Author Topic: Introductions thread  (Read 45910 times)

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #135 on: April 16, 2017, 11:37:39 PM »
Terry, we don't loose them, we take time to reflect and remember the love and positive impact they had on our lives so we in turn can pass it on and share it with our kids and others down the road. By doing so it helps insure what we learned from them isn't gone forever but actually grows and continues impacting others. I do not know of any better way to honor or commemorate them.

In my daughter Dawn I see my mother and my grandmother and Dawn never met my grandmother. Every now and then I catch my mom calling Bob and that was my dad.
Speaking of my dad as at times I still deal with him moving on in 2001. Maybe I'll start a thread or two about him. His Angel date is and August 29th 2001 two days before his birth date August 31st 1926. We buried him on his 75 birthday. I learned a lot from him. He was raised in the depression and fought in 3 wars, WW2, Korea and Vietnam.  One thing that is so special about me and my dad, unlike my mom and 2 brothers there are things my dad only shared with me and things I only shared with him. You see for people like me and him there are things vets would only share with other vets because they understand. So me and my dad were very very close perhaps that's why I still deal with his death at times even to this day. Right now I'm in uncharted territory as my mom is still alive but I am the first of the sons to loose a wife and Gina was able to help me with my dad because she also lost hers.



Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #136 on: April 18, 2017, 02:11:39 PM »
Mark,
I posted your Dad's dates. Thanks for sharing them.
:icon_flower:
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

kim.knight66

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #137 on: June 21, 2017, 09:01:55 AM »
Hello.  I am going to be brief here because I am not sure I am even doing this correctly.  My husband, whom I have known about 30 years and been married to 22.5 years, died this year 1.5.2017- totally unexpectedly. I am trying to find a way to deal with my grief - anger- confusion- disbelief - while continuing to live and raise our four kids and run our business.  There are so many things I don't know about this - other than it is a constant up and down and although friends and family are there for me and my kids- no one knows what to say or how to talk to me.  So, I am hoping to find some way of communicating with others who might be able to relate or tell me - no your not nuts or yes you are nuts.  Thank you.  Kim

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #138 on: June 21, 2017, 10:56:56 PM »
Hi Kim, I'm not sure there is a wrong way or a right way or a way of doing things correctly here. Some of us just say what is on our mind or talks about what they are experiencing or going through and someone will typically respond and share their experiences, advice of what worked for them or perhaps share some insight. I think the only one that comes here with any sort of professional experience is Terry. I could also be wrong as I really haven't inquired about her background and she may have just come here to get support for herself some time ago and was asked to be moderator or something like that. Trust me when I say this I have absolutely no doubts I can be wrong at times. The rest of us are either going through or have already been through what you have dealt with or will be in your loss or. So we all respect and try to help each other and truly understand the hurt, devastation and loss one can experience.  When I first came here I wasn't going to open up or let my hair down but I seen where others did get help that opened up. So I followed their example and I also learned a long time ago I have to be honest with myself as well as others or no healing can take place. I also learned it's ok to say when I hurt in here. From what I have seen of the various conversations in here I haven't seen anyone being judgemental either. This is the first time I have ever spoken to you and I believe you can see by the way I am expressing myself and being honest when I say I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I do understand.

I can also relate to operating a business. That is what Gina, my wife and I were doing at one point. I'll soon be reopening it in honor of Gina after I get more of the rehab and work done at my house. I'm also pulling an engineering company out of storage that put in mothballs back in 2005 to get help for the sever onset of my disabilities at the VA. Her and I both are disabled and deep down inside we both understood she would go first. We both didn't realize it would be this soon. Just this last week would have been our 8th wedding anniversary and it was also the 3 month anniversary of her passing was only three days after our anniversary but I don't feel sorry. I sense her at times and weird things do take place at my house now I can't explain. Even with my engineering knowledge.

I promised Terry earlier that for my and Gina's anniversary I would post how I came to propose and marry Gina and I will in another thread tonight or first thing tomorrow so keep your eyes open for it if you are curious. I'm a man of my word and I will be posting that in the thread "been a month". I'm tracking my progress there as I go through this. Last week my brother and sister in law wanted me to come to Richmond to their house to get away from home last week. But you read what I post and you will see why I don't feel sorry about Gina passing. Don't get me wrong I do hurt very terribly and miss her very much but I don't feel sorry for myself for what I am going through. You see I know one day I will be joining her. I don't know when it will be but it will happen.

She heard all about my dad from me and my brothers and she always said she wished she had met him. Well she has met him now and right now she is playing with PJ. Her son Peter James. I haven't met him. Let her go ahead and take her time and play with him. While I have been typing I sensed she was around and a song that was one of our favorites began playing while I have been typing and it hasn't played on the radio in years. The song is called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz listen to it or pull it up on you tube and listen to it Kim. The last couple of years I was walking her home. If you listen to that song and understood what our last few years were together you will understand that. Gina always said she had felt guilty not giving me a son. I'm not sure if she is watching right now or will read what I say later but I still sense her presence. It's ok Gina, you did give me a son. You made me PJ's step dad so you take your time and play with PJ. Tell PJ about his step dad and let him know. I may be taking my time but one day I am still coming home. All Gina has done is move to a different plane of existence and she doesn't hurt anymore. Needless to say I mentioned weird stuff happening around here now. So how in the heck did the radio station station know to play that song just a few moments after I remembered I promised Terry to post how I managed to propose to Gina and almost married her in the hospital in 2009. With this kind of stuff happening I don't doubt she read or will read what I just posted and I'm just as logical as the next person the only difference is I have seen or experienced enough evidence others haven't.

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #139 on: June 23, 2017, 08:24:11 AM »

Hi Kim,

I'm so sorry to read of the death of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing. :love9: Our newest members are Mark and Raven. You'll see their posts below.

Post as little or as much as you feel up to posting, someone is always reading. Grief can be very confusing and also, overwhelming. One day, hour, minute at a time and sometimes a second at a time is how we work through this and in our own time. Learning and accepting that we have to live without someone we loved so dearly is work. And, although it may feel like it at times....I don't believe you are nuts or anywhere close to it. Pain roars and it stings and can cause us to ride the 'ocean of emotions' wave.

We're here for you. If there is anything I can do for you, just message me or post it here on the board.

Love,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

kim.knight66

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #140 on: July 08, 2017, 12:00:10 PM »
Thank you for your responses.  I appreciate it.  I finally went to a counseling session yesterday.  I have issues with most counselors because I can't always find the right fit and that is exhausting and I in the past when I have gone to them they have been so cookie cutter and by the book I feel like I could have gotten a "counseling for dummies" manual and counseled myself. But, I liked this person and maybe because she is with hospice and she knows her stuff and its a free service so she is not there to make money from me or impress me.  So, that was helpful and I will elaborate at another time.  Just another step in this insane, unfair process. 

 Anyway the short history of what happened to us is this- We had taken a family trip over Christmas-12.18.16 came home-12.26.16 and celebrated Xmas and New Years on the same day 12.31.16.  Five days later, 1.5.2017, I went upstairs to go to bed around 11:30pm and I looked at Jim, my husband, laying in bed, but sitting up slightly as he does every night, while reading until he falls asleep.  He looked exactly the same as always, except not, and I knew something was wrong.  Long story short for now- i shook him and called out to him-call 911, got my kids up to help me get him to the floor and started CPR to no avail. I didn't know he was already dead.  Yes, there was a odd look to his skin around his ears and mouth, but he made a noise when I shook him.  His body felt warm and soft when I touched him.  I didn't know that what I described at a rash was blood that had pooled and I didn't notice if he has pee'd himself or not.  Maybe part of did know, but the part that wanted him to answer me and reach out to me, didn't know.  When my daughter started compression and I tried to breathe for him, there was a smell that I knew was not right- metallic like and when I breathed into him it gurgled and his mouth was open unnaturally so it was hard to create a perfect seal.  These are the weird details I remember and I focus on and they go round and round in my head.  We kept up the CPR until the police arrived and he took over compression and I was at Jim's head imploring a dead man to live.  I think I knew then because I remember looking at him and thinking if you are going to be a vegetable don't hang on (and I felt so guilty for that - still do- but it was thought only because I know him and that would have been a sentence worse than death).  I remember his eyes being half open and his hand flopping around with each compression and again I knew deep down he was gone. The EMS arrived and I kept telling them their was something in his throat impeding air - blood-- it was blood -his lungs were filled with blood for no clear reason which was terrifying and shocking. My daughter turned me away - took me to the bathroom- put shoes on my feet.  She made my son stay out the room for the most part- She said I needed to be dressed to go to the hospital and she would pick up my other daughter and meet us there.  She didn't want me to see them siphoning blood from his body out of his mouth.  And then we were taken from the room and asked all sorts of questions about his health and any pills he was on or did he drink or take drugs etc.  They had us go down stairs, and I guess I was in shock because I went - even though now I wonder why- I should have stayed with him every second- dead or not.  They had us fill out all this paperwork about what happened from the second he came home that day to now.  It kept me busy and in retrospect I now know they were probably following protocol and making sure I didn't slip poison in his food or something.  Anyway, at some point someone came for me.  The cop maybe.  I have a memory of kinda floating up the stairs to meet him halfway and heard him give me his condolences of my dead husband.  I think I floated back down and quite honestly don't recall what I said or did with my kids.  My 19 year old had come home in the midst of this nightmare while they were working on him.  I remember seeing her face and the confusion and fear.  My six year old slept through it all thankfully, but then when every one except the cop was gone and we were waiting for the coroner to come, she woke- I had to run upstairs and make sure she didn't wander into my room.  My kids had called his brother, also a cop and he came over. We sat in the living room waiting and I wanted to go to Jim in my room because I kept thinking he was all alone up there.  But I was so terrified to do it and to this day I regret that.  I can't believe I didn't go up there and wait with him for the grim reaper to come take his body from me.  My brother in law said he wanted to go as well but his feet wouldn't move.  I remember asking him to go with me at one point, but I don't think he answered me.  So, the funeral home people came after the county coroner left and said he had a heart attack (which I knew was BS-but again another story)- my brother in law left- and there we sat- me, my babies, my daughters boyfriend.  We just sat there not knowing what to do.  Sleep?  yeah ok.  Well, my son fell asleep and my daughter and I lay down near him and tried to sleep.  I got up and down constantly- finally calling people that didn't answer at 3am.  And I started writing to Jim.  That was day one of the rest of my life without him.   Thirty years of knowing him, loving him, and the ups and downs and ins and outs.  Raising four kids and running a company together - 58 years old- Marine Corp Officer- healthy and I had just turned 50- widow .  NEVER in my life imagined that would be what I am- not even now can I call myself that.  It is what you call old people in my mind. 

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #141 on: July 08, 2017, 07:29:27 PM »
Hi Kim, yes it is an odd feeling while the police are there not letting one be in the same room with their deceased partner. In my case I went through the same thing. I found Gina and thought she had fallen out of bed but as soon as I touched her she was ice cold and knew it was too late. I checked respiration there wasn't any then got her up into somewhat of sitting position with me hugging her from behind and I put my hand over her heart and didn't feel a beat. I called the paramedics and then just held her and cried til the paramedics arrived. The police explained it was their protocol to treat the area as a crime scene until medical examiner arrived. So I sat in the office giving all the info I could like Dr numbers, info on her medications and such. The cops know me because some of the things Gina and I did was get disabled people plugged into support and with the nonprofit and charity was sometimes police referral because Gina used sign language and could interpret for the deaf. That Gina and I have always been kind and warm hearted  people and well known in the disabled community. They knew I wouldn't harm Gina but they had to do their job. I understood that. They also know I'm a disabled vet and several of them Gina and I trained in how to deal with people that have service dogs. So we weren't exactly strangers to some of the officers. They were worried about me to. They told me they also couldn't leave until family got to the house. They got their chaplain there asap for me as well. At first I thought it may have been an accidental over dose but in talking to the ME and police it was ruled out because she had been on the same meds for years and they way they were administered hadn't changed either. Gina wasn't known for abusing her meds either. They ruled it a heart attack.

No I haven't posted the story of how I proposed and got married to Gina like I said I would. I'm trying to find the right words to explain things and trying to get it shorter then 5 pages. I'm still not used to checking of the blocks widow / widower on form yet either. I guess I will one day. I'm still wearing my wedding bands.