What Now?

[Sarah49]

I am still numb and not at all sure where to start.  My husband of 30 years downloaded child porn on a work computer and was arrested.  I immediately left him.  He looked at me and lied about the whole thing.  He had been becoming increasingly hostile over the past few years and I had gotten to the point where I feared for my life.  The divorce is now final and he is in prison.  Over the past few years I have lost several family members to various illnesses.  My sister and I care for our elderly mother who is no longer able to live alone.   I have to be strong to continue with my job and caring for her, but it is very hard.  I think it would have been easier if he had died. but what he did was intentional, malious, and unnecessary.  I don't want to be a burden to my already overtaxed family so I pretend everything is alright.  The truth is that I feel very depressed and alone and don't know how much longer I can continue to give an Emmy winning performance.  There is no one that I can be honest with.  In the first week after leaving my husband, I became severely depressed and was taken to a doctor who wanted to put me in a hospital.  If I tell anyone how I feel that is where I will wind up and without insurance that would be financially disasterous and there would be no one to keep mom my half of the time.   I feel I am on a rollercoaster with no control over anything. 

[grainofsand]

Sarah49~

It is a full time job to be strong..isn't it. 
You shouldn't think of yourself as a burden to your family, as you are a vital part of it, and sometimes we don't get to choose when we need help. 

Depression is very hard to crawl out of on your own.  I hope you can find some means of support.  I think there are a lot of us that know if we told someone our true feelings...they would lock us up and throw away the key!  If you are in danger of harming yourself or others, then you really should consider being under a Dr's care. 

Sometimes life just isn't fair...and for some reason or another, it is more difficult to move forward.  But you can move forward. Hang in there, find support here.  You will be in my prayers. 

[Autumn Leaves]

This is a difficult situation but you have to accept that he is the one responsible for his actions and has to pay the consequences. You shouldn't assume any responsibility for him or his actions.
I have a friend who is a teacher who's husband, also a teacher, is serving time for molesting some students. She also divorced him and went through a difficult time with the emotional fall-out.
Another friend did something incredibly stupid (stealing from her government employer for a year by creating and paying bogus employees then cashing the pay checks) and she was just sentenced to prison for fourteen years - leaving her ailing husband to fend for himself. As she also involved two of her three daughters (and her son is in prison for murder) and their trial is coming up soon, he's got some major problems.
You could ask your family for help when you need it. You definitely need to be able to talk to someone about what you're feeling and what you're going through. You definitely are grieving the life you had, the life you lost, the person you used to be married to.
As for medical assistance, you can check with your city or county mental health department to see if they can provide assistance. Sometimes there are support groups for people who have family members in prison. Without insurance, treatment will be more difficult to obtain but there are options available. Of course, it depends on where you live and if you're in a small town but most governments offer some kind of assistance.
There are also on-line sites such as this where you can expose your feelings to people who will understand and who can provide support.
I will be thinking of you.

[Sarah49]

Thank you GrainOfSand and Autumn Leaves,

I guess I was hoping that putting something into words would make me feel better.  I know that this is one of those situations where you just have to hold on until the ride is over, but it has been very hard.  Thanks for the support.

[lostwithouthim]

SARAH~~

If you can not tell anyone in your family or your friends how you feel. Then please continue coming here and telling us what you feel.
I am sure you are in a very difficult place in life. Your husband obviously had some issues . Those issues are his not yours. Don't let or allow yourself to in anyway feel responsible for his actions. That was all him and his own sickness.
Sending a prayer of comfort your way. Please receive it with open arms.

[laurenE]

Sarah,

Wow.   I am truly sorry for all that you are going through.   I wish that your family was more supportive,  but I am assuming they are not since you say you have to put on an act for them. 

  Its ok to let your guard down when you need to.  Its ok to act like you are doing ok when you need to do that as well.   Its ok to be who you need to be at any given moment.   give yourself permission to feel, cry, and talk about all that you are going thru.     

Please know that what your husband did was not your fault.  I know someone who thougth she wasnt a good enough wife when her husband did that.   You are a good enough wife... he has an illness,  an illness that you can not cure or prevent no matter what kind of wife you are.   I hope you already know that.  I pray you dont blame yourself.   

Im glad you found us.  I hope you continue to come back and vent, cry, and journal to us.  We're here for you.

Lauren

[Sarah49]

Thank you for your encourgement.  My family are really not bad people, I didn't mean to insinuate that.  I guess we have just all gone through so much, I don't feel I have a right to add to the burden.  They really don't understand and I know that isn't their fault either.   They feel I should be able to just forget it all and move on, but I am still very overwhelmed and increasingly sad. 

I know what my x husband did was not my fault.  In the beginning I asked myself what I could have done different.  Perhaps I should have realized what he was doing sooner, but I know that this is his problem.   I hope he is sick.  The alternative to that would be that he is just a monster.  I don't wish him any ill will, I just can't be part of his life anymore.  There are people here who won't speak because they were so apalled at what he did and I guess they just assume I must have known.  Then there are people in his family who are angry at me because I left him over what they consider to be trivial.  He has lied to many people who have chosen to believe him that he really didn't do anything.  He wants people to believe that he was unjustly convicted, and some of his family are unable to accept the truth.  I am fearful that when he gets out he might hurt one of our grandchildren.  My daughter cannot accept that he is dangerous.  She says he is sick and just needs our help.  She says if he had cancer she wouldn't abandon him and she can't now.  I am afraid that she does not realize how much rage he has inside and what he is capable of doing.  He had changed so much in the last few years.  Into a person I didn't know and couldn't trust.   

[eric]

Enough of the plastic (EMMY) face. Family and friends are just that family and friends. You will not be over taxing them if there truly care about you. You have been thru a lot there is no doubt. But you cannot take everything n your shoulders. Are you a Christian, do you have faith in God? He is the one that will pull you thru this. Without him you will continue to wonder what is next. If you cannot talk with family or friends contact a local pastor and talk with him or her and ask what they think they are always able to point you in the right direction, find others that you can talk to that are professionals. There is help out there in many shapes and forms. It just takes the ability to ask for it! God Bless you, you are still on this earth for a reason because he loves you and is only a conversation away talk to him ask him what to do!

[Sarah49]

Thanks Eric,

I am a Christian and that is all that has held me together through this ordeal.  I pray several times a day and have tried to seek God's will for my life.  I just don't feel a direction.  My pastor says it will come when the time is right.  As for professional help, I don't feel I could be honest without being hospitalized, which would only make the situation much worse.   

[Geraldine]

Sarah I can understand how you find it hard to talk to anyone close to you and also how you cannot go to hospital.

Perhpas you may want to visit the site below, there are a lot of good advises and also a lot of poeple like yourself you can talk to without any fear of being judge or even known :

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forums.html

Hope it can be of help

[May1979]

Hey Sara,

even though I don't personally know what your going through I am here to listen...my husband also has some issues with the internet. NOTHING invloving child pornography but, other women etc...its really tough trying to out the mask of wonderful on every day when you feel as if you are going to just break into a million peices every minute of every day.
I think people who have no concept on how to treat other people have no clue on how what they do affect everyone who cares for them. As if they don't see it for what it truly is, someone caring about them with no strings attached.
perhaps because they had never gotten that feeling from anyone before or maybe something festering inside that you, myself, or someone else in similar situations could never understand.
Regardless we NEED to help one another rise up from the ashes and drag through each day until it no longer becomes a struggle.
I have learned that you shouldn't have to try to love someone everyday or try to make them love you...I break myself here some days bending over backwards for someone who doesn't deserve it. At least in your current situation you are caring for your mother, and I can't think of a more rewarding person to be cared for by their loved ones. I truly believe that this is why you get up in the day Sara, you know she needs you and you know that you need to be there.
It will get easier with time but, you also need your own time as well. Time to do whatever it is you enjoy and always, always leave time for venting!
Take care of yourself and feel free to message me anytime.
-May