Widow and mother of 3 young kids who have lost their father.

[oneangel]

I lost my husband in November 2009. He was diagnosed with Cancer in March of that year as well. I was 3 months pregnant with our third child. We went through Chemo throughout the year but he stopped to regain some strength before our baby was born. After he was born, he decided not to go back on because he didn't want to feel sick anymore. We knew the Chemo was just prolonging his life a little but the end was inevitable. He was happy he got to see his last child born. He had hoped he would make it through the holidays and our oldest child's birthday on New Year's Eve, but it was not to be. My kids go through waves with their grief. The most difficult times for them is when we approach holidays, their birthdays, or even when we are about to do something together, like a vacation. I go through my days doing what I am supposed to do and then, at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed, I give myself the time to grieve. I don't sleep anymore. I can't find pleasure in anything which makes me feel guilty of not experiencing joy with my kids. My kids deserve better than this. They are such good kids too. I miss him so much. He is on my mind constantly. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, he is there. Any conversation I have with people, I always end up bringing up his name, a memory. The best part of my life, and I am only 33 years old, was when I was with him. I can't understand how this could be. He was truly the LOVE of my life. And now I am left raising 3 kids on my own. After that, I am on my own, what then?
Looking to talk to people in a similar situation as I am.
Are you out there?

Angela

[Tom]

Angela -  So sorry to hear your story of loss and the impact on your family.  I hope you will get some responses from others who have had similar experiences.    The grief from a death of a spouse when we are younger is a very different experience and is helped greatly by contact with other young widowed folks.

When we love greatly our grief responds similarly.  It is so difficult but worthwhile to keep in mind that our grief is connected to our love.   Welcome to webhealing.

Tom

[oneangel]

Thank you Tom.
It is so difficult to imagine the rest of my life without him. Everytime I see an elderly couple together, it breaks my heart. It used to fill me up with joy seeing a couple like that still in love. Now I can't bear to think what my life will be like when my kids are all grown up and gone away.
I've met a couple of other women who have recently lost their husbands. They too are young. Although their grief is intense as well, they believe that they will meet someone new and possibly remarry. As for myself, I am choosing not to be with anyone anymore. My husband was my one true love. I had the best, anything else would be less than what I already had.

Thanks again for replying.

Angela

[arthur]

Hi Angela..I lost my spouse at the age of 48 so I guess I'm not exactly your age, also I don't have kids, so I don't know exactly what your experience is like.  I do have good friend who lost her husband  in her early 40's with 3 young children and I know what she goes through having to raise 3 kids while suffering grief/depression/lonliness. It is hell for her and in my own opinion its worse than being single in the same situation.  She lost her husband suddenly and, like me, she never got to say goodbye to her spouse. I  know too well what your kids are going through growing up without a father as I lost my own dad at the age of 13.  Needless to say this loss will shape their lives..one observation I'd like to make though regarding your kids is this-please don't ignore and dont avoid the loss of your husband when talking with your kids. This is what my family did when I was growing up and that undealt with grief that my sister and I had had negative effects on us when we were in our teenhood and college. I had to drop out of college because of depression caused by grief that was undealt with, and my sister developed destructive behavior in her teenhood.  I am not sure how you would exactly go about dealing with grief in your kids, but just pretending like it doesn't exist is the worst thing you could do.  I know it is difficult to stop yourself from thinking about what will happen to you now that you've lost your spouse, and I wonder about it myself all the time, but plese try not to think about it, and just focus on the day at hand or the next day at most. Like you I too have trouble sleeping and I take sleeping meds which do help some, but I had to go to a doctor to get the prescription. I still have trouble sleeping and I can only hope that will get better.   I know it is hell for you Angela, and like my friend  you have to put your kids ahead of your own grief, but I am glad that you are taking the time to deal with your own grief. I will pray for you and I ask that you pray for me as well. My wife was disabled and I am finding that very few people can understand what it is like for a husband/long-term caregiver to lose their spouse/care recipient. Indeed it seems to me as if some people view my marriage to my dear wife Maureen as a "nonstandard" one because we couldn't have kids. To make things worse I saw little child in a power wheelchair today and that just tore me up, as my wife used a power wheelchair extensively. Any how your prayers would be appreciated and I will pray for you and your kids.   
I hope some of this helps Angela it sure hurt to read of you and your family's loss. Take care Angela  , arthur
   

[browneyedgirl]

Hi Angela ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband, how heartbreaking for you and your family.

Welcome to Webhealing.  You will find a comforting word here when you need it, and there is always someone to listen.  We understand here. 

Sending lots of love and light.

[oneangel]

browneyed girl: Thank you so much. This is exactly what I am looking for, somehwere to chat about my experiences and finding others who have or are going through similar situations as I am.
Thanks!


Arthur: I completely agree with not ignoring their grief. My kids are allowed to talk about their father whenever they want. Their teachers at school are made aware that they will include him in any family picture they draw, discussions that they may have, even allowed to make him a card/gift at Father's day. We go to the cemetery on an ongoing basis and more often if they ask to. I firmly believe in letting them express themselves as much as they can, whether it be with talking about our favourite memories, or just crying because we need to. I will also let them see me cry from time to time because I think it is healthy for them to see me grieve too. I remember when it came time for the visitation at the funeral home and the funeral itself, I had family members ask if I was going to bring them along or leave them home. There was no question in my mind that they had to be a part of every step so that hopefully they could have some kind of closure to everything we had gone through. Life is very difficult, I will not lie, but we do go through it one day at a time.
I will keep you in my prayers and Thank you for sharing your experiences even as a child.
Thanks!
Angela

[Terry]

Hi Angela,

We had a group that met here in my town, of bereaved parents and we had a separate hall for the kids and they really benefited from meeting with other kids. It was basically, kids helping kids as they can relate to one another much easier. They expressed their pain, their confusion in their drawings. The parents would save the drawings, for some became involved in therapy as the meetings were just not enough and the drawings became very helpful to the therapist. More than anything else, the kids were frightened. Frightened of losing the other parent, but never expressed this verbally, but did in their drawings.

The little ones are silent sufferers. Bless their hearts.

These holidays are tough and this is the third? without your husband? I'm sure the first one was like a blur, as it was in November.

One day at a time and keep sharing whatever you're feeling. That's why we're here, to support one another. This is a long journey but the burden is lifted, just a little more every time we share our story.

Sending hugs and lots of love and hugs for your precious children, too!

(((((((((((((Angela & Children)))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[oneangel]

Terry: Thank you very much for your kind words. My kids did attend a children's grief program through Hospice soon after the first holidays. I also talked with someone from Hospice. The kids had a good time, they enjoyed the activities they had and also being able to bring things and pictures that brought good memories of their time together. As for myself, they set me up with someone who, although she was very nice and I did get some relief from, she a much older woman who I felt really didn't understand what I was going through.
But nonetheless, I am now talking with a couple of women,  who have lost their husbands recently, occasionally that I have met through friends and that seems to help. Between us, I lost my husband first, so I am sort of walking them through it which in turn is helping me deal with my emotions.
It's my youngest son's 2nd birthday today, so I am having a bit of a hard time today, but onwards we go I guess.

Angela

[browneyedgirl]

Angela ~

Happy birthday to your little one! 

Lots of love and hugs sent your way. 

[Terry]

Happy, Happy Birthday, precious one!

Angela, please give your son a big hug from me! I hope you all enjoyed your day!

Love,
Terry

[oneangel]

Thank You for the birthday wishes everyone! I saved us some birthday cake from his birthday party on Sunday and after dinner, we went to the mausoleum and ate our cake there. Every holiday, the kids have decided that we should eat a treat together with their father so we are still celebrating with him. It's great to see them feeling happy that they are including him even though he is not here. What I hate about all this is that I have three small children growing up at a cemetery. How sick is that?

Thanks again

Angela

[arthur]

Wow..all I can say is wow Angela. You really are a strong woman and mother. I wouldn't have the 1st idea on how to deal with children's grief but you are way ahead of where my family was when I was a kid. Sorry I offered unlooked for advice but my widow friend valued my advice when I told her of my experience.
I hope your sleep improves. Be gentle with yourself especially with your grief. Take care and God Bless-arthur

[Terry]

What I hate about all this is that I have three small children growing up at a cemetery. How sick is that?

Angela, if you're not feeling comfortable taking the kids to the cemetery, may I suggest other alternatives for finding a place to honor him? I'm not aware of your living situation and if you even have a yard but an idea would be maybe to plant a tree or something your husband enjoyed in the way of being outdoors.
Whatever that may have been. And that space could be a place where you all could go, sort of like a "thinking spot" and spend time with your husband and your kids, with their Daddy.
A bench would be nice or even a couple of beach chairs. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive and I would even include the kids in the planning of Daddy's "thinking spot." Asking them what they would like to 'name' Daddy's special place.
And, it would be close. Right outside your door, if you choose.

I have such a place, a memorial garden for each of my children and gardens for other family members. I feel a peace when I am there, although I talk to them all of the time. They are always with me.

Just a thought as you sounded a bit uncomfortable with bringing the kids to the cemetery.

Thanks for sharing your little guy's day with us!

Hugs!!

[oneangel]

Arthur: Please don't be sorry. I always accept hearing advice from others, especially from those who have experience with whatever the subject may be. I know of people who do not talk about the grief they are experiencing. Thank You for sharing! and thank you for your kind words, especially since I don't feel like I am strong, even though people tell me that all of the time.

Terry: The kids seem to feel comforted when we go to the cemetery. I have talked to them saying that their father is not really there even though his body is, but I think it's a little overwhelming for them to think that way, seeing as they are still young. we do pray and talk about him often, wherever we are. It's not that I mind going to the cemetery, I just am annoyed with the fact that my children even have to be in a position of having to celebrate special occasions this way. I wish they could have him here with them, celebrating together. I guess I am just bitter about it all.
Thank You!

Angela

[Terry]

Terry: The kids seem to feel comforted when we go to the cemetery. I have talked to them saying that their father is not really there even though his body is, but I think it's a little overwhelming for them to think that way, seeing as they are still young. we do pray and talk about him often, wherever we are. It's not that I mind going to the cemetery, I just am annoyed with the fact that my children even have to be in a position of having to celebrate special occasions this way. I wish they could have him here with them, celebrating together. I guess I am just bitter about it all.
Thank You!

I'm so sorry, Angela you're having to live without your husband, and your little ones, their Father. You truly have my heart. Coping with a great loss, in itself can be exhausting and atop it all, you're doing your best to raise 3 children and hopefully, taking care of 'you,' too.

As a full time caregiver to my Dad who has AD I can share with you that taking time for 'you' is so very important, even when we feel there just 'is' no time available. I've always had to put my grief on hold, as my Dad's needs, I felt were much greater. It's taken a toll on my health, though because alone time is so very important.

I hear this all of the time, so I'm going to pass it along to you: if we don't take good care of ourselves then the ones we love will have no one to care for 'them.'

Take care of you! And, keep sharing. It helps. Know you are loved and cared for.

((((((((((((Angela & Little Ones)))))))))))

Love,
Terry