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Author Topic: Trying to move on after a suicide  (Read 3357 times)
Carmen13
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« on: October 07, 2009, 09:50:29 AM »

It has been 18 weeks today that the love of my life ended his life, and I am just now reaching out and trying to find some peace. I have been given so much advice on what I "need" to do, however in my mind all of those suggestions just seem so far out of reach.
My boyfriend suffered from depression for most of his life, and until he met me his family worried daily of what he may do. Our life together was what most people dream of, that old soul mate thing....on the night he took his life everything was so normal, with the exception of a few more moments of him telling me what I have meant to him and how lucky he felt to have found me. 15 minutes later he shot himself in front of me, and I found myself desperately doing CPR on someone my mind knew was not here anymore, but my heart would not let me stop. His family and I are scattering his ashes this Sunday, and I feel like it is pulling me back into those first few weeks after his death of such sadness. The thought of finally saying good bye makes me shake. I have been reading comments and support on here for a day now and I am hoping that by sharing my story it will make this process a little easier.

Carmen
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browneyedgirl
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« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2009, 10:21:40 AM »

Dear Carmen ~ I am so very sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and soul mate. 

I hope that this site will help you has it has helped me.  There are many people here who care and will offer a kind, supportive word when you need it. 

Please take care of yourself, again so sorry for the tragic loss of your boyfriend.
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Luvinmike
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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2009, 01:42:04 PM »

Dear Carmen;
I am glad you found this site. Please continue to communicate to compassionate people in your life as you try to heal one day at a time- from such an unexpected loss. I hope the plans with his family may open your heart to further healing for yourself, continued faith that things will feel better eventually, but of course the love will stay. I am truly sorry for your loss. Tell us as you can about yourself and how you are. You have found a caring group of people here who share in your grief. Sending strength. Deep breaths and baby steps.
Terri
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mt2186
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2009, 02:47:18 PM »

Carmen,

My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I lost my father to suicide a year ago. It is incredible pain - but I promise, the days get easier with time.

Please try and take one day at a time. Understand that your body and spirit have been through an incredible shock and it will take time to heal. Please take care of yourself and remind others that you may need some extra help. No one should have to go through this incredible pain. But you will find the strength to get through this.
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mousewife
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« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2009, 01:02:04 PM »

Carmen,

I am so sorry for the loss that you are going through.  I can relate to the loss, but I can only imagine the trauma of what you witnessed.  I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier for you.  I hope it will help you to know that others care and are praying for you.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
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pepper309
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« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2009, 01:45:11 PM »

Carmen,
I have never had to deal with  a loss such as yours and I am so very sorry that you have to go through something so painful.  I hope that you have good friends and understanding family members to lean on.  Something such as this is so very hard to come to terms with because I'm sure that you are searching for a reason why this occured.  It sounds as though while your boyfriend loved you very much he was obviously in alot of pain.  All you can do is take care of yourself and do the best you can on a day to day basis.  Peace to you and hopefully happiness wherever you might find it.
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Carmen13
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« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2009, 08:00:34 PM »

Thank you all for the kind words, yes I have suffered loss before, however none has even come close to the sadness this has brought...at times I feel like some kind of freak that everyone stares at and wonders when I will go off the deep end. The whole thing has taken so much from my life...
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OOOne
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« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2009, 10:22:39 PM »

This may upset some people; but I am being as honest as I can, I have held some things back that I would prefer to have shared. I am being brutally honest, and I am sorry if it hurts some people.














I just want you and anyone who reads this to know that it is not your fault at all. Family and friends have nothing negative to do with one's decision to commit suicide. We certainly think about all of you when we decide to commit. I have tried a few times to kill myself and the last time I attempted, I should have died (I am thankful that when I am drunk I make ill-advised phone calls to people) I was in a coma for a month after I was taken to the hospital and nothing was more painful then when I woke up and saw the people that were there. I can only wish that people with depression can avoid death as an answer, and if that is too much of a stretch that they could share my experience. Carmen in his mind that was the best thing to do in his situation and the best thing for you. When we think about suicide our judgment is extremely clouded and we have blinders on everything. He definitely wants the best for you and for you to live life to the fullest, because he thought he was unable to. It is a reverse kind of "living life vicariously" through you and the rest of the people who loved him. Just remember that he did love you, and cared for you more than you could ever have imagined. We do not see it as suicide and how it may affect the people around us; we think that everyone will treat it as a natural death, and there was nothing that could have been done. Just remember that he loved you and wanted you to have a full and wonderful life, even if that meant leaving you sooner than expected.
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georgiapeaches
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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2009, 05:50:14 PM »

Dear Carmen,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find some peace through the scattering of his ashes. I do wish you peach and comfort for the days ahead.

Georgia.
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laurenE
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« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2009, 07:10:35 AM »

OOOne,

Thank you for sharing your own personal account of  how a suicidal perso may think when contemplating it.  You are correct, in that it is not the surviving loved ones fault.  If someone really wants to do it,  they will do it. Sometimes  people think that if they loved enough, gave enough,  said enough that the person would still be alive.   That is not the case. We all have an innate knowledge within ourselves to know where to reach for help when we hit rock bottem.  ER,  internet,  suicide hotlines,  psych hosp,  counseling agencies,  fire stations,  dr office,  and the list goes on and on of places to turn to when life hits the bottem.  But someone  who is bound and determined will not chose that route.  Oftentimes they will ingest alcohol or drugs and then do it. 

 Suicide is usually caused by serious debiltating depression, which is a medical condition that needs to be treated just like a thyroid condition or heart problem.  Sometimes meds do not work correctly and need adjusted.  Sometimes people try to "snap out of it" themselves and can't.  If anyone suffers that greatly, please reach out and tell someone.


 It saddens me to know that so many people like yourself  have given up hope of ever getting through the pain.  It also saddens me to know that some people go to that extreme just to reach out for help.   Help that would be too late, if the plan was completed.  How devastating to those who survive.  I hope you realize that now OOOne,   have found hope again, and will always think of others before yourself when contemplating suicide so that you will not devastate someone and make someone suffer as much as Carmen and others here have suffered after their losses. 

Death is so final.  And the ones left behind are left to suffer to some degree, for the rest of thier lives.

Chose life OOOne.   The pain won't always be this intense.

lauren   


 
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sevenofwands
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2009, 07:31:04 AM »

Hello Lauren:

I agree entirely with your post.  You state the matter so well, with kindness and insight.  I also agree with Oone that it is not the surviving loved ones' fault, but, the loved ones left behind do suffer pain, loss, anguish and guilt, because they think they could have done something to prevent the tragedy. 
You are right, Lauren, when you say : "think of others before yourself".  And yes, there are always sources of help out there.  And yes, choose life, and living.

"Living" is no joke a lot of the time.  Nothing is easy, you get flak a lot of the time, you even get torpedoed now and then, yes, there is pain,  often times grief, but it is still worth the effort, every minute of it.  We've got one life and this is it.

Depression is a terrible thing, but it is treatable.  The fact is that many people have beaten the shadow of depression, and chosen to live a fruitful life.

Seven

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Carmen13
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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2009, 08:02:57 AM »

I will confess that for the first several weeks I seriously considered suicide myself, however the turmoil I was in  dealing with what I had just been through and the severe hurt from that and never in a million years could I do that to the people I love. At the time of his suicide my new born twin grand daughters had just that day turned 3 weeks old, and it was their little faces that truely kept me hanging on in the worst of moments. Our story is very long and difficult, the place where we lived my boyfriend had lived there for 15 years on the same property as his land lord, they had become very close almost a father/son relationship. On the last day of January his landlord had come over to visit and we showed him the ultra sound pictures from the day before when we learned we had twin grand babies coming,after his land lord left sometime in the next few hours his wife murdered him, a very long long story, the depression for him after this was severe and with the help of his Dr. and medicatiion we made it through the next few months of terror and pain and I was sure had made it through what would be the worse of the situation...the babies were born and it seemed the world had changed and they were the light at the end of our tunnel of darkness from the last few months....then out of the blue the end came. I truely wish anyone who is thinking of suicide could feel this pain that I have for just 1 full day before they make that final choice..the emotiional flip flop that I have daily is almost more than one soul can take...the anger inside of what his choice has taken from me is so overwhelming at times...the loss of sleep,  trust, faith. In April the murder trial will begin where I am left being the main witness by myself , I have been advised that his suicide will be brought up...there are days when I think of just how unfair all of this is, I guess I feel sorry for myself as well...it seems so cruel to do everything I can to heal, to only be brought back down to my knees. For months now his choices have been calling all the shots for me, and I have been dreading scattering his ashes tomorrow, as I feel like I am being forced to forgive and say good bye, after days to think about this I have chosen to take back control of my life, even to a small degree, and have chosen to not forgive or say good bye unitl "I" am ready, he will no longer be making the choices. In a week I will be moving into a new home, and no longer living out of a duffel bag from one loved ones home to another, I dread unpacking the things that have been boxed up in storage for months now. I dread sleeping in the bed we shared just moments before the end. But I feel like these are all just normal steps I must take in my recovery, all the little speed bumps that I must now face for the remainder of my time. I have often thought of what I would do or say if I had one more chance to speak with him, and I cannot honestly say I know what that would be, it changes from day to day. I really appreciate all of the kind words here....this was a last resort at some kind of peace and understanding,as so many people seem to be able to just go on with their lives and I feel like I am stuck back in another time and place.
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sevenofwands
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« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2009, 08:59:54 AM »

Carmen, my heart goes out to you.  What a sad and heart-rending story.  You have had to deal with so much, and you do seem like a stronger person than you think.  I am glad to see you have those invisible boundaries in place, and that you will not be pushed into a forgiveness tou cannot feel.  You say: "...and have chosen to not forgive or say good bye unitl "I" am ready, he will no longer be making the choices".  That is a very healthy choice on your part, Carmen.  Not to do what you simply do not feel like doing at this time.
I am sorry to hear you have to endure the stress and inconvenience of attending a trial. 

On the plus side, you are moving into a new home, and perhaps, if you do not mind, could I make a small suggestion.  Finances permitting, could you buy a brand new bed for yourself? And maybe not unpack those things until further down the line. 

Take care.
All the best
Seven
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Carmen13
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« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2009, 10:01:32 AM »

Yes I have considered getting rid of the bed and getting a new one...however I feel like I have had to give up/let go of so many things in all of this that I am being stubborn about giving up anymore than I really have to. I am going to keep the bed for now and see if it brings maybe some closeness or comfort, and if all it will bring is more of the negative and sadness at that point I will get a new one. As far as unpacking things and going through them, I feel like there really will never be an "easy" time to do it...the more I can handle and take care of before the trial may allow me to move on and be at peace after the trial. I have given up some of the smallest things to most people but very big and important things to me...things as simple as television shows I can no longer watch due to the uncontrolable panic and fear that comes with those shows now. I dont know still at this point I have no recollection of his laugh or even his voice---all I hear is the gun shot all I see is the mess, I am hoping at some point the good of what we had will start pushing past all of those memories.
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laurenE
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« Reply #14 on: October 10, 2009, 05:28:34 PM »

Carmen,

Most people in your situation would have also thought of suicide.  Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon in intensely painful situations.  Especially if they are prolonged or you dont see a light at  the end of the tunnel.   We want out of the pain.  Out of the agony.   And if we can't find that way out,  suicidal thoughts occur.     Most people dont act on those thoughts,  thank goodness,  but nevertheless,  they sure think it in some form or fashion,  mild to serious thoughts.

My heart goes out to all that you have been through.  I pray you will find peace.

lauren
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