Christmas Blues

[Lonnie]

I don't know what has happened to me in the last few weeks, but I can't seem to get motivated to do anything.  This will be the second Christmas without my dad, and it seems worse than the first. I think we were all still in shock then. At any rate, I have had some health problems lately-a never-ending bladder infection that was treated with 3-(count 'em 3)-antibiotics, a raging fever for about a week, and I am scheduled for some horrible tests the first of the year including a cystoscope. I am depressed, listless, very dissatisfied with life in general, and am clearly not in a Christmas mood. And yet life goes on around me, and I am forced to keep the pace. Nothing is a joy this year. Everything seems like a horrible chore. I resent all of it. Just call me Scrooge, but I am having trouble even wanting to get out of bed (which isn't hard, since I never get in it) lol-still staying up far too late! Taking care of my mom, troubles with our teenage daughter, and a workaholic husband have overwhelmed me. I don't even recognize the person I see in the mirror anymore. I am on antidepressants and have been going to counseling for a little over a year and a half. She thinks I handle all the stress as well as anyone could, but I really don't. I used to cry a lot, but since life got really hard, I don't even do that anymore as it makes me feel so bad and I have to keep going. I feel like a wind up doll or a robot. I am not the same person I was, and I really don't know what it would take for me to find myself again. I am lost forever in all the crisis situations of living...I really love the Lord, but I have not opened my Bible for quite some time. I just can't find Him in all this either. Does anyone else feel this way...? Just needed to vent and this is the only really safe place I know.  Please be kind to me or don't post. Can't take much more. Thanks for listening, Lonnie

[dht]

Lonnie
Iam so sorry to read that you are in such pain.Just know that what you are thinking and feeling is normal and that this to shall pass.Just think of where you are right now as a huge tidal wave ,hang on and ride it through you will row for shore and the calm will come again.
I think that Christmas is the time of year with all the focus on love and family for those of us that have lost a loved one it makes it more difficult to keep things in perspectiveand on an even keel.This will be my third Xmas without my husband and in a very different way like you it is the most difficult but we have to keep on trucking and work at focusing on the positives and all the good things love of family and friends,look at the giving of yourself and the people you have helped and shared with on this board just because you havent been able to turn to the lord,in your pain,just remember He is walking with you right now in fact carrying you until you are able to walk yourself.
Hang in there and I will pray for you at church this morning that when you reach the other side of this "tidal wave"you will be on level ground once more.
Take Good Care of You
God Bless
Dawne

[barnee442]

Dear Lonnie,

My heart goes out to you as I can feel the pain in your words.  no, you are not alone in this.  This will be the 2nd Christmas without my Mom.  I also think it seems much harder than the first.  I've wondered if it's the reality of the huge void in our hearts. 
You have shared so much encouragement with everyone on these boards; the kind words and the awesome poetry.  You have quite a gift and it's great that you share it to help others.  It's ok for you to need some encouragement yourself:)
If I remember correctly, you lost your Dad around the same time I lost my Mom.  I've mostly been reading lately but not responding.  I also am on an antidepressant, cried many tears and now seem to just try to get through.  My Dad has a new friend.  That's been rough for all of us.  On an intellectual level I'm happy for him, but on an emotional level it's hard to see him with someone else.  My husband and teenage sons are highly agitated over this and it's caused alot of fights lately; so I cry.  Hey I could be a pro by now:)
I do believe that God is still with us (as always).  But I too seem to push away.  Maybe it's just the point we are at in this grief walk.  I know you will get through this big bump in your road because you have helped so may others, especially me.
Hang in there Lonnie and know that I'll be praying for you
Julie

[Trisho]

Dear Lonnie -  I finally was able to log on today and read your post.  I am having a horrible morning and feeling quite the same as you.  This will be my second Christmas without Tommy and I guess last year was so close to the time of his death that we were pretty numb.  Now a year has passed and the numbness has worn off and the reality of the loss hits home.  Tom's birthday is also this month, on the 21st.  He would have been 52.  I had a 50th birthday party for him a year ago this past weekend.  Getting ready for the holidays is very difficult.  I managed to get thru Thanksgiving which was his favorite holiday and now preparing for Christmas.  I too feel like a robot.  My sadness is huge and the pain in my heart is unbelievable.  When all this happened I was very angry at God and slowly felt it easing.  I began to pray again but I seem to be going backwards.  I just don't understand.  Nothing seems to go right in my life and I feel empty and alone.  I am a nice person and do good things in my life so I guess I question sometimes why all the bad?  Today I was writing in my journal to Tom and I let him know that without him - pure emptiness and no dreams.  I used to always like the saying, "Take time to dream".  As for me my dreams have been shattered.  Oops - I was really just trying to tell you that you are not alone - guess today has gotten the best of me. 

I hope that you can get some spirit back and that your health will improve.  Is your daughter still causing problems?
Remember I had told you about my daughter when she was young and the trouble I had with her.  I told you that she had finally gotten over her bad attitude and behaviors and was doing a great job on her own - completing beauty school and living on her own.  Well guess what?  She's expecting.  She just turned 19 and not what I wanted for her but again one of those situations that is out of my control.  It's situations like this where Tom's absence really sucks since I could use his hugs and his loving support.

Well hopefully things get better for you.  I'll keep you in my thoughts.  You are a beautiful person and I wish you well.
Big Hugs and warm thoughts.  Trisho

[Irene]

Hi Lonnie,
   This is the third time that I have tried to send you a reply today, and now I am starting to see the frustration that Lauren had in trying to send replies. ; )  My
problem has more to do with children, just needing help with something and me coming back to the computer, and then finding a child has exited me off of the website, so it is fixable when the children leave the house for school.
   I'm sorry that you're having a rough time right now. I am guessing that your health is really tied in with all of this, and that is just adding to the drain on you.
I know that when I feel sick, it is a struggle just to get off of the couch, and since you have been ill for several weeks now, I can only imagine how much more difficult that can be. Hopefully, your infection will be treated with the correct medications, and the world will look a little brighter-and slightly more manageable.
   You mentionned that your counsellor feels that you are doing well in the circumstances, but you don't feel that you are. Do you feel comfortable in discussing all of your feelings with the counsellor? I think that it's important that you would feel that she is a safe person to discuss your issues with.
  As far as loving God, you set a good example for those of us(me-prime example) that struggle with our faith on a daily basis. You are an inspiration on that point.
   I hope that soon you will feel better and please know that for all of the listenning that you do to others, there are people here that would be happy to take a turn to listen to you.
   

[laurenE]

Hi lonnie,

Excuse me one sec while I  take the hammer to my computer.   I lost a really good reply when trying to post it   (well ,  ok,  I thought it was good  ).   

I'm so frustrated so I fear this reply will come out wrong.   

Just know I am thinking about you and praying for you.   

hugs,
lauren

[Lonnie]

Thank you so much to all of you for your understanding and compassionate replies! Well the ones that were in fact ABLE to reply! I know what you mean about the hammer LaurenE. The other day I went to reply to a post, but there was no reply button in the usual place. Just "modify" and something else! So frustrating!!!! Poor LaurenE-When you lose your posts it gets you so flustered that you don't even feel like saying it all again, and rather doubt you'll be able to say it the same way. (Handing hammer through screen and saying, "If that doesn't work, here's an ax!") LOL
Thank you Trisho-the part about holding onto our dreams was so relevant to me. I have lost so many dreams lately, and fear I may never get them back. Wow about your daughter! Pregnant! My daughter is about the same in behavior, but she is the happiest girl in the world since this young man she has liked since she was 14 has shown a great deal of interest in her. (She is almost 18 now.) He is a good Christian and role model. Hopefully, his influence will help. If nothing else, it has improved her mood to be in love. LOL!
Julie-Thank you for your sweet post. I am sure your dad dating someone has been a huge adjustment! My dad died May of 2005.  When did your mom pass? Thank you for reminding me that God never forsakes us or leaves us, even when we move out of the neighborhood temporarily! LOL!
Irene-I've been wondering lately if I have fallen into not completely telling my counselor how devastated I feel at times. I think she sees such improvement from where I started, that she may not realize how bad I still feel at times. It is a lot like a roller coaster with me. Up and down.
Dawne-Thank you so much for your prayers. I'm surfing on that tidal wave and praying it will take me into shore safely! LOL!
Thank you all for encouraging me to vent. I tend to be one that gives help and is reluctant to ask for it. But all that is changing. I need you guys!!!!! It is really good to tell SOMEONE when you feel down. It provides a release and a safe place to fall. I love each one of you and hope that you are all having a nice Christmas season. I always love to say "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen because the women are doing ALL the work!"

[hoybaby]

Lonnie your post sounds eerily like my own. I'm also facing the 2nd christmas without my dad. I also have had heatlh problems including a bladder infection. It seems to have cleared up but man I totally understand how it can just affect everything.

My dad suddenly died Nov. 15, 2005. My mom was leaving for work and went downstairs to check on him (he often slept on the couch due to ongoing sleeping problems) and she found him dead on the floor. I guess he had died some hours before.

It was totally shocking - the day before he seemed okay, normal, as he usually was (he had a lot of mental health problems) but we never knew he had heart disease until it was too late.

At that time in my life I was suffering from PTSD and postpartum depression and was having a hard time relating to my husband and my father. Things were really bad for me. I also had ongoing bladder infections, strep throat, anemia, and gallstone attacks (I eventually had surgery in February 2006).

I was feeling somewhat better about things, marvelling at how far I've come, until last week when my H called me at work to tell me a mutual friend had committed suicide. Its all coming back to me now - the rejection of having a father who had strong, self destructive and suicidal impulses, the loss of him (we initially thought he had committed suicide, mercifully it was heart disease) and then all the anger at him for not taking care of himself...

the one thing i've had to do is take care of the relationship with my husband - it wasn't good but that's where ive been focussing on in my own recovery from grief and postpartum depression/PTSD. You need to have support in the here and now.. and address that in order to recover from the grief and loss. Its been difficult but it had to be resolved - one way or another (with him or without) because I wasn't ever gonna get better without getting my OWN life in order.

Grief is awful especially when you rely so much on the person that died. My dad was always my "go to guy" whenever I was in a jam. Whether it be a giant fight with my husband, needing to get away from my place, moving, fixing something, financial advice, whatever. And the lack of confidence I felt after losing him was awful. What if something happened in my house and I needed it fixed? What if I needed to get away from my raging husband? Who would rescue me?

I've learned over this year that *I* will save me. And that *I* am strong enough to do the things that my dad used to help me with. I have been able to find other sources of information and advice, and am doing ok. There's still many times when I wish I could pick up the phone and call my dad, but i'm starting to get stronger and rely on myself more. And that's a good thing.

[Lonnie]

Hoybaby: Thank you so much for your post. Yes, we sound like we have a LOT in common. My sleep patterns changed drastically after my dad died, and I have never gotten on a good schedule again. I am sure that also contributes to my health problems. I know what you mean about your dad having the answers to everything. Mine too! I used to say if the world broke, he could fix it. But now it IS broken, and he is nowhere to be found. But like you said, we go on. I have become my mom's caregiver, and that is a full time job. She still lives independently, but can't drive anymore and is quite sick. It is the hardest thing I have ever done to try and live 2 lives. I also have a husband and a teenage daughter (a senior in high school this year). I stay so tired all the time trying to manage it all, but I am learning to find answers through other resources as  well. And you're right, sometimes we have to depend on God to help us find the answers for ourselves. I am sure it makes us stronger in many ways. I am so sorry for all the losses you have suffered. I know your life must have been a roller coaster with your dad's mental illnesses and such. But as Garth Brooks says, "I'm glad I didn't know, The way it all would end, The way it all would go, Our lives are better left to chance, I might have missed the pain, But I'd of have to miss the dance." Who would want to miss the dance? Hugs-Lonnie

[Sad Eyes]

I don't know about the rest of you, but for me it's really hard seeing everyone with their holiday spirit.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who are in the holiday mode, but it just intensifies my feeling so lost without my parents, sister and brother.  It's not only  Christmas, but all happy occasions that have such a gapping hole in them.  It's times like this that make me realize just how much I have lost by not having much family left.  Sorry to sound so blue, I am just having a blah day.

[Lonnie]

Sad Eyes: Did you lose your whole family? Your parents and a brother and sister also? Gosh, that is SO hard to bear.    How long ago did they die? I am very sorry. Please stop by and share more when you feel like it. Any way that you are feeling is understandable. I will keep you in my prayers. Warm hugs! Lonnie

[Geraldine]

Dear Lonnie

I am so sorry you feel so low, Christmas is very hard and this second year is even harder I think, I cannot get into the spirit ever, actually cannot wait for it to be over.
You are not a Scrooge Lonnie, those dates hold only memories for us and we may try to celebrate but the heart ache, the heart knows that someone who had made our life worthwhile is no longer here.

You have been so supportive for all of us, always finding the right word, and all those lovely poems you wrote to bring comfort, I wish I could also find the words to ease the way you fell right now, all I know is that I care and I hope you will feel better soon.

Tests are so scary specially when we are feeling so depressed, sometimes it is hard to believe in  tomorrow, but we have been through before, we had those up and downs and sometimes we have fallen right to the bottom but we do climb again, do not lose hope, things will ease and it will become easier.

I will keep you in my thoughts,

(((((((((((((((LONNIE)))))))))))))) I wish I could be there and give you a big hug

[Lonnie]

Thank you Geraldine! It was so wonderful to hear from you! I have been thinking of you lately, particularly when I wrote that post about the artist Monet. It reminded me of your Alan. I will NEVER forget his beautiful artwork, especially the nature scenes. The forest looked like it was alive. I have been so busy lately that I have been pushing too hard. Almost all the Christmas responsibility falls on me now that my mom is so sick. So I AM keeping busy! I wish I could go to the mountains and forget all the rest! LOL! Someday...
I wish for you a beautiful Christmas with memories of your love to keep you warm. He was a most talented man, and you were so fortunate to have had him in your life, but he was even more fortunate to have you sweet Geraldine! God bless you! Love and Hugs-Lonnie

[mbminton]

I hate to sound discouraging, but the physical problems which you are enduring will most likely get better in time.  It's important to get yourself under a good doctor's and a good psychologist's care.  It might take longer if you are a particularly sensitive individual, as I am.  My fiance, Bill,l died October, 2005, and I had 6 months of diarrhea, constant nausea, and constant tears.  I also experienced pain in the part of my body where the pancreas is located.  The doctor said it was probably sympathy pains identifying with Bill's pancreatic cancer.  I also developed a serious kidney stone.  Anti-depressants do help; I just lowered mine but am crying more again. It might be because of Christmas.  Today, my stomach is starting up again and I know it's emotional distress.  What gets me through these bouts is knowing that it's probably not physical and will pass.  If it doesn't, though, I know to see a doctor.  I see mine routinely for a check-up every 3 months just so he can keep me together.  In the 2 months after Bill was diagnosed, I lost 20 pounds and put it all back on within a year of his death.  My blood-sugar is way high and I have to get my act together to get it back down.  I was 58 and he was only 59.  Sometimes I feel like just letting myself go and get sick enough to die so I can be with him, but I don't think my children and grandchild and friends and other family are ready to let me go yet.  That's another thing you might consider--your family needs you--whole and happy, even if you have to fake the happiness sometimes.

[mbminton]

P.S.  I also had a bladder infection that would not go away after 5 rounds of antibiotics.  After lots of tests, the kidney stone was found to be causing microscopic blood in the urine.  I had lithotripsy to blast it away before I had to pass it.  The doctors couldn't determine what caused it and said it might have been emotional.  Take care of yourself--take a break when you need to and cut yourself some slack about the grieving.