Author Topic: Where I am now  (Read 3208 times)

MommysPreciousAngel

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Where I am now
« on: April 02, 2009, 04:48:04 AM »
Hello to all of you, it's been some time since I've last written - 17 November last year, to be exact.  The 4 month mark of my loss.  I see there are lots of new people, all with their own pain and suffering.  Their topic subjects jumped out of the page at me, hitting me in the heart like little bullets and I was tempted to flee, but didn't.  No more running. 

I have learnt that no matter how far you run, you cannot outrun the things life brings your way.  You cannot outrun the things you've done wrong and you cannot outrun your pain.  You just get more and more tired and somewhere along the line you're going to lose the race. 

For those that don't know my story, here's a quick explanation...

Last year on 17 July 2008 I lost my mom.  She died in her bed.  At age 52 a blood clot to her heart ended her life.  I was 8 months pregnant at the time with my daughter and my mom was my best friend.
My daughter was born on my mom's birthday.   

In the weeks and months that followed I suppose I had very normal feelings and reactions.  My daughter's arrival was scheduled for my mom's birthday and I didn't want to bring about an early arrival, so I stayed calm and told myself that soon, soon I could grieve and shed the tears that were flooding my heart.  I just had to get through my daughters' arrival first.

And I did.  But then there was the new baby and I told myself that soon, soon I would deal with the loss of my mom and cry those tears that were still flooding my heart - darned near to bursting by that time.   And then I started a new job and still I could not just grieve. 

 For about three months I went around in a dumbstruck haze, barely aware of what was going on around me, just going through the motions.

And the times I was tempted to talk about my mom I noticed the awkwardness and wariness of the people around me and I couldn't stand it, so I stopped trying to talk. 

And everywhere I went I saw mothers and daughters together and was jealous and hurt.  So I stopped looking around.

And when I stopped looking around and stopped noticing other people, I effectively shut myself out. 

I didn't want to open up incase more pain came my way, but effectively I was shutting the pain I already carried inside of me.  And it had nowhere to go.  It ate into my heart, into my mind, it weakened my body.

In a few short weeks I became a shell of the person I used to be.  I did not feel the need to talk, I could not find the energy to laugh or smile.  The only thing I had energy for was anger.  Anger helped minimise the feeling of being about to explode.  I no longer felt the need to cry.  Fake it till you make it - I applied it eagerly and walked around behind my blank facade.  Impenetrable.  Immune.

And this built up and built up as the 6 month mark drew nearer and I realised that my mom had been gone 6 months.  Half a year.  Each 'anniversary' had been tough - 1 week, 1 month, 2 months...but 6 months was the worse for me.  From trying to remember everything, to being scared I'd forget things, to suddenly having memories crowd my mind unbidden, down to tiny details I'd long since forgotten, my mind just never let me rest.    There were the nightmares too. 

I was feeling ill - getting dizzy, nauseous, chest pains, body aches, sleeping badly, headaches, forgetfulness.   I went to the doctor thinking I had something seriously wrong - and he put me on anti depressants.

The six month mark arrived.  I over indulged.  In a few things.  I felt rotten the next day and the day thereafter.  And the day after that.  And then I slowly started to realise that if it went on like that I'd never make it.  I had lain in bed writing good bye notes to my loved ones in my mind, explaining why I had to do this, that there was no joy in my life anymore, that even the things that were meant to give me joy, like my kids, weren't making that much difference to me.  I had stopped caring. 

And then, a small glimmer of light from somewhere deep and forgotten.  I WANTED to get better, I wanted to go on, to be a good mom and the friend that everyone loved.  More importantly, I missed myself.  I missed myself alot. 

I had made two friends on this site, but one has been particularly close, if not for her, I'd have never have gotten this far.  She doesn't write anymore on here either.   But we write nearly every day.  Her six month mark is approaching and knowing what I went through, I want to be there for her. 

And so I started looking at my life and realising there was alot that had to change.  That it was time to seek help.  And I did that.  I found a councillor who I could speak to.  I've been to her twice and people have noticed the change.  We've hardly touched on the subject of my mother yet, but just knowing that she's there and we are getting there has helped so much.  I couldn't talk to people I knew, just couldn't do it.  But this stranger who knows the right questions and says the right things in the right voice is such a comfort to me.  She asked me how I felt and I said, "I miss her" and felt some of the weight lessen in my chest.  Nothing bad happened.  I said it outloud.  I admitted that I am not as strong as I thought, that I hurt and hurt badly and that admitting it didn't make me weak or silly.

Being able to open up to her a bit made me more able to open up to other people about other things.  I'd been shut up for so long that nothing had been able to escape.  Not even small things that had nothing to do with my mom.  And the more I brought these things out the better I started feeling. 
It's hard work.  It's not easy.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I know I have a long journey ahead and so many issues and feelings still to deal with.  The one year mark still lies ahead.  And I miss her so much, words cannot say.  But I'll be okay, because she taught me like that, and she would not want this for me. 

I still have my life and I want it to be happy, I need it to be happy.  That dark hole I found myself in is an awful place.  It's not life, it's not death, it's just dark. 

I've started to realise that it's up to me to change things - well, maybe I always knew that, but didn't have the will nor the energy to do it, but this new burst of strength and determination will have to be enough to carry me.  I've taken steps to do away with the things that make me unhappy, to pull people up if they say things that I don't like, to demand the respect, to take my life in the direction of my choosing, not drift along to be washed up on a shore in strange territory.  I find myself caring again.   

Oh, my heart still hurts, it's still heavy and there are days....

Without warning over the weekend one of my mom's favourite songs played on the radio and memories assailed me.  It felt as if my whole body ached with rememberance and I felt hot and dizzy and all my joints felt stiff.  I was in the car next to my husband and rode this wave of pain without him even knowing.  I could say it was probably the worst pain I'd felt since I lost her - because I let myself feel it, from when it hit, till when it subsided.  I didn't force it down, I didn't try to run.  And I was still intact afterwards. 

There are so many complexities to losing someone you love, and I cannot begin to claim to be an expert at how to deal with this.  I only know what I went through.  There are ups and downs.  Times of pain, times of numbness, times of anger, times of hopelessness.  Dark days.  Dark nights.  Seemingly endless and relentless.

I believe now though, I have to believe - that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how unlikely that seems. 

Don't wilt too long in the dark when the sun is waiting to shine on you again.  Make the changes necessary to your life so that you can move on and be stronge, healthy and happy person again. 

I still have this site to thank for being there that night I needed it most, or I more than likely might not have been sitting here right now.  Who knows.  I never thought I'd be in this situation of desperation and depression.  I am not like that.  But we cannot prepare for how we will react to these situations until they happen.  You are not weak if you cannot fix yourself.  You are not weak if you admit you were knocked down lower than you ever thought you could be.

Good luck to all of you on your journey to recovery.   And thank you again to all of you who were there when I needed you.

Love Tammy

xxx
« Last Edit: April 02, 2009, 04:58:59 AM by MommysPreciousAngel »
Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but the moments take our breath away.

georgiapeaches

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Re: Where I am now
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2009, 04:57:49 AM »
Hi Tammy,
Glad to see your back, sorry for the reasons, but atleast we can all help eachother.

georgia.
MOM                        JOHNNY
 

sevenofwands

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Re: Where I am now
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2009, 05:00:19 AM »
Hello Tammy:

That is a beautiful post.  Wonderful. I so loved reading it.  You have been through a real dark night, and I am so glad you found that counsellor to help you.  It makes a huge difference to speak with someone who is trained to listen, who knows what to say and ask you.   

You said: "Don't wilt too long in the dark when the sun is waiting to shine on you again.  Make the changes necessary to your life so that you can move on and be stronge, healthy and happy person again. "

There is much wisdom in your post too, Tammy.

You said: "I have learnt that no matter how far you run, you cannot outrun the things life brings your way.  You cannot outrun the things you've done wrong and you cannot outrun your pain.  You just get more and more tired and somewhere along the line you're going to lose the race. "

All the very best and so glad to see you again.
Seven



MommysPreciousAngel

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Re: Where I am now
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2009, 11:47:26 PM »
Thank you, Seven & Georgia for your messages.
I guess I felt bad for being absent for so long from this site, that offered me so much comfort when I needed it, and then I selfishly hid away and didn't offer comfort in return.
I think I just wanted to pretend for a while, but I know the time for pretending is long since past.
I have been trying to read and catch up on people's stories and how everyone is doing, but there are so many new ones...
Good luck to all of you, remember you are not alone.
Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but the moments take our breath away.

laurenE

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Re: Where I am now
« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2009, 01:03:11 PM »
theres always a light at the end of the tunnel.   Sometimes it just takes awhile to see its glimmer.

welcome back