Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 25, 2014, 08:54:35 PM
Home Help Search Calendar Login Register
News:

+  webhealing.com
|-+  Crisis, Grief, and Healing
| |-+  Child Loss
| | |-+  new member...help needed
« previous next »
Pages: [1] Print
Author Topic: new member...help needed  (Read 213 times)
Riss24
nospam
Newbie
*
Posts: 4


View Profile
« on: October 16, 2014, 10:39:13 PM »

Hi,
I guess this is where I introduce myself? I'm new obviously, forgive me. First of all I hate that I'm a member of this now, hate that any of us are! but I'm thankful there's this place where I can now vent, ask for help and support from you who've been here awhile. My precious and beloved 21 year old daughter died June 4th of an accidental drug overdose. It's been just over 4 months and most days I still feel like dying myself. Every day is hard to get through. But before I go on and on about this, I've specifically gotten on this site for the first time today because I'm stressing and hoping someone here can help...My daughter who died has a twin sister and their birthday is coming up November 24th, as if the holidays won't be hard enough. For the first time in her life, my girl will be having a birthday without her "other half" and I'm just so sad for her. Any advice on how to "celebrate" or how to prepare myself and my daughter for this day? She has thus far been coping unusually well, actually I don't believe it's really hit her but she's expressed that it's getting harder for her as their birthday nears. Any input would be appreciated!
Logged
Janka
nospam
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 59


Janīs Angel Date 11/11/11


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2014, 01:12:51 PM »

Dear Riss24!

Iīm sorry for your loss!

Hug you from the heart!

Janka
Logged

​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka
Terry
Global Moderator
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 5082


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2014, 02:58:35 PM »


((((((((Riss))))))))

I'm so sorry to learn that your precious daughter died. I'm glad you found us here at Webhealing but agree that no one ever wants to join a club such as this.

I came to Webhealing when my surviving son of 29 years died. His angel date is in January and it will be 13 years. As I type this I find it hard to believe it has been that long. I also lost two other children; a little girl, 4 named Michelle Marie and my baby, Salvatore. Although I have learned to live with the pain of missing them, the hole in my heart remains.
Your great loss is still so raw since it's so recent. Getting through all of those *firsts* is very difficult and please know that I am here for you through every date you face.

Regarding how to celebrate or to prepare yourself and your daughter for the first date....I can't advise other than just to be yourself and feel everything that you need to and also allow your daughter to do the same. It's healthy to express our emotions and it's healthy to cry. I honestly can't remember a lot of those firsts as I was still in shock, waiting for them to come back. In my mind I knew they were dead but it took my heart a much longer time to accept it. Your daughter being a twin must be having a very difficult time. I would let her know how very much you love her and give her lots of hugs. You both need lots of hugs right now.
You shared that she's coping exceptionally well and you may be right that she's still in shock. We all grieve very differently and there are no set stages when grieving, contrary to all of the information collected on grief from many sources.

Tell me more about your daughter. I would love to get to know the person she was. And, if you would like to post a picture of her, I would be happy to help you do that.

Again, I am so deeply sorry for your pain. If there is anything I can do, don't hesitate to contact me on or off the board.

Sending you hugs and all my love,
Terry

Logged

"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
Adams Brokenhearted Mama
nospam
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 1107


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2014, 03:50:20 PM »

((Riss24))

It's always so sad to read a posting from another newbie to our sad grief journey. My sincere and heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
There is no simple answer on how to get through these traumatic events. Somehow, day to day gets easier as time goes on. However, the occasions and holidays are just devastatingly difficult.
I cannot imagine what it must be like for your surviving twin; from conception 1/2 of a whole-puts loss for me, reading your story, in a whole new perspective.
I would encourage dialogue, perhaps even a ritual as releasing butterflies or balloons.
8 years ago when I found this website it was a godsend for me. I hope that you will find it true for yourself as well. We, the bereaved parents, understand like no other, what this is like.
Let us know how it goes for you.
Paula
(Adam's heartbroken Mama)
Logged

XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings
Riss24
nospam
Newbie
*
Posts: 4


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2014, 10:47:40 PM »

Thank you for the replies and of course for the understanding and empathy. I need to make a point of reading your "stories" Sad  as well. I do know that unless you've been thru this, as we all unfortunately have, there is no real comprehension of how bad it hurts and how it just feels like the world's been knocked off its axis-- nothing is ok anymore. Even to begin participating in this is a step toward acceptance that I'm not positive I'm up for! I know she's died and isn't coming back but honestly, my "participation in life" re doing anything except sitting and thinking nonstop about her, crying every day for missing her, and pretty much drawing into myself etc etc, has been very limited other than reading literally 30+ books on grief, heaven, comfort from beyond type books in hope of finding solace. Haven't watched but about 4 hours of tv, have yet to step foot into a grocery store or anywhere real public because I know if anyone says a word to me about her I'm going to be a puddle on the ground. You may have already surmised this, but I don't think I'm coping well!! I will make this effort though, to "talk" here and draw upon the strength and experience you on this site can surely impart. I've never participated in computer chat/forums ( don't even "do" facebook!) so you all might have to walk me thru this, too- how/where to post certain things, the "rules" etc, sorry! Uugh. I'm in a funk today, don't WANT to and don't feel l can DO this whole life after loss crap!!! I'll come back here in a day or two when I hopefully have a better outlook, today sucks. Thank you Terry, Paula and Janka for the welcome and the heartfelt support and encouragement...I'm thankful for having found this site, you all may be my lifesavers. Bless you
Logged
Terry
Global Moderator
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 5082


View Profile
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2014, 10:38:08 PM »


Riss,

Be kind and gentle with yourself. If you're getting out of bed in the morning and maybe even jumping in the shower, well that's an accomplishment and a huge one after losing a child. This is hard and we all understand here how long and hard this journey is. Take it one hour, second....breath at a time. Your body and your heart have been devastated, beaten....and it feels like it will never get better. I know that feeling, too.

Just try to remember to stay hydrated. Drink lots of water. Snack on healthy foods if you can't yet sit down to a meal. Rest as much as you are able to. I know all of this is hard. Our bodies and our minds take a beating as grief runs havoc on our immune systems and we can become very sick. And, know that someone is always here to listen.

Love,
Terry
Logged

"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
Riss24
nospam
Newbie
*
Posts: 4


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2014, 11:20:30 PM »

Hi to anyone who will read this!
Having such a hard, hard day. They're all hard but as you know, some are harder than others. I know this is something I'll never get over but when I read others stories about how it's been 3,5,10,13..years and it still hurts so bad, I kind of panic. I can't fathom feeling so bereft like this for what could be years and years before I die and finally have relief! Today when I went to the cemetery I wanted to just lie down and never get up. Which brings me to a question--though I know each and every one of us handles things differently, I'm wondering if any of you in the early days/months after the death of your loved one, were kind of obsessed with going to the cemetery? I go at least 4 times a week and on the days I don't go I make sure that my oldest daughter does. It just matters to me that someone goes every single day. One evening I discovered that my daughter didn't go like I'd asked her to and I lost it..so, bless my husband's heart (I've been divorced from my children's dad for 17 years, have been married just 3 years to my husband) he gets our camping lantern and at 10:00 at night we drive the 13 miles to the cemetery. I've kept fresh cut flowers there since she was buried June 12th and one of the reasons I'm having a hard time these past couple of weeks especially, is because the weather where I live is starting to get cold, we'll have snow within a month...and I'm sad sad sad that I won't be able to keep it "pretty" there for her and I don't want it to snow on her!!! As I write this I know how crazy I must sound. And 2 weeks ago my husband was finally going to take our a/c unit out of the window and I couldn't handle it, as he was in the middle of putting it IN the day I got the call that an ambulance was responding to the house my daughter was at when she in fact had been deceased for hours. So it's still in the window, he'll have to do it when I'm not home. I just hate that time is passing, seasons are changing, life is going on when it feels to me like everything stopped the day she died. And as I mentioned in my first post, her (and her twin's) birthday is coming up. Their names are Sadie* and Shallyn by the way. Just feels like so much is weighing on me and I'm taking it SO hard. Crying every day and not being able to help it is wearing on me, don't know how much more I can take! How can something hurt so bad and not kill a person? This post has turned into a vent/diary, my apologies. And also my thanks for hearing me out. HELP!!!
Logged
Janka
nospam
Jr. Member
**
Posts: 59


Janīs Angel Date 11/11/11


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2014, 11:57:13 AM »

Dear Riss24!

I go to the cemetery because of my beloved man Jan every month almost 3 years and when itīs unbearable,I go though twice a week,because it helps me.I canīt watch like the others of his family donīt take care of his grave,myself only.It hurts so much,but this is the proof that I did,I do and Iīll do love him forever above all.Heīs everything I am,I believe in and I love till eternity.I donīt think youīre obsessed with going to the cemetery.It helps me too,because thereīs a part of him.There is all of my love in every stone...all of my tears in every lump of the ground...There is no other place like him.I go there every month to bring him the most beautiful roses and Iīll always do for the rest of my life.​I take a seat there talking to him,no matter if in hot or frosty weather,I express my love for him every day of my life,otherwise I couldnīt live anymore.I understand you very well.I really know what youīve been going through by now.If I only could go there more often,but I canīt.Heīs unfortunately buried in another city,so only travel takes 3 hours a day.You see I had the better day yesterday invited to celebrate my best friendīs birthday,meeting a few kind people I havenīt seen very long time and today I feel sadness again.I do my best I can to cope with my pain because of my beloved Jan to do not make him so sad,but sometimes itīs too hard anyway,crying more than before.I always look for a way and sometimes I see no reason for going on,feeling so hopeless as I have no close family,no children,only 3 best friends helping me as much as possible and they havenīt lost a beloved woman,or beloved man like myself.Anyhow my beloved Jan is by my side every second of my life.When you read my story,my messages and my poems writing for him,then you know how it feels.You see itīs stronger than me as Iīm writing you with the tears in my eyes again.My work is something has been helping me the most day after day.I donīt know whether I would have survived if I had not been at work every day.Thereīs needed to do something as often as possible to do not break down...to do not lose the common sense...to stand up each time and move on...I do it more than 1000 days and nights all alone,every day of my life,always because of my beloved Jan waiting for me in heaven.Iīll never stop crying for him...it always hurts more than words can say...but Iīve survived somehow...I must be strong because of my beloved Jan.Iīve got the evidence of my immortal beloved.I know one day weīll be together as one again...forever...till eternity...
Your words donīt seem to be crazy.Itīs a proof of your love.It is beautiful.Youīre not alone.Iīm here every day for you.You can write me anytime you need.
Please take care!

We all will be one day with our loved ones till eternity.

Hug you from the heart!

Janka

Logged

​I always kiss you from the heart,my endless love,
you know how much I love you,also stars above,
you will always be my dearest and only one,
I can not wait to be with you,my beloved Jan.

Janka
Doug1222
nospam
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 515


Keep on keeping on.


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2014, 03:43:04 PM »

Hi to anyone who will read this!
Having such a hard, hard day. They're all hard but as you know, some are harder than others. I know this is something I'll never get over but when I read others stories about how it's been 3,5,10,13..years and it still hurts so bad, I kind of panic.

Hi, Riss. It's been nineteen years since I lost my brother and fourteen since I lost my dad.

It still hurts. It's hurts terribly. I'd be lying to tell it doesn't. It never gets better. I didn't even go through the worst of my grief until around 2011/2012. Then it was a year-long depression. It was horrible. It never heals.

However, it does get less frequent and doesn't last as long. Now certain things will trigger me. I might go months without getting terribly sad. Then something will remind me and I might cry all night.

It doesn't get well. It does get less frequent, though.

((((((((Riss)))))))))
Logged
blindsided
nospam
Newbie
*
Posts: 36


View Profile
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2014, 05:01:00 PM »

(((Riss24)))

One day there will be light in your life again, when I can't say but it will come.  I lost my youngest son at age 17, 11 years ago.  In a few days we will celebrate his 29th birthday which is something I really can't put my head around.

Frankly speaking, the first 2 years are just hard, there is no way around it.  You have to go through it so just let yourself go with whatever you need to do for you. Take each day, one second at a time cause that right now is all you can do.  Scream, cry, throw a fit if that is what you need to do at that moment but give yourself permission to feel what you feel.  There is no right way or wrong way with grief, there is just your way and what makes the moments ok for you.  Over the years I've described my grief as waves in an ocean… they come in and they go out.  There are dark dark times, I don't think there are any of us here who haven't felt that black hole is gonna swallow us up and not let go.  But with that said, we are still here, we have survived and yet are hearts are still broken, we miss our babies something terrible and that isn't gonna change nor should it.  They are our children and our love is unconditional.

If right now you need to go to the cemetery every day then that is what you need to do.  Be patient with those around you for maybe going to the cemetery isn't as easy for them… I know this is much easier said than done for right now all emotions are at the surface.

I can tell you that one day it will just happen where the pain isn't as constant, every day crying subsides and while the pain never goes away it does get softer and a little gentler.  But right now that doesn't matter and you can't even comprehend how that can ever be.  I hold you close to my heart because reading your words is something we have all felt and never forget.

Just post as you can and know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are a grieving mom.  I understand your precious girl has a twin.  My best advice is just keep talking and sharing.  Maybe try and make decisions together on how to take this 1st birthday without her twin.  In our family we have always done balloon releases and sent messages.  It is tough there is no way around it.  It also sounds like you have a very supportive partner in your life and keep that line of communication open as well.  I now have grandchildren and we talk about their uncle whom they will never know all the time.  Then there are also those very private days where I just need to be with me, there are still hard days and I've come to accept that this is just what it is and it is ok.

Just remember take one moment, one breath and one step at a time.  That is all you can do.  I am so sorry for your loss and so very sorry that you have joined this club but it certainly has saved me and many others.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Logged
Adams Brokenhearted Mama
nospam
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 1107


View Profile
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2014, 06:03:23 PM »

Everything you wrote I can most certainly relate to very personally. We all walk the grief journey independently and yet collectively together. So many of us will read your posts and say oh yeah, I know exactly what she is feeling, going through, experiencing because all of it was my experience too and some of us will respond in writing to your posts.
My heart aches for yours because there is nothing so difficult as the beginning of the grief journey. While I am now a very sad individual time has allowed me to move forward in a direction that I never thought possible. I too, couldn't believe that a heart could be broken so badly and yet still beat. I even had a suicide attempt a few short months after my son died. It is my belief that he didn't allow it to happen because as a RN I know the amount of pills I ingested should have killed me. There are still days that I don't want to go on, however I saw how my attempt hurt my surviving family and friends and I vowed to not go down that path again. With a lot of bereavement groups, therapy, medications and this online grief site I get through the day.
I went to a meeting once and a man was there who was 15 years into his grief journey and I was dumbfounded by that number because mine had just begun. It made me realize that no matter where we are in our grief journey, a bereaved parent can and must reach out to other bereaved parents because I firmly believe that no other human being can truly understand the depth of our pain. Keep on reaching out to us, try to go to any and all bereavement groups, therapists ... anything you can think of or that are suggestions from people like us who know the hell that you are in.
Wishing you moments of peace and dream visits and signs from your angel.
XO Paula
Logged

XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings
Doug1222
nospam
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 515


Keep on keeping on.


View Profile
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2014, 06:42:20 AM »

If right now you need to go to the cemetery every day then that is what you need to do.  Be patient with those around you for maybe going to the cemetery isn't as easy for them…

I'd also add that some people don't get anything out of visiting a cemetary. I've never been to one besides at burials except one time when I took my sister. Graves are meaningless to me. It's not that I find it hard. It's that I don't feel anything in going.

Some people do. I'm glad they find comfort. My sister always visits the graves when she's home.

It's more of a philosophical difference than it has anything to do with the people we lost.



Logged
Terry
Global Moderator
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 5082


View Profile
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2014, 12:11:24 PM »


Today when I went to the cemetery I wanted to just lie down and never get up. Which brings me to a question--though I know each and every one of us handles things differently, I'm wondering if any of you in the early days/months after the death of your loved one, were kind of obsessed with going to the cemetery? I go at least 4 times a week and on the days I don't go I make sure that my oldest daughter does. It just matters to me that someone goes every single day.


((((((Riss)))))) I personally do not go to the cemetery but then most of my loved ones were cremated. Here in my home they are all with me. They each have their shelf with pictures, poems and even video attached. Some family who have visited my home thinks it's morbid having a shrine in my home to all of my loved ones but I tell them the same thing I would tell anyone else who doesn't like it....There's the door!! So, whatever brings you comfort right now, Riss then that's what you should do. Don't let all of those well meaning folks who I refer to as the Grief Police tell you how to grieve for your precious daughter. Whatever brings you comfort.


One evening I discovered that my daughter didn't go like I'd asked her to and I lost it..so, bless my husband's heart (I've been divorced from my children's dad for 17 years, have been married just 3 years to my husband) he gets our camping lantern and at 10:00 at night we drive the 13 miles to the cemetery. I've kept fresh cut flowers there since she was buried June 12th and one of the reasons I'm having a hard time these past couple of weeks especially, is because the weather where I live is starting to get cold, we'll have snow within a month...and I'm sad sad sad that I won't be able to keep it "pretty" there for her and I don't want it to snow on her!!!


I feel the same regarding your surviving daughter that if she is finding it difficult to go to the cemetery then that certainly is her choice to go or not to go.
This is so hard for everyone right now and the most important thing to remember is that your precious daughter lived. She lived and she was loved and no one, ever can take those memories away from you, Riss.
This time of early grief is most difficult and also, confusing. The reality of my babies deaths didn't hit me right away and I was waiting for my oldest son to come home...to call me...I would even believe that I saw him in cars passing by. It is just a heart wrenching experience, losing a child. I believe it is a violation of the human spirit.

Now, after many years I am able to remember them with joy in my heart and tell stories about them that make me laugh....something I thought would never become reality. But that took time. A lot of time and doing the work of grief and the work of grief is feeling everything. Getting all of our feelings out. For me it wasn't until the third year after losing my oldest son when I began to find purpose for my life. That's another post but wanted briefly to share that time frame with you.

Know that I am holding you so close to my heart with love and understanding. Know that anything you're feeling is OK. It really is. We are all here for you.

Much love,
Terry
Logged

"The amount of grief one feels is in direct proportion to the amount of love one felt." From C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed.
Doug1222
nospam
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 515


Keep on keeping on.


View Profile
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2014, 12:23:44 PM »

Whatever brings you comfort.

Exactly.
Logged
Pages: [1] Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  


Login with username, password and session length

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.20 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!