I will confess that for the first several weeks I seriously considered suicide myself, however the turmoil I was in dealing with what I had just been through and the severe hurt from that and never in a million years could I do that to the people I love. At the time of his suicide my new born twin grand daughters had just that day turned 3 weeks old, and it was their little faces that truely kept me hanging on in the worst of moments. Our story is very long and difficult, the place where we lived my boyfriend had lived there for 15 years on the same property as his land lord, they had become very close almost a father/son relationship. On the last day of January his landlord had come over to visit and we showed him the ultra sound pictures from the day before when we learned we had twin grand babies coming,after his land lord left sometime in the next few hours his wife murdered him, a very long long story, the depression for him after this was severe and with the help of his Dr. and medicatiion we made it through the next few months of terror and pain and I was sure had made it through what would be the worse of the situation...the babies were born and it seemed the world had changed and they were the light at the end of our tunnel of darkness from the last few months....then out of the blue the end came. I truely wish anyone who is thinking of suicide could feel this pain that I have for just 1 full day before they make that final choice..the emotiional flip flop that I have daily is almost more than one soul can take...the anger inside of what his choice has taken from me is so overwhelming at times...the loss of sleep, trust, faith. In April the murder trial will begin where I am left being the main witness by myself , I have been advised that his suicide will be brought up...there are days when I think of just how unfair all of this is, I guess I feel sorry for myself as well...it seems so cruel to do everything I can to heal, to only be brought back down to my knees. For months now his choices have been calling all the shots for me, and I have been dreading scattering his ashes tomorrow, as I feel like I am being forced to forgive and say good bye, after days to think about this I have chosen to take back control of my life, even to a small degree, and have chosen to not forgive or say good bye unitl "I" am ready, he will no longer be making the choices. In a week I will be moving into a new home, and no longer living out of a duffel bag from one loved ones home to another, I dread unpacking the things that have been boxed up in storage for months now. I dread sleeping in the bed we shared just moments before the end. But I feel like these are all just normal steps I must take in my recovery, all the little speed bumps that I must now face for the remainder of my time. I have often thought of what I would do or say if I had one more chance to speak with him, and I cannot honestly say I know what that would be, it changes from day to day. I really appreciate all of the kind words here....this was a last resort at some kind of peace and understanding,as so many people seem to be able to just go on with their lives and I feel like I am stuck back in another time and place.