I recently lost my fiance to cancer on January 2nd. He was diagnosed at the end of November with aggressive lymphoma. We were together for 12 years (actually, the day of his funeral would have been 12 years from the day we met). We have a 9 year old son together and he raised my 16 year old daughter.
There are days where I can't believe he's gone and expect him to walk through that door any minute or walk up behind me while I'm doing dishes and hug me. I miss him so much. I just feel so hollow inside. I know it is all so fresh for me and people say it will get better, but somehow I feel it never will. I can't sleep at all.
I've lost both my parents and my sister and I never thought anything could hurt as much as that did, but this is a different kind of hurting. I just need someone who understands what I'm going through.
I am on this board due to the loss of my son in July 2009 (he was 29), but years ago, when my son was still a baby, I lost my husband.
It was a terrible time - very painful, with aching lonliness and sorrow. I also experienced that emptiness you describe . . . it was so awful. It was like a huge part of who I was had just vanished, and left this enormous hole.
Having my baby helped a great deal with moving forward - it was difficult, but also a blessing to have a small child. I couldn't wallow in the dumps too long, he needed me so much. He needed me to get up in the morning, to pay attention, etc. And he needed me to love him. Your children will be a help to you, too, I think, as time moves forward.
There is no way to avoid the pain; you have to go through it.
It will get better, but it takes time, and seems to be different for everybody. I think it was about two years before I stopped having fairly frequent "meltdowns" in private. And maybe . . . 10 years before I stopped having them at all, though they had become very infrequent by then.
Know that you are not alone in this - unfortunately, it is an experience we have all had, in one way or another, in this group . . . and we are surviving, in part, by sharing with one another.
I am sorry to hear of your terrible loss, and I wish you all the best as you move forward.