Recent Posts

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Am I numb, in denial?
« Last post by BLW on September 17, 2018, 08:16:56 AM »
Hi. I lost my husband early July, 2018. We were together 20 years and he fought a good fight with cancer for 14 months.  My job allowed me to stay home and take care of him his last 3 months. For that I will be eternally grateful. As I was taking care of him, I pushed my feelings back, and just did what had to be done. Now that he is gone, I don't feel like I am dealing with things like I should.  I have always been able to talk about him without breaking down, like most people do who lose someone close to them.  I wonder if I am numb or in some kind of denial, or maybe since I pushed my feelings aside for so long, they just haven't resurfaced yet. I don't have the desire to go anywhere or do anything besides stay at home with my 2 dogs.  I did go back to work 1 week after he passed, so I do have connection with people there. I am starting grief counseling this week per my doctors recommendation since I lost my Dad 6 months before my husband.  Didn't get to mourn for him due to taking care of my husband. I do write in a journal what I feel occasionally. I read a lot of the posts already, and maybe I am more normal than I thought.  Everyone thinks I am so strong, they just don't understand it's a front I put on. I miss my best friend so much. I know this post is all over the place, but that is how my mind is now.
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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by BLW on September 13, 2018, 08:25:01 AM »
Hi, I just found this site and thought I would try it out. My husband graduated to Heaven a little over 2 months ago.  He fought lung cancer for 14 months, with the last 3 months of his life being taken care of by me.  I lost my Dad in Dec 2017 and then 6 months later lost my husband. I have pushed my feelings back so far away so I could just do what needed to be done, I'm afraid its all going to pop up someday and smack me through the face.  I went back to work 1 week after my husband's death and that has helped I believe.  Is it strange that I can talk about my husband and dad, just like its someone else's family and not show any emotion?  I do get lonely when I go home of an evening, but I have 2 dogs and that's been a huge help as well. I have found that songs will bring up memories and sometimes I cry but most of the time I don't. I haven't went through his belongings yet, just don't want to, I guess.  We didn't have children together, but he had some from a previous marriage. Two girls give me a hard time, but the son is great.  He helps me out when I need it and promised his dad to watch over me.  I guess my question is...am I in denial, or numb?  I can't seem to figure out why I am not more emotional than I am.  I do take anti depression and anxiety medicine, but I didn't think that would make me not feel anything. There are times I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone and just stay at home and do nothing, like I don't want to be here anymore.  I guess my feelings are all over the place.  Anyone out there feel this way ????
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Spouse, Partner Loss / Almost 17 months
« Last post by Raven2017 on September 12, 2018, 04:27:55 PM »
It's so hard to believe that Jim has been gone for 17 months.  Some days, it feels like forever and other days it feels like just yesterday.  I haven't been on this site for awhile as I feel like I should be farther along this journey than I am and I didn't want to keep posting all my sadness.  I miss him so much and life is so different now.  I am so very lonely for JIM.  I want to talk to him, I want to hear his voice and feel his hugs.  I am still incredibly sad. His death was SO unexpected and he was only 59....I wonder if that's why I am having such a hard time?
I was reading some of the newer posts and I'm so sorry for all your losses.  My heart breaks for all of you. I don't think anyone could ever describe this feeling of complete "aloneness" that we experience when our spouse dies.  I have tried to explain to people but it's impossible because you can't describe the emptiness to anyone....it's going out and coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone and cooking for one, not having him to talk to about ordinary, everyday things. I think it's the everyday life that changes so much...all the little things that aren't so little anymore.. 
I don't think that you can put a timeline on when the pain goes away, it's different for everyone.  I don't think it ever "goes away" but it does soften a little bit. I can say that the intensity of my pain has dramatically decreased but it's still there...just a little further back in my heart.  I can only say that it took me close to a year before I began to feel any different, but that's just me....I'm never sure what's going to bring it to the forefront again, sometimes it's something as simple as an older couple walking by, holding hands.  I used to get resentful when I saw this - why them and not Jim and I - now, I just feel a little burst of sadness for what should have been.
My life is good....I have wonderful children, adorable grandchildren and I am fortunate for the most part.  I just can't get past how much Jim is missing...how many changes that he didn't get to see in the past year and a half and it makes me sad to see life going on without him.  Of course it has to but it's just hard.  Sometimes, I think that something happened last year and then I remember that Jim has already been gone for over a year so it must have happened 2 years ago.  It's a strange feeling and then it makes me realize that I have lost focus for over a year.  It has been surreal, going through the motions and pretending to be fine on the days that I'm not.  It is "better" now than it was and I'm sure that it will soften more as the days go by.  It has to or no-one would ever survive this...that's what keeps me going....all the survivors on this site
This website was my salvation.  I had never been on any website before but I was so lost when Jim died.  As JustMark said, the people on here are not judgmental, they are very kind and everyone is hurting.  I liked the fact that it was anonymous because in real life, you can't really talk about the intense pain of losing your spouse because it makes people uncomfortable.
I learned a lot from reading recent and older posts.  I did this for quite awhile before I ever posted.  There were so many people that described exactly what I was feeling and it made me feel like I wasn't alone.  I found coping mechanisms - some worked, some didn't for me - but it seems to me that just sharing your feelings with people that, unfortunately, completely understand what you are going through is very helpful....it makes you feel less alone, even for a little while.
While I never really followed this advice even though absolutely EVERYONE gives the same advice, it is VERY important to continue to eat, drink water and even take supplements if you have to.  It is almost a year and a half and I have finally started to eat properly for the most part but not doing this has certainly taken it's toll on me. It's hard to do but I think if I had done this, I would be a little farther ahead, physically, right now and taking care of myself a little better would have probably helped me focus on life a little sooner that I have.  I guess we all do what we do in our own time but in hindsight, this is something that I wished I had done sooner.  Your body and mind are going through the most horrific experience that you couldn't have possibly imagined and you need to take care of yourself, even if you don't have the energy.
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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: WAITING IN THE LIGHT
« Last post by kagsoccer@gmail.com on September 12, 2018, 02:09:10 PM »
I am the author  of this poem (written about my son who passed and copyrighted in 2013)
Kelly Polley Giesler
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Child Loss / Re: Birthdays & Angel Days
« Last post by Michellecourtnee on September 10, 2018, 06:49:59 PM »
Nixon Mitchell Cordova

Birthday: December 1st, 2013
Angel Day: Christmas 2013


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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Spouse passed away 6/23/2018
« Last post by JustMark on September 04, 2018, 10:57:29 PM »
Well Hockey2129, I'm sorry about your husband. I know the first couple of weeks after Gina passed I had to keep myself busy with things around the house to keep my mind occupied and they were the hardest. I don't think I could go more then 5 minutes with out shedding a tear. It also seemed like time went so slowly. The length of time it takes to get over the hurt varies with everyone differently. About a month and a half to two months after Gina passed I started playing guitar after several years of not playing. Gina used to love to hear me play. I guess you could say in my case the hurt slowly subsided and I noticed the hurt for the most part wasn't there anymore. There are still times I do feel the hurt but it's not as intensive and what helped me cope through out all of this was this forum.The very first time I managed to laugh was on the first Gina's birthday after her death because I had remembered the first birthday I celebrated with her. It does get better and it takes a while. I think sometimes people rush it and it seems to linger longer for them but it still passes. I hope this posting helps you in coping or perhaps helps with insight. Some times it does help to start a thread and just let the words flow from your thoughts about what you are experiencing. So that others can give you insight from their experiences and suggest different things to try. I don't have many friends to talk to but another thing I found helpful was praying. I know a lot of people don't believe in God but I also know a lot of people that do believe in him. It did bring me closer to him and I received more comfort. I still pray on a regular basis and at times I not only sense him but also Gina. Since then I have gained a peace and serenity and a constant feeling that things are going to be alright.
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Child Loss / Re: Happy Birthday Jae
« Last post by LaVonne on September 04, 2018, 07:49:56 PM »
She has what is called Psychogenic non epileptic seizures. She will have to go to Theraphy and try to control them.
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Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« Last post by Sgail0703 on September 03, 2018, 03:52:02 PM »
I'm new to the group and from Rhode Island
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Child Loss / Re: Happy Birthday Jae
« Last post by Terry on September 02, 2018, 04:38:30 PM »

How is your Granddaughter?
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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by navywife0219 on August 31, 2018, 04:35:15 PM »
Good day all.  I just registered because I need to see if this forum can help.  The abridged version is my husband passed unexpectedly 02JAN2018,  He had been diagnosed with IPF (idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis).  We knew it was terminal but we did not expect that there were complications with pneumonia - he was rushed to the hospital 30DEC2017.  He was retired USN and wanted to be interned at Arlington National Cemetery and it not be scheduled until 06JUL of this year. 

The months before his burial were - of course - filled with phone calls, email, signatures, and the usual things that need to be done - PLUS - the military had to be involved - more paperwork, regulations, typical military protocol. (LOL) But now that things slowed down and my mind can remember, i get emotional and actually weep.  Not just cry, but i am like a baby.

Anyway, I wanted to be able to talk and listen to people in my position.  Thank you for listening - Christine (Alabama)
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