Time does go on, with or without us. Things change, even when change is so hard for those of us hurting deep inside. I see the board has changed. I never learned how to post a picture. Just knew putting down the words I felt in my heart, help me to see more clearly my new path. At least the path in front of me, the future? Still is so unclear.
I lost my sweet son Tim August 29, 1993, my only child God let me have far too briefly on this earth. Two babies in heaven and then my Tim left. Broken and confused was I. Determined to still live, because they never had a chance. And yet hard to do when the American way of living, is the perfect family syndrome. You have to be perfect, have it all. I even moved to the mid-west where they don't like change, live only for their families. And here is my husband and I, alone in life, lost our only child. Trying to step back into a life but so lost, oh so lost.
My husband went to work today, will be gone until later in the evening. So it is me alone again all day long. My neighbors invited me over for their family Christmas Eve dinner. Insisted I come and wouldn't take no for an answer. When inside, it will be hard for me to walk over there and be alone with all of them. I have never met any of their family. She said 24 people will be there.
So I am going to go. I made a commitment to myself this past year to try no matter what it is to try to do things differently. So this is one of my new step. Took many new ones this past year, too many to count. And I found out I could do more than I thought. But also I found out there are many things I won't do anymore. I took a job, a career job where the boss sucked me into his world. Yes I could do the work but my heart was telling me NO! It took me a couple of months to get it through to my new boss, he needed to hire a new person. I would stay on to help with the transition. They have kept a spot for me working part-time. Which is just what I need for now to again sort through my options. I could have just quit and walked away but this time around I am not taking any more backwards steps in life.
The only thing I have really learned in my grief. Is that I have to do what feel right inside. At first with all the grief it is hard to understand what is right when everything hurts so much. I still get the two places mixed up. Have to take a step back and look at what is happening to better understand is is about life in general or about my loss. And I understand now a pain will always live inside me. The pain level changes with time. And it is not triggered at every turn like those first five years.
I miss my Tim so very much. His smile and laughter still colors my world. I see him everywhere I go. We are almost turning into ONE person. Who he was does live on in me and his husband. He loved Christmas. He loved life in general. So I try to continue on in the same spirit. He was one truly remarkable person. I was truly blessed to have been his mother on this earth.
I do it all for you my sweet Tim. Each and every new step I now take is with you in mind. Your faith and courage and strength is how I now cope. Wishing everyone a peaceful Christmas. May the love of our children surround our hearts as they always do. May we clearly see it this holiday season.
Love to all,
Ramona Tim's Mom
Topic: Wishing You Peace (Read 5799 times)
