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cokieslittlegirl
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« on: September 30, 2009, 10:32:44 AM »

How do we do this? I am told that once we arrive at this point we are able to let go and live they way we should be living. This seems impossible to me and I've been living without my Dad for 7 1/2 months now or I should say learning to live...because what I am doing is definitely not LIVING.

How do you let go? 

I know that many of you have lost your precious spouses, and I am dealing with the loss of a parent, those are different things surely. But if you all knew the kind of relationship I had with my Dad, the indescribable bond we shared, you would understand my devestation. He was 62, and healthy. He was healthier and more active during his chemo and sickness than most people are normally. He was one of the only people who I truly trusted in the world...I feel hopeless and sick without him.  I needed more time, more advice, more laughter, more hugs, more love. He needed and deserved to live his life out fully.  I know the point is silly, bad things just happen...to good people and bad. 

I know I have to move on from this devestation somehow...find the acceptance.  How has it occurred for any of you? 
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sevenofwands
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« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2009, 01:24:54 PM »

It just takes time, Cokie.  These things only come with time, and you are at an early stage, only really a few months.  It is very hard on you, I can see, and of course you wanted your Dad to be with you a few more years.  As you will have read on here, it is different for everyone, but time does seem to be a factor. 

Take care
All the best
Seven
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pepper309
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« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2009, 03:10:08 PM »

I have accepted that my brother is gone (it has been 2 mths) but that does not make it any easier of course.  I think that it is just a day by day sort of thing.  Like, for instance, I was fine today but yesterday was hard.  I received info from donor alliance and I lost it while I was looking it over.  Certain songs, certain moments, certain people, are going to trigger something in you.  It will always be hard, but over time it might be a little less so.  I myself know that my Boz (who was 22) would want me to go out and be happy and do the things that he can no longer do.  That is easier said than done and so there are times when I make myself do it.  I am going to a hockey game with my other brother and my cousin this weekend.  Am I going to be sad that Boz isn't there?  Of course, but I am still going because I know that he would want me to go instead of staying home and being miserable.  So find those things that still give you comfort and joy and do them as often as you can.  I was thinking of volunteering somewhere so that I can make others happy.  Just do what you can when you can and hopefully in time you will be happy more often than you are sad.
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Luvinmike
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« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2009, 04:01:57 PM »

((((cokie))))) I cried reading your post- I think that having someone you can fully trust is what I miss the most too. I wanted to learn more from my husband and share more special times- I feel the same way. How to move on- I guess feel the feelings as they come- I cried all day today, even privately at work- just could not stop. Some days are fairly calm and light- I guess just accepting that these are hard feelings and that everyone has to cope with them helps me a little bit. Not much though, because no one wants anyone to be in this pain.
I guess just gettting used to the idea that life has dramatically changed, in a sad and unimaginable way. I also look to nature for the reassurance of a majestic view to remind me how we do not get to understand any of this. We can simply experience it all. I think eventually you will get more comfortable. Thinking of you!
Terri
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tsurandy
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« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2009, 04:03:19 PM »

I believe grief is grief no matter who in your life has passed away.  Time does seem to help, however the first anniversary of my Mama's death has just passed and I miss her as much today as I always have, I am just better at coping with those feelings of despair!  I find solace in my belief that I will join her someday in Heaven.  I still cry but I have also learned to laugh about some of the things we did when Mama was alive and I share stories of "Grandma" with my nephews and nieces, they love hearing stories of her childhood and early years that she shared with me.  So yes live moves on, but we can take our memories and make them a part of who we are as well as who the next generation becomes.  Mama had a tradition of taking flowers each season to the cemeteries where our ancestors were buried, I have continued that tradition, and many may think its nuts for me to be placing flowers at graves of people I never knew, many who passed away in the late 1800ís and early 1900ís but itís a family tradition that I am involving my nephews and nieces in, so that they hear the stories of our families helping to settle the area in which we live.  I believe our past is as important as our future!

     
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cokieslittlegirl
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« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2009, 07:12:56 AM »

Seven, I believe you are right about time...It takes more or less I guess depending on the circumstances. But I just wonder, do you just suddenly wake up one day and realize you are living again and not stuck in the depression of the loss?

Pepper, I think I have accepted intellectually the fact that my Dad died. I watched it with my own eyes. In fact, I helped him die as peacefully and painless as possible. I know it's real, I was there.  My trouble, when I speak of acceptance, is accepting the fact that I will never talk to him again or see his face or feel his warm Daddy hugs.  It is this that I cannot seem to accept. The farther I move away timewise from his death, the more anxious I become - like it's all slipped thru my fingers.

Terri, thank you! I felt your hug. I am with you about feeling the healing power of nature. That was something my Dad instilled in me, the ability to love and respect its power and its purpose.  It IS healing, I just wish i had more time to embrace it.
 
Randy, I think that's wonderful that you are carrying on the tradition at the gravesites.  Our past is just as important as our future. If you think about it, we are truly dead once we are not remembered and forgotten. My Dad always taught me about our ancestry too. We have photos, letters, info etc on family dating back 6 or 7 generations. We would sometimes lie down on the floor and go thru the stuff and a special box with items like my great, great grandmothers favorite pen that she wrote with everyday, my GGGrandfathers watch, WWII stuff, and my Dad's things from his service in Vietnam.  These are things that shaped who they were as human beings and the pathway to our existance and they should not be forgotten. Smiley I wish more people would celebrate their families like this. People really are forgotten too soon. One day I will be too.
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MISSINGYOU
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« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2009, 10:46:15 AM »

cokie
I too watched my father die 4 months ago. He also had cancer and I also helped him die as he wanted. I am currently working on a scrapbook that is meant to celebrate Dads life. I have been missing him a lot as of late since it is hunting season and I would go out in the field before my kids were born. I also would talk hunting with him and get phone calls from him asking if he could spend the night. I miss everything you do cokie. I miss the big bear hugs, the smell of his skin, the way we joked together and many things. I try to remember his lessons and teach my children. My 4 year old talks about BePa a lot and says he is living on a star with his dog Casey and God. How great is that. She even picked out the star to show me. I kiss his pic everyday sometimes several times a day. We will always need our parents and I believe there is a bond between Dads and their daughters that is very different than bonds with Moms and their daughters. Both are special and both are very different. I can not ease your pain cokie and I am sorry for that. I can only tell you I understand the bond of which you speak and wish we could have it back. Hugs prayers God Bless

Elizabeth
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teppuM999
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« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2009, 06:28:44 AM »

i wonder this sometimes myself. people say that it will take time, but how much? sometimes i worry that i won't make it. sometimes i worry that i don't WANT to make it.
it's almost 4 months since matthew died, and i agree wih missing someone who you could trust absolutely. i've nevr had that before and i know i probably won't again.
it just calls the value of the rest of my life into question, i dunno.

but i do wonder if it is one of thos e things where you just wake up and realise you aren't sad anymore? i dunno how it works
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"Donít say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again. And youíll be here in my arms, just sleeping."
bluegrass1965
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« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2009, 07:36:54 AM »

Hi Cokie,
You don't have to move on until you feel ready to...everyone handles grief in their own way. If people are telling you that it is time to get on with your life, even if their statements are meant well, they are out of place. As long as you are able to function in everyday life (taking showers, going to work, getting enough sleep, eating okay), it is okay to still be grieving. If you are unable to take care of even basic needs of course that might indicate a need for professional help, but after losing my dad suddenly last month I can definitely imagine myself in your shoes 7-1/2 months out and even more than a year later. His death has left an enormous hole in the fabric of my life. My dad and I were also very close and although he had had some recent health issues, he walked almost every day, had a long to-do list for the day he died, and had things planned into next year. It seems impossible that he is gone, but he is.  I keep telling myself, "I'm not daddy's litle girl anymore" like it's the end of my childhood (I'm 44!)

You don't mention siblings, but one thing that bothered me was that my mine have handled things very differently than I have.  They took a week off, then continued to work, take care of kids, go to extra activities, etc. where I was barely functional. My grief therapist cautioned against measuring my way of grieving against anyone else's, even a sibling....since people are so different, the grief process is going to be different as well. It helped me a lot to hear that since I felt like I was a total mess. So definitely don't use anyone else's grief to gauge your own progress.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you.
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cokieslittlegirl
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« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2009, 06:52:36 AM »

Thanks blue grass, elizabeth and teppu.  It is interesting how other people think they know what is best for you in a situation they themselves have never been in.  When people ask how I am doing (which is rare anymore)...they ask in this careful little way like "please don't say you're not feeling good 'cause I don't know how to handle it"  I just reply, "Fine, thank you."  It's just easier that way and no one wants to really know the truth anyway.

I don't have siblings, bluegrass.  Only child. Don't know if that's helpful or not in this situation, but gathering from what others have said, I think I'm lucky to go this alone in some sense.  Siblings fighting over care of  loved one, their belongings, etc...at a time when family should bond...seems so crazy, but that's human nature I guess.  I think you got some good advice about not comparing yourself to others when greiving.

Also, the fact that I am an only child allowed me to have the relationship with my dad all to myself. I did not have to share him, he was all mine. I miss our talks so very much. Can't believe it's been this long since I've heard his voice.
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tsurandy
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« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2009, 01:20:47 PM »

Hi Cokie, moving on never has to happen if you are not ready!  I have changed some things in my life, like moving back to our hometown (but I moved to a house Mama and I had just bought and planned to live in) however for the most part my daily life is the same as if Mama were still here.   My siblings have all moved on, I am left with my memories and our dogs.  I understand how you feel,  I am not ready for life to be different!  My thoughts are with you.
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Peggy's Boy
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« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2009, 04:28:27 AM »

my siblings don't fight, they just don't talk. I am the only girl child in the family and have always been odd man out in many things. My brothers had a different relationship than I did with my father. Man to man and this is good. I just wish I had a sister to talk this out with a Mom is the only woman I have. I try very hard to follow her lead in discussions about dad. I don't want to burden her. When she gives me the opportunity, I cry with her. My scrapbook helps and hurts. It is a bitter sweet thing and I am celebrating his life. I need to stay postive dad always was. I want to make him proud

elizabeth
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