Author Topic: Introductions thread  (Read 61851 times)

JustMark

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #165 on: March 07, 2018, 10:33:10 AM »
Hi Kim61,

I know those treatments that Richard went through were rough and I'm sure he was thankful to have someone like you to be by his side as he went through them. Gina and I are both disabled but when we first met we weren't aware I had anything more then depression and on back on my way to living a normal life. Gina had suffered years with a ventral hernia that 10 surgical attempts at repair were unsuccessful when we met in December of 2006. We got married in 2009 after my physical disabilities developed from past injuries I suffered while in the Army and later from working around industrial machinery. From when we had met and even after we got married we lost count of the number of er visits for the problems with her stomach. In spring of 2015 Gina had a successful knee replacement surgery and somehow or other while she was still recuperating the night they before they were going to release her she ended up with brachial plexis and lost the use of her right arm. so I cared for her for the remainder of her life for almost two years. Just after we lost Sarge our first Service dog and father of a special litter of pups we had, Gina started going down hill fast for her last 6 months. Then in March last year she died of heart attach.

For both of us it was our 2nd marriage and from the time we dated and after we married we were together just a little more then 10 years. We were inseparable from the beginning and we each treasured the time we had together. We always understood she would most likely go first and the last two years we had a lot of those heart to heart talks.

So even though we prepare for the inevitable as in your case and mine. It still hurts like hell when they go. It's been almost a year but there are still times a lot of memories flood my head and I get lost in thought. It's ok when it does happen as a vast majority of them are happy and pleasurable. The house is still filled with a lot of things that were Gina's that I don't use or have a need for as I haven't had it in me yet to get them to places they could be used. The only things I have gotten out of the house that belonged to Gina were her cloths and shoes. I sort of been holding off until I had more healing under my belt. It wasn't until just this last month I took of my wedding band and placed it in her jewelry box with hers.

KIM61

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #166 on: March 11, 2018, 11:07:59 AM »
Hi JustMark
You are right no matter of the time it is still a shock when the time comes.  I think the healing has to come on its own no matter how long.  I don't feel any hurry and I just keep going one day at a time. Will have you in my prayers as you approach one year. Hope you have a peaceful time and enjoy many good memories. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience.

Sandy W

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #167 on: April 17, 2018, 08:43:55 AM »
This is my first time on here.  I lost my husband of 41 years 2 years ago this May 1.  I would like to hear from others in this similar situation and how they are coping.  thanks  sandy

Veronica1992

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 20
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #168 on: April 28, 2018, 05:14:04 PM »
Hi. I'm Veronica. Over the past 2 years, I lost a few close people. I accidentally stumbled upon this forum and began to read other people's stories, it's a little distracting. While I'm not ready to write about myself, so as not to aggravate my condition. But I will be glad to help others.

hearyou

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #169 on: April 29, 2018, 04:50:02 PM »
My husband died March 2016,he had been sick with cancer which we had beat. Was COPD that took him. Married for 36 years. It is hard to see the happiness in life when your everything dies. I have had to get a full time job which is probably a blessing and seems as though life is just mundane now.I try and see the positive in everything and have taught myself to not think negatively. I have learned how to not think. Just do things there is no real happiness in life anymore but i pretend there is to others. Everyone thinks i have done Exceptionally well . Inside me there isn't much going on though. I am just doing my time. I do find some things amusing though and am grateful for my memories as it is all i have now and again am grateful for those too.Guess life is just for work now. ( Hugs)Everyone.

Veronica1992

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 20
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #170 on: April 29, 2018, 07:57:35 PM »
hearyou, The work is really very distracting. But you need to rest, too. Take care of yourself. I hope you get better with time.

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5924
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #171 on: May 01, 2018, 05:48:07 PM »
My husband died March 2016,he had been sick with cancer which we had beat. Was COPD that took him. Married for 36 years. It is hard to see the happiness in life when your everything dies. I have had to get a full time job which is probably a blessing and seems as though life is just mundane now.I try and see the positive in everything and have taught myself to not think negatively. I have learned how to not think. Just do things there is no real happiness in life anymore but i pretend there is to others. Everyone thinks i have done Exceptionally well . Inside me there isn't much going on though. I am just doing my time. I do find some things amusing though and am grateful for my memories as it is all i have now and again am grateful for those too.Guess life is just for work now. ( Hugs)Everyone.

((((hearyou))))

I'm so sorry for the great loss of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing.

Love,
Terry

robn375

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #172 on: May 09, 2018, 09:53:34 AM »
Thank you for sharing.  Your words are what I have to say about Debby. It helps me to know that I am not in this alone but I would never wish this grief.   on anyone.  I wish you love and peace now and days to come.   

JustMark

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #173 on: May 11, 2018, 02:54:18 AM »
Hi robn375, welcome to webhealing. In dealing with my loss I have found this site helpful. None of us are experts on greif but we share things that have helped with others and get advice from others as well. So don't be afraid of talking about something that bothers you. We are about as non judgemental as they come.

DontStopBelieving

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #174 on: June 18, 2018, 02:16:42 PM »


I lost my husband of 9 years to complications of NASH on June 14th, 2018. I miss him so much. It's been 4 days and I've never felt more alone. Casey was a kind man that never met a stranger. He could walk up and talk to anyone. He taught me to be strong and always be kind. He is missed so much and forever in my heart.

JustMark

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #175 on: June 20, 2018, 07:14:32 PM »
Hi DontStopBelieving, I'm sorry for your loss. it was just a little over a year ago I lost wife of almost 9 years. We had helped each other with dealing with our disabilities but hers were life ending and mine are life changing. I learned in dealing with the grief it's not necessarily the length of time we were together that determines the extent of our grief but the amount of commitment we had with our spouses during the marriage that seems to determine the severity of our grief. At first everything seems surreal and you wonder if your going to adjust and how? Even now for me a little more then a year later I can have motivation problems in doing some things for myself, as it's only me and my dogs. I have found my dogs to be real comforting and I have picked up playing guitar.
 
What motivated me to do it was there was a short time when Gina and I first started out I played bass in the church's music ministry and Gina loved my playing. A couple of times when we were home she would like me playing a few classical guitar pieces that I had remembered from more then 30 years ago. She knew I used to be a professional bass player in rock bands in my late teens and early 20's and basically stopped playing when I went into the army. Gina asked me one time why I never played lead and I told her I never took the time to learn as I had never owned an electric 6 string. My kids were grown and she knew that at some point in the future I planned return to playing music when I retired to keep me busy. We didn't know at the time that a few years down the road I would be disabled too.  I had started rehabbing our home to accommodate both her and my disabilities and for Christmas 2014 she bought me a Fender Telecaster and told me it was time to learn to play leads. I played it for a little bit, about a month or so and then put it into storage until the rehab and construction work was done. Anyway late last April or early May after she passed, the work still was not finished on the house but I dug out that Telecaster guitar and started taking lessons as I was going to keep my promise to her. So now I get comfort in my guitar too. There are times that I am playing that I get a sense or feeling Gina's spirit is stopping into listen and check on me.

So DontStop I know the grief is real hard right now and the wound is still very fresh in your mind but I would suggest to keep in the back of your mind for later you find something to help keep you somewhat busy and your mind occupied. If you are anything like me right now your reviewing the years you were together and the memories may drive you nuts. Perhaps you are dealing with the what if's and what could have been's and dealing with a flood of emotions and memories. Anyway, keep in the back of your mind if you can find some sort of hobby or start doing something different it will help keep you occupied and deal with some of those feelings as well as channel some of your efforts. You have plenty of time to start it anytime but you may find it may also help you in sorting things out and coming to terms with the loss of your husband and there is no need to rush into anything. Just keep the idea in the back of your mind as a suggestion. Right now whether you want to or not make sure you are taking care of yourself and don't just sit around and mope. Make sure you are eating everyday and you are not getting dehydrated. Also pick up some vitamins. The first week or two after Gina passed I barely ate anything but I did start getting an appetite back but I wasn't used to cooking for myself. I was used to cooking for Gina but I am just now starting to do a little cooking but at times I still have problems motivating myself to cook something for myself everyday.  As time goes on you will find things easier to do.

I also found it very helpful in coming in here and helping others and elsewhere too. I don't come in here as often as I used to but as you see I still do.  None of us in here are professional trained for this and we are not experts or employees but all of us that come here all we do is let people know what worked for us or mention something that is on our mind. We give help and advice as well as ask for help and advice and none of us are judgemental. All we ask is to remember that some issues can be more sensitive to others then to us but we also learn sometimes the best help is just opening up.

LarryR

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #176 on: August 09, 2018, 10:59:44 PM »
Hello everyone. I am LarryR and have been skimming over this forum wondering if there was anything here for me. On June 15 of this year, I returned home from a nightshift and found that my wife, best friend, soulmate and guiding light of 33 years had died in the night of heart failure. The details probably aren't all that important for now but she had not been well for awhile, yet there was no indication from her recent tests that this was even a remote possibility. Guilt set in immediately; at not being there with her when she died, at not making her go to her doctor and maybe catch what it was that brought about the heart failure.
As I waited for paramedics to arrive I did CPR but I knew it was too late. I still feel and hear her ribs breaking under the first compression. I don't dream about it or go 'back to the moment' as in the disassociative aspects of PTSD, but random sights, smells, touches bring it all back. I suppose that will never go away.
I have witnessed horrendous things in my life, but nothing comes close to this.
I returned to work after two weeks of basically living like a hermit on my rural place, secluded and lost in my own grief and trauma. My job can be stressful and dangerous at times and I returned when I felt I was ready and focused enough not to put myself or my co-workers in danger. I needed something else to distract me from my horrible sense of loss and the physical feeling of emptiness. I can maintain my 'work face' at work but find it mentally draining by the time days off come up.
There are bad days, worse days, and the odd random 'OK' day here and there, but there's always an ongoing sadness all the time. A few co-workers have been very supportive and understanding but they are all young and busy with their own lives and I can't burden them with my own problems. I have no  family other than our son who lives 10 hours away, and no close friends to lean on. My wife and I were not religious but she did have a particular form of spirituality that I am embracing and learning more about but it doesn't really seem to help.
So on my days off from work I just putter around aimlessly and I find myself doing uncharacteristically strange - but harmless - things. My wife's last little messes and piles of stuff are still around; her projects, her stuff on her living room table and in her home office, even her laundry is still piled up and her last shopping list is on the fridge door. I can't bring myself to move them yet I fall to pieces when I look at them.
Sometimes I can be OK, but then it all seems to build up and I'll have wave after wave of crying fits one after the other.
I don't think time heals anything but I just want this to stop. She wouldn't want me to be sad and unhappy but I can't imagine being anything else ever again,
other than lonely and sad.

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5924
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #177 on: August 14, 2018, 10:00:31 AM »
Larry,

I'm sorry to learn of the death of your precious wife. Welcome to Webhealing.

Certainly can understand just 'going through the motions' of life, wearing that mask as we all have been there. It's not even two months yet so understandably the sadness is a heavy burden. We love for most of our lives so we can't expect to not feel that deep pain of loss when our loved one is no longer here. It does take time. You have my heart.

Hugs,
Terry

JustMark

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #178 on: August 14, 2018, 05:43:43 PM »
Ho LarryR, I'm sorry for your loss. Last year my wife Gina passed from a heart attack while I was at home in the other room and the way I found her I don't get the impression she made efforts to to reach or cry for help. The dogs who were highly trained to help us weren't even disturbed and when I got to Gina I knew it was too late too. The grieving process is a long and slow process and yes wounds do heal over time if we let them. I too have witnessed horrendous things and carry PTSD. At first I kept myself busy which help to keep me distracted and occupied. It did seem to help but what I found most helpful was coming here and trying to help others and later I picked up guitar that I hadn't played since my teenage years and found that helpful for me too. I hope as time passes by over the next few months that you begin to see that even if you were home when it happened does not mean the heart attach would have been stopped or prevented. I know that feeling of guilt because in my case I was just in the other room and didn't even know it or heard any sound. As time passed for me I could sense Gina around and checking on me and later realized the biggest step for me was forgiving myself because I didn't do anything wrong.

Flowermama

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Love is the answer. What's the question?
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #179 on: August 16, 2018, 06:35:01 AM »
Hi all. I'm Sheila and my husband is Mike.... was. God that's still so hard to say. He passed away January 27th 2018. His passing was caused by a toxic mix of medications. He struggled with dementia for the last 5 years and the doctor thinks he took two days worth of medications and it caused his death. I blame myself for not taking him to the hospital that night. He was acting so lethargic but, he'd been that way a lot and the doctor said it was because of the dementia. Sundowning they called it. I thought, briefly, about calling an ambulance that night but he said no. He just wanted to go to sleep so I put him in bed and laid with him. We both fell asleep so fast. The last thing I said to him was "I love you baby. Sweet dreams" He answered "Till I see you again, my love" I never imagined that three hours later I would be awakened by his dogs keening howl. She was laying with her head on his chest just howling horribly. I knew he was gone.... It's been 202 days. When will this god awful pain stop? I swear it's getting worse every day. Today I'm having trouble breathing because the grief is so heavy on my heart. How am I supposed to raise our 15 year old by myself? SO MUCH PAIN :(
Twice a widow. It's harder the second time around the block~