It's been only seven months since I lost my precious sister Jacquelyn.
My wedding was a few weeks ago, and it was extremely difficult to get through, especially considering she was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids. I wanted to cancel or postpone the wedding, but my parents were very much against that. I felt somewhat forced into the decision...I put on a fake smile to get through all the necessary crap like finding a dress without her, picking out flowers without her, etc...and then I'd come home and cry.
We still had her bridesmaid bouquet made, and had it placed on a pedestal right before the ceremony, up front with the other girls. Walking down the aisle, and seeing my future husband smiling made me so happy, and then looking at that bouquet, made me want to just burst into tears because I wanted her there so very badly and its not fair.
I still frequently get those, "let me call her to see what she's up to" moments... they're still really painful.
What I wouldn't give...to see her smiling face again.
I'm glad that I got through this, for the sake of my husband and family, but at the same time, a big part of me didn't want to go through with it at all. I just still feel like any sort of celebration is just so wrong and unnatural.
I hope I made the right decision.
I love you, and miss you more than anything... and I hope that you were watching and there with us.