What would you Do!

[angelicmom27]

I,m dealing with something that most would probably say is normal in life but with me. I feel overwhelmed and at my breaking point.
I lost my grandpa 7 months ago. and then a month ago my husband tells me he isnt in love with me anymore and wants to leave me for another women. So i move my kids and my life to another state to start over. and a week and half after getting here he's figured out that he doesnt want to be away from the kids.Figured out the other woman wanted more then he was willing to give so they never gave it a shot. But he's back in the kids life, wont really say much Its so hard living day to day not knowing what i really have in life. he said he's over the other woman about 93%. so what does that really tell me. I,m so lost and confused. I,m trying to keep it together for my three boys. And i have enrolled in CNA classes to better myself. but after 10years i,m still in love with this man, I still want to be with him (even after the damage and pain he has caused). I dont know how to move on and let go. I want to hold on to the kisses and the hugs. and even just being able to look into his eyes.

but i,m also getting so lost in the unknown with him, He is playing a game within him self and i dont want to get crushed over and over.

[sevenofwands]

Hello Angelic:

You asked: "What would you do".  Different people deal with these traumatic episodes in different ways.  There is nothing "normal" about what you are describing. 
Your pain is very real, and you must be feeling confused and hurt.  Your husband does not seem to have a strong sense of responsibility IMO.

I know I would insist on seeing a counsellor, with your husband, so that the issues, very emotional ones,  can be discussed in he presence of an objective third party. This is IMO vital, if some sort of solution is to be found, and a possible strong basis for continuing with your marriage.  If your husband does not wish todo this, then I would doubt his seriousness about repairing the damage he has done.
An episode of this type does not necessarily mean a marriage has to end, but a lot of hard work is going to be involved in finding trust again and in building a better marriage.  Marriage is hard work, even at the best of times, so you will need the help of a counsellor.
Sessions (and you will both need more than one) will also help YOU to determine what it is YOU want from life and from a marriage.

I wish you luck and strength.
Take care of yourself
Seven



 

[angelicmom27]

thank you, I find it very helpful to get out side insight on things because i know i,m living it and yes its very real. so i have a hard time understanding if my choices are made by emitions or by factors i,m detailing with.

And yes i agree i think couslouing would be a great start, my husband has been pushing me into it for myself to make me all better. but i think it could do us both good.

It's so hard for me to figure out what i want because i,m still fully believeing in my marraige and yet whats truly left of that. I cant stand alone and be successful in a marriage..
I wish he would just make up his mind.

[sevenofwands]

Angelic:


You say: "my husband has been pushing me into it for myself to make me all better". 

I think it is important to get your thoughts as clear as you can.  I do not get the impression that there is anything wrong with you that would require you to get "better" (?).  It is your husband, not you, who has got himself into a situation, and this is no fault, absolutely no fault, of yours. 
He made the decision to philander, and that was no one else's decision but his.  I get the impression he is projecting onto you, to try to blame you in some way for his wandering.  Is this so?

Do not allow yourself to be demeaned, to be left as some kind of "second option" on one side, while he is making up his mind.  You are his wife, you deserve some respect, and he is not being respectful. 

Naturally you would want your marriage to work, but he is the other half of the marriage, and will need to get in tandem with you to work on the situation. 
A well-qualified counsellor will help you to see things more clearly, so that you can work out for yourself what exactly it is you wish to do.
Have you asked your husband to attend counselling with you?

All the best
Seven

[SarahW]

I,m dealing with something that most would probably say is normal in life but with me. I feel overwhelmed and at my breaking point.
I lost my grandpa 7 months ago. and then a month ago my husband tells me he isnt in love with me anymore and wants to leave me for another women. So i move my kids and my life to another state to start over. and a week and half after getting here he's figured out that he doesnt want to be away from the kids.Figured out the other woman wanted more then he was willing to give so they never gave it a shot. But he's back in the kids life, wont really say much Its so hard living day to day not knowing what i really have in life. he said he's over the other woman about 93%. so what does that really tell me. I,m so lost and confused. I,m trying to keep it together for my three boys. And i have enrolled in CNA classes to better myself. but after 10years i,m still in love with this man, I still want to be with him (even after the damage and pain he has caused). I dont know how to move on and let go. I want to hold on to the kisses and the hugs. and even just being able to look into his eyes.

but i,m also getting so lost in the unknown with him, He is playing a game within him self and i dont want to get crushed over and over.

I think you are smart not to want to get involved in the "game he is playing with himself." 

I echo Seven's advice about a counselor, especially since you are new in the area where you are now living. 

If your husband won't go, go without him.  You can get a listening ear, and some guidance on how to deal with this very complex situation.  I think most people would need help and guidance to deal with the difficult situation you describe.

You are on the right track reaching out and trying to figure out how to get help.  Best wishes to you as you work on this. 

[angelicmom27]

yes , he is blaming me for this in many ways. And actting like its normal to have this time period of hiself not knowing what he wants and leaving thigns so in the air and that be totally ok.
I do plan to get into couseling he doesnt want to go. but i will and hopefully yes get some type of help..because daily i feel so lost and like i,m drowning thru all this..and being  a mother of three i need to be at my best and i,m so not my best right now. i,m physical really just struggling day to day. mentally, i feel so much of me is shutting down.
I do believe in my marriage and i cant seem to let it go even tho its right there he asked for a divorce yes hes come back closer to me and the kids but he hasnt ever taken back what he said and i doubt he will.  Its just very hard to let go of something so close to my heart. I dont know why i,m holding on when at face-value. he really doesnt seem to care or lvoe me. he seems to be really trying to tear apart the last ten years and make it to be nothing.  all to make himself feel better. I so dont get this but i do hope i can get some help. hopefully this state offers couseling that could help me.
I want to keep everything that everyone tells me that its Him not me..but its hard to see that after i leave this site or hear those words because whats so wrong with me that he cant love me. that he just wants to walk away. why cant my kids and our family be enough for him.

[sevenofwands]

Angelic:

I think you are showing remarkable strength through all this. 

As I suspected, he does not want to go to counselling.  After all, he thinks there is nothing wrong with him, and besides he knows full well that in counselling he will have to face himself and hear some home truths. 
The self-absorbed are unable to see beyond themselves, and do not have the gift of empathy.  It is a sad fact, Angelic, that people like that do not have the ability to love in the sense that the rest of us do.  I think the counsellor will explain all this to you, and I so hope you can see a therapist very soon, for your own sake and that of your children.

You are lovable, Angelic, there is nothing wrong with YOU.  It is quite possible that he cannot love anyone. 
You deserve to be loved, and respected, and you need to be strong and in good health for your children.   I truly feel for you, and do please seek support out there as quickly as you can.


All the best
Seven

[sevenofwands]

Angelic:

A book I had heard of and looked up again.  Perhaps it might be helpful to you. 

Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away by Dr. Bethany Marshall

"Product Description
. Not all men, just emotionally unhealthy men. The ones who make you question, "Is it him or is it me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? I try to tell him how I feel, but he says I'm overreacting or needy or it's all my fault."
Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be? When do you know you are struggling too hard to make a relationship succeed?

Deal Breakers is about getting out of this "relationship purgatory" -- where the present is unfulfilling and the future is the only thing you can hope for. But there
is no magic future. If he won't work on problems today, it's unlikely they'll ever be resolved. And passively hoping for change will only cost you years of depression or expensive therapy".


All the best
Seven

[angelicmom27]

thank u ill check into that book.its fitting me more and more daily..thanks