, for sharing yours with me.

With love,

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

Doug1222

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2012, 02:30:02 PM »
Thank you for sharing, Helene. I agree. Hopefully the next life will have more answers than this one.
Doug

jasonkl

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2012, 09:04:18 PM »
My friends guilt is a very powerful thing. As I read all these posts I have found one comon thing we all feel guilty for things we should have done, things we should have/or not have said, and things we had no control over or no knowalge to do any different.

My guilt over my wife's passing contains all of these things. After reading what has happened with all of us I have started to question why to I feel this way. The fight I had with her before she passed was no different that most of the fights we have had through out our reationship. It was just the last one we will ever have. I was one who got her meds together for her, I was one who counted them out. I was also the one who did not call 911 right away because I did not notice she was struggleing to breathe. I could fill this screen with all the things I feel guilty about. but none of these things will change what has happened. Beating myself up over things I can not change will not help me feel better, it does not take away the pain.

(((((((((Helene)))))))) ((((((((((Pam))))))))  ((((((((((((((Doug))))))))))  (((((((((((everyone)))))))))))

Please keep sharing in your posts I see peices of myself, finding those peices helps me to know I am not alone. That I am not crazy, that together we can find away through this.

Thank you all for helping me find some peace tonight. For the first time in alot a month I am not afraid to go to sleep to night.

Jason

Ps: Helene the night I came home from work and found my wife on the floor, it was my fault. I told her to take her pain meds to close to her blood presure meds because it was easier for me to reminder to take her meds if she took them at three differnet times aday insteed of breaking them up more.

Pss: Pam
I wasn't the kindest person to him near the end.  And it makes me feel like a piece of s***.  He needed love, compassion and understanding, none of which I offered. None.
I think I wrote that same thing or very close to it.

helene

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2012, 08:14:22 AM »
Hi Jason,

I have never lost a spouse as my husband's still very much alive. But every time he goes away on a trip and leaves me behind (we can rarely travel together because we have tenants and someone's always got to 'be there'), I feel lost to the point of collapse. I cannot even fathom the pain you are going through at the loss of your dear wife. Having an arguement so close to the time of her death would seem to cancel out all the previous arguements you and your wife ever had just because that last one happened so close to her death. I too argued with Lesley not long before her death and there's part of my guilt. And then there were the meds. I can relate to that as well regarding Lesley. I will write more about what happened with Lesley very soon, and the unfortunate part I played in her final few years. How can we forgive ourselves is something I have no answer for. I know we need to, but I don't know how. I plan to visit the Spouse Loss Board and read more of your story Jason. I have not yet done enough visiting here. I realize that. Thank you again for sharing and your kind thoughts.

((((((Jason)))))))

Love from  Helene


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2012, 04:03:59 PM »
(((helene)))

(((doug)))

(((Jason)))

I do not know why - 3 years later, I am suddenly reliving all of this again.  It's strange and it starts in January - Tony died in March - but it's like reliving the last time I spoke to him - or saw him alive. And things that happened that lead to his death - looking back, agh.....

He stayed with my father there toward the end, and he hated it there.  I picked him up and we had lunch and went to see "Grand Trino" - I paid for both lunch and movies, and I remember feeling annoyed.  What a jerk I was.   Later that week I was supposed to go get him again and spend some time with him and I blew it off....what I wouldn't give for that time back. 

Jason - I am sorry that you could relate to what I wrote.  It's not a good feeling.  I have given my all - to a lot of people - most of whom did not even deserve it...and I couldn't do the same with Tony.  Why?  Why? Retorcial question of course....

love to all.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jasonkl

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2012, 09:52:15 PM »
How I wish none of you could relate to any of guilt or pain I write about. These are not good feelings that any one should ever have to feel. I am hoping that by us telling our stories we will be able to move past these feeling and learn how to live again. Not like we did before but better.

with love
Jason

Ps: Helene you do not have to lose your spouce to understand my pain. Any loss that tears your heart and rips though your is the same.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2012, 09:10:33 AM by jasonkl »

helene

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2012, 12:50:37 PM »
Hi Pam and Jason and Everyone,

Pam, I'm thinking of you as your dear brother Tony's Angel Date is nearly upon you as we move closer to the month of March. You wrote of how you are reliving your experience of when you lost him all over again now - nearly three years after he died. Time makes no sense in grief. At least that's what I've found. I still relive my Dad's death - the last time I saw him - time and time again over the last 30 years. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy. Often. My heart goes out to you as the month of March approaches.

Jason, thank you for sharing those excrutiating details about your wife's last days. I agree with Pam: that must have been very difficult to write all that down - thus reliving it all over again. You help give me the courage to share what happened at the end of Lesley's life and my involvment with all that. Thank you also for understanding about how grief happens even when the other person is still alive. Any kind of separation can potentially cause grief, extreme loneliness and heartache.

Love to you both,

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2012, 01:26:31 PM »
((((helene)))

Thank you....I hate the month of March...I used to love the smell of the orange trees blooming, now all it does is remind me that my brother is dead.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

helene

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2012, 02:13:05 PM »
Hi Pam,

Did Tony love the orange blossoms too? I am sorry but I cannot remember if he was younger or older than you? Did you have orange trees on your property? Or near where you lived?

How bittersweet our memories are,
Taking us to magical places rarely seen,
Yet now so lost our thoughts do mar,
Memory shadows wherever we've been.

(Written on the Spot for Pam by Helene


With love to you Pam,

(((((((Pam)))))))))))))

Helene.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Dream Ghost
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2012, 04:40:36 PM »
Thank you for those beautiful lines, helene, you have such a way with words.

Tony was 11 years older than me.  No, we didn't have orange trees, but the end of March is when they start blooming, here in Arizona.  The smell always takes me back....sort of weird.  There is one right outside my office - I walk by it maybe 6-8 times a day...and I can tell it's "getting ready"......so I guess I should "get ready"...whatever that means. 

lots of love.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven