Author Topic: Introductions thread  (Read 49394 times)

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2010, 03:16:01 PM »
Thank You, Brad! And, I'm so glad to hear you're comfortable popping in, even amidst your busy schedule...I understand VERY well!!!

Keeping those hugs coming..(((((((((((((((Brad))))))))))) and look forward to hearing more from you!

My love,
Terry

proudphoenix

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2010, 09:36:20 AM »
Hi, everyone,

Here's my story...

On November 6, I had arrived from out of state to stay with a friend ("S"), someone whom I had met online six months earlier and had started dating long-distance.

Once I got to S’s place, a few indications that he might have died two weeks earlier quickly came to light, and after a few calls to friends, the police, and the coroner's office, I verified that he had, in fact, died two weeks before my arrival, from heart failure at the age of 40 while hiking.

I missed the viewing (gathering) of S's friends and family since that happened before I found out about the above.

In the half-year that we knew each other, we communicated mostly by phone and text, plus a little email. And though S and I had spent only a few days in person together in August since meeting, we both had said that we couldn't wait to see each other again, when I flew out to see him again last month.

I've been planning to move to his area next October, and if things had continued going well, I had hoped that we might eventual start a committed romantic relationship.

I'm hoping that chatting a bit here and taking some other steps elsewhere will help me work through my grief.

Thanks for reading.

Paul

browneyedgirl

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2318
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2010, 09:53:47 AM »
Dear Paul ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of S.

Welcome to Webhealing.  I am sorry you have to be here with us.  There are many loving, supportive people here.  There is always someone to listen and we understand......

Come back soon and let us know how you are doing. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jcohenx

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2010, 03:57:27 PM »
Hi;

My name is jc.  I am 43 years old and I live in Portland, Oregon.  My wife Laura died on 22 September, 2010 after a long battle with a lung disease called bronchiectasis.  She was in the ICU for the last 6 weeks of he life and I was there all day, everyday.  One night she suddenly couldn't breathe due to the formation of a pneumothorax in each lung.  It was all over in 20 minutes.  We never had any doubts that her lung condition would kill her sooner or later but we had no idea how hard and how fast the end would come.  We were married for 15 years, together for 25 and I was proud and grateful to have such a loving and caring partner who never once faltered in her love for me.

We didn't have children and my dog died 4 months prior from a stroke.  So now I am living alone for the first time in my life.  I have been living the most monastic of lifestyles.  I avoid alcohol, caffeine stronger than tea, and anything remotely sexual.  I read.  I swim for exercise.  I clean my empty house.  I walk in circles and I talk to myself.  I've lost about 14 lbs and my ribs are starting to show (on the plus side my abs have never been tighter).

Work has been a train wreck.  I find that I've contracted an acute case of ADD.  At work I try to keep my head down and not rage at anybody.  I blow off meeting requests regularly now. 

I went to two of the local bereavement support groups but I felt alien.  Everyone there was at lest 20 years older than me and had led full lives with their spouses before losing them.  I went to a therapist for the first time yesterday and within 10 minutes of the first interview she was suggesting medication.  Either I look much worse than I thought or my prognosis is just not that complicated.   I am realizing that all of my self-esteem and emotional currency was invested in being married to her.  Now that she's gone I need to find a way to redefine my purpose in life and I don't know how.  People ask how I'm doing and I reply, "I'm working on it."  I'm lying.  I don't know what "it" is or how to "work" on it.  So for now I ride it out and try to keep my personal demons on the bench.

More to come.

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2010, 07:06:05 PM »
Hi JC,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious Laura and such a recent loss. It's heartbreaking watching someone suffer and feeling helpless...I've been there and you have my heart.
What a great expression of love that the two of you were so fortunate to have for one another. It's this deep love and respect that deepens our grief for we find it hard to believe we will ever find happiness even close to what we had with them. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't.

Get another pet!!! They bring us so much unconditional love and comfort in a world where few can understand the pain we are going through....everything we are going through. You're not replacing your pet that died. That's not possible. You would be simply opening your heart to another and feeling their special love and affection. Your empty house would no longer be empty. Truthfully and even my own family doesn't "get it" but I probably wouldn't have made it this far without my furry friends. (Think about it!)

Keeping physically active is a good thing. You sound like a self-motivator and that's such a plus when grieving. And, setting boundries with others (and so soon) is impressive.

Sometimes those meetings (bereavement) can be helpful and other times, well it's hit and miss a lot, I've found. I commend you for taking that step to even attend.


I am realizing that all of my self-esteem and emotional currency was invested in being married to her.  Now that she's gone I need to find a way to redefine my purpose in life and I don't know how.  People ask how I'm doing and I reply, "I'm working on it."  I'm lying.  I don't know what "it" is or how to "work" on it.  So for now I ride it out and try to keep my personal demons on the bench.


Be patient with yourself, realizing that you have had a devastating loss and it has been so recent. These early weeks, months and even years is a readjustment into life and as you shared, a redefining of your purpose. It takes time. Have you started a journal? Writing all of my feelings down everyday was life saving for me. Many have gone on to publish books on grieving and their path to searching for new meaning....the heartache, the struggles and eventually a bit of peace and that glimmer of light when for so long, there had been only darkness.

Thank you, JC for sharing your Laura with us and letting us know how you're doing. Please come back and share more as you are able. Someone is always here to read and respond with an open heart.

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm so glad you found us!

Again, I am so deeply sorry for your loss and the difficult time you are going through. The holiday's are brutal on us and those first's are even more so. Stay close and know we care.

Sending lots of hugs and my love,

((((((((((((((JC))))))))))))))

Terry



jcohenx

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2010, 11:39:26 AM »
Thanks, Terry;

I have thought about getting a new pet but there are complications.  I have a job that has me on the road a lot and especially now.  One of the main reasons I got a dog was to keep my wife company while I was gone and to have something big an loud to make her feel more secure.  If I were to get another dog now I would be absent about 50% of the time for the next couple of months so that's going to have to wait.

To be honest, I'm not so sure how good the job I have is for me anymore.  I am afraid of becoming a ghost in the neighborhood where I blow into town long enough to pay bills and rake leaves and then be out again.  My wife was very good at making sure that I keep ties to the neighbors.  She knew all the families on the block, their kids names, their interests, etc.  I am working very hard on that right now but it's not easy when I'm gone so much.  I am also worried about how my work relations are shaping up.  I may be on a somewhat self-destructive path at work.  I am definitely not bringing my A-game lately.  I am seriously considering an LOA in a month or two if things don't improve. 

jcohenx

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2010, 11:47:35 AM »
Also, I've been keeping a journal for a while now.  I'm not sure if it's helping or not.  I tend to only write in it when I'm really down and rather than helping me chart the future I worry that it is only serving to cement my depression in the present.  As you said, Terry, I'm still in the very early stages of all of this so we'll see how it plays out.

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #22 on: December 13, 2010, 07:28:23 PM »
Hi JC,

So much changes when that special someone is no longer here with us. I wouldn't be too concerned regarding what the neighbors are thinking as I'm sure they have had to cope with losses, also and understand how much one's life changes. The daily routines, although healthy to try to keep up with to a certain extent, just don't seem to be the priority any longer while we're grieving. If things work out, in time then you'll probably stay there, where you're living now and if they don't, you'll make the decision to change that when the time comes. But, please try and hold off on making ANY major decisions for at least a year, maybe two. When we do that too early, we usually regret it.

There are going to be so many adjustments to your life already, just trying to live without Laura. Please be gentle with yourself and very patient. Concentrate on taking good care of yourself. Eating well and getting a lot of rest even if you can't sleep good and drinking a lot of fluids. Grief/pain/stress zaps our immune systems and can play havoc with our bodies and our minds. You are most important right now.

Maybe a LOA is in order. Only you know that for sure. It sounds as if you like your job and want to assure it stays intact. There's no rush to do anything right now. It's just too soon.

Regarding your journal, yes it may seem depressing but these are your real feelings and you are understandably sad and maybe it's too soon to be charting out your future and I've found the only way to unload what plays over and over again in our minds, is to write it down. Reflecting back on what we wrote weeks before can be such an awakening. Try and give it a little time.

Try to do something nice for yourself today. Something you may not have done in awhile. Make it "your time" where you can be alone with your thoughts to just relax. Take this special time out, however brief, everyday...just for you. You deserve to feel a little peace.

Know I care, very much and I'm here for you!

(((((((((JC & Laura)))))))))))

Love,
Terry

mousewife

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 268
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #23 on: December 13, 2010, 07:56:10 PM »
Paul,

So sorry you had to lose someone who was becoming important to you and that you had to find out in the way that you did.  I know that must have been so traumatic.  I hope you will find the healing that you need.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

mousewife

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 268
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #24 on: December 13, 2010, 08:19:53 PM »
JC,

So sorry you had to lose your wife.  I know what you mean about the bereavement group and feeling you were too young to be there.  When my husband died he was only 50 and I was 52.  I did go to the groups but most of the people were in their seventies and had lived out their full life stages.  I know they were in as much pain as I was, but, it is a little hard not to be envious of them because they got the time they could reasonably expect to have.

I have found that pets can help a lot too.  I had to have my 19 year old cat euthanized right after Thanksgiving the year that my husband died.  It was so very hard.  Then my mother had to go in to a nursing home and I kept her cat for over a year and then he had to be euthanized.  I said I would never have another pet because It kills me to have to be the one to do that, but shortly before Christmas last year, I felt so lonely I decided to take in another kitty.  She has been the best companion.  But, I agree that if you have to travel for work, it's not the right time for a pet.

If your are having alot of trouble functioning at the level you feel is needed at work maybe it would be good if you have the option of taking a leave.  It is very hard to concentrate and organize after loss.  There are so many emotions to process and give expression to.  It's a full-time job in itself.  The process of creating a new world and a new you is very demanding and takes a lot of time and thought.

Find a friend you know you can trust, or use the therapist, to think through what your best option is re the leave from work, and then make your decision.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife                                    l                                                                       

moving on

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #25 on: December 15, 2010, 07:08:59 AM »
So sorry to hear about your loss. It has been 11 months for me and with these holidays I have been having a real hard time with depression and such. I  do have a boyfriend who is a christian and an undertaker so he knows what I am going through and he is very supportive. But it just takes time to heal and to be able to move on. I really miss my husband escpically now with Christmas upon us but I try and think of the good times and remember the times we shared. I know this probably won't help anyone but hopefully it will in time help me. Merry Christmas to you all and keep your head up and lean on God.  :angel11:
Alyce

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #26 on: December 16, 2010, 12:25:49 AM »
moving on,

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your holiday season will bring warm memories of your precious husband!

Come back and let us know how you're doing!

(((((((((((moving on))))))))))))

My love,
Terry

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #27 on: December 16, 2010, 12:34:29 AM »
Paul,

I'm so sorry for your loss, so recent and so unexpected. Such an unusual and both exciting means of connecting. How fortunate for you both to have found a common bond across the miles and although your time spent together was brief, it sounded meaningful and also, promising. Again, I'm really sorry...you have my heart.

Welcome to Webhealing and I hope you come back and tell us more about "S." I'd love to hear!

Sending hugs and love to you!

(((((((((((Paul))))))))))

Love,
Terry

mamadonna

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 3
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2010, 07:29:48 AM »
On 12-20-02 I typed the word "widow" into google and found a grief support group that I became a part of and it became my new family.  My wonderful husband of 23 years had died of blastomycosis - a strange disease of the chest that he contracted from the river bank where we lived. My world had fallen apart.  Later in 2003, I started the healing process and while in the grief support group, I reached out to a farmer who had lost his wife of 39 years. He was hurting so bad and we became e-mail friends for months.  Needless to say, in 2005, we became husband and wife and we started a new life together.

On November 4, 2010, I went out of town with his sister. We had just talked on the phone and he asked me to call him at 6:00AM to wake him to go to the fields. When I could not reach him, his son was contacted and found his dad in bed with his favorite book on his chest, glasses on his head and the light still on. Once again, my life has fallen apart.

I just retired 7-1-10 and we were beginning a new chapter of our life.  We had started traveling, he finally was learning how to relax and we had all these wonderful plans that included our 6 grandsons.  I have lost two husbands in 8 years and my heart is broken.  I have been through all the stages of grief. I know the process and the pain that goes with the loss.  This time is so different to me - I am 8 years older, I am still in shock and I am so angry!  I just don't know what to do next. This is such an over-whelming feeling and I don't have the energy to go on. Last time I relied totally on my faith and this time, I am even questioning that too and that makes me feel even more guilty.  Of course, the holidays are here which makes the pain even worse.

I am going through the motions. My only strength is coming from  knowing that we lived each day as if it was our last one!  We were both widows - that is why.  We had been as low as we could go and were given a second chance together. We had this for 5 1/2 years. I just wanted it to last longer.

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5868
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #29 on: December 17, 2010, 09:26:57 AM »
mamadonna,

To lose then find love again and lose again...my heart goes out to you and I am so deeply sorry for this journey through grief once again. I imagine that you are in shock, it has been so recent. Just 6 weeks ago.

Welcome to Webhealing and I know you'll find the comfort and understanding so needed to get you through these dark days ahead. These holidays are just brutal on us all and know we are here for you, day or night.

Please don't feel guilty for questioning your faith as this is all a part of grieving and the pain we feel and the blame has to be placed on someone. HE has big shoulders and understands. The shock will protect you from the even more intense pain that is to come and the anger is just something we all go through.

Please be kind to yourself and know that everything you're feeling is OK and it's taking a step forward when you're feeling strong enough. But, right now, care for YOU! Rest an eat well and know that you have been devastated by a great loss.

Thank you for sharing your loves. Come back and tell us more as you are able.

((((((((((((((((mamadonna))))))))))))))

With Love and Understanding,
Terry