can't sleep

[teppuM999]

having a really bad couple of nights
i feel like i've been awake for 12 years
tomorrow is monday which means class, i just want to curl up in a ball and drop out of the rest of the world
leave it behind
my world is in such complete disarray, i don't know why i have to care about the big world outside
i don't think i CAN

dunno who else to talk to but you guys.
it's 4 a.m.

[mousewife]

Teppu,

So sorry you are suffering so. I've had many of those nights too.  I wish I could bind your wound and take the pain away. I keep all who are in pain on this site in my thoughts, and those who wish in prayer.  You aren't alone.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

[littleha]

I also have had a bad couple of nights. This AM got out of bed early in a panic just as on the the first morning after Cathy had died. Paced the house for about 15mins, went back to bed and read until it was time to get up for work. This has not happened to me except in the first week of my journey. Yesterday I had decided to put my wedding ring back on since I missed her very much but I think now that it was a mistake to do. The ring is now back on her chain with her band and charm hanging as I come in the house. When these feelings pop up I try and analyze them as to why so I can try and deal with them in the future. The only thing that comes to mind is a new first for me. Kids are back to school and fall is upon us shortly. The vacation period is now over. Business kicks into full gear again and the cold weather will again be among us. Made me feel dreary. Take care teppu Allan

[Jap Jr]

Teppu;

I am so sorry you are going through that; I remember doing the same thing, only I kept waking up at 3:30 am the time Jim passed away. I could not sleep, then up all night, then the alarm would go off to go to work. Most nights I'd fall asleep in Jim's chair in the TV room, wake up and think I'd been sleeping for hours, only to see it was maybe 30 minutes, and the cycle continued all night. Wanting to get up was and still is, a chore, but not as bad. I curled up, held Jim's picture and just cried and cried; lack of sleep didn't help. Then I'd go to work. I did not shower for weeks sometimes. Didn't wear makeup, didn't care how my hair looked. I manage a real estate office and guess what, I am the 1st person most see when they get there. But, again, I just didn't care. Took me several months to wear make up, want to shower, and go to work. I still have a very hard time in the mornings and going to bed at night. The tv is on EVERY night, to the sleep timer, so it goes off after I fall asleep.

The weekends were and are hard. That was "our" time; Jim left home at 5:30 am and got home about 6:30/7 pm; so weekends were ours. I dread them to this day still. But I am trying, I want to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Praying it starts to shine through one of these days.

I, like mousewife, do truly keep all of you in my thoughts/prayers everyday; to help with the pain, the hurting, the raw emotions we go through.

Hang in there teppu; this is still so fresh for you; wish I could give you hugs in person, but these will have to do ((( hugs ))). Just know that we do feel your pain and frustration.

Kay

[SoCal2010]

I have a hard time sleeping because I know the mornings are so dark for me, so it makes me stay up later.

I have thought about whether sleep medication would help, but in general I'm afraid of pills.

Has anyone tried that?

[sevenofwands]

I can understand your concerns about sleeping pills, SoCal.  The main problem being that they are addictive.  However, maybe the doctor could prescribe something "light" to tide you over for the moment.  I have never taken sleeping pills, but I know people who have taken something called "Stillnoct" and found it wasn't too "heavy".  Just a thought.

I hear about a herbal remedy called Nytol being touted a lot over here.  Might also be a possibility.

Seven

[teppuM999]

some people have had luck with melatonin spray (? melatonin, right?)
matthew used to use it when he was up too late

i have no tried sleeping pills because i honestly think i can't be trusted with them at the moment.

[littleha]

I went to see my doctor 2 days after Cathy died and he gave me anti-depressants and sleeping pills to tide me over. I did not take any of the sleeping pills as I hate to get up in the morning feeling as if I went out on a binge the night before. I took an anti-depressant and I was finally able to have a comfortable sleep of a couple of hours that afternoon for the first time in a couple of days. That was the only one I took. My doctor had told me to read something really boring and useless in bed but instead I started to read interesting novels again for the first time. That will put me to sleep after an hour. Anyone who can't sleep please try the reading in bed idea. I have never had a tv in the bedroom so there was never the option of losing myself to useless tv stuff. Allan

[Luvinmike]

I like your ideas Allan, I also read but i cannot focus on a novel yet. I read decent magazines, short stories, daily meditations and poetry, even cook books. I look forward to getting lost in a book again someday- I think my kids are still too demanding of my time. The good news is the kids are reading!


Teppu- how are you doing? I know the melatonin tablets (Over the counter) can be helpful but you have to take enough. Do you do any caffiene? I had to get rid of 98% of mine. I had a lot of sleep issues at your point and I have some bad nights now. i did do prescription meds for a couple months- then deliberately got off everything. I felt desperate trying to support my family on no sleep and I imagine your school committments feel like a huge load right now. I want you to know i care, it is so challenging- my heart aches for you- and i hope in time you will sleep more peacefully.
Terri

[littleha]

Terri I don't think it really matters what you read as long as it takes your mind away from circle of grief. I also read the newspaper everyday, magazines and a cookbook when looking for a new idea to try. The novels came along after Cathy died. It would ease my stress level and feeling of despair and hopelessness. Take care. Allan

[erinatkins]

I can so relate to this. I do not think I have slept more that 3 or 4 hours since my husband died. I know I am exhausted at times. I would be happy with 5 hours at this point.