I keep crying - the pain is so much. I want to share with my soul mate but he is gone, then I want to talk to my mum, but she too is gone.
2 deaths in exactly 6 months. my mother died on 25th of August in India, It was early morning the 26th in Australia when she passed away. Exactly 6 months later my soul mate, my husband of 21 years died at 1.15 in the morning on the 26th of February.
I thought I had grieved and was over my mother's death, but it seemed as if I did not allow myself to grieve, as I was busy caring for my husband. And now both of them are gone.
I know one day I will be stronger, my faith keeps me going. I have 2 small girls. After a long time, I was able to cook for them the last 2 days. I love cooking but these days, I am so disorganized and confused. I seem to move in circles. My eyes are filled with tears.
My mother was a fit and active woman. Then suddenly she fainted and a blood test showed she had acute leukemia. She died 45 days later.
My husband too was a fit active man. Exactly 2 years ago on the 26th of Feb, 2009, he underwent a medical examination for a new job, The lung X-ray showed a patch, which was later confirmed as lung cancer. He underwent chemotherapy and radiation, but sadly he developed metastases. However he continued to remain fit and did not look sick. In December 2010, he started to feel tired, however since all his scan showed the cancer as stable and most of the lesions were no longer seen, the oncologist did not think it was the cancer. Sadly on the 20th of January a repeat scan showed multiple diffuse secondaries in the liver and we were told he had weeks to live. He went down very fast and died of liver failure.
He was very peaceful and prepared for his death and funeral. He became unconscious 14 hours before he died. He died very peacefully in my arms early in the morning.
Although I was expecting his death, nothing prepared me for the emptyness and anguish that I feel. I cry often and I miss both him and my mum. The only thing that keeps me going are are two kids and my faith in God. I know that in all things God works for our very best and that my husband is at peace with God. He is now healed and hurts no more.
I spend a lot of time in nature now. I love gardening and I have a vegetable patch. I am physically tired but I feel nurtured when I work with the soil. My beloved used to walk around the garden when I would work, and I feel his presence all around me. I know he is no longer alive, yet he is with me.
Although I cry, I still feel blessed, blessed to have loved and blessed to be loved. Death cannot destroy our love. One day we will meet again. I also write my feelings in the form of a poem. Here is one.
Love of my life
My beloved
When will we be together again?
You have gone ahead
I have a lonely path
To walk alone but you will always be at my side
It is so difficult
And yet
I am happy to have loved and lost
Then to have never loved
21 years of bliss and happiness
21 years of love and joy
21 years of being spoilt
Now I have 21 years of memories
To last a lifetime
To wipe off my tears
And bring laughter and joy to my soul
Despite the tears
Despite the pain
I feel blessed
I am blessed
To have met a man and loved him
And be loved in return
Thank you for your support. It helps to know I am not alone. Others have similar pain and others have overcome it. One day I will see the rainbow again. My love for my beloved will remain, and I will miss him but the anguish will be gone.