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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« Last post by Lacemaker on June 24, 2017, 08:44:40 PM »
Hi Mark...So glad you took your brother up on his offer. None of us need to be alone on any of those special days that are triggers for us. Proud of you for stepping up and doing more cooking to take better care of yourself. And you know that Gina would be pleased with you for it to.. Sure wish you could sleep though. Amazed you have no lack of energy.. On my long nights I sure feel zapped.. Keep taking care of yourself and try not to overdo to much. Its easy when we are trying to keep ourselves busy sometimes to not think of consequences of our actions till we are hurting.. Hope you have a good week. :cat:
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Been a month
« Last post by JustMark on June 24, 2017, 03:51:06 AM »
Last week on the 13 was our anniversary and Gina's third month after her passing was on the 16th. Time has passed so achingly slowly but I wonder where it went because it only seems like yesterday when I found her on the floor. My brother, Bob had called me and invited me to down to spend the week with him and Belinda, his wife at their home. At first I wasn't going to as I don't like to impose but Bob said they knew that this coming anniversary was going to be hard and that I shouldn't be home alone. Even after all these years Bob still knows his brother. during the week we went out and did some sight seeing and Bob and I did a little fishing as well. We didn't catch any fish but the dogs loved the water. Even though they tried to help keep me occupied and my mind off of things they knew I was still hurting and wasn't my usual self. At times I'm sure they noted I seemed somewhat distant and lost in memories at times but they understood. I'm actually glad I went because it was hard for me but being at home it would have been much worse. If I would have stayed home. Bob confessed and  he said he was worried about me being at home with all the meds and said we are loosing 22 of you vets each day. I said well Bob I'm in no rush to be a statistic and I know where to go and also when to ask for help. I said there is a reason why I am still here. I may not know the reason right now. One day I will. Until I do I know God wants me to help others and so I will.

In the mean time I came along further then expected on guitar this last month. Of course I'm spending more time on the class then a normal student. So I'm  little further along then most are that started the same time as me.. It helps me deal with the grief and loss of Gina at night. A lot of things I thought I had forgotten from back when I was playing professionally and studied classical have come back quickly. I still have several months left in the course I am taking. It has a total of 20 sessions and I'm halfway through session 4 and I started the course 2 months ago. I found one artist that I am really impressed with and considering taking a one week work shop that he offers after I have completed this course. It will mean I have to go to Europe for that week He is very impressive and plays a style that is primarily flamenco with a nice subtle blending of classical guitar. If you get the chance you should see him play so pull up a youtube video or hit his website. His name is Estas Tonne. One song stands out most in my mind that I have seen him perform is "Song of the Golden Dragon". 

I still experiencing the highs and lows with missing Gina also this last month They seem to be a lot less extreme I guess you could say. New development about every third or fourth night I don't sleep at all. I don't get drowsy or tired  and I'm not necessarily dwelling on anything specific. I'm just totally wide awake for some reason and no loss of energy. like right now I wasn't sleepy and started typing this entry around 4:30 am and It's now 6:00 am. So another night I didn't sleep. Also this last month my appetite has improved and I'm eating more. I have started cooking a little bit as well. Cooking a small 3 or 4 course meal for me about 2 or 3 times a week now. I wasn't able to get stuff to the dump or materials from the hardware store to work on the house. The van I use for that I had to do some work on and there were a few things it needed that I had to take it to the shop for. Not because I don't know how to do them or didn't have the tools for. It was because my disabilities that kind of work as there is way too much stooping involved. Yes it does bother me that some things I used to be able to do I can't anymore. I'm already doing more on the house then I'm supposed to but it keeps me occupied and out of trouble I guess you could say. The vegetables are doing good. For starting late they are already producing. I got one squash plant that is already has a coverage of leaves that is about 5 to 6 ft across.
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by Terry on June 23, 2017, 08:24:11 AM »

Hi Kim,

I'm so sorry to read of the death of your precious husband. Welcome to Webhealing. :love9: Our newest members are Mark and Raven. You'll see their posts below.

Post as little or as much as you feel up to posting, someone is always reading. Grief can be very confusing and also, overwhelming. One day, hour, minute at a time and sometimes a second at a time is how we work through this and in our own time. Learning and accepting that we have to live without someone we loved so dearly is work. And, although it may feel like it at times....I don't believe you are nuts or anywhere close to it. Pain roars and it stings and can cause us to ride the 'ocean of emotions' wave.

We're here for you. If there is anything I can do for you, just message me or post it here on the board.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by JustMark on June 21, 2017, 10:56:56 PM »
Hi Kim, I'm not sure there is a wrong way or a right way or a way of doing things correctly here. Some of us just say what is on our mind or talks about what they are experiencing or going through and someone will typically respond and share their experiences, advice of what worked for them or perhaps share some insight. I think the only one that comes here with any sort of professional experience is Terry. I could also be wrong as I really haven't inquired about her background and she may have just come here to get support for herself some time ago and was asked to be moderator or something like that. Trust me when I say this I have absolutely no doubts I can be wrong at times. The rest of us are either going through or have already been through what you have dealt with or will be in your loss or. So we all respect and try to help each other and truly understand the hurt, devastation and loss one can experience.  When I first came here I wasn't going to open up or let my hair down but I seen where others did get help that opened up. So I followed their example and I also learned a long time ago I have to be honest with myself as well as others or no healing can take place. I also learned it's ok to say when I hurt in here. From what I have seen of the various conversations in here I haven't seen anyone being judgemental either. This is the first time I have ever spoken to you and I believe you can see by the way I am expressing myself and being honest when I say I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. I do understand.

I can also relate to operating a business. That is what Gina, my wife and I were doing at one point. I'll soon be reopening it in honor of Gina after I get more of the rehab and work done at my house. I'm also pulling an engineering company out of storage that put in mothballs back in 2005 to get help for the sever onset of my disabilities at the VA. Her and I both are disabled and deep down inside we both understood she would go first. We both didn't realize it would be this soon. Just this last week would have been our 8th wedding anniversary and it was also the 3 month anniversary of her passing was only three days after our anniversary but I don't feel sorry. I sense her at times and weird things do take place at my house now I can't explain. Even with my engineering knowledge.

I promised Terry earlier that for my and Gina's anniversary I would post how I came to propose and marry Gina and I will in another thread tonight or first thing tomorrow so keep your eyes open for it if you are curious. I'm a man of my word and I will be posting that in the thread "been a month". I'm tracking my progress there as I go through this. Last week my brother and sister in law wanted me to come to Richmond to their house to get away from home last week. But you read what I post and you will see why I don't feel sorry about Gina passing. Don't get me wrong I do hurt very terribly and miss her very much but I don't feel sorry for myself for what I am going through. You see I know one day I will be joining her. I don't know when it will be but it will happen.

She heard all about my dad from me and my brothers and she always said she wished she had met him. Well she has met him now and right now she is playing with PJ. Her son Peter James. I haven't met him. Let her go ahead and take her time and play with him. While I have been typing I sensed she was around and a song that was one of our favorites began playing while I have been typing and it hasn't played on the radio in years. The song is called "Walking Her Home" by Mark Schultz listen to it or pull it up on you tube and listen to it Kim. The last couple of years I was walking her home. If you listen to that song and understood what our last few years were together you will understand that. Gina always said she had felt guilty not giving me a son. I'm not sure if she is watching right now or will read what I say later but I still sense her presence. It's ok Gina, you did give me a son. You made me PJ's step dad so you take your time and play with PJ. Tell PJ about his step dad and let him know. I may be taking my time but one day I am still coming home. All Gina has done is move to a different plane of existence and she doesn't hurt anymore. Needless to say I mentioned weird stuff happening around here now. So how in the heck did the radio station station know to play that song just a few moments after I remembered I promised Terry to post how I managed to propose to Gina and almost married her in the hospital in 2009. With this kind of stuff happening I don't doubt she read or will read what I just posted and I'm just as logical as the next person the only difference is I have seen or experienced enough evidence others haven't.
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Thinking of you today, Mark
« Last post by JustMark on June 21, 2017, 08:26:13 PM »
Thank you Terry, I was actually gone last week. My older brother and his wife remembered it was my and Gina's anniversary as well as 3 months since she passed. They were worried about how I was going to be doing last week so they invited me down to their home in Richmond. It did help me quite a bit with the change in scenery and not having to worry about dr appointments and other things I normally do. For me I guess you could say it was the first vacation or any sort of time spent away from the house since the year before Gina and I had gotten married. With Gina and I there were always medical emergencies or canceling plans at the last minute because one of us with Gina and I would have issues with either her or my disabilities.It was nice. We did a little sight seeing, went to a couple of colonial American  and a couple of civil war sites. I even got to do some fishing for the first time since I bought my house in 92. My brother Bob even told me to bring all three dogs too. We didn't catch any fish but the dogs sure enjoyed the river we were at.
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by kim.knight66 on June 21, 2017, 09:01:55 AM »
Hello.  I am going to be brief here because I am not sure I am even doing this correctly.  My husband, whom I have known about 30 years and been married to 22.5 years, died this year 1.5.2017- totally unexpectedly. I am trying to find a way to deal with my grief - anger- confusion- disbelief - while continuing to live and raise our four kids and run our business.  There are so many things I don't know about this - other than it is a constant up and down and although friends and family are there for me and my kids- no one knows what to say or how to talk to me.  So, I am hoping to find some way of communicating with others who might be able to relate or tell me - no your not nuts or yes you are nuts.  Thank you.  Kim
Child Loss / Re: Lost my daughter
« Last post by Lacemaker on June 18, 2017, 07:16:15 PM »
So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are hurting. Just know we are here if you need to talk or just vent. I lost my mom a couple of months ago and found this group. .We are all here for each other. When your ready to share about her we would love to hear about her. Take care and be kind to yourself. Just know their is no right way to grieve.. Some people will try to tell you how you should feel and what to do. You won't find that here. Take care and try and have a good week.
Child Loss / Re: Lost my daughter
« Last post by Terry on June 14, 2017, 07:07:06 AM »

I'm so sorry for your great loss. Welcome to Webhealing.

Share as you're able about your precious daughter.

We're here for you.

Child Loss / Lost my daughter
« Last post by garney on June 13, 2017, 09:48:22 PM »
My daughter was killed in a car wreck Mar 10, 2017
Spouse, Partner Loss / Thinking of you today, Mark
« Last post by Terry on June 13, 2017, 08:32:06 AM »

Holding you close in thoughts and wishing for a day with gentle memories on this your Wedding Anniversary. May your moments of remembrance of your precious  :angel11: Gina :angel11: fill your heart with the love that is everlasting.

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