Thanks for checking in. Craig & I purchased a 2nd home in Fla. It's a true escape for us, not only from the cold North winters but away from all the reminders and issues that are still ongoing.
Matt & his family are doing well in DC. Their darling lil girl will turn one in 2 months. Kaiti is in a prison drug treatment program and is due for release in 2 months. Josh & his sweet gf are now living together and both are working & happy.
Craig has very serious health issues that I am unsure if they are resolvable. I am in a holding pattern. I didn't resume school, knitting or my music lessons. Been keeping busy with decorating the new house however there is a lot of down time and I am not filling it very productively. Been in touch with the psychiatrist, adjusting meds. As it gets closer to K's discharge I get anxious and fear the next downfall. AND..I do know that worrying over future events or staying in the past is pointless so go figure.
We've had some visitors to our new home and that has been fun as we miss everyone. Tonight another guest arrives.
I am just not happy. I have moments of happiness. I am extremely grateful for all that I have. Yet, the 2 things that I cannot have derails me. Adam & a promise of a good life for Kate.
Last July, Craig's youngest sister tragically lost her son in a freak accident. That loss, so unexpected, seeing their grief added another layer of sadness to my broken heart. A few months later a friend's son suddenly died. Seeing all these fresh broken hearts wounded mine with the knowledge of how life will never be the same for them again.
It is so scary to live in our world. It's hard, when you know what we know, to just plod along, doing everything good and right and then to have these tragedies befall us. It's hard to maintain a positive outlook and keep hopeful and yet without those feelings of positivity and hope I would find it hard to go on.
I mourn the loss of just feeling happy, carefree and unburdened by such sadness in my life. For years, I was still seeking that however, I now know that can never be a part of who I am any longer. I am enriched by knowledge and stronger that I was before all of this and yet I would give it up in a nano moment and the strength came by the way of utter depletion.
It's an awkward life for sure being the bereaved parent. You can be happy but always sad. You can be strong and yet always feel ready to crumble.
One of the recent things that I am feeling that I am not comfortable with is the passage of time. I feel very distant from Adam. I mourn him, long for him however it is becoming very apparent that a great deal of time is passing since he was last alive. I dislike that time passage.
Adam's gf married and I wonder if anyone of his contemporaries still think of him. Do they remember him with fondness or just his downfall?
Not too long ago, I was sitting in my living room chair, alone late at night, watching TV in the dark when a powerful smell of cigarette smoke came to me. Both my deceased parents smoked and so did Adam. I knew that someone was visiting me, just didn't know whom. Those signs, however infrequent, reminds me that there is another dimension that resides alongside of us and that their love can move great obstacles to get a message to us. It's not the fear that I won't be with my loved ones, it's just the longing for Adam and my other departed loved ones that makes me feel so unhappy.
I think that it would help a great deal if Kaiti could turn her life around. It would ease a great block of cement that rests on my heart.
I also live in a fear that something will befall my other children. My intellect knows where this all comes from, my brain chemistry is being helped out with meds, therapy has been a part of my life for years. It's scary to think what I would truly be feeling without all of these interventions. It's a strong word, but I hate that these thoughts creep into my head. And I realize that they are thoughts, not not actions, not real events, but they sneak into my brain and heart. It's a constant battle and I'm drained & tired by it all.
Oh boy, am I a Debbie Downer or what today?
You asked a simple check-in question Terry and I let loose. Not a good example for the poor newbies that are here.