Author Topic: Introductions thread  (Read 45268 times)

Soledad

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #120 on: December 12, 2016, 08:20:09 AM »
I am new here. I lost my spouse of 40 years in October. Mine is a complicated grief. I found out during the days of his wake and funeral that at the time of his passing, he was having an affair. I can not put into words how devastating this was and is. I am a Christian and God is holding me up, otherwise I would be in a million pieces. I Loved my husband and I am trying every day to forgive him for how he broke my heart. Death alone is terrible grief but the knowledge of his betrayal haunts my days, to a degree.

Some of my days are very difficult.

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #121 on: December 14, 2016, 04:55:37 PM »

((((Soledad))))

I'm sorry for your great loss. It's understandable that you were devastated, shocked and probably feeling other emotions besides those associated with the loss of life. Welcome to Webhealing.

Try to take a day at a time and care for yourself the best you can by eating healthy, resting, drinking plenty of water and taking a walk every day. All of these help when we're grieving.

We're here for you.

Love,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

Soledad

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #122 on: December 17, 2016, 11:10:52 AM »
Thank you, Terry. In my complicated grief, I have found that there are some articles but very few books that address the subject of dealing with infidelity in conjunction with grieving. I'm considering writing a book. My background is medical, but English was always a strong subject for me.

I found very little on this website regarding the subject as well.

I appreciate your reply. Looking forward to participating here as much as possible.

Best,
Soledad

Julie Marie

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #123 on: January 19, 2017, 01:29:59 PM »
Hi. My name is Julie Marie. I lost my husband on Nov 16, 2016.   We were in the process of selling our house and had a closing date and were moving to NC (all our stuff was down in storage) My son and his wife also live in NC.  I was going to find a little job and David was going to take it easy and enjoy life.  He died from Pancreatitus. We had gone out to dinner on a Sunday evening.. he complained of a belly ache and we figured it was from too much fried food... well the next day it didnt go away. He was admitted to ICU with sever Pancreatitus. ( no gall stones and didnt drink but an occassional beer after mowing the lawn)  33 days in ICU he passed away.  I have been on the minute by minute/hour by hour rollar coaster of grief like everyone else.  I would do anything for my husband and I certainly would not have wantted him to suffer so if I have to go through this for him.. then thats what I have to do.  I drove the 899 miles to NC and am now staying at my son's house.  I am grateful for this website.

Soledad

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #124 on: January 19, 2017, 02:24:43 PM »
Hi Julie Marie,
     I am sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences. I know what you mean about the roller coaster. I hope for Peace for you. My husband died October 4th suddenly after a heart attack. He was a heart patient but was not sick that day except for a chest cold. He fly fished with my oldest Son, all day and after returning home in the late afternoon, said his back hurt. He went to lie down and by 7:40 he called to me. I called EMS, gave him CPR and he became conscious long enough to tell my son and I that he loved us. He said he knew he was dying. After leaving in the ambulance we never spoke to him again. He arrested in the ER before we arrived. They brought him back. On the third code I told them to stop. I am a nurse and I could see it was futile.
     I am doing a little better now. I have lots of support from family and friends and a prayer group.
I think it's good that you are with your Son. I'm sure that brings you comfort. Everyone is grieving, and so is your Son so I am sure it's difficult. These conversations here help. I'm hope you will come back and post again!

Soledad

Tom

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #125 on: January 19, 2017, 03:15:46 PM »
Hi Soledad and Julie -  Good to see you here and I wish things were a bit busier.   The traffic here comes and goes and is hard to predict.

There is no substitute for an ally in grief who is going through something similar and you both seem to have had some commonalities in your situations.  The sudden and unexpected nature of your losses are a huge factor that complicates the process of grieving.  Basically, it means that it takes a while longer to fully believe the loss has happened.  It's a tough time.

I will be checking in from time to time and I think Terry should be around. 

Blessings.
Tom's New EBook and paperback
 

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #126 on: January 20, 2017, 06:36:17 PM »

Hi Julie Marie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing.

You're so right that when grieving it's one minute, second at a time. It's not easy but it's important to care for your physical health the best you can as grieving zaps our immune systems. Try to walk every day away from your home.

And posting helps, a lot. There are many members on Spouse Loss as you'll find as you post below.

We're here for you.

Sending hugs & love,

((((((Julie Marie)))))

Hugs,
Terry


"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #127 on: April 07, 2017, 04:46:12 PM »
Hi not exactly sure where to start but lost my wife Gina around 3 weeks ago. I'm 55 and she was 54. This was a 2nd marriage for both of us and this coming June would have been 8 years. Both of us are disabled and hers was due to a ventral hernia. Before she met me she had been through 10 surgeries to correct the hernia but they were never successful. She probably would not have survived and 11th attempt so she was always in pain. In April of 2015 she had knee replacement surgery. Some how or another while she was in the hospital one evening after being with her all day I left to go home and come back the following day. When I left things were fine she was progressing well with the new knee. Next morning I came into her room and they had ODed her. Her head was tilted to one side and she was unresponsive. TwoToez her service dog was trying to to get her to respond. Dr overheard me from the hall and came in to asses the situation and called for nurses to administer Narcon. She came around and was still groggy but at least we knew we got there in time and she would survive. She drifted in and out of sleep and I stayed by her side. She didn't move much because of her sleeping then but her pulmonary came in as part of his rounds and I woke Gina up and he checked her out. While checking her he asked her to take her right hand and squeeze two or three of his fingers and she could not move her arm. They started a battery of tests and it turned out she had gotten bracial plexis. That's when the nerves that go from the spinal column to the arm get damaged right at the spinal column. It was obviously clear something happened after I had left the day before. They either tried to move her maybe tug on her arm to strengthen her in bed something but no one would give us any definite answers. They tried to claim she slept on it wrong or did it in her sleep. I wasn't buying that excuse. She was sleeping the way she normally does at home. Proving it is a different issue altogether. Needless to say we closed our small charity and nonprofit helping the disabled because she could no longer use sign language and it crushed her she couldn't draw either. Took a year before she was able to at least move the arm a few months after that she was able to use her hand somewhat but her arm was never the same.  During that time I helped care for her even though I myself am disabled too. I was still rehabbing the house as I could and I made sure she got the kitchen she wanted. She loved it. To this day there are still areas of the house I am working on. Needless to say the last couple of months I watched her deteriorate and I knew her pain was getting worse. At times I felt helpless but I would still try to help and be with her but she didn't want to see anymore doctors. She had missed Sarge our first service dog as he passed last August. One of these times maybe I'll tell you about Sarge and his pups. His pups went out to be service dogs as well. Gina and I kept two of the pups, one for her and one for me to be a replacement for Sarge when it was his time to retire. Sarge's one daughter Tunnie remained with us as well so we had her trained too. Anyway we had Sarge cremated when he died and his ashes and saddle bags she kept on a stand by her dresser for us to remember him. In the wee hours in the morning of March16th I was at my desk on the computer and she came in around 2:30 am complaining of a tooth ache and sat at her desk which is right next to mine. I asked when she had her last pain med and she said it had been about 6 hours so I told her to take another one but hold it on her cracked tooth for a min or two before swallowing it and I reminded her enough time had lapsed we could put a new pain patch on as well. So we did all that and she played a video on her computer to distract her while the meds kicked in. We were just trying to get her to hold on til the morning when dentists offices are open. It got to be around 3:00 am and she got up kissed me on the cheek and said she was going back to bed and walked across the hall to the bed room. I told her I wouldn't be much longer and continued what I was doing. Just before 4:00 am I shut my computer down and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I went into the bedroom and she wasn't laying in bed. I looked and she was on the floor. I went to help her up but she was already gone. ice cold, no breathing no pulse and then I hugged her called 911. I  began to cry and rock her while waiting for help and they arrived in about 4 minutes. At the time it felt like hours. They determined she had a heart attack At first I thought maybe accidental over dose but no, Her meds and how they were taken hadn't changed in years and she didn't abuse them. In hind sight one thing I do not understand is how a 220 pound woman falls on a wooden floor and not make a sound. Our 3 dogs are service dogs and they are trained to alert and get help if one of us falls and help out.........Two toez was the closest to her about 5 ft away from her, Tunnie was just outside the bedroom door in eyesight of Gina, Sox my dog was by me about 10 ft from the bedroom door. I didn't hear anything and none of the dogs so much as flinched or even made a reflexive look in Gina's like hearing a a bump in her direction at anytime. I have two regrets one being Gina didn't get to see the house complete and the other is she loved to watch me play guitar and keyboard and for Christmas 2014 she bought me a new guitar. I played it for a week or two then put it away until the new office was finished and had the room and we didn't have to worry about dust. The new office and half bath in the basement is what I started working on the week she died. I've moped around a bit as it's hard to get motivated to get started however I have dug out that guitar and have made it a point to learn the song she sang to me on our wedding day "I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman because I know and feel she is still near.

Soledad

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #128 on: April 10, 2017, 04:47:27 AM »
JUSTMARK,

     I am so sorry to read of the loss of your dear wife. I hope you can find healing and peace at such a difficult time. There are times that you may feel her presence near. I pray you will find comfort in those times. Please take care of yourself. I hope you have a support system. Many prayers for you in your days ahead.

Soledad

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #129 on: April 10, 2017, 08:12:56 PM »
Thank you Soledad, I am finding moments of peace and other times sorrow and reflect on happier times with Gina. My mom and my oldest daughter stop in on me from time. They will also call and go with me on errands like groceries or the hardware store. They want to make sure I'm eating and sleeping and keep bringing me prepared meals even though I can cook.  About every third or forth night I hardly get sleep. Gina and I had just rearranged the bedroom furniture 2 or 3 days before she died. I moved the furniture back as it seemed the only memory I had with the furniture in that position was how I found Gina so I moved it back. Thought that would do the trick but last night didn't sleep at all again. I did get sleepy around 10 am and took a few hours nap. I'm sure as time goes on I will get more feelings of peace and acceptance  but I don't know how long for that to happen. I thought it was bad when my dad died but this is far worse for me. Anyway thank you for the condolences and encouragement. I know I'll be stopping in from time to time to post things as I have been finding it helpful. I'm also sure as time goes on I'll also be able to help advise or talk to others.

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #130 on: April 11, 2017, 06:39:04 AM »

JustMark,

I am sorry to read of the very recent death of your precious wife, Gina. Welcome to Webhealing.

As difficult as it is at this time, try to take care of yourself the best you can by staying hydrated (drinking lots of water) getting out of the house for a walk everyday, eating healthy snacks and getting rest. These things saved my life when grieving as our immune system get's zapped when our bodies are stressed and we can become very sick.

Know that we're here for you and post day or night, someone is always reading.

You have my understanding.

Sending hugs & love to you ((((((JustMark))))))

Love,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #131 on: April 11, 2017, 09:13:05 AM »
Thank you Terry. I have been getting out every day for one reason or another unless it's raining. I may walk with one of our dogs to go to the store to pick us a few odd or end groceries or one of the other stores close by. There is a small shopping plaza just about 2 to 3 blocks from my home. They know exactly where the dog treats are at. I get to remember drilling with Sarge or the pups when they were younger. I also have to take turns with each dog or else it may start a little rivalry so I alternate them and give them each turns. TwoToez is learning a couple new tasks to help me as a service dog because he was exclusively Gina's service dog.
Yesterday I was out getting the vegetable garden ready for planting. Like pulling the old plants adding some stuff that composted over winter and such.  I normally prep it about mid March, start the plants indoors early March and plant them first week of April but I'm just a little late this year. I didn't start the plants with everything happening so planting the seeds directly in the bed. 
For me last week it was rough. Gina used to cut the grass out front as she found it relaxing. Doesn't make sense to me but if she found it relaxing I wasn't going to argue. We live in a town house and towards the very front of our lawn is a 6 ft decline across the entire front and the side walk leading to the house has 4 concrete steps that go from the top the the bottom to the sidewalk along the street. Well part of my disabilities is deteriorating right hip and lower vertebrae in the lumbar region. I also have a hearing loss that affects my sense of balance at times and I cut the lawn tail end of last week which wiped me out for two days in very intense pain. So my daughter is going to have my grandson come by every other week to cut the lawn for me. Luckily it's a small lawn and the whole thing can be done in less then half an hour for someone that doesn't have disabilities.
Maybe after the rehab of the house is finished and I can reopen my shops and the charity / nonprofit I'll develop something that can attach to a lawn mower self propel it and the operator can be in eyesight and control it with a remote. You see I mentioned that Gina was involved with the deaf community and service dogs for our company. The things I was involved with was administration and engineering. Design work, drawing blueprints for structural modifications to buildings and equipment for permits and such, have parts made and things like that.
Two years ago I also bought and milling machine and lathe for metal work and had a driveway and parking pad from the alley installed in the back of our house as part of the home rehab. I also have a small electronics lab left over from my engineering company that got packed up years ago when my PTSD and depression kicked in and had to stop working and get help. A also bought two new development platforms for embedded electronics. I'm not only a disabled vet but also disabled engineer with almost 15 years of experience with design of embedded systems and industrial machinery. Gina was looking forward to me starting on some prototypes of a few things she thought of to help the deaf and disabled kids and kept her active with the disabled community. Yes Gina has moved on and it still hurts but I still remember her telling other disabled people when we were out at various functions " We are not handicapped! ....We are handicapable! 

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #132 on: April 12, 2017, 07:40:05 AM »

Hi Mark,

It sure sounds like you're doing all the right things. It's not always easy, as you're well aware but it's worth it. We're worth it.
Glad to learn that you have dogs. They are family and help us through the toughest times in our lives with their unconditional love that they give so freely. Enjoy them as much as they enjoy you!

I like "handicapable" and going to remember that. That's awesome.

You sure do have a lot going on and don't forget to take extra special care of you. Forgetting our basic needs is so easy to do when we're hurting.

If you post Gina's Angel Date, Birthday, Anniversary....I will post them on the calendar so she will be honored. We will always remember her here at Webhealing.

Scratch behind the ears for Sarge from me.
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

JustMark

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #133 on: April 13, 2017, 08:20:39 PM »
Yes well it broke Gina's heart when she had to close the business. We had hoped to reopen it in a couple of years when she started getting some use of her arm but everything was being held up with the rehab of the house. and the last 6 months or so I even had to stop that in order to help Gina. I even put my own medical and psych needs on the back burner. So you could say in order to do what needed to be done I self neglected while keeping Gina a priority. With Gina gone I am making sure to take care of myself and needs trying to get back on my feet without going over board and racing to the finish line if you know what I mean. So for me right now is slow and steady. Anyway, what is an angel date? If it's the day she died she went on March 16th 2017, her birthday is September 12th 1962 and our anniversary is June 13th 2009.

Last night I got a little more bad news. The younger brother of a friend named Gene, I had known for about 50 years, since first or second grade,  posted Genes obituary on Gene's  facebook page. Next Tuesday is the memorial service and I'll probably be going. We were very close growing up. Lost touch when I went into the service then reconnected when I got out and stayed in touch. Went fishing and crabbing and such. Just seems like yesterday when we were kids. Played army, soft ball, cowboys and indians, rode our bikes together, kool aid stand that lasted a whole day and a half. We even took turns talking and coming up with bigger and better stories of how scary and haunted old man Pumphrey's farm house was. It even had a secret pirates cave in back the house and surprisingly no one has found the buried treasure still to this day. Yes I will miss Gene and always have good memories of him. 

Terry

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Re: Introductions thread
« Reply #134 on: April 14, 2017, 07:11:08 AM »

Mark,

I'm sorry to read of the death of your friend, Gene. Those childhood memories you shared are just priceless. Thank You.

Yes, I do know what you mean regarding that finish line and important to remember that grieving is slow, at times....there is no time table, just a beginning. I try to remember that the pain is the price we pay for loving and losing.

The Angel Date is when our loved ones died, correct. I will post Gina's dates on our calendar. Thanks for sharing them.

Holding you close as you face another difficult challenge, saying good-bye to your friend.


"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss