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I am having a hard time today.  It is not only 1 year and 1 month since my sister's passing but it is also Friday and Fridays are still so hard for me.  That is the one regular day of the week we would talk on the phone.  The other days varried from week to week.  It just hurts so much.  I hate this pain.  I just HATE it.

My suggestion would be this:  If you and your Dad did things together choose one or two of ya'll's favorite things to do together and do those things on the anniversary.  That is how I got through the anniversary of my sister's passing.  I actually felt that she was there with me as I was doing the two things I chose to do.  I just pray for peace for you and your family on that day.

Gail

Hello, I'm new to this site. November 24th is the first anniversary of my husband's death. He was 65 years old, was partially paralyzed by a stroke 3.5 years before that; a second, more serious stroke led to his death 4 months later. I find myself looking at the calendar and remembering vividly what was happening a year ago. On this date a year ago, he was taken to the ER from the nursing home for the last time. He had his 5th episode of pneumonia, GI tract infections and he was delirious. He stabilzed for a couple of days, then went into respiratory distress. I am still upset that I went home that night and he died early the next morning and I wasn't there.

I seem to re-live in my mind, everything that happened over the next few days.

I feel like I should also have some sort of ritual to commemorate his passing. My famly is Buddhist, and the death anniversaries are honored with incense, lighting of a candle and a prayer. At the same time, I feel like I should schedule something joyful and thankful. The last few years being a caregiver to my husband was very difficult, and I feel I have a new lease on life.

I feel very split, in my feelings of appreciation for my life now, and all the sadness and suffering that happened last November and the years preceding it. Thank you for letting me share.

NoriB

Hi Hoffman,

I am so sorry to have to welcome you to this site. It's awful that we all have to be here. But this is a helpful place to come when you need to and I think it's healing to get things out of your mind and at the same time encourage others.

I am very sorry that you are with out your parents now. It is a sickening feeling to think at 29 you are an orphan. I am so sorry.  I lost my Dad last Feb to cancer, he was everything a father should be to me and so much more. He was the center of my gravity.  I know that there was a time not too long ago starting from the minute he died that I didn't care what happened to me. I would have rather been dead than feel that pain...I still feel tremendous pain now, but I get breaks which leaves me my sanity. I willed death to come to me. I just didn't care. Although I couldn't take my own life (only because Dad would have been very disappointed), an illness, a deadly accident...whatever, I welcomed it and I really no longer fear death.

I wonder if that was a part of your Mom being able to let go.  When you are greiving for someone so essential to your life, as I am sure she still very much was over your Dad, nothing really matters anymore, at least for that time span. It is very difficult, as you know, to find strength in any form. Some days just getting out of bed or speaking in a complete sentence is a major milestone.  I can see with your Mom being so sick, maybe she just didn't have the strength...and it was ok, maybe even a relief, to let go.

I see beyond my greif a little more now and find myself looking to the future a bit more, where as even a month ago, I felt there was no future for me.  We have to learn to live without our precious, dear loved ones...somehow, some way. I feel I will fight with this my whole life.

I hope that you will be able to sort these things out somehow and be ok with what happened...in your own time.  I have seen a counselor and though I haven't realized it until recently that she has really helped me. I can talk to her and about my feelings, sadness, anger. Others, even those closest to you, tire of the sadness WAY before we do.  Peace and strength to you.  You are in good company here.

Sara, wow, that is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Thank you so very much for posting it. When I first started listening I started crying and as the song went on "you live what I believe" I pulled out a photo album of Taylor from baby days to 14 and I found myself smiling remembering ... just remembering and also knowing and believing he is in heaven. I had a dream one night that I was coming up through some woods and I saw a beautiful log cabin. I went in through the back door and it was beautiful.. but it was void of any people or furniture. I went to the front door and went out. There was my mom with a big basket of red apples and my dad tall strong and handsome.. they both ran to me smiling and I looked over and saw my grandpa and grandma slow dancing under a big billowy tree and they smiled and waved.. everyone so happy.. I kept trying to look over my moms shoulder and she smiled and said I know who you're looking for.. and he's here.. oh my heart was pounding and I felt such a surge of warmth go through me. I heard giggling and Taylor must have been about 7 years old... he was playing hide and seek with me from one tree to the other and I was happy beyond words just happy filled with contentment and joy... I think I got a glimpse of heaven. Thank you for posting this beautiful beautiful song... Love, Brenda

[Every Minute That I Breathe]

I found this song yesterday…. Jana wrote this (sings it herself) after she lost her daughter.  I thought those of you who share the same Christian belief might like to hear it.  My prayer is that her words will minister to you during these difficult upcoming holidays.

Click on blue title and it should bring up Media Player with the song.

Every Minute That I Breathe
by Jana Alayra

Photos on the mantle I won’t change
For they still remind me of a day
You filled our hearts with laughter and your smile
How we loved you, for a while
The day came in the blinking of an eye
When suddenly we had to say goodbye
As you were soaring homeward through the blue
Part of me went right along with you

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Now every minute that I breathe, you live what I believe

You gave me so much more than joy
In you I saw a reason for each morn
In a world unwinding as it spun,
Holding you would make me still again
Many say your days with us were too few
But they were numbered by the Lord for you
A message of your life remains through time
Jesus gave you everlasting life

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Every time I see you dancing through my mind
Though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you live, to watch you sing and dance what would I give
Now every minute that I breathe, you live what I believe

One day I will see Jesus come for me
No one knows the hour He will come
I will fall at His feet for all He’s done for me
Then straight into your arms I’ll run

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Every time I see you dancing through my mind
Though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you live, to watch you sing and dance what would I give
Now every minute that I breathe
Every minute that I breathe
Every minute that I breathe
You live what I believe
You live what I believe

Thanksgiving has always been one of my most favorite holidays.  I love to have the smells of the turkey, etc. in my home.  I love to invite many people and just have a fun day.  Well, we are going to our daughter's sister in law MIL.  Our closest friends will be joining us.  All of these people are just wonderful.  The only person missing is my Jason.  I will see him wherever he is in the room but will miss him more and more because he loved this holiday, especially string bean casserole.  I love you Jason and know that you are always in my heart, and will be two fold on this your 4th Thanksgiving, running around in the sky with Jerry Garcia.  I love you my son.
Rebecca Jason's Mom... and right now my heart is beating because I can feel him kiss cheek.

Hi. This is my first time on here so I guess I'll tell my story.  I am a 29 yr old AF wife and mother of 4.  In March my father passed away suddenly from a heart attack.  I can't say I was shocked because I knew it was going to happen someday due to his lifestyle, I just didn't expect it to be yet.  He was only 58.  He had a heart attack.  We were living in AK at the time, my husband was deployed, I was doing my social work internship and my family lives in PA.  It was so hard.  My dad and I were close.  My mom was holding him when he died.  At the time, I would get so angry and frustrated with her because she wouldn't stop talking about what those last 15 minutes were like.  She wouldn't let it go.  Now I understand.
In September I got a phone call from my brother that my mom had a heart attack. She was 52. Thankfully I live in middle of the country now so I was able to go straight to Pittsburgh.  I expected to be there for a few days.  When I got there I was shocked.  She was in an induced coma.  They did it to help her brain heal.  They kept her on ice too.  It was so hard to see her hooked up to machines.  My mama was always such a strong person and always there for me.  I felt helpless.  Well, to make a long story short, her brain was damaged and we had to make the decision on whether to take her off of the respirator or not.  She was always very vocal about what to do if this situation ever occurred so there really was no decision for us to make.  It took 10 hours and it was the hardest 10 hours of my life.  They said she wasn't in pain, but it was terrible.  I just laid on the bed with her and felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do for her.  The last few minutes were peaceful and she looked beautiful.  But I can't believe they are both gone.  It doesn't even seem real.
I feel guilty for so many reasons.  I should have told her to go to the ER when I talked to her the day before.  I feel guilty because I didn't have the "come on barb, you can pull through this" attitude that everyone else at the hospital had.  I didn't feel her there.  I felt that she was already gone and while everyone else was telling her to come back I was telling her it was OK to go with dad.  What if she was there.  It doesn't even make sense to myself when I say it outloud but I can't help but feel terrible. 
I'm just so lost right now.  I feel bad because I am so lost in my grief for my mom that it makes me forget that my dad is gone too and then I'll remember...  my mom was my best friend.  My kids don't have any grandparents. 
My husband tries to comfort me, but its like he says... he doesn't truly understand how I feel.
I'm happy that my parents are together again, they would have been married for 31 years in May.  But at the same time I want to know, if my mom did have a choice and let go to be with my dad, why weren't we good enough.  Why couldn't she want to be with us.  I get so mad when people say she wanted to be with my dad because she had us to live for.  She had her grandkids to live for.  So I can't believe that she had a choice.  Maybe God took my dad first so that it she wouldn't be scared to go when it happened.  That is a comforting idea for awhile and then I'll feel like a little girl again who just wants her mama.

Thanks for letting me get it out...

Lost in NE

Hi Tom,

I am so glad the board is back up -fighting a flu bug here, but checking in to see that everything is back up!

Dena, Josh's Mom

Hello Terri:

I can so identify with what you say, and the good news is that it is quite normal, and the result of stress.  But you really do think you are going off your head (lol).  Life can be stressfuloften, even at the best of times, never mind in the aftermath of bereavement and grief. 

I agree with Allan.  Things do surely fall into place, and the world does not stop turning.  One has to cut oneself some slack.
It will get better, Terri.

You made me smile, Donna.  I remember frantically looking for my car keys, around the house.  They were in the FRIDGE!!!

Best to all
Seven