Author Topic: When does it END!  (Read 4195 times)

angelicmom27

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When does it END!
« on: November 16, 2010, 10:03:11 AM »
I first came to this site hoping to find helpful tools on how to prepare myself for the death of my grandfather i was taking care of. Well 5 months ago, I did lose him. I watched his life fade in his eyes. And i cant get that image out of my mind. Ive been struggling since then but ive had the support of my caring husband. Well now my husband came to me a week ago and wants a divorce Period no trying to work it out nothing, hes found someone else that he sees full of possiables. So shortly after thanksgiving problem within that weekend. I get to put my three young boys thru a move and watching their father walk away.  Ive never done things alone. I feel like at this point i,m not enough i wasnt enough to keep my grandpa alive i am not enough for my husband since he sight out someone else. yes i have my faults that he uses as this is way but my faults arent UNfixable.  I feel hopeless and scared and i wish i could give up that even tiny part of me that hopes that ok give him time let him explore all that he is thinking is so great and months or years down the road he will be back to me but theres also that chance that he doesnt.
I,m drowning in all my losses. HELP!

Terry

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2010, 04:27:22 PM »
((((( Angelicmom )))))

I'm sorry your Grand Father died. I know you cared for him while he was ill and I also know the stress this placed on your marriage. My husband is dead now, a few years ago and he was very supportive but was resentful of the time I gave to my Father. My Dad has AD and I have been caring for him 14 years and the last 3 have been extremely difficult. Until a year ago, I did it alone. It hasn't even been a year yet since I've had nurses here day and night. It was after his stroke which was in the summer.

I understand the time, the energy and the love a caregiver must have to care, both physically and emotionally for someone very ill. And, I remember urging you to seek help as it can become draining for the other family members when we are exhausted. But, we do the best we can and I, too waited too long to seek help and my own health has suffered because of this procrastination. I have a bad back due to an accident and I am once again, bed bound. Please take care of yourself, especially now.

I am so deeply sorry to hear of the problems in your marriage. Is he willing to go to counseling with you at this point? Have you asked him?

Please don't beat yourself up or put yourself down due to another's decision. We do the best we can and hope others around us who love us will understand and if they don't, so be it.

You have my love and understanding,
Terry

angelicmom27

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2010, 04:46:12 PM »
Thanks!! it does feel good knowing someone else is dealing with simliar feelings..I have put alot towards taking care of my grandpa and thru that when i lost him i lost myself and thru couseling and a grief group i,m improving but that has also meant changes ive never been before so i do think it has changes my husbands feelings in our marriage. He has someone already waiting for him. to be with. So no, nothing is stopping him. we have a 7 6 4 yrs and going thru a christmas without our family together is going to be awful and he had and has the choice to at least get thru that and he said NO..  I do hope to find strengthen. And become JUST ME..10 yrs ive never been anything more. Its hard hearing from him that some of my changes has changed his feelings for wanting me. I lose weight and become thinner and he said there is a point where he wouldnt want me. that does make me wonder is my choices really healthly and good or is it just me searching for something that doesnt exist. 

In ways i feel like all the reasons why he wants this dirove are there and he will regret leaving me but i need to let that hope go

Terry

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2010, 05:06:16 PM »
Well, good for you! Maybe it's time to spend much needed energy on searching every corner of YOU! You'll discover many pleasant and even awesome attributes!

I've always lived my life following the Serenity Prayer. It's good common sense advice!

In starting over/rediscovering we find New Hopes for our future!

Just hold your breath and jump! If the fall is too hard, a little TLC and then get back up!!

My love,
Terry

angelicmom27

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2010, 06:49:53 PM »
I love that prayer as well. I wish i could have it on every wall around me. and i do hope to discover a new strengthen and a great future ahead. I truly hope for so much. Its just so hard knowing a man can just let go of his family like this and go to another woman a be happy have joyful moments. Full knowing that his kids will be troubling over losing dad in this way.
I hope that the fall and leaps that i need to face arent to deep or too rock filled.
I wish i could understand why in my heart i keep hoping that someday thru this he will come back and miss me. That he will see what we had was special and yes broken at times but can be meaded. I wish i could lose hope in him. but thru all that i have with him which is everything i could be thru mentally and physically i shouldnt have stayed with him but i did and want that till the end of the time. I just have such a big heart that no matter how much someone puts me thru its still loving and giving for all.
I,m trying to figure out how to separte the caregiver in me  and the grandaughter in me. i felt like both sides failed my grandfather.

Terry

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2010, 08:47:35 PM »
I'm sure that your husband will continue contact with his children. Is there any reason that you think he won't? The children are most important right now as they never have a say in how their lives unfold at those ages and that's so sad. Have you sat down and had a family meeting yet regarding the days and other times when he'll be seeing them? That is so important to get ironed out before anything else takes place.

Why do you feel you failed your Grandpa? You took very good care of him and loved him dearly. What else is going on?

I understand when you say you need to separate/distance yourself from the title you grew into as I have taken care of so many in my family and when they're gone, a piece that we didn't even know existed is also gone. It can be very confusing but please know I understand.

Please tell me more about your Grandpa. And, just know that regardless of how HIGH or how ROCKY or how close to the EDGE you come on that mountain, that you are STRONG and you can weather every storm on your descent. Don't ever doubt that!

Love,
Terry



























































angelicmom27

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2010, 10:36:50 PM »
Ok in regards to my husband, yes i think he will see them and contact them us moving out of state by his choice wil make it harder but he set the road. I hope that the kids will understand. I hope to get enough strengthen to be what i need to be for them.  We havent had a family meeting yet since the date of when i leave with the kids is unknown (we are trying to set up where i go and getting a car so i can take care of the kids).

on to my grandfather.

I was his first grandaugter. He always said your my number one grandaughter first and of course favorite. he always praised me for little or big things. my grandparents raised me more then my mom did. so being there for my grandparents when their health started failing wasnt hard. we lost my grandma to a blood clot (which no one saw coming). i came back for my grandpa and helped him thru the first 3 weeks of losing grandma and then i had to go back oregon. but a few months later i moved back to idaho and at first i was 2 hrs away and came up weekly to check on him and had neigbors keeping me up updated daily. then i started seeing that even with my visits it wasnt enough. so i moved in with him and took on taking care of my three childern with speical needs as well as his daily health and all that came with life. meeds. meals. bills.  i was a nurse over nite learning all about meds and oxgen levels and its was stressful. wondering if i was doing everything right but i feel like i did my best but why i feel like i failed was he was ok with dieing and i feel like i did something to make him choose death over life.

angelicmom27

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2010, 01:11:58 PM »
Went into the dr, today to try to get help thru my meds for anixety and depression. And yet again, all are shocked of how someone could put a person thru this at a time in my life. timing with this is a factor and it sucks. but also unchangeable. If its not thing its another. Everyone is wondering what could help because someone faced with all that i am, is set up for a big crash. its not like they dont want to see if they can make it less they all are but maybe theres truly no answer no help to get me thru so much. this is a pretty awful thing for him to put me thru and be so uncaring it should give me strengthen but all it gives me is sadness that he feels that let down by me that this is really the right move and totally ok to do. 
 Like ive said i really hope that he does come to his senses but at the same time i hope that ive got enough strengthen builded up and courage not to just fall for the set up again and at least make it something that we have to build and grow slowly. then again maybe he just wont come back to me for a relationship at all. maybe thats truly what he doesnt EVER want.

Terry

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2010, 03:29:02 PM »
on to my grandfather.
 wondering if i was doing everything right but i feel like i did my best but why i feel like i failed was he was ok with dieing and i feel like i did something to make him choose death over life.

Me and my Dad talked, during one of his lucid moments and before his stroke and he, too was at peace with dying. I could see it in my eyes. I could feel it in my heart. At that point (and it was like a veil of peace fell over me) I was no longer angry with this awful disease that was taking my Father away from me. And, since that day, I continue to smile with him and he no longer sees the fear or the anger in my eyes and he is more at peace. There truly is a peace in dying. I guess when my time comes, I will understand this peace that my Dad now feels.

Please try not to feel that you did anything, said anything for your Grandpa to choose the peace of death over the state of his life at the time.

I'm sorry. These feelings must cause you great pain.

Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: When does it END!
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2010, 03:34:38 PM »
Regarding your husband, just take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll make the right choices concerning the best interest of your children, regardless of the tensions between you and your husband. The children must always come first, both their physical and emotional well-being. You sound like a good person and I'm sure you are a great Mom, Too! I have no doubt you will work through this to ensure peace and stability for everyone involved.

Please keep me updated!

Love,
Terry