I can really relate to you. Last December 19th, my son Cory died. Doing all I can to make it through this Christmas.
Here's a little history of my last year.
Last November, my mother fell and broke her hip. Dec. Cory left me. Went back home to Florida to make arrangements. New Years eve, my brother ended up in the hospital for a week with an amputation. (This was the day after we got home from moving Cory's apartment). In April, my mother almost died from a bowel obstruction and going into septic shock. My daughter who lives in Slidell, La. and her children developed asthma from the mold in their rented house from Hurricaine Katrina. In October, moved my mother-in-law up from our home in Florida, put the home on the market and now she's living here with us at my mothers. Mom needs care as she is now in a wheelchair. Like I said, I'm really forcing myself through this holiday without my son. At 2:00 this morning I heard a sharp knock on the bedroom door. Opened it, and there was my mother on the floor. She fell again and now has tremendous pain in her leg. Keeping her in bed with ice and elevation. Hoping it's not broken. This is the same side as the broken hip but it doesn't seem to be hurting in the hip area.
I was just sitting here thinking "why". It's seems every holiday that comes, there's some trauma happening. Everytime things seem to get a little bit better, there's another setback. Even foolish thoughts like "what have I done to be punished like this" go through my mind. This life is getting so hard. I'm the one everyone relies on but how much more can I give? Getting through Dec. 19th and the holidays was more than I can handle.
Like you, I miss holding and talking to my son. Cory was 30 years old with a wife and two beautiful kids. He was my heart. Now I feel like I just exist.
Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get this out.