New member

[genesbabydoll]

I just discovered this site and thought it sounded like it just might be worth taking a chance on.  I lost my husband 4 months ago.  Sometimes I think I am dealing with everything alright and sometimes I think I am losing my sanity. 
Gene was my world, he and our marriage were my priorities.  He was my best friend and the only person I ever completely trusted and allowed to see my inner self.  I met him when I was 17 years old and we were together for over 27 years.  We were not able to have children, so we were each other's family.  He had children from previous marriage.  We worked together, we were together 24/7.  He had retired at the end of June, and I was going to quit for medical reasons in Mid-August.  We had many plans for our "retirement" and he would email several times a day after he was staying home to tell me how he couldn't wait for me to be at home with him.  In mid-July, he went for a interview on his disability.  At this interview he had to walk quite a distance, this was very difficult for him.  By the time we got home that day, he was too weak to climb the stairs.  For the next week, he gradually began to regain his strength.  Then on Tuesday night, he asked me to take him to the ER.  Gene had not been in a hospital since the early 70's, so I knew he was seriously not feeling well.  When we arrived at the ER, he couldn't tell them why he was there, just that he had a feeling he should be.  They found his oxygen levels very low and began giving him oxygen.  For the next day and a half, they administered breathing treatment to him to level out his oxygen and told me that he would have to wear a mask at home when he slept and possibly some during the day but they indicated no real concern for his recovery.  On that second day, his body gave out and he just stopped breathing, following the code blue, he was comatose.  July 24 til Sept 14 was spent trying to wake him up, and make him aware and responsive.  Some days he was, some days he wasn't.  It was a roller coaster of extreme highs and lows.  Sept. 14 at 1:30 pm we lost him to other health issues that developed including septic shock and blood clots.  Because of his extended stay at the hospital, a part of me is having a hard time accepting that he is really gone and that this is not just a temporary situation.  I still find myself start to say something to him or look toward his favorite chair expecting to see him or wondering what he is doing, and have to remind myself he is gone.  16 years ago his son was killed in a car accident.  Gene was the one thing that got me thru that experience.  Because of that, I have been afraid to fully allow myself to experience this, I don't know that I could handle it and facing it scares me.  So, when the pain does become overwhelming, I find I distract myself to avoid it.  I know I need to feel it, I just don't know how to make myself do that.  How do I face that he is really gone?

[Jeanneb]

Genesbabydoll,

While I am glad that you found us, I am very sorry that you have a reason to be here.  I know that you must be in so much pain with missing your  husband.

I hope as you are able that you will come back and post and invite you to post on the main board.  There are many there who walk this journey with you.  There are loving, caring people who truly understand how you feel.  It is a good place to post your thoughts and know that you are not alone.

Again, I am just so very sorry for the loss of your husband.

Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister

[grainofsand]

genesbabydoll~

In the beginning we do live is such a surreal world.  We know on a conscience level what death means, but somehow on a deeper level, sometimes we have that small bit of hope that it isn't true.  I remember once the phone ringing and my first thoughts were "Oh I bet that is Fred, he probably doesn't want to be dead anymore".  Soon enough the reality sets in.

It is all part of the process of us 'accepting' it and evolving into our 'new normal'.
Post here often, get your feelings out, share with us your Gene.  We are all in this together.

[georgiapeaches]

Genesbabydoll,
I'm so sorry for your loss, I also loss my husband and it just doesnt seem real. I leaned on him for everything. I cant even look at his picture for a really long time because I feel like if I do I might break. The same thing happens when I look at my mothers picture. Its very hard and it takes alot of time. We are all here for you, so I hope you come back and post alot. Anything you want to say, even if you just want to vent, ramble on whatever, thats what we are here for. I hope you can find peace.

Georgia.

[Judy, Dougie's Mom]

I am so very sorry for your loss and a glad that you found us. 

This journey is like no other, it is full of every emotion possible.  I too felt like I was losing my mind and sometimes I think I really did. Everything was so confusing and nothing made sense.  Grief is hard work and it is constant work.  I remember being told it would get "softer" and it has....but it took time, so be very gentle with yourself.

 My grief has changed but the missing has not.

It is one moment at a time.

Sending strength

Judy

"MAKANA LIVES"
forever in my heart

[Jap Jr]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I also am a  new member today. I feel your pain. Jim and I were not married yet; was to happen this year 2009. He was diagnosed in August 2008 and passed away November 21, 2008 from cancer (he had colon cancer surgery about 6 years ago). Did not expect it; went to the ER, and 12 hours later - he never came home. It is so overwhelming, that I don't know how I can go on. I just started going to a grief group; some say it is to early, but I have to do what I feel is right for me to get through this; it hurts so much everyday. My emotions are on a giant rollercoaster. It is all I can do each day to get out of bed; I cry going to bed, I cry waking up, and that pit in my stomach. I, too, will think I hear Jim say something, or the phone rings and says he's on his way home. Or I get an email; we did that alot. I find I want to call him and say HI, how is your day. I will pray for you and all that are on this site; may be help each other in our own way.

[Karen Paul]

Genesbabydoll

I'm so sad to hear about your husband. 4 months is really not a long time at all.. "reality" is just starting to set in as the "shock" starts to wear thin.. please be good to yourself. Of course you are not going crazy, you are just grieving the loss of your sweet husband, you are just grieving my friend.. it is such a lonely journey..

I remember when my nephew died (hit and run 2003). I remember about 2 weeks later his mom said it was the longest she had gone without speaking to him, which I'm sure was true for my brother as well (his dad). The physical, emotional and psychological separation of death is so hard to fathom - I think our bodies only let us feel it a little at a time, otherwise I'm quite sure it would kill us on the spot. Sometimes it feels like it will anyway, yet somehow we survive.. and little by little.. we cope and find a way to incorporate our loves into our new lives in different ways, so they are remembered and we can function and move forward.. but it does not happen over night and there is alot of back and forth along the way..

Please be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself and do what you need to do to keep your husband alive in you..

Jap Jr  - I'm sorry to hear about your husband too. Such a sudden and unexpected death can leave us breathless for a very long time.. I think it took me years to be able to breathe again after my nephew died at 16 yrs old from a hit and run driver.. please do take care of you too.. only you will know if the grief group is right for you at this point - I remember going to a Compassionate Friends meeting with Chris' mom about 4 mos after his death - for us it was too early -too hard to hear everyone else's stories - but not for everyone - every one is different and I do hope you find it comforting and helpful..


luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher