Author Topic: Losing support  (Read 6665 times)

Pete (UK)

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Losing support
« on: July 19, 2009, 08:21:04 AM »
Hi everyone, I'm a bit of a stranger to the website these days. I've been trying very hard to do what I can to get out from under the weight of my bereavement, with a small measure of success.

I think I need to write some stuff down so that I can read it back to discover how far I've come. Does that make sense? I first joined this wonderful site the week my wife died in June 2008, already a lifetime away.
The support, advice, empathy and understanding I received from contributors to 'webhealing', was, after the natural and powerful bond with my children, the most robust raft that kept me from drowning, psychologically speaking. Within two weeks I was contacted via email by a fellow-contributor who seemed to have a deep understanding of my pain. She helped me enormously, and in many ways I must admit, she kept me alive.

As with all of us, there has been much drama, soul-searching, navel-gazing, home-truths, revelations, upsets, frictions, and expressions of love and care along the way. In a nutshell, I've had a half-dozen really viciously bad times; inconsolable grief after a month or so, the same at about three months, an illness at Christmas which I thought might finish me off, and an unfortunate accident in that it almost took me back to Day One! I seem to have survived all these, and I forced myself to be honest (as I am doing now), and to admit that it has got a little easier. After thirteen months I am accepting that my life has changed forever and I must either stay in the past and die inside or attempt to move on in this insufferable semi-misery, taking little bites at happiness when I can. It would be a terrible slap to the memory of my dearest friend and greatest love if I gave up. Back in November, as I've described before, I travelled to Scotland with my son and daughter to commit a portion of my wife's ashes to the beautiful grounds of 'Sweetheart Abbey' in Dumphrieshire, Scotland being the last love in life that my wife, Heather, discovered, and as a homage to her insistence whilst dying in the hospice, that we would all return to Scotland as soon as she left her sick-bed.
The venture was a romantic wish to ease our pain and re-bond, and it was successful.
On the anniversary of her death, the three of us threw a further handful each of her remains to the wind blowing out to sea from Southsea in Hampshire on the south coast of England. This was an amazing revelation: my pain lessened and we all found a strange and unexpected joy in our actions, perhaps this was the 'closure' we sought? Part Three, the final committment came when by chance, we all happened to be at the Glastonbury Festival a couple of weeks ago, when we released a Chinese Fire Lantern containing the last remnants of ashes to the skies in the early hours of the morning from the hill above the festival, after the Bruce Springsteen gig (our favourite performer). I'd love to share the moment with you, and if you care to enter 'Fire Lantern For Het' on Youtube, you can see the little video made by my son's partner.

I thought I was doing well, but underlying everything is the fact that most of my life is acted-out, but that's better than appearing as distressed as I am in actuality.

This posting is purely to outline my current hopeless unhappiness that I now seem to have lost the support of my constant email friend, whom I met on Webhealing. I do in fact feel a similar amount of bereavement in losing her as I've been experiencing every day since 6th June 2008.. She has her own problems and I respect that she may not need me as much as I need her, still. I do hope she might read this one day and contact me. I've tried everything to get in touch with her and I feel lost once again, one of my strongest supports apparently faded into the endless procession of time and trials.

I know I will survive this, I am a relatively normal human, and I expect to carry on albeit with the major part of my heart and sensitivities absent.

I apologise for this dreary, down-beat message, I know I need to learn to make it on my own somehow, but it is so very hard.

Nothing more to say, except that I feel like I'm moving through a desert of lost warmth, just hoping I can one day find a way to come alive again. I will make it, I'm not a quitter, but I know many times I'll think about giving-up, (if I just knew how).

Thanks for your patience if you've read this, and thanks for always being there webhealing, I wouldn't be here writing this if it wasn't for you all,

Regards to all who might remember me,

Love and regards,
Pete (UK)
PS: Please, Sheila, do get in touch with me again!

kevinjj

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2009, 01:44:13 PM »
Its good to see you again, Pete. The anniversary was hard on you I know from my own experience. I know it seemed I lost a fair amount of support during the grief process, that it didn't last too long. I was doing all I could and reaching out and engaging life as much as I could and it helped but at times it just seemed I was forgotten. Im not bitter over that or resentful and I guess it is just a part of the process we are in and going through. Im fighting some major health issues now and it is sort of like grief in many respects and at times it seems support wanes but I don't let it bottom me out because I do have support and that is what counts. It is always good to get a response on these posts or a private message too and this is a valuable resource for us all. I'm thinking of you Pete - your friend in grief, Kevin.

laurenE

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2009, 05:39:17 PM »
Pete,

I do remember you and I am glad to hear you have survived the horrible anniv dates.  I just hate them too.     

I'm sorry that you have lost your email support.  As someone once said to me,  there are friends we keep forever,  and friends that are only meant to be there for just a little while, to get us through a certain situation.   Perhaps this is one of those situations.   

The "problem"with having such close friends in grief sometimes, is that we all heal at different levels and different time tables.  For the one who has healed, staying here may keep them stuck in their past pain.  When one grows away,  the other feels abandoned in the midst of his or her healing.    Thats painful in and of itself.   We need people to get us through, yet it hurts to lose them.   What a catch 22.

I dont remember a Shelia being here,  and have not seen anyone by that name here.   I hope she is ok and has just moved on in her healing instead of suffering in silence with more pain.    And I hope you find another good supportive friend to help you along the way and  that you will always be thankful for the help and healing she brought you though this past yr.

lauren

Pete (UK)

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2009, 12:13:27 AM »
Kevin/Lauren:

Thanks for your response. I'm sure it's true, Sheila was there for me when I needed her the most. I've mislaid her telephone number and have had no success with emails. I'll be writing a good old-fashioned letter this week!
It does worry me a bit that I can't find out if she's okay.
I realise now, I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with my emotions, and it has been quite painful this last couple of weeks managing my emotions on my own. Maybe that's what I need to do? Bereavement is a very lonely place at times.

Good to know you are both still there, seeing the familiar names gives me a warm feeling and takes the edge off of my usual cold emptiness on this bright sunny Monday morning.

Best wishes for your future happiness and peace,

Pete

sevenofwands

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2009, 07:03:46 AM »
Hello Pete:

I was reading your post, and so sorry you have been experiencing these difficult moments.   But you also show great strength and purpose, as you forge ahead with life. 
I don't remember a Sheila here either, but perhaps that was her real name and not the name she had on the board.  As Lauren says, people move on, or something happens in their life, requiring all their attention.  You have many online friends here. 

Do continue to post, Pete.  And let tomorrow be a better day.

All the best
Seven

Jap Jr

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2009, 11:46:47 AM »
Pete;

Nice to see you back and so sorry to hear you are hurting so much. I have heard the l yr anniversay date is very difficult; it will be 8 months tomorrow that I lost Jim, and some days seems like yesterday. So my 1 yr anniversary date is November 21st. I am thinking (maybe this is too far ahead) of getting the family together to go to the cemetery and having a huge spaghetti and garlic bread dinner at the house after - Jim loved spaghetti/garlic bread (had to have both! one is not good without the other he would say). It's the memories that hurt so bad.

I DID go to the video and watched it first. It brought instant tears to my eyes; how beautiful to just watch it rise and what an awesome tribute the 3 of you going to Scotland. And a side note; I have never seen Bruce Springsteen, but have always wanted to!

On Memorial Day, there was a Program at the VA Cemetery where Jim is buried and I let a balloon go for him, and watched it until I could no longer; and you are right, there is some kind of peaceful feeling to that. It's almost like they will be able to "reach it". Have you heard of the movie "UP"? If not, I might recomend you see it, or look on line for the write up about it; its is supposed to be a childs movie, but more adults are going to it.

I didn't think I would be saying this, but I have had a good day now and then. I still cry everyday - everyday there is something that reminds me of Jim and us. I have forced myself to get out and not always wanting to. Sometimes I feel funny so I leave. Sometimes I wonder if I am putting myself through unnecessary pain.

Don't know what is right or wrong anymore with this new life; I do know that I hate it. I feel lost, cheated, like I don't belong here or there. Seeing other couples bothers me alot, I still have a real hard time with that.

This site has been a life saver for me, also. The posts and people on here have done so much for me that I could never put it into words to express the gratitude and being patient.

Pete, keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. As the others said, maybe Sheila is not here to be found again, and she was able to help you through what she could at the time. We are here!

Peace, comfort, and strength to help you through these difficult days. 

((( HUGS )))

Kay

Donna B.

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2009, 03:51:28 PM »
Hi Pete, watched the youtube video 'Fire Lantern for Het'. Just beautiful, loved it. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I know how you feel though about forming emotional ties on this website. I have done the same. I wish the best for you Pete. May you find some peace. Thinking of you. Donna

Luvinmike

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2009, 03:32:02 AM »
Dear Pete;
Thinking of you, loved the lantern video, and glad you had an adventure with your kids in Glastonbury. Hope this note finds you well and I wish you many moments of peace. I agree with you that grief can be a lonely place. Take care of yourself,
Terri

georgiapeaches

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2009, 04:16:42 PM »
Hi Pete,
glad to see your back, always wishing you well. sending you ((((hugs)))))and prayers.

georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

mousewife

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2009, 06:51:13 PM »
Hi Pete,

I think we all remember you.  It's good to hear from you again.  I too am sorry that you are feeling a loss of your supportive friend.  But, you are still strong because you are still here doing your best under painful circumstances.  That deserves recognition!

Peace and healing,
mousewife

Pete (UK)

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2009, 01:34:48 PM »
Thanks to everyone who replied, it's lovely too see the familiar names.
I'm overjoyed that I plucked-up courage on Monday to phone Sheila and found out she's had ongoing problems with her internet connection! So I still have that one very strong support from my great friend in the south! I feel so relieved and it's made this week so much better for me. I'm going to a BBQ with all the young ones on Friday, so I'm really looking forward to the weekend, God bless you all,

Catcha later!

Pete (UK)

lostwithouthim

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Re: Losing support
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2009, 01:53:16 PM »
Pete,

Now I am trying to get in touch with you and so far with no success. So I have logged back in to Web healing to find you. I see you haven't been on here in quite a while either.  However I will keep emailing until you respond. As I have proven in the past , I CAN BE QUITE THE PAIN REAR ONCE I DECIDE TO DO SO.

My brother's B-day has came and went. He should be 40. I should have been able to really pick on him for turning the BIG 4 - 0.


Sheila