Author Topic: Introductions thread  (Read 49397 times)

DaveB

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #30 on: December 20, 2010, 09:50:24 PM »
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

SarahW

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #31 on: December 21, 2010, 06:19:37 AM »
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

Hi, Dave -

I lost my husband years ago, but I remember well the feeling - be good to yourself, let yourself grieve, and come here anytime you need to "write it out."

I am here due to my son's recent death - when my husband died, there was no webhealing.com - but loss is loss, and we all know how it feels to suffer this sort of devastating loss.  You can never really "be ready."

Your wife sounds very special.  I am sorry for your loss, but glad to know that you had such a wonderful love in your life.

Time will help take the edge off - all my best to you and yours for a rewarding holiday season.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

browneyedgirl

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #32 on: December 21, 2010, 09:27:20 AM »
Hi Dave ~

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.

Welcome to Webhealing, there are many people here who are here to listen and understand what you're going though.  I am sorry you have to be here with us. 

I am glad to read that writing here has helped you some.  You're very early in your greif, be patient with yourself.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jcohenx

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2010, 08:49:01 AM »
Hi, I'm David, aged 54, just lost my wife of 26 years on Dec. 3.

She had a double-lung transplant in 2001, so we both knew this would be coming sooner rather than later (survival rate is just 50% at 5 years, she went over 9 years). Although we didn't really talk in detail about her probable early death, I figured I was more prepared than most people for this.

I wasn't.

This has hit me very hard. I'm having a tough time dealing with it. Thankfully I have my son who still lives at home...he's been a lifesaver to have around (I hope he finds comfort in having me around too). But he has his own circle of friends, and now he's starting to go out more, which means I spend more time alone at home. That's the worst...sitting around home by myself with nothing to do. I have to say that I cry every day (in a safe place...I'm the man, ya know). I still can't believe she's really gone. I spent half my life with this courageous, beautiful woman. I took care of her when she was sick. Now I have nothing to do.

Today I started back to work for the first time since she passed, thinking it would distract me. It didn't. I may have to take some more time off. After work today, I drove to the county park and took a long, solitary walk. That helped a little, and I may do that some more. And actually, after finding this board, just composing this note has helped keep me keep focused on something. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm going crazy.

DaveB

Hi Dave;

So sorry to hear about your wife.  Reading your story sounds a lot like my own.  My wife also died from lung problems about 2 months ago, we were married for 15 but together for 25 years.  I also knew that her lung condition would eventually kill her but I had no idea how bad I would feel when the end finally came.  Did your wife have CF or maybe bronchiectasis?  If so, I can recommend a great site for you.

I also started back to work within 2 weeks of her memorial.  This may have been a mistake in my case.  I clearly was not bringing my A-game (still not really there) and all my co-workers were understandably circumspect.  I tried to focus on little tasks, stay a moving target.  This worked for me for a while but eventually I ran out of momentum and all those feelings I'd been avoiding came flooding back like a tidal wave.  Don't let yourself become a workaholic.  By that I mean don't bury yourself in work as an excuse not to explore how you are feeling.

  Crying everyday is not uncommon and you need to get it out of your system.  I wish that I could tell you that I don't still cry a lot but it's not true.  My meltdowns don't come on a schedule or for any fixed duration of time.  If you feel yourself start to spiral down when at work then you need to take the time off, even if it's just for an hour or two.  Hopefully your work will understand.  On the flip side, if people at work are trying to get you to open up and it makes you uncomfortable then say so.  Just be polite and say, "Let's not do this now."
 
  If you feel like you are going crazy it's because grief like this is a little like going crazy.  I definitely have times when I feel like very neuron in my brain is misfiring.  I walk in circles and talk to myself daily.  It's hard to eat and to sleep and at home I have a type of bone crushing, all-encompassing loneliness that threatens to engulf me entirely.  I wish I could tell you that it's going to get better soon but that would be lying.  All I can tell you is that I've been there, I'm still hurting really badly 2 months later, but I'm still here.

  Keep in touch.

jc

DaveB

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #34 on: December 23, 2010, 11:23:34 AM »
Thanks jc (and others who responded).

Yeah, it sounds like we're in very similar situations...I'm just behind you by a couple of months.

My wife had Bronchiolitis obliterans, which led to her transplant, but they don't know what caused it. She lived with it for a number of years before transplant, waited 2 years for the transplant, then lasted 9.5 years after transplant. Now it seems like those years have gone by in a flash. She was pretty active after her transplant, and we did lots of fun things, so I have no regrets about that. I just wanted it to last another 9.5 years (and then another...). Seems unfair that she had to go so early, but that's just Gods plan for her.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't descend into almost paralyzing despair. There was a John Wayne marathon on the tv, I think that helped keep me occupied. I haven't tried going back to work after my initial attempt on Monday, but my company has been really good about letting me take whatever time I need. When I do go back, there will be lots of traveling...don't know how I'll do with that. In the past, I used to worry every day about how my wife was doing back home.

I know what you mean about walking in circles. Most of the time I feel like a zombie. I'll get up right in the middle of something (eating or writing a letter) and wander into another room or the garage, then wonder what I'm doing there.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your wife too. Keep hanging in there. Christmas is upon us, and I'm not looking forward to it. There's going to be reminders of her everywhere, and I'm not sure how I'll react. Afterwords I think I'll take a road trip somewhere.

Dave

johnkmurray

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #35 on: December 24, 2010, 12:02:00 PM »
Dave,

I'm truly sorry for you on your loss. I lost my wife to cancer last April and all I can say about life as a widower is this: it sucks. The mind numbing sorrow, the zombie-like feelings, the crushing grief, all that is part of getting through this. Christmas is like rubbing salt into open wounds, yet at the same time is part of the healing process. I wish I could say that it will get better for you soon (and it may) but for me that has not yet happened. Too many 'firsts' since losing Kit.

What I can offer as hope is that here you will find kindred souls, people with whom you can safely share your feelings and who will be here to help you through the healing process.

Hang in there brother,
John

DaveB

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #36 on: January 05, 2011, 03:26:02 PM »
Thanks John, sorry I took so long to reply.

I've re-read you post many times. I really am experiencing what you describe. Only, I'd say it's gotten worse. I can barely stumble through a day, it seems. I finally did start back to work this past Monday, but my heart isn't in it.

I'd say the most helpful thing for me so far, is the journal I've been writing. But even at that, I find myself asking questions that will never be answered, agonizing over past events (even before we were married) that were painful to us both, but we managed to push past and bury, while building a loving, happy life together. There will never be resolution to these issues, unless I allow it. And right now my grief-sick brain won't allow it, for some reason. It's enough to make one crazy.

So, I'm hanging in there...but barely.

Dave

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #37 on: January 07, 2011, 02:47:45 AM »
Dave,

I'm so sorry about your wife and I'd like to Welcome you to Webhealing. Your loss is so recent and there really isn't any way to prepare for their death, regardless of how long we knew of the severity of their health problems. I've been there more than once and I understand. It's very difficult trying to find our way after such a devastating loss.

I started a journal early in my grief with all of my losses and filled a room with writing tablets, I had so many feelings. It's not always easy and at times it's very difficult to write things down that we barely want to remember but it's a lifeline and I hope you stick with it!!

You're dealing with a lot of 'first's' and just know you have my heart and my understanding. You're not alone.

((((((((((((Dave))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

ManyTears

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #38 on: January 14, 2011, 10:14:25 AM »
Hi.  I am new.  New to the site, but not new to grief. Inside of 14 months I lost my father, mother and husband. It has been almost 5 years since my hero died.  I have had such a difficult time finding solace, trying to heal, trying to live. Time seems to stand still. 
My son suggested finding an online support group, I am amazed at the compassion I see shared here. I was 43 when he passed, and wrote a song I titled Only Another Widow Knows.  You have made the words to that song so true. I want to say thank you for being here. I am too young to feel this old, some days are diamonds, most days are just plain stones. But I keep going. I carry a burden of so many unanswered questions, and often now no one seems to truly understand why I still cry. That is why I am here.  To introduce myself,
ManyTears

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #39 on: January 14, 2011, 10:36:53 AM »
Hi Dave
I'm new too. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I know what you mean about distractions, they do help a little. It sounds like your wife was very brave and courageous.  And I know it is hard to find that in yourself, especially now, so early.  Take things one day at a time, even moment by moment if needs be.  That depair you talked about, it is like a wave of the ocean that washes over you sometimes, try to let it come and while you are in it, know that just like an ocean wave it will subside. 

Know that many people, I am learning from this site, can truly understand and know what you are feeling.  Perhaps there really is strength in numbers.

ManyTears

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #40 on: January 14, 2011, 10:45:25 AM »

Hi, and I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing. I'm sorry to hear of so many great losses and you truly have my heart.
As you have already read, all here have experienced great loss and there is love and compassion to be found in the wonderful hearts here at Webhealing. We're a family in so many ways and I am very grateful for the support and the caring that is so evident in others words when reaching out.

Please tell us more about your precious family when you are able. There is always someone here to listen. If you should need any help with posting pictures or with any other part of these boards, just let me know. I'll be happy to help!
  I have had such a difficult time finding solace, trying to heal, trying to live. Time seems to stand still. 
My son suggested finding an online support group, I am amazed at the compassion I see shared here. I was 43 when he passed, and wrote a song I titled Only Another Widow Knows.  You have made the words to that song so true. I want to say thank you for being here. I am too young to feel this old, some days are diamonds, most days are just plain stones. But I keep going. I carry a burden of so many unanswered questions, and often now no one seems to truly understand why I still cry. That is why I am here.  To introduce myself,
ManyTears

((((((((((((((((((ManyTears)))))))))))))))

My Love,
Tery

ManyTears

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #41 on: January 15, 2011, 06:57:47 AM »
Thank you Terry. It has been a long journey. It is good to be able to talk to someone that KNOWS what this feels like.  My father died with lung and liver cancer 12 days after he was diagnosed. It was thee most hardest thing I have ever watched,  to see my father a man I thought was invincable succumb and die so quickly. He was a big man, physically and spiritually.  He and my mother were married 57 years and they raised 6 children. Then my mother, she survived him only by a few months, she was my best friend. Mom also had lung cancer. After they passed, both in the only home I had known as a child,  my husband Doug and I bought a small farm 200 miles from that home place.  We had worked very hard for it, and were proud to achieve our dream.  We paid cash for it, Doug gave his company to the oldest boy and retired at 45. This was celebrated with us by so many people.

Less than 90 days after we bought and moved to our little farm, 8 months after my mother died, my hero, the love of my life, the man that loved and raised my boys as his own since they were babies, my 45 year old husband dropped over dead with a heart attack. He died in my arms. His heart just exploded. We were married 17 years. He was a veteran and at his service he was given full military honors.  I still can hear those 21 guns, I still can hear Taps on those bagpipes, I can still see the light leaving his eyes.  I knew not a soul in our new place, more than 3 hours from my children, grandchildren and brothers.  After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #42 on: January 16, 2011, 12:09:56 AM »
 My name is Angela. At the age of 33 I became a widowed mommy. My husband of 5 years decided life was no longer worth living. He past away from suicide 9/22/2010. We have a 4 year old little girl. His parents relationship with me has been strained, at the begining they blamed me for his suicide. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

ManyTears

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2011, 06:24:30 AM »
Angela
Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry you lost your husband.  My heart is with you, and you and your daughter are in my prayers.  You are so young.  I am glad you found this place, a place where you can talk about it when you need to. I find that having such a place calms me, sharing with others, hearing their heartbreak, knowing that I am not completely alone gives peace to my soul. 

Your inlaws are hurting too, losing their son.  Please don't add to your emotional roller coaster spending energy right now to heal them too, you need to work on you, take care of you and that precious 4 yr. old angel.  I pray they will find solace and recognize your pain and keep you close.  The blame thing is not good for any of you right now.  Not now, or ever.

Grace and peace unto you Angela
ManyTears

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #44 on: January 17, 2011, 06:02:24 AM »
Hi Many Tears,

 

 After his funeral I came back to this farm and how I survived here, completely alone is another story for another day.  A woman I met at the bank who shared the loss of her daughter with me, told me (and her words still ring in my ears), "they will stop wanting to hear you cry".  I recall thinking, no way, not my family.

My greatest challenge now is understanding why she was right. My two adult sons and my five brothers do not seem to want to know that I am still grieving, that I still mourn.  This, on top of the actual grief itself, hurts me deeply.  It has changed my relationship with my boys.  They told me a year ago they did not want to have memorial gatherings for him any more, that it was time to move on, time to stop mourning. That they did not want to get together and watch me cry again. What is that?  I absolutely flipped out, because these boys loved that man.  I believe that death alienates us in and of itself.  Now suddenly I cannot share this despair, this crushing emotion with anyone? That is why I am so thankful you are here.  It is like God finally sent an angel to listen, albeit through a computer screen.  Thank you God! He died March 22 and soon , as I have in years past, I will slip into that place, the place where time stands still , that place where you feel it all over again, and this year, I will be even more alone.  That is why I cry so . . .
ManyTears

Sadly, I understand. As time goes by, and remember that time has a different meaning for those who grieve because for so long we are in a suspended state of shock, disbelief and years to us may seem like months to those around us. They aren't living with what we are living with, so please know I understand the hurt you're feeling and also, the disappointment.

Our family and friends alike, miss us and want us back the way we used to be. They are, in their own way grieving for us. They are scared. Fearful that we will never return to the world of the norm, whatever on earth that may be. I've never been able to figure out what that word means!

You will have so many challenges to face and to try to conquer. You will only be able to deal with your own. I learned a long time ago that I am not responsible for others reactions and expectations of me. I have always put forth my best effort to be understanding with others, being very specific that my childrens memory will always be honored and if they choose to not be a part of that great honor then so be it. That choice is their's.

Setting guidelines with those closest to you will be your greatest challenge. Letting them know that it hurts you deeply to not be a part of their lives, in any way; including memorials. The memorials are a ritual and one that keeps us grounded in our grief.

Though very difficult, as we've all been there; try to stay focused on your needs right now continuing to include your family by invitation. If they do not wish to attend then again, that is their choice. This is 'your' grief and you own your feelings. Your deep pain is fueled by your deep love and that love never dies or even dissipates over time.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Rejection. This is so hard to deal with atop our grief. Please know we are here for you and we 'want', very much to hear about your family and the ways you've chosen to honor them. Sadly, this is the story we all tell and we are hurt most by our family. Remember they love you but they just do not understand time, as we now know it.

Post your family's dates on our calendar so they will be remembered, here. Dealing with these dates, and especially the anticipation of them which I have found is always much worse, can and does take us to a dark place. Remember there is light and it is in the hearts of all who care for you.

We are always here for you.

((((((((((((((((((ManyTears))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry