Hi everybody, I hope you are all doing as well as you can be.
I am just so frustrated. It has been 5 months since my mom passed away and I feel like I am just going in circles. I have been seeing a counselor and just when I start to make some progress, I get into a funk again and feel like I am back to square one. My issue is anxiety that somebody else I love will die too, especially from cancer, as I don't think I can deal with that again. I have been working very hard to deal with that anxiety with my counselor, but just when it is under control I start to get the panic attacks again ... she says this is normal, but it is just sooo frustrating.
The few days where I feel normal are days where I am not near my parents house or my family and I can pretend that things are alright. Then I go and visit my dad and am in their house and all the memories come pouring back. I love my dad and know he needs me, but it is so hard to be in that house that my sisters and I grew up in. Her stuff is still there and it just feels like something is never right when I am there and my mom is not. I feel guilty for not wanting to visit because it sends me into my depression/anxiety again. I love my dad and I want to be there for him more than anything, but it can be so hard to be with my sisters and him and not have my mom there because then it is there, in my face, that she is not here and I can't pretend anymore that things are normal.
I know that denial is a defense mechanism, and I am not always in denial. Sometimes my mind and body just needs it to take a vacation from this grief.
So the next two weeks will be tough and I will need to be with my family to help each other get through. This weekend there is a benefit concert in honor of my mom (she was a choir director for years and years, my sisters and I were also in the choir with her) and we are going. They are doing all of the songs my mom conducted over the years. Then next weekend is my parents' wedding anniversary. I am wondering from anybody out there - Do you think my dad would rather be alone that day? I think I am just going to call him and ask him if he wants company and if not, I understand and am only a phone call away if he needs me. Does that sound like the best way to handle it? It will be an awful day for him.
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble ... sometimes it just feels good to talk to somebody that is not close to me because I always feel guilty talking to my family, I don't want t make them sadder.