Author Topic: That dark place  (Read 1377 times)

AC Mom

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That dark place
« on: October 23, 2011, 10:06:12 PM »
That dark place is calling me again.  How I hate it when it wins, and I cross over.  I can't blame the upcoming holidays or anything else, its just there.

Its been almost 10 years sinse AC died, and I still want the phone to ring in the middle of the night and it be him, calling from the road and he is bored and Mom is the only one that won't get mad at a middle of the night phone call.  I want to pick up the phone and call him.  I want to hear a motorcycle or big truck coming down the road and know its him coming to visit.  But, then I realize those things will never happen again.

I still miss him so damn much, and when I go to my dark place, it only gets worse.  People around me suffer when I am in that dark place, I get mean and ornery as my dad would have said.  I cry at stupid shit. I get mad at stupid shit. 

I am questioning again that loving God my dad taught me about.  Why would a loving God take my only child from me.  Take my reason for life and living.  I remember a friend telling me that God doesnt get us more than we can handle..to which I replyed, he shouldnt have so much faith in me.  None of us handle the loss of a child, we just learn to deal with it.

Maybe I will get thru this one just by skirting the edges of the dark place.  I hate the dark place, but have learned, sometimes I have to go there, just to face total reality and I usually come out the other side somewhat better, till it happens again.

Love and Hugs
Peggy


Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: That dark place
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2011, 11:27:06 PM »

((((Peggy))))

I understand. It doesn't matter how much time has gone by, we miss our babies and it hurts, a lot and it always will. I wish you could get that call from AC. I think that's all we really want, is to hear their voice, touch them, hug them and tell them how much we love them and how it is to live in this world, to finish out our lives, without them in it. But, I have a feeling that they already know.

You 'will' get through this. We can feel so empty sometimes that it's frightening but we have this place to come to, a place where we can share any feeling we're having and it's never questioned, no one is ever shocked and we leave feeling just a little less lonely. And, at out worst down times, that could be the most we could ask for.

I'm in that dark place with you and I'm holding your hand because we're going to walk toward the light, together. And, we do that for each other every time we listen and really hear what the other is saying and feeling. And, I hear you, Peggy. And, I agree that we learn how to live in this world without our children and that's very hard work and it's never-ending work.

I've been walking my drive to the main gate every night for the last four nights. It get's lonely in the house and I need to get out, walk and breathe the fresh air. It seems to help. This is not my favorite season.

You're loved, you know? Very much. Sending that love through cyberspace and sure hope you can feel it.

Love,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: That dark place
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2011, 06:01:14 AM »
OMG Peggy how much I hate the datk place …. for me it is such a difficult place to stuck in and I wonder each time if I am going to be able to claw my way out of it. In the beginning I didn't want to because it was a testament to me how much I loved my Adam and how much I missed him. Now I know that he doesn't want me there - his signs are full of light and love not darkness.
My heart goes out to you as you miss your son so much as only a Mother truly can.
Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

AC Mom

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Re: That dark place
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2011, 08:00:36 PM »
Terry, thank you so much.  I had forgotten, I can hear AC's voice anytime I want. He had a habit of taping what he considered important phone calls.  I have his voice on tape, I also have a video of the final trip he made, and his voice is on it.  Maybe I will get them out and listen to him once again.  This life we all are trying to live just plainly sucks.

Paula, thank you.  Me and AC had discussed his maybe being in a accident and not surviving it.  He drove a semi truck for a living, and when he parked it, he hit the road on his motorcycle.  I had a step nephew complete suicide in 1997 and his Mom retreated into herself.  AC told me if anything ever happened to him, not to be like her.  That life goes on and he didn't want me sitting around crying all the time.  I don't think he knew how hard it would be.

Today was a little better.  I made it thru work without getting all teary eyed or jumping down some jerks throat. lol   I am using the theory, that this dark space has a bit of light in it and maybe its enough to keep me going.

Love and Hugs
Peggy