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Parent Loss / Re: Mom's Passing Anniversary
« Last post by Lastleafgreen on January 15, 2019, 08:32:06 PM »
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you found help here. As someone who is currently going through the prolonged death of my father I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that things do get better. That even though the person you loved passes life continues on. That there are new memories and new happy times. I know that in my head. But hearing it from someone who has gone through that grief is incredibly comforting. Thank you.
Parent Loss / Losing Dad by inches
« Last post by Lastleafgreen on January 15, 2019, 08:26:12 PM »
I've been at the hospital for hours every day for eight days straight. It wears on you. What's wearing on me today is that we've had to make some serious decisions with our mom.

Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in April. We really thought he had a great chance to beat it. But one thing after another happened. Even up till Christmas we thought he just needed stronger chemo. He'd been complaining of belly pain for months but nothing was being done. Then after new year he declined rapidly. Mom took him to the emergency and they switched him to short care. He had a severe C-diff infection. Again, we thought antibiotics and he'd be home. Unfortunately the second day in short stay his bowl ruptured and he was taken in for emergency surgery. He survived, but was in SICU. We found out he was riddled with tumors that were under a centimeter and thus didn't show up on scans. Then he survived another surgery to close his stomach, but further chemo treatment was no longer possible. That was on Thursday night. It's been going on six days and he hasn't woken up.

When they try he doesn't follow commands or make eye contact. They've run a battery of tests and nothing seems wrong with his brain. I learned about ICU delirium today. I've learned a whole slew of medical terms in the last weeks.

Dad never, ever, wanted to be hooked up to a ventilator and in a coma for a long period of time. So for the past two days we've been discussing a Do not resuscitate order. That got put into effect last night. Today however, we had to start talking about when would be the right point to switch to comfort care instead of maintenance.

I try to focus on what my dad would want. I remind myself of all the things I am grateful for. That I always told him I loved him every time we talked. That I hugged him whenever we saw each other. That my mother, brother, sister, and I have become this phalanx of will and support for each other and him. He would be so proud of us. But it's still hard.

I find myself sometimes angry with him for not fighting harder. I wish I could will him into opening his eyes and recognizing the world again. But I know it's a selfish desire. My father is not going to see February. If he sees the end of the week it would be a minor miracle. I kind of hope he's already gone in spirit. Then maybe this whole stay in the hospital won't be something he takes with him. Maybe then when we're forced to make the decision to remove life support we'll just be putting a body to rest and not killing our dad.
Parent Loss / Re: Introductions
« Last post by Lastleafgreen on January 13, 2019, 09:20:55 PM »
Hi. So I've never done this before, but I know I need something. My father hasn't exactly passed yet, but he has colon cancer and came down with a C-diff infection that was only diagnosed this passed Tuesday. On Wednesday after everyone went home he had a perforated bowl and went into surgery. I remember that night he wasn't really coherent. But one of the last things he said, in response to my mom telling him that we kids were there, was that it was what he'd been waiting for. He wasn't stable enough to even close his stomach all the way until Friday morning. He's in surgical ICU on a ventilator and we were told chemo is no longer an option. So he's going to die. It's just a question of when and if he'll ever regain consciousness. He's only 65. I thought I'd have years. My mind tells me one thing but I'm just sad.

I have a million different thoughts running through my head. He was so worried about making sure our mother was taken care of. So I'm trying to be strong for her, and for my brother and sister. Some times I can remember all the wonderful things I had the chance to experience with him and be happy I had that chance. Other times I feel cheated. I didn't even know it was possible to feel physically ill with grief, but when the surgeon told us his prognosis I almost threw up and then passed out. I am not a person with a weak constitution either. It shocked me. I'd never felt anything like that.

So the long and short of it is help is help. I know that someday I will be able to remember my father with smiles and laughter. I will still wish he was here, but it will be duller. Right now I am just bouncing back and forth between the stages of grief I guess. I know this is kind of emotional internet throw up, but this seems like the place for it.

I've been talking to other people waiting on loved ones in the hospital and it's helped some. It put some things into perspective. I'm lucky. My brother, sister, mother and I have been to the hospital every day since Wednesday. I have family around me, so does my dad. Hopefully this will tighten our ties and even after the worst the rest of us will continue to function as a family even if we're missing a piece. I know my dad would want that. I just wanted to reach out somewhere. I think sometimes having people not involved but sympathetic can bring release? Relief? Just shooting in the dark. It can't hurt right?
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 17 months
« Last post by KathyD on January 11, 2019, 01:33:42 PM »
hello - I have been reading these posts and all the replies and not surprised by all the emotions that were shared.  It actually was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in some of the feelings I have been having for the past 22 months since my husband of 35 years passed unexpectedly.  Thank you all for sharing.  I just wanted to let all know that I appreciate the sharing and that it helped validate my feelings.  My minister warned me that even though the first year is rough, the second year is worse.  I didn't understand what she meant at the time even though she was speaking to me from her own experience of losing her young husband with two young children.  She was right and that dawned on me about halfway through the second year.  Everyone else had moved on with their lives and we are still trying to figure out who we are without our loved one.  We are still figuring out how to move through the days alone (even when we have family around us.) Someone in the messages above mentioned that they were in a better place than they were previous months after the loss and that is how I look at things - even though I am still sad, still cry, still have meltdowns, I am dealing with things better than I did months ago. 

We will NEVER stop grieving - we will only learn how to live with it. 

Thank you for allowing me to be part of this and allowing me to share my thoughts.   I have posted my story a couple months after my husband Ron passed. It helped just to post that story.  I had almost forgotten I had done that until I was cleaning out my bookmarks.  It is somewhere on this site under my name in the introduction thread ę Reply #142 on: September 26, 2017, 03:50:58 PM Ľ if you wanted to read it.  I'm sorry I haven't been back sooner. Everyone here is very loving to all.   

My snow globe of life is still showing signs of snowing but it's not the blizzard that it was at the beginning of being solo.
Child Loss / Re: Holiday Time
« Last post by Adams Brokenhearted Mama on January 03, 2019, 01:22:57 PM »
Thank you LaVonne. A good new year to you as well.
Main / Misses wants a break and Iím a bit confused
« Last post by Jamesb on January 01, 2019, 05:48:49 AM »
Hey guy
Just looking for some help.

So my misses has mental problems from her past boyfriends and things that have happened to her. She said to me the night before New Years that she wanted a break and that the relationship status on Facebook wonít change. She says that she just needs some time to fix herself, because of her mental state. She says that she doesnít find it fair that when we go out she gets anxiety and struggles to be with me without her getting worried that something would happen. But what I donít under stand is that we were fine then she slowly started pushing me away and when ever I asked her about it or questioned her in the sense she says itís just because of her mental state. But she seems fine around everyone else. Iím lost and confused I really love this girl and told her that I will go through it for her so she can get her head straight, even though I feel like Iíve been trying to help her with it all. Iím mentally lost myself in all this and she said she is sick and tired of all the fighting and wants to call it off for now.

I donít know how to go about it but give her the time she needs just feel like Iím gunna lose the one I love. Like she says she love me but I donít feel like she is in love with me. Because she asks me to come somewhere and sometimes I want to hang with friends and she gets annoyed about it. But then I come and she gets annoyed about that Iím not sure what I am doing wrong but when ever something like this happens it hurts me and hurts her. She doesnít tell me whatís wrong but expects me to tell her whatís wrong. But she will happily tell her house mate what is going on and they both deny it and says that she isnít in it. I donít find it easy to message people but if someone is willing to help please do and Iíll do the best I can to give the fool details.

Iíve lost a lot for this girl but Iíve put it all aside and not cared because I would prefer her in my life then friends I have had for years because I donít want her to be in her mental state is that a good thing or bad. Iíve come out of a 4 1/2 yr relationship and finally got back on my feet now with her we havenít been dating long but I feel like Iím back to where I started 2yrs ago from recovering. I told her Iím not gunna see anyone new until I know for sure but what if she is seeing someone do I ask or will that makes things worse because I donít want to go through all this if she is. Is I a fair enough question
Child Loss / Re: Holiday Time
« Last post by LaVonne on December 27, 2018, 09:30:45 AM »
thanks Paula. Hope all is well with you and a Blessed Christmas late and a Good New Year. 
Child Loss / Re: 20 years today
« Last post by LaVonne on December 27, 2018, 09:27:52 AM »
My Granddaughter is better.She is controlling
 her stress and hasn't had episode since Sept 30th. She still has problem but Drs dont want to touch her unless they  redo all the test over and over. every time she goes to new Dr. they want to redo test. They wont even look at her MRI. t is so frustrating. Its all about the money.  Hopefully she will be fine for now. waiting game
Parent Loss / Re: Introductions
« Last post by Rosie on December 24, 2018, 02:02:38 PM »
Hello, I'm glad and very thankful that we have this service online.  I believe we live in a broken world so releasing our hurt in a healthy way is the first step towards healing.  I am new to this so thank you for being patient with me. 
Since 2013 I have a death in my family.  Most recently my Dad passed this year.  My family had a dysfunctional relationship so I don't express my emotions well.  I will find myself crying doing mundane things.  Without going into a lot of detail his passing was filled with emotional and financial hardship.  I don't have friends or people who care enough to check on me.  This Christmas is extremely difficult, my husband and I fighting a lot which reminds both of us of our dysfunctional childhood. 
I know it should be alright though.  I am thankful for the Lord, my health, prosperity.  I always try to start and end with positivity and thankfulness. 
Child Loss / Holiday Time
« Last post by Adams Brokenhearted Mama on December 21, 2018, 10:14:57 AM »
Another holiday season and another year comes to a close. Whether you are a newly bereaved parent or a seasoned veteran in this g-d awful journey the holidays bring forth memories of seasons past and the reality that our angels are no longer in our earthly world. The holidays stir up all sorts of emotions and being a bereaved parent really stirs the pot and ratchets it up to a new level.
My advice is to take a deep breathe and start to decompress. Inhale good thoughts by counting your blessings and exhale the sadness and negativity. Proceed moment by moment. Moments are very brief periods of time, easier to manage than day by day or hour by hour. Try to prepare for the holiday by planning what you will or will not be doing. Try to limit any difficult situations and if you must be in one prepare as best as possible and acknowledge the upcoming difficult situation so you are not caught unawares.
I wish you all peace and blessings and with hope that you will receive a positive sign from your angel.
Your Sister-In-Grief,
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