Hello everyone. I am LarryR and have been skimming over this forum wondering if there was anything here for me. On June 15 of this year, I returned home from a nightshift and found that my wife, best friend, soulmate and guiding light of 33 years had died in the night of heart failure. The details probably aren't all that important for now but she had not been well for awhile, yet there was no indication from her recent tests that this was even a remote possibility. Guilt set in immediately; at not being there with her when she died, at not making her go to her doctor and maybe catch what it was that brought about the heart failure.
As I waited for paramedics to arrive I did CPR but I knew it was too late. I still feel and hear her ribs breaking under the first compression. I don't dream about it or go 'back to the moment' as in the disassociative aspects of PTSD, but random sights, smells, touches bring it all back. I suppose that will never go away.
I have witnessed horrendous things in my life, but nothing comes close to this.
I returned to work after two weeks of basically living like a hermit on my rural place, secluded and lost in my own grief and trauma. My job can be stressful and dangerous at times and I returned when I felt I was ready and focused enough not to put myself or my co-workers in danger. I needed something else to distract me from my horrible sense of loss and the physical feeling of emptiness. I can maintain my 'work face' at work but find it mentally draining by the time days off come up.
There are bad days, worse days, and the odd random 'OK' day here and there, but there's always an ongoing sadness all the time. A few co-workers have been very supportive and understanding but they are all young and busy with their own lives and I can't burden them with my own problems. I have no family other than our son who lives 10 hours away, and no close friends to lean on. My wife and I were not religious but she did have a particular form of spirituality that I am embracing and learning more about but it doesn't really seem to help.
So on my days off from work I just putter around aimlessly and I find myself doing uncharacteristically strange - but harmless - things. My wife's last little messes and piles of stuff are still around; her projects, her stuff on her living room table and in her home office, even her laundry is still piled up and her last shopping list is on the fridge door. I can't bring myself to move them yet I fall to pieces when I look at them.
Sometimes I can be OK, but then it all seems to build up and I'll have wave after wave of crying fits one after the other.
I don't think time heals anything but I just want this to stop. She wouldn't want me to be sad and unhappy but I can't imagine being anything else ever again,
other than lonely and sad.