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Main / Re: New to Group
« Last post by JustMark on August 11, 2017, 12:50:58 PM »
Hi Lorimarie, I'm glad to meet you and you are more then welcome here. From the bottom of my heart I'm sorry about your husband and the news about your son. Those burdens can be hard to carry alone. It's also hard at time to find someone that can relate to what you are going through. So we try to help each other around here. We talk about what we are going through or what works for us so that others coming here looking for support and answers on coping with loss can come here for help. So I guess you could say everyone that comes here has given helpful advice as well as gotten helpful advice. We also do not judge others here nor try to correct people. Regardless of the exact reason why people come here we respect everyone and treat everyone equally because we all understand what it's like in one form or another. So if you are going through a rough spot don't be afraid to share it. If you have advice or experience you think may help someone don't be afraid to share that too. No one that comes here is a final authority on grieving all of us are just students of it in various stages of development.

I came to this site just this last April in seeking support for the passing of my wife this last March. Unknown to me at the time I found during the grieving process with my wife I still hadn't gotten over the death of my dad back in 2001. I also have medical and health issues as well, I'm just too stubborn to let them hold me back and I will often say I'm only disabled but far from unabled. Sometimes I will also say I'm handicapable.  My disabilities only slow me down. They do not stop me. I guess you could say I learned those 2 lessons from my multiply handicapped daughter named Angel. So I can definitely relate to some of what you are going through and in other parts perhaps not. I will admit that Angel has a genetic disorder and wasn't diagnosed with cancer but with Angel we are in completely uncharted territory. I lost count of the number of times the doctors has given her a certain length of time to live or what she will not do and she just keeps proving the doctors wrong.  In 1985 just after she was born they said she wouldn't live past 3 and then they changed it when she got close to 3 and then changed it again and now she is 32 and the doctors don't predict with her anymore. There were times it was touch and go with Angel but she has turned out to be quite a good teacher for me as well as a very loving daughter. So our steps or exact walk through life maybe different and yet they can also be similar enough to understand.
Main / New to Group
« Last post by lorimarie on August 10, 2017, 08:02:30 PM »
Hello!  I have joined this group due to experiencing my own health issues (cancer, past and present, sudden and unexpected loss of my husband this past March and my son being diagnosed and treated for thyroid cancer.

I am feeling lonely, lost and depressed and am looking for a support system.  I actually wrote the details of all that has happened since December 2016 but I lost it because I wasn't logged into the site.  I don't feel like rewriting all the details again at the moment so I'll just start with this introduction.  Thank you!
Child Loss / Happy Heavenly Birthday, Tom! (BonnyLu)
« Last post by Terry on August 07, 2017, 06:46:27 AM »
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Tom!


Remembering your precious Tom today on his Heavenly Birthday and wishing you a day filled with only the most beautiful memories of your time together.

Holding you close, sending a big hug, :love9:
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« Last post by JustMark on August 03, 2017, 09:27:54 PM »
Hi Lacemaker, all music is spiritual in one form or another. It's a 20 session course I am taking and today after 3 months I am starting session 7 which is barre chords. It will be a good review for me. For me music is more then just soothing. Yes I can express all my emotions with it. Even though people hear me talk about bass I also wasn't half bad on a 6 string acoustic. A lot of young guitar players think the key to being a good guitarist is who can play the fastest lead and they are wrong. Mechanically...... it may sound like a good song but it's lacking something. The truth is really you could be slow as heck but when the crowd is captivated feels your emotion that is the key to being a good guitarist. A good example is the difference between lets say Eddie Van Halen playing eruption or George Harrison's lead in as my guitar gently weeps. Both of them are good songs and Eddie is a lot faster then George Harrison but the one most people will likely stop and listen my guitar gently weeps because it has emotion it's also considerably slower.
There is one piece I am presently working on learning to perform at the end of this course. Look up an artist named Estas Tonne and the title is "Song of the Golden Dragon". It will also give you an idea of the caliber of player and the kinds of songs I played on acoustic way back in the late 70's and very early 80's and here *I am relearning barre chords.
Parent Loss / Re: losing my mother to cancer. need advice.
« Last post by Lacemaker on August 01, 2017, 07:22:30 PM »
Dear Northbound.. I am so sorry you are having to face this. Especially as a young adult. I recently lost my mother to a Brain tumour. And I have never been so lost in my life. I helped care for my sweet mother while believing the doctors that she was going to whip it, only for me to to watch her pass in my car while trying to get her to a hospital. I agree with JustMark I think if it was me I would go ahead and try to get married while she is still with you. You'll never regret her getting to see you happily married. As for if she whips it what to do. Just listen to your heart. I only wish I could've had more time with my mother. I've never dealt with anything so hard in my life as losing her. I suggest spending as much time with her as you can at this point. Because when you look back on this time whether it's months or years later you'll never have regret for spending to little time with her. I do as when we believed my mom was going to be ok I let my brother care for my mom when he wanted and backed away a bit and was there when he said he wanted me to spare him. Had I known I would've been there all the time. Hope you can find some peace..
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« Last post by Lacemaker on August 01, 2017, 07:00:00 PM »
Hi JustMark,  So glad to hear that you are picking your music  back up.. Music can be so soothing to the soul, Or at least that Is the way it always seems to me. Its like it can transform you to another place.. Also glad you are back taking care of yourself again. It is so easy to get off track while caring for a loved one and then when you realize it especially after a loss like we have all suffered sometimes you just don't even care anymore. Glad you are reaching out for the help. And so glad to hear that the VA is finally taking better care of the men and women who have served our country so bravely. As for Ben what breed of dog is he. Sounds like you are making the transition with the dogs wisely.. Hope it all works well where they can all get along.
Child Loss / Re: Loss of Son
« Last post by Terry on July 31, 2017, 02:12:31 PM »

He knew he was going to die.  He told me every day how glad he was that God gave him a Mom like me.  He also felt like he was a burden to me.  I told him time and time again that He wasn't and I WAS glad to care for him, it's called being a Mother. 

How sweet your Tom was. And strong. Those words must bring you such comfort, at times.

Surely understand about your Mom and how frightened you were, and still are. Tom's death being so recent and your pain being so very raw right now.....try (as hard as it is) to take care of yourself. Try to rest. Eat healthy snacks. Take a walk outside. Drink lots of water, stay hydrated. We forget, sometimes to do the simple things, like breathe in and out...deep breaths. I remember having to remind myself at times just to breathe.

Let us know about your Mom and how she's recovering. Holding good thoughts for her, and you.

Big Hug ((((((BonnyLu))))))
Child Loss / Re: Loss of Son
« Last post by JustMark on July 30, 2017, 10:00:46 PM »
Hi Bonnie, I hope your mom is ok. At her age sometimes the healing from injuries takes a long time. You probably know that already. My mom is 86 and two or 3 years ago she fell and cracked a rib. Took her several months to get over it. I can fully understand how your mom being bandaged reminded you of your son and would trigger a reaction from you. I learned early on that moms are special people and it sounds like your son did too. I also think Gina knew she would be going but wouldn't talk to me about it. We had joined an online church because of relying on God and she couldn't get out. I do know she complained about feeling guilty for me caring for her or her not pulling her weight or helping around the house like she used to. Quite often I would reassure her she wasn't a burden and I meant it. I used to tell her I fully well understood what I was getting into after what I had been through with my daughter and then hearing about her 10 surgeries and what she went through before we met. I told her I would still willingly marry her. I also often told her after looking at the circumstances and situations we were living in our individual lives before we met I understood why God brought our paths together and our lives were intertwined from there on. Anyway like your son I believe Gina knew she would soon be going. Also like your son I believe he had a special mom too. I'm not sure if you stay in touch with your grandsons or not. Maybe they are busy caught up in life, maybe trying concentrate on climbing the corporate ladder, working their buts off to keep a roof over their head or busy in college trying to launch new careers or a half dozen other things I can think of that I and other people have done at their ages and call them if you haven't seen or heard from them recently. I have no doubts that they do or say things that will remind you of Tom and perhaps you can let them know that Tom is still having a positive impact in the world and living through them. My mom calls me and my two brothers every year on August 31st my dad's birthday to remind us of the same thing I just told you about. She lets us know of things we do or have done that remind her of our dad  and we, his sons, continue to let the lessons he taught us continue to impact the world in a positive way and we thank God he gave me and my brothers a good roll model for us to become good dads too.
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« Last post by JustMark on July 30, 2017, 08:01:36 PM »
Thanks for asking Raven. Ben seems to have settled in nicely but I am still allowing him time to acclimate with the other dogs before I attempt to introduce them one at a time. Because Ben was raised separate from his litter mates that have been living here all these years is they are a pack and think that way. Where as Ben is used to not having to compete with being the center of canine attention with the humans in a house hold. So we are still taking it gradually. I'm making sure he has some alone time with me every day so that he realizes he doesn't have to compete for attention at the same time it's affording Sox, Tunnie and Two Toez the opportunity to gradually accept him into the pack. So before long I will be able to let Sox, Tunnie and Two Toez meet individually and asses from there whether more time  or something else is needed.  I have gotten back to the guitar and my lessons. I also bought my first electric acoustic with acoustic amp. It was a beginners set. All the basic necessities for guitar playing but the quality of the guitar isn't the greatest but the amp alone was worth the investment. So next month I'll buy a pick up or transducer for my clasical guitar and get a luthier or guitar tech to install it.  As far as the electric acoustic that came with the set it's ok for playing chords and rythm and as it turns out it's good as a slide guitar. So next month I'm also going to buy a slide for it and put the shot glass I had been using on it for now back in the souvenir rack. Of course that just means I'll have to buy a decent steel string electric acoustic later.

In hitting the music stores for supplies and slowly accumulating odds and ends here and there these last few months I did manage to find a good bass amp at a pawn shop. All I had before was an amp for an electric 6 string I had been using for my bass but it didn't give those deep rich bottoms only a bass amp can give to a bass. I also bought a looper pedal and sound effects software I loaded on my laptop and smart phone along with the cables and adapters so I can plug my bass or my other guitars  into the laptop then plug the laptop into the looper peddle then amp. Why go to all the expense of buying all those separate effects peddles or spend $500 or more on a multiple effects pedal or rack processor when all you need is software and a laptop or smart phone and a few cable adapters. The only other effects I would need to get is a wahwah pedal and talk box and I would have them all. I have also been eying up an archtop hollow body for jazz, a six string bass, keyboard amp, synthesizer and small mixing and recording setup. So no I haven't put the guitar down or music away. I'm just getting started again after all these years. Maybe I forgot to mention it but Gina used to say "the only difference between the men and the boys are the price of the toys".  I still have no idea where she got that idea from :)
It just seems to hit me in spurts for 3 to 4 days at a time that I don't want to do anything. It's not only due to the loss of Gina but also the symptoms of depression. I never meant to come off of my meds or loose touch with a psych monitoring my prescriptions but when I started caring for Gina everything for my self got placed on hold. Naturally the meds I had got depleted.  The Veterans admin has a new psych assigned to me and I meet with them for the first time on August 25th. There is a 90 day wait due to availability but they aren't trying to hide it or BS about it like they did before the scandal. In the meantime they have me seeing a psychologist every two weeks. When the scandal broke in 2014 I sort of did a transition into the private sector. So I guess you could say I'm returning to the VA but I haven't seen any changes except one real big one and an important one. I no longer get the sense that the staff and doctors have the us against the vet attitude and they really do want to work or care for me and other vets. I no longer feel like I'm a number there and the medical staff is now asking me for ideas and suggestions not only on how they can improve but to see what sort of ideas I may have about my own treatment. Heck even an ortho doctor asked me about preference for type of replacement hip I would like. So I told them from a mechanical engineering perspective why I would never put a metal on metal hip or replace any joint in the human body with metal on metal. He acted surprised that I knew what I was talking about. I told him the same laws of physics, math and chemistry apply to the inside the human body that apply outside of it, including to the industrial systems I used to design. Anyway even if there are other changes I have noticed or not. That change alone is probably the most important one. It means a lot to me and other vets.
Child Loss / Re: Loss of Son
« Last post by BonnyLu on July 29, 2017, 08:21:41 PM »
Thank you Terry and JustMark!  I am so sorry for your losses!  It will be 6 months on August 3rd since Tom died,  His Birthday is August 7th.  He would have been 48.  This will be the first birthday that I haven't been with him.  He was such a strong, intelligent loving person.  He has 2 grown sons in their 20's.Instead of Good-bye when they left, he always said, "Daddy Loves You."
He knew he was going to die.  He told me every day how glad he was that God gave him a Mom like me.  He also felt like he was a burden to me.  I told him time and time again that He wasn't and I WAS glad to care for him, it's called being a Mother.  He lived a year and 4 months after the brain surgery. 
Today my 87 year old mom fell and had an injury to her head. When the ambulance came, they put a bandage around her head and I JUST LOST IT.  It reminded me of the bandages Tom had to wear for months.  I couldn't stop crying,  Am still crying. When does it get better?
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