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Author Topic: my brother i don't know how to cope!  (Read 9559 times)
hummingbird
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« on: July 23, 2007, 03:13:08 AM »

MY  brother died of a heart attack on january 1oth this year(2007) aged just 44.
It was such a shock as he was always healthy, he never smoked,drank or done any drugs.
He was an ammiture swimmer winning medals all the time. He died doing what he love best though, he was at a swimming practic, we never got to say good bye.
He was also a carpinter and joiner by trade (but could do any thing from plumbing to u name it he could do it) with lots of plans and dreams that he never got todo. He was know very well by so many peolpe. Over 200 people were at the funeral.
He was my big brother being 14 years older then me i always looked to as a seconded dad.
I am finding how i'm feeling so very hard, i split up from my husband nearly a year ago, and i have two children that i'm finding hard to cope with because of the way i'm feeling.
I had a friend that was helping me deal with my emotions but he has walked away as he has found me hard to deal me.
I feel lost more then ever now i feel like i'm going mad i don't know how to get through these awful feeling i have,.
People around me keep saying "Pick your self up for the kids" but they just stress me out and i feel i can't cope even more, i can't seem to just pick myself up i don't know what to do any more.
 Cry


« Last Edit: July 23, 2007, 03:21:44 AM by hummingbird » Logged
Lonnie
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« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2007, 03:31:20 AM »

Hummigbird: I am so sorry about the death of your talented brother. I guess we can be thankful that he died doing something he loved, like you said. Sounds like he had a lot of friends also for there to be over 200 at the funeral. When we are grieving, it is very hard to return to our daily responsibilites. Your brother has been gone only a short time, and you were probably in shock in the earlier months. I am sure that the anxiety, heartbreak and sadness are all contributing to your having different moods. Sometimes people just don't know what they are saying. They obviously haven't lost anyone dear to them or they wouldn't say "get over it". We will never get over it, but we will in time learn to integrate it into our life, and go on. But your grief is so fresh yet. Don't push yourself or let others push you to go too fast. You need time to process it, and heal. You are devastated from a very unexpected loss. Have you considered going to counseling as well? You may need some help to get through this if you are becoming depressed, and that isn't unusual at all. Even some medication may be called for. Please get some help if you find that you are having problems coping.
44 is so young to die, and it sounds like your brother was so very special. When you get a chance, visit our Main Board as well. There are a few more people there most of the time, and we have some good discussions to help you through this painful time. There are also some wonderful people on this board who have lost a sister or brother. They will help you also.
Please come by any of the boards whenever you need to talk. We are here to listen, and we understand because we have all lost someone we love dearly. I will be praying for you, and look forward to hearing from you again. These boards have helped so many of us, and I hope they will encourage you also.   Smiley Many hugs-Lonnie
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hummingbird
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« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2007, 03:51:52 PM »

Hi Lonnie
Thank you for your kind words.
I hope i can get myself sorted out and will be going to gets some help from the doctors for counselling, not sure if i want to go on any medication though.
My brother was a very special person and i only have good memories of him.
I have been looking into grief and found out that losing a sibling is one of the hardest loses as they are your past, present and future.
All off the rest of my family have seemed to have delt with it very well.
I am trying to figure out why i have found it so hard, i think some things are because i am the youngest child, my dad is 80 in september and has 5 children from his first marrage and my mum is 66 in November and had 3 children from her first marrage my brother being one of them, i am the only child between my mum and dad. I always lived with the children from my mums first marrage untill we all left home apart from my brother.
I get on  really well with my sister Jacqui(12 yrs older than me) who is like a second mum to me as well as a sister, but i have always fought like cat and dog with my sister karen (9 yrs older than me the next youngest to me) and i have had nothing to do with her for about 4 years now.
I feel so alone even though i have my family around me, i'm scared of losing those closest to me, i hang on and can't let go it seems.
 This is what has coursed me problems with my friend that walked away now the feeling i have losing him out of my life is like he has died too.
Thank you again, i hope taking to people that have gone through the same thing will help. Best wishes to all xx
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Lonnie
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« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2007, 04:33:36 PM »

Hummingbird: I have had a very difficult time dealing with my dad's death, and it has been 2 years for me. So it is a process and a journey for sure. It does make you feel more vulnerable, and fearful of losing others. You feel like, it THIS can happen, then anything is possible. And I know you had to be feeling that way about losing your brother at such a young age. I know that some of those who have lost siblings will be along soon to talk with you. You are right. Losing a sibling is losing our mutually shared experiences of childhood and growing up. It is a tremendous loss. Please keep coming back, and try our Main Board as well. You can talk about your brother there too! Hugs-Lonnie
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jazzgirl
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« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2007, 08:29:05 PM »

Hi hummingbird, Welcome to the board. I, too, lost my brother at the age of 32. He died Jan. 1 of 2006. I, too, have had to put on a face for my children. I have 3 kids. All which are toddlers. My brother is only 1 1/2 yrs. older than me. It has been a long hard journey. My kids have helped me cope with my pain a lot. They are just so innocent and are able to just say the right thing. I cried many of times in front of them and they knew that when I cried like that, it was about their Uncle Jason.  We would then talk about it together.  I would just explain to them that I was just very sad about him being gone. I, too, feel very lost without him. We are just missing out on so much of a fun life without him. I have learned to make my life fun without, but it is not the same.

This is a good place where people understand what you are going thru. I am sorry to hear about your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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hummingbird
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« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2007, 02:35:05 AM »

Hi lonnie and jazzgirl
Thank you to you both for your kind words.
I am sorry for you loses it is so very hard.
Since i have sighed up to the site i have found great comfort, this is the first place i go after turning on my pc on.
I have been sat here reading all the different post of tragic loses
with tears rolling down my face knowing the horrible pain that is felt inside.
I have my goods day when i am happy and possitive and nothing can bring me down but then i have day when i find it hard to just get out of bed and i cry at every little thing,the negitiverty is so bad i just want to die to stop the pain, but i have to just plod on for my 2 wonderful children no matter how much they stress me out.
Both of my children are great when i'm upset they give me hugs and say its ok we know you miss uncle chrissy,it normaly makes me cry more but i just hug them tighter.
I rang the doctor's today to get some counselling just waiting for him to ring back now, i don't want to be sad all the time i want to be happy and  have inner peace to know that was so very lucky to have know and loved him and to have just been part of my life, i have so many momories and thatswhat i think i/ we should be looking to, to get that inner peace.
Thank you again for you words of comfort my thoughts are with you.
Lots of hugs helen

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jazzgirl
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« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2007, 10:16:14 PM »

I always look up this site all the time too when I am on the computer. It is almost like an addiction. I think it is a way of being closer to our loved ones.
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AllysonD
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« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2007, 08:14:59 PM »

I am sorry for your pain Hummingbird. I lost my only brother in APril of this year. It is a difficult road but I think it would be better if we all traveled it together.
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hummingbird
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« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2007, 06:52:26 AM »

I just want to say thank you to you all, I have found this site a great help.
I can't believe my brother has been gone for 7months on the 10th of August, how does it go by so fast. We have finaly finished sorting out all of his estate, his house has been sold,  i think this has brought a closure to some of the pain.
We still have tools and stuff to sort out but i think that can wait a while the main stuff is done now.
I am still finding things hard but it is getting abit easier as time goes on.
I'm going out today to the cinema the first time i have been out since he died, but i relised he wouldn't want me to be unhappy and not enjoy my life, i think i'm starting to find my inner peace so i am looking forward to going out with a friend.
Thinking of you all xx
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sweetpea
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« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2007, 10:31:25 PM »

 Hello, Hummimgbird I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do know what you are going through, I have already lost my father, a sister, and now my brother is dying of lung cancer. So you see,  I do know and feel your pain. When my father passed it seemed liked somethng out of a nightmare and I didn't believe it was real, it took such a long time to be at peace with his passing. When my sister died, (we were only 2 years apart)  we had sung together since we were kids into adulthood,we had  a music group with another girl  (who too has died)  to this day I cry when I hear certain songs we used to sing, and she died in 93. But you know one thing, even though I miss both my father, and sister very much, I feel blessed to have known them for the time that I did have with them and I think about all the good memories of them. I am preparing for my brother's death,  but I take comfort that he is at peace with it, and I will take his memories with me too. I hope and pray for you, that each day gets easier, which it will even though right now it doesn't seem at all possible, but believe me it will. Take everyday with your children like it will be your last so that you can enjoy them with everything you have. I will pray for you and your family to stay strong, your brother would want you to be.
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hummingbird
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« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2007, 04:56:05 PM »

Sweetpea,
Thank you so much.
I am so sorry for your loses, and sorry that your brother is ill it must be so hard for you.
My thoughts are with you take care
love and peace xxx
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sweetpea
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« Reply #11 on: August 08, 2007, 06:57:59 AM »

 Hello, Hummimgbird sorry it's taken me so long to write back.

My brother lost his battle with lung cancer August 1st.
My family and I are trying to come to grips with his passing, I am holding on the best I can, tying to think of the best of times we all shared, and knowing now, that he is truly in a better place, and in no more pain!!!. He suffered so bad.
So please keep writing to me , I need all the prayers, and encouragement I can get.
Love, your Friend in troubled times.
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middle sis
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« Reply #12 on: August 08, 2007, 08:00:10 PM »

Thinking of you tonight! I am sorry for your loss of your brother.  Sorry its taken so long to respond. I have been on vacation, and have now returned to my "normal" life. Your brother's passing does seem shocking. You think you can be in control of your life, your health, but sometimes, it seems out of your hands, as in your  brothers case. Its to bad your friend has walked away from you.  He doesn't fully understand the magnitude of your loss. Maybe He will come around. Until then, we are all here for you. We will listen when you need, and help when we can. Just know that I am thinking of you tonight, and wishing you peace within yourself.
Take Care
middle sis
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Lonnie
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« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2007, 12:22:24 AM »

sweetpea: I am so sorry for the passing of your brother, but thankful that his pain is gone, and he is free from the burden of it. I know even though his death was "expected", we are never really ready for a loved one to leave. But that is not the end. There will be a time of reunion, and I believe rejoicing, with no more tears, sorrow or sadness. What a day that will be! Be good to yourself for now. Get lots of rest, and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers here at the board. Love, Lonnie
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sweetpea
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« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2007, 06:54:10 PM »

Hello Lonnie,   :(Thank-you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I am trying to take it one day at a time. I do find comfort in knowing that my brother no longer suffers. The hardest thing for my sister and I to dealing with, are other relatives on my Mother's side who are so insentive to our feelings at a time like this!!! Our brother made us co- power of attorneys, he wanted to be cremated, and my Aunt called my sister and I and said why are we having his service there, and why are you doing this, and that!!!!! never once did she say I am so sorry for your loss!!!! or if you and your sister or family ever need anything I'm here!! my husband and son's tell me to let it go, but it is so hard for me, knowing that some of my own family can be so heartless!!! this is one of the main reasons my brother wanted to be creamated. so sad.     Sad Sad Sweetpea......
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