Thank you for your responses. I appreciate it. I finally went to a counseling session yesterday. I have issues with most counselors because I can't always find the right fit and that is exhausting and I in the past when I have gone to them they have been so cookie cutter and by the book I feel like I could have gotten a "counseling for dummies" manual and counseled myself. But, I liked this person and maybe because she is with hospice and she knows her stuff and its a free service so she is not there to make money from me or impress me. So, that was helpful and I will elaborate at another time. Just another step in this insane, unfair process.
Anyway the short history of what happened to us is this- We had taken a family trip over Christmas-12.18.16 came home-12.26.16 and celebrated Xmas and New Years on the same day 12.31.16. Five days later, 1.5.2017, I went upstairs to go to bed around 11:30pm and I looked at Jim, my husband, laying in bed, but sitting up slightly as he does every night, while reading until he falls asleep. He looked exactly the same as always, except not, and I knew something was wrong. Long story short for now- i shook him and called out to him-call 911, got my kids up to help me get him to the floor and started CPR to no avail. I didn't know he was already dead. Yes, there was a odd look to his skin around his ears and mouth, but he made a noise when I shook him. His body felt warm and soft when I touched him. I didn't know that what I described at a rash was blood that had pooled and I didn't notice if he has pee'd himself or not. Maybe part of did know, but the part that wanted him to answer me and reach out to me, didn't know. When my daughter started compression and I tried to breathe for him, there was a smell that I knew was not right- metallic like and when I breathed into him it gurgled and his mouth was open unnaturally so it was hard to create a perfect seal. These are the weird details I remember and I focus on and they go round and round in my head. We kept up the CPR until the police arrived and he took over compression and I was at Jim's head imploring a dead man to live. I think I knew then because I remember looking at him and thinking if you are going to be a vegetable don't hang on (and I felt so guilty for that - still do- but it was thought only because I know him and that would have been a sentence worse than death). I remember his eyes being half open and his hand flopping around with each compression and again I knew deep down he was gone. The EMS arrived and I kept telling them their was something in his throat impeding air - blood-- it was blood -his lungs were filled with blood for no clear reason which was terrifying and shocking. My daughter turned me away - took me to the bathroom- put shoes on my feet. She made my son stay out the room for the most part- She said I needed to be dressed to go to the hospital and she would pick up my other daughter and meet us there. She didn't want me to see them siphoning blood from his body out of his mouth. And then we were taken from the room and asked all sorts of questions about his health and any pills he was on or did he drink or take drugs etc. They had us go down stairs, and I guess I was in shock because I went - even though now I wonder why- I should have stayed with him every second- dead or not. They had us fill out all this paperwork about what happened from the second he came home that day to now. It kept me busy and in retrospect I now know they were probably following protocol and making sure I didn't slip poison in his food or something. Anyway, at some point someone came for me. The cop maybe. I have a memory of kinda floating up the stairs to meet him halfway and heard him give me his condolences of my dead husband. I think I floated back down and quite honestly don't recall what I said or did with my kids. My 19 year old had come home in the midst of this nightmare while they were working on him. I remember seeing her face and the confusion and fear. My six year old slept through it all thankfully, but then when every one except the cop was gone and we were waiting for the coroner to come, she woke- I had to run upstairs and make sure she didn't wander into my room. My kids had called his brother, also a cop and he came over. We sat in the living room waiting and I wanted to go to Jim in my room because I kept thinking he was all alone up there. But I was so terrified to do it and to this day I regret that. I can't believe I didn't go up there and wait with him for the grim reaper to come take his body from me. My brother in law said he wanted to go as well but his feet wouldn't move. I remember asking him to go with me at one point, but I don't think he answered me. So, the funeral home people came after the county coroner left and said he had a heart attack (which I knew was BS-but again another story)- my brother in law left- and there we sat- me, my babies, my daughters boyfriend. We just sat there not knowing what to do. Sleep? yeah ok. Well, my son fell asleep and my daughter and I lay down near him and tried to sleep. I got up and down constantly- finally calling people that didn't answer at 3am. And I started writing to Jim. That was day one of the rest of my life without him. Thirty years of knowing him, loving him, and the ups and downs and ins and outs. Raising four kids and running a company together - 58 years old- Marine Corp Officer- healthy and I had just turned 50- widow . NEVER in my life imagined that would be what I am- not even now can I call myself that. It is what you call old people in my mind.
