Thank you Terry. It has been a long journey. It is good to be able to talk to someone that KNOWS what this feels like. My father died with lung and liver cancer 12 days after he was diagnosed. It was thee most hardest thing I have ever watched, to see my father a man I thought was invincable succumb and die so quickly. He was a big man, physically and spiritually. He and my mother were married 57 years and they raised 6 children. Then my mother, she survived him only by a few months, she was my best friend. Mom also had lung cancer. After they passed, both in the only home I had known as a child, my husband Doug and I bought a small farm 200 miles from that home place. We had worked very hard for it, and were proud to achieve our dream. We paid cash for it, Doug gave his company to the oldest boy and retired at 45. This was celebrated with us by so many people.
Less than 90 days after we bought and moved to our little farm, 8 months after my mother died, my hero, the love of my life, the man that loved and raised my boys as his own since they were babies, my 45 year old husband dropped over dead with a heart attack. He died in my arms. His heart just exploded. We were married 17 years. He was a veteran and at his service he was given full military honors. I still can hear those 21 guns, I still can hear Taps on those bagpipes, I can still see the light leaving his eyes. I knew not a soul in our new place, more than 3 hours from my children, grandchildren and brothers. After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day. A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry". I recall thinking, no way, not my family.
My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn. This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply. It has changed my relationship with my boys. They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that? I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man. I believe that death alienates us in and of itself. Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here. It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen. Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone. That is why I cry so . . .