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Parent Loss / Re: Introductions
« Last post by Justrambling on November 18, 2018, 05:48:53 PM »
Hi All,
I am  Justrambling, and I am a mom to 2 adult "boys" both in their early 20's, a wife and a furbaby mom.  I work as a Special Education Paraprofessional.  I have lost several people that I was close to.  First was my father-in-law in June 2009.  We were at the house when it happened.  Next, was my dad, who I always said was my "kindred spirit", in March 2010.  I was devastated, but as a mom, I had to pick myself up and get on with life.  I grieved, and it took several years before I could get through the anniversary without crying.  Next in Feb. 2013 was my beloved boxer dog who had cancer and finally got so sick she had to be put to sleep.  In some ways, that was harder than losing my dad.  Because she was an everyday part of my life.  My dad lived on the other side of the country, so I didn't see him every day.  A year later, I had to put my sweet kitty to sleep. Then, in Jan. 2016 my brother-in-law (husbands brother) who we were very close to, died from cancer, although he was fighting cancer, we did not expect him to pass away as he did.  He was only 52 and left behind his wife and his daughter.  His daughter was completely devastated and has been in therapy ever since.  Then Sept. 2016 my cousin, who was my best friend, passed away from cancer.  Since her passing, I can't even talk about her without crying, I have been really struggling to get over her death, she was only 55yrs. old. My grandpa passed away that same weekend.  Anyway, after him, a very good friend suddenly died in her sleep in Dec. 2016.  In Oct. 2017 my sister-in-law, also only 52 (husbands sister) who was a year younger than me, suddenly passed away, she was the caretaker for my mother-in-law, so we all had to step up and take turns taking care of her, which was extremely stressful.  Then, in June 2018 I had to put my last kitty to sleep, right before I was having hip replacement surgery.  We've also had some longtime friends pass away recently as well.  I am not saying all this for sympathy, but to explain maybe that I've had so many hits that I haven't had an opportunity to process and grieve, so I feel like I'm not myself anymore.  I don't have joy, I can laugh, but it is just momentary, and lately, I've been struggling with having any sort of feelings.  When my friend passed away suddenly, I didn't even cry, not even at the memorial service, and that is TOTALLY not like me, I'm an easy crier.  Lately, I don't know if numb is the right word for how I feel, but I feel like I have one feeling....and no strong feelings one way or another for anything.  I used to be really social and loved going out and doing things with friends.  Now, I much prefer staying home.  I have anxiety attacks sometimes, I've had to call in sick some days because I was feeling overly anxious.  The thought of having to make a phone call to some office or anything makes me panic and not be able to do it.  The thought of going to a gathering of more than 2 or 3 friends, makes me DREAD even going, so therefore, I tend to turn down the invitation.  I realized last week that maybe I need grief counseling to help me process all these things.  I'm having anxiety about calling the office about getting an appointment.  I talked to my sister-in-law about it, who then told my niece that I was anxious about it.  She is so sweet, she told me that she would go with me to my appointment if I wanted her to.  So I think I may take her up on that offer, otherwise, I think I would keep putting off calling for an appointment.  Sorry for all the rambling.  There's a reason I chose my username to be Justrambling....I am hoping that this will be a good place for me to go to help me get through this, so I can be back to my regular self.     
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« Last post by Laurie on November 17, 2018, 03:26:22 PM »
Hi, Iím Laurie. I lost my dear sweet husband of 25 years on October 24, 2018 to cancer. We had a fantastic cross country trip this past summer with no idea he was ill. We were gone 7 weeks, we traveled 7,000+ miles. We hiked, biked, visited national parks, and just had a ball. The last day in Gettysburg, he said he didnít feel good & went & lyed down in our motel room. The next day, he still didnít feel well so we drove the 6 hours home. He went to the doctor and all hell broke loose. He was diagnosed with cancer, stage 4. It was in his liver, lungs, stomach, back, and lymph nodes. We went to Dana-Farber for a 2cd opinion. He went through 2 rounds of aggressive 50+hours of chemo. We all went through hell. He decided no more chemo & his doctor concurred it wasnít working anyway. He never really stood a chance. The cancer was very aggressive. We were in the hospital from 9/21-10/22. 10/22, my birthday. My only wish was to get my husband home on hospice care before he passed. He was given his last rights before we left the hospital in case he didnít make the trip home. We made it, I got my birthday wish. On 10/23, our granddaughter was born. On 10/24, my beloved took his last breath with is family by his side. 11 weeks. Thatís all it took from the first day he didnít feel well till the day he passed. 11 short painful weeks. I thought they were painful, till he passed. I have never known pain like this, nor could I have imagined the depth of it until 10/24, now I know it because I live it every stinking day.
Child Loss / Re: 20 years today
« Last post by LaVonne on November 17, 2018, 03:36:54 AM »
thank you for all you do. Glad you are close to your sister now,that helps.This board I noticed has changed not as active as it use to be.
No one responds as they use to do. only a few . times change I guess. Hugs to you and talk later. I have to get to work.  Love you LaVonne
Child Loss / Re: 20 years today
« Last post by Terry on November 15, 2018, 09:19:34 PM »

Thinking of you and your precious, ever loved and missed, Jason.
I moved today. I'm close to my sister now as my bil  died in July.
Yes time goes by for everyone else. I couldn't go to sleep tonight without letting you know I had Jason on my mind and in my heart today.

Love you Lavonne,
Child Loss / 20 years today
« Last post by LaVonne on November 15, 2018, 04:56:43 PM »
Its been 20 years today since Jason left this Earth.I sure do miss him. We went to the land Sunday and put out wreath and flowers as I do every year. I told my husband I can't believe we have  been going to the land every year for 20 yrs. He was 47 in August and time seems to stand still at times. I don't know what to do anymore, I just function and survive. I am so tired of this phony life I live and most times can't talk about Jason because no one wants to listen.  Everyone goes on with their lives as if nothing has happened and it hasn't to them. I just work and sleep . I am so tired all the time I come home from work and I fall asleep in my chair, I don't have any energy to do anything. Just rambling I guess, No one cares anymore. Hugs to all, LaVonne mom to Jason
Suicide Loss / Re: My Boyfriends son Committed Suicide...
« Last post by cgold on November 14, 2018, 04:43:49 PM »
Would you mind sharing where you are at this point?  I'm in the same situation, my boyfriend's son killed himself 3 months ago, tomorrow would have been his 18th birthday.  And I am at a loss for what to do, how to help, etc.
Suicide Loss / Helping Partner through grief
« Last post by cgold on November 14, 2018, 04:40:08 PM »
My boyfriend's son killed himself 3 months ago.  Tomorrow would have been his 18th birthday. I'm hoping to get some advice on how to help my boyfriend through the worst time in his life.
Child Loss / Re: Where is everyone from?
« Last post by cgold on November 14, 2018, 04:16:24 PM »
I'm in Boise, ID.  My boyfriend's son committed suicide 3 months ago, tomorrow would have been his 18th birthday. 

I'm hoping to gain some insight on how to help him through this.
Grief not related to deaths / Feeling alone
« Last post by KristenH on November 13, 2018, 02:01:49 PM »
Iíve been through a lot.

In 2014, my father became officially bedridden on Christmas day due to Frontotemporal dementia and my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. She went through operations, a colostomy bag, and 6 months of chemo.

In 2015, my husbandís play went to Broadway, and for that play he was nominated for a Tony award, as was the play itself, the playwright, and 3 of the actors.

We went to the Tony award ceremony on June 7, and the next day, out of the blue, he told me he wanted a divorce. This was totally unexpected and an enormous shock to me.

In September, 3 months after that, my sisterís doctor found a tumor in her ovary. It was removed, and sent to the lab. We learned her colon cancer had metastasized, and that she now has stage 4 colon cancer. Fortunately, she has been clear for 3 years.

My father is still alive, somehow, but he is like a 2 month old infant. He can't talk or do anything for himself and he doesn't know who we are.

I have had an enormous spiritual awakening as a result of all this, but there is also incredible damage to my heart, damage that caused me to push away the man who became my best friend and love of my life after everything happened. He is gone now. He doesnít trust me anymore. This is the loss that is triggering the true healing, and therefore the one I need to talk about the most.

I am healing, but in a lot of pain still. I thought this board could help.

Thank you.
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: New! Chat Room
« Last post by Ralnic on November 11, 2018, 02:14:28 PM »
Iím sorry your husband is gone.  It is so sad.  I am not good with words.  My husband passed away 9 days ago on 11-2-18.  I found this site and thought I could help others, and I am finding I need more help myself.  He had cancer, and he fought, bravely, for 16 months.  We thought we had it licked, we were planning to go back home and finish our retirement, and then it metastasized.  Lord help us all.  I am so sick with grief that all I want to do is read the Bible and sleep.  We have been with his WONDERFUL daughters in California.  We are from Missouri.  I am still with them.  Our retirement home/hobby is a gutted farmhouse, and I spent the money to fix up the farmhouse on natural remedies, that were working for quite a while.  My future is all changed, now, and I have to figure out what I am going to do.  Iím afraid.  I know we shouldnít be afraid, but I am - Sad and afraid.  Blessings to everybody.
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