Michelle1
I am so sorry you have lost your soul-mate. I too lost mine, so I do understand much of what you say about your feelings. I also am a person who is used to helping others and find it hard to ask for or receive help for myself.
It' has been over four years for me, and I still grieve and I still get sick of it and angry with myself. I have always still been able to enjoy things in my life, but I still have a lot of sadness and lonliness for my husband.
I also use my faith to help me, but that doesn't mean that we stop asking why. I think most of us can't avoid wanting to know why, or feeling angry that our time with our spouse was not as long as we expected. There is no answer to that question, but we still ask.
I know not having your husband to talk to feels unbearable. But we do bear it. Try not to feel guilty for the times you feel better. We need those times to give us strength for the bad times. Try not to feel guilty when you express your sorrow to others. This is what the site is for, and we need to be able to express what we feel. I remember feeling frustrated early in my grief that I was not getting over it faster. Everyone's pace is different and certainly you are in the very early stage. We will never be the same people that we were prior to the death of our loved one, and we won't have that life again. That doesn't mean that we can't go on to find a new life that we can enjoy, and change ourselves in ways that can be positive. It just takes a lot longer to make these changes than we would like.
I am still working on it myself, but may others find their new life much sooner. Try to hang on to that hope. It does get easier over time. But it may be more a process of one step forward and a few steps back. For those of us of the Christian faith, this is the season of Hope. I choose to trust in that even when I am angry, scared or confused. It comforts me. I hope you will find some comfort also.
Peace and Healing,
mousewife