My fiance took his own life 2 1/2 weeks ago. He had gotten "black out" drunk and started a ugly fight with me. He said a lot of hurtful things to me, and I didn't accept his "sorry" when he said it (even when I felt I wanted to)... I didnt believe him when he said he was going to, as he had attempted before, but said he would live for his son (as it should be). So, when he said he was going to, I didnt even argue with him....it didn't cross my mind that he actually would, (i had been drinking some too, but not nearly as much as he). He had told me to leave our house, that we were over... so I started to. I knew in my heart, that we weren't over, that he didn't mean it, that the next day we would make-up and he/we would regret what he/we had said and done, but I started packing anyways. I was taking my bag out to my car- realizing when I was out there, that the whole thing was absurd, but when I went back to talk/argue with him, he had shot himself.
We had known each other since jr. high, but just reconnected in Jan. We immediately hit it off again, after 15 years of not seeing each other. We got engaged for my birthday in May, and everyone that knew us or saw us just knew we were the only one in each others eyes. He was amazing as a man, concerned, romantic, protective, supportive, fun, interested, amusing.... just amazing.
He often would talk about how he felt "not worthy" and like a "black sheep" that his family (parents) was always trying to ship him off (summer camps, boarding school, living with others), how they weren't around (business owners) and how nothing he did was "good enough" for them, that they treated him second rate (hard on him, spoiling his sisters), to control him. I wanted to believe that it wasn't completely true, that he was just jaded, but he felt it/ lived everyday in his mind. He had so many talents that I can't list them all, but, being a country boy, it was something he tried to pride himself on- but nothing was ever enough.
I always noticed how he had to have "control", not that he wanted to control me, but just to be able to know what was happening, or could happen. I talked to one of his favorite ex-girlfriends shortly after, and she let me know that he had let her know that the people that his parents had shipped him off to live with as a young teenager, had sexually abused him. He didn't say those words, but that the couple involved him with themselves. He viewed these people as "surrogate parents" and had told me numerous times that he considered her "his mom- she did more for me than mine ever did". I was dumbfounded. It made so much more sense, his attitude, beliefs, actions... when I got home, I googled "male teen sexual abuse" and found one article (that of course I can't find again....) that in two sentences described my fiance without confusion. I can't even fathom, how even with what I know, or how I wouldn't have judged him, how crippling this was to him, how "dirty" he felt.... I wish he had told me, that he could have understood how deep I love him, that I could have helped him understand how it wasn't him, to have gotten him help, to help him move past these people that he still held within his life. But, he didn't want to be seen as weak, he didn't want to "fail" at anything (again...) . He wasn't an easy person to get close to, he didn't believe that he had friends, and he always believed that he was "alone", he loved me, he knew I was there, but I know he was scared to tell me the "demons" that haunted him, although he had started to.
I miss him so much, and it hasn't really sunk in, except that I'm alone everyday now... I have my son, (who called him dad) and am trying to be able to be a part of his son's life (it will be up to the ex-wife)- but I am lost. I like being social, but am not a social person. A scar from HS social trauma. He had started changing that for me, I always felt safe- even in the most uncomfortable places. He is the only man that ever was convincing me that I was beautiful for me... His family has decided to blame me, decided that they are going to decide that it was "over" for us, refuses to give me back my engagement ring (we had to send it off for fixing) and didn't invite me to the service (cremated).
All of our plans, and hopes for the future, just gone... while I understand the emptiness he felt, I understand him, I know that if he hadn't been drinking, that it wouldn't have happened, I have guilt that I didn't follow my gut feeling, that I could have stopped him... I understand and forgive him for what he had mentally, I just am alone, lonely, crushed... abandoned.