Author Topic: Lost my fiance  (Read 4721 times)

samsgirl

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Lost my fiance
« on: September 19, 2011, 06:54:31 PM »
My fiance took his own life 2 1/2 weeks ago.  He had gotten "black out" drunk and started a ugly fight with me. He said a lot of hurtful things to me, and I didn't accept his "sorry" when he said it (even when I felt I wanted to)...  I didnt believe him when he said he was going to, as he had attempted before, but said he would live for his son (as it should be).  So, when he said he was going to, I didnt even argue with him....it didn't cross my mind that he actually would, (i had been drinking some too, but not nearly as much as he).  He had told me to leave our house, that we were over... so I started to. I knew in my heart, that we weren't over, that he didn't mean it, that the next day we would make-up and he/we would regret what he/we had said and done, but I started packing anyways.  I was taking my bag out to my car- realizing when I was out there, that the whole thing was absurd, but when I went back to talk/argue with him, he had shot himself.   

We had known each other since jr. high, but just reconnected in Jan.  We immediately hit it off again, after 15 years of not seeing each other.  We got engaged for my birthday in May, and everyone that knew us or saw us just knew we were the only one in each others eyes.  He was amazing as a man, concerned, romantic, protective, supportive, fun, interested, amusing....  just amazing.

He often would talk about how he felt "not worthy" and like a "black sheep" that his family (parents) was always trying to ship him off (summer camps, boarding school, living with others), how they weren't around (business owners) and how nothing he did was "good enough" for them, that they treated him second rate (hard on him, spoiling his sisters), to control him.  I wanted to believe that it wasn't completely true, that he was just jaded, but he felt it/ lived everyday in his mind.  He had so many talents that I can't list them all, but, being a country boy, it was something he tried to pride himself on- but nothing was ever enough.

I always noticed how he had to have "control", not that he wanted to control me, but just to be able to know what was happening, or could happen. I talked to one of his favorite ex-girlfriends shortly after, and she let me know that he had let her know that the people that his parents had shipped him off to live with as a young teenager, had sexually abused him. He didn't say those words, but that the couple involved him with themselves. He viewed these people as "surrogate parents" and had told me numerous times that he considered her "his mom- she did more for me than mine ever did".   I was dumbfounded.  It made so much more sense, his attitude, beliefs, actions...  when I got home, I googled "male teen sexual abuse" and found one article (that of course I can't find again....) that in two sentences described my fiance without confusion.  I can't even fathom, how even with what I know, or how I wouldn't have judged him, how crippling this was to him, how "dirty" he felt....   I wish he had told me, that he could have understood how deep I love him, that I could have helped him understand how it wasn't him, to have gotten him help, to help him move past these people that he still held within his life. But, he didn't want to be seen as weak, he didn't want to "fail" at anything (again...) .  He wasn't an easy person to get close to, he didn't believe that he had friends, and he always believed that he was "alone", he loved me, he knew I was there, but I know he was scared to tell me the "demons" that haunted him, although he had started to. 

I miss him so much, and it hasn't really sunk in, except that I'm alone everyday now...  I have my son, (who called him dad) and am trying to be able to be a part of his son's life (it will be up to the ex-wife)- but I am lost. I like being social, but am not a social person.  A scar from HS social trauma.  He had started changing that for me, I always felt safe- even in the most uncomfortable places.  He is the only man that ever was convincing me that I was beautiful for me...  His family has decided to blame me, decided that they are going to decide that it was "over" for us, refuses to give me back my engagement ring (we had to send it off for fixing) and didn't invite me to the service (cremated). 

All of our plans, and hopes for the future, just gone... while I understand the emptiness he felt, I understand him, I know that if he hadn't been drinking, that it wouldn't have happened, I have guilt that I didn't follow my gut feeling, that I could have stopped him...  I understand and forgive him for what he had mentally, I just am alone, lonely,  crushed...    abandoned.   

 

Terry

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2011, 09:26:11 PM »

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. Your story is heartbreaking and I'm glad you were able to share it with us.

It sounds as if Sam had so much going on and for so long, with what you had suspected. A lot of unresolved issues. So very sad. Though it sounds like he made a difference in your life and that, no one can ever take away from you.

In regards to family and your being pushed away at such a fragile time for you....when somebody dies, someone has to be blamed. Unfortunately, it will be that way until the end of time. Try to remember, too that his parents lost their child and they are angry and hurt and will never be the same, and the first person we, as human beings attack, is the one closest to them at the time of their death.

Welcome to Webhealing where I know you'll find support and understanding. There are others here who have lost their loved ones through taking their life and maybe they will share with you. Even those of us who have lost a loved one totally unrelated to how your Sam died, we still feel a degree of guilt. We believe we could have prevented their death by mere words, actions, etc.., so a certain amount of guilt is normal to feel. Try to be good to yourself, remembering how much you loved him. Love does not injure or cause death. Please believe that.

Try to get rest and snack on small meals and most importantly, drink plenty of fluids/water. Your body is going through unimaginable changes right now and it's very easy to fall ill.

Know we care here and post whenever you feel up to it.

Send hugs & understanding,

(((((((((Samsgirl))))))))))

Love,
Terry

"I'm thankful I have my writing to turn to.  And reading and my pets.  It is at times like these, I remind myself to think of gratitude and things I am thankful for." -Wally (Wally49er/Spouse Loss)

browneyedgirl

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2011, 09:23:41 AM »
Dear samsgirl ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your fiance.  Your story is heartbreaking, I am so sorry.

Welcome to Webhealing.  I am sorry that you have to be here with us.  You will find a loving comforting word here when you need it, there is always someone to listen.

Lots of love and hugs coming your way.

Also, I am not sure if you found the Spouse/Partner Loss Board, but here is the link. 

http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php/board,10.0.html

Feel free to come back and let us know how you're doing very soon.

Love,
Pam
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

paperweight

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2012, 08:08:25 PM »
Dear samsgirl - It has been several months since you wrote, but maybe you still check this page -
(I know for a fact that six months can seem like days)
 
I had a similar tragedy when I was 24, and it has been many many years now.  I wished so much to have someone to talk to who could tell me something to help me understand and someone not already close to the situation (although they were not bad).  I have never been content about it - obviously - since I get the mood to google the topic from time to time and here I am doing it now.  I even think that if I put too much information online that someone who knew us might find it, so I feel uncomfortable still.

I think you were so lucky to have that ex-girlfriend of his who could tell you something important.  I had some of the same kind of suspicions in my situation, but no one to ask and it is just a sense of something missing and covered up maybe.  I think I’ll google the "male teen sexual abuse" for awhile and see what I find.  It might make some kind of sense, but then you don’t KNOW.  He had weird boundary issues and could never say “no” to people and then get so angry about it.  My boyfriend’s problem wasn’t booze but he smoked way too much pot (but how does that make you so violent anyway?  It’s not my thing but I was shocked.)

It used to be that when I would tell people about his suicide, many times other women would immediately say that they always feared the same thing would happen to them (break up with a boyfriend and he would kill himself - or both of them).  Is it that men react that way more than women do, or just seems like it? 

I also felt, as you said: “I knew in my heart, that we weren't over”.  We had gone back and forth so many times over the years, and we both knew that we loved each other even though we were off and on.  But that just makes it more confusing. It seems so crazy not to be able to understand something so close and so important.  It just makes me nuts.  I can read his letters and it’s like I’m right back there and I’ve learned nothing since then.

The only good thing that has come of it that I see, is that afterwards I had another boyfriend who got suicidal - so he said - and I said he should get a therapist because it seemed to me he was having a nervous breakdown.  He did!  I was SO surprised.  He’s married to someone else and has a kid and is just as hard to get along with, but we are still friends - so I feel I paid the universe back in some way and that’s probably how the other relationship should have played out, if it could have.

It was a very very lonely period and shocked feelings for a year or so, but it wasn’t hard to be with someone else after that and can even say that it didn’t stand in the way of my feelings for them.  What I don’t like is that I can’t talk about that time without avoiding that topic or getting very upset and confused, even sick.  It’s still a big hole in my life.

Wishing you the best - If I can't understand what went on in his head, at least I feel I can understand the other side of the situation, and in that way I was "glad" to read what you wrote - hope you know what I mean!

Terry

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Welcome, paperweight!
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 08:38:25 PM »

Hi and Welcome to Webhealing! Nice response to samsgirl. I'm sorry to hear of the death of your boyfriend and all that surrounded it.

I am twice a survivor of suicide and there just are so many unanswered questions. Especially with my Uncle, there were no signs. He was never depressed. Always happy, upbeat and joking around. It is still, very much today a shock to our entire family. We'll just never know why.

Look forward to hearing more from you! I'm not aware of the loss that brought you to us and if it is your boyfriend, you can post on the Spouse Loss Board/Significant Other, as this board has little activity. You can also register for chat and I'll message you with times!

(((((((((paperweight)))))))

Love,
Terry
"I'm thankful I have my writing to turn to.  And reading and my pets.  It is at times like these, I remind myself to think of gratitude and things I am thankful for." -Wally (Wally49er/Spouse Loss)

paperweight

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2012, 09:34:01 AM »
Thank you.  It really meant a lot to me to sit and think and write to someone who was trying to deal with the same thing.  I will go check out the other spots you suggest, and also look into the other stuff.  I'm onto it now I guess because I have the time and quiet and hoped to understand something more - or differently - than before.  At least in this lifetime!  To soon to tell if that is going to work out that way - maybe...

You mention an uncle who was always joking and cheerful.  My ex was that way with most people, especially with family.  I'd forgotten about that.  I saw the "dark cloud" periods, and what I took from it was "stay away from guys like that from now on".  Sheesh!  Maybe the over-cheerful ones too?  Or is trying to avoid pain in life somehow cheating?

Best wishes everyone!

Terry

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2012, 12:24:27 PM »

Hi!

Regarding my Uncle, he was really no different than anyone else in the family. The reason for the shock. He was always making plans. Saw them through. Good husband and Father. Everyone respected him. The reason it remains such a mystery.

I believe that something goes array in our brains. Now, some do suffer with depression and we can actually see the changes they are going through and sometimes, even help. It's common when losing someone we love as when becoming severely depressed, we can lose the will to live. I believe there is a lot regarding the workings of the human mind that we haven't even come close to scratching. Maybe some day.

Keep posting! It helps!

Love,
Terry
"I'm thankful I have my writing to turn to.  And reading and my pets.  It is at times like these, I remind myself to think of gratitude and things I am thankful for." -Wally (Wally49er/Spouse Loss)

sonya

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2012, 12:50:25 PM »
(((((((((Samsgirl))))))))))
((((((((Paperweight))))))))))

Hi Ladies.

I am so very sorry that you have had both experienced the loss of your partners to suicide. I am so sorry that you have to be here but welcome you wholeheartedly.
This board has helped me so very much.
I lost the love of my life to suicide in August.
I understand the guilt as I am still battling with it.
I understand the blame and exclusion from the family, as I am still experiencing it.
I understand losing him after a fight, mine was separated by a few days.
I am so sad that you are feeling this pain too.

I will try to make sure that I check in on here more often. You can find me on the spouse board.

Take good care girls

Son x
Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

vencelylalas

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Re: Lost my fiance
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2015, 06:21:32 PM »
try to love again.