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Messages - Terry

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Child Loss / Re: Help me please
« on: November 10, 2008, 03:02:51 PM »

Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 10, 2008, 02:54:31 PM »
Jo, I'm so sorry you're Cory is no longer here. I've found that when these dates, even come close, it does seem like yesterday. All of the memories, and so very vivid, just come pouring down. We all have defense mechanisms and I believe they keep us alive.
I know my children are gone, but sometimes it's just so hard to believe, and at times, and especially around dates and oh, these seems like it's happening all over again, and for the first time.

I read a quote from a Dad from this Board and I could relate, and the reason I started posting here. His daughter died and he said.."I know in my mind she is gone but I believe that if my heart ever accepted it, I would die."

Feel everything and if it has a name, ok and if it doesn't...I have never bothered giving it one.
We all own our feelings.

I'll be thinking about you and Cory as the 19th approaches and holding you close with Love and Understanding.


Child Loss / Re: Help me please
« on: November 10, 2008, 02:39:53 PM »
I'm so very sorry Jackie that you're having to live without your precious Sammy. There really are no words except know that I understand the pain of losing a child.
I would imagine that a therapist who has lost a child would be better suited to understand your feelings. I'm sure you will get some very good advice here.

This message board, this place where people come who are in great pain, has been my safe haven off and on for almost 6 years now. I have been crying all day and in a very dark place and without thinking about it...came here.

I hope that you, too, find the same comfort.


Child Loss / This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 10, 2008, 01:31:17 PM »
I hate this time of the year. This day, this date. The 10th, when my Jeff moved back home and 2 months later he was gone.
I'm so tired today, just going through the motions, pretending to feel anything other than the pain of my soul being torn to shreds. This is wrong and it's not the way it should be. I want to hold him, touch him, just love him, be with him.  I miss you so much baby and you've been gone too long now, so please come home. Please!!!

I know he hears me, sees me and is saying.."Momma, we'll be together." And I even see him smiling. The only comfort I feel today is feeling his smile. I haven't always felt his smile, but today I do.

I can't stop crying and it feels like I'm never going to. 6 years in January, but I always said that time is no healer. Time is no friend. If I could just go back to January and change something, anything, maybe he would still be here. But I don't know what to change or how to or even if I could. I just feel so sad, just so, so sad. Different feeling than down, a feeling I can't even put into words. Words?

Back under the covers I guess and maybe tire out from crying. Sleep, at times my only rescue. Sleep, a temporary healer, a distraction from all the pain, from my insides screaming, with every fiber of my being crying..Come Back...COME BACK<>>>PLEASEEEEE!

So Empty

Child Loss / Re: Things left unsaid
« on: October 10, 2008, 08:46:24 PM »
Beautiful poem, Annie and so true.


Child Loss / Re: Things left unsaid
« on: October 10, 2008, 08:40:07 PM »
"I don't think this pain in my heart will ever end. I often wonder how can I go on part of me died that day with her. I will never be the same person I once was. Does anyone else feel this pain and emptiness and how do you go on?"

Rita, I believe the pain in my heart and the emptiness that I feel is permanently affixed in my soul, along with the awesome love and cherished memories that help me to face each day, taking each day as it comes and dealing with all of the feelings one at a time, feeling the pain, the love, the good memories, the not so good memories. It's a package deal, this roller coaster of feelings.

I, like Dena, write to my Jeff, and have since he died. It has helped me through some very dark times. Jeff was my oldest and only surviving child. He was 29, well, just weeks short of his 29th birthday. In January it will be 6 years.

Your "Becca" is beautiful Rita and I'm so sorry you're having to live without her. And all I can offer you is understanding, for your feelings of pain, of emptiness, of uncertainty. I know them well.


Child Loss / Re: My little dog is dying
« on: October 10, 2008, 07:17:57 PM »
I'm so sorry Marie. This is such a sad time and very difficult. Our pets are our family, too, and the ones who are so closely tied to our children, well, it just makes their passing feel unbearable.

Sending you a BIG Cyber Hug ((((((((((((((((((((Marie))))))))))))))))))))))


Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 19, 2008, 01:21:07 PM »
Hia Friend and thanks. The 'note from Santa' was precious. I wasn't that creative, but then, she doesn't believe in Santa anylonger. ;) But we both still believe in the 'Magic of Christmas' and all that that entails.

My sister and me have resumed conversing but it's not comfortable, for either of us.

So many lives are so deeply affected when a loved one dies and it seems that the changes are constant.
I feel her deep love which means more than anything else to me.

Know you and Jason are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:58:36 PM »
Brenda, thank you for those hugs and your thoughts of me and Jeff.
We miss our tough guys, don't we? And always will.

Living without them is learned, I've found. Learning to live 'with' this pain, this longing, and not always, "Running Against the Wind".

One careful step at a time.

Thinking of you and your 'baby doll' Taylor.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:52:27 PM »
Thank you Dottie for thinking of us, I appreciate it. I have to say that ater 5 years of living without Jeff, that there 'is' more Light than Darkness. But, oh, when that Darkness creeps in, well, you understand what I'm talking about. It seems to take a hold and we have to work harder to break free.

And I know now that there are situations I do not have to place myself in, leaving myself open to even more pain. I do have some control and I will keep this in the forefront of my mind as yet another hard lesson has been learned.

Thinking of you and your precious Tammie.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:41:46 PM »
Thank You Dena for thinking of me and Jeff. And you are right, that it is too easy to get lost in this shuffle of 'everyday living' and I'm wiser to be reminding myself I can't/won't fall into this pattern of destructiveness again.
Above all, I 'do' feel loved!

I went back to work, with a vengeance, something I needed to do for me, and also those around me.

My Love to you and Josh.

Child Loss / The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 11, 2008, 11:26:15 PM »
5 years ago today, Jan.12th, when my only surviving child, my son of 29 years, that I held onto so tightly, was taken from me.
The first year I kept thinking, well, only 1 year has gone by, maybe he'll come back. But, he didn't. Then, another year went by and I thought, well, it's been so long now, it doesn't look like he's going to come back. But, he might, because I might wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare and then everything will be alright.
Today at 5 years it pains me to say the words, to write these words...he is NOT coming back. I never wanted to say it. It's just too final.

Last December I started my own business and have advanced to a place I didn't see coming. Everything happened so fast.
The HUGE mistake I made was NOT taking time for me, which I always did before. I always journaled and every day I spent one hour with my thoughts, being careful to take very good care of myself.
Well, 8 months or so into my business, everything came tumbling down around me and I was in a very dark place and was very frightened.

I had become so busy that I lost myself along the way and now I'm clawing my way back out of a bad place, both spiritually and physically. I'm looking for me again. I just sit and cry when I think about how careless I was regarding my own health, especially, emotionally.

I'm sick with pain and angry with myself but know I have to forgive myself. I've always been at peace with who I was and was content, amidst all the havoc, I still had my self assurance to fall back on.

I'll get there again, with alot of work, a lot of patience and I know another river of tears. But, tears have become my friend. As pain has. I take it everywhere I go and have accepted that it is a part of me, just as my children are, and that will never change.

Another year, time has never been a friend to me, but what it has done was opened my eyes to possibilities and the knowing that no matter what may happen, I am a survivor. And that feels good. So, I guess there is a bright spot in this picture I paint of myself.

I'm looking at Jeff's daughter, my precious Granddaughter, laying across my bed. She looks exactly like her Daddy.
God, I miss my baby and until I take my last breath I will always yearn to hold him, touch any part of him, just once more. I really need to feel his arms around me right now. To hear his voice. I know he's with me and one day we will all be together, and I don't question 'why' anylonger, I just want my family back. I have to wait awhile longer. I know that...I just get anxious sometimes. But now I'm going to lay down and try to sleep and try to dream and I'm not going to give up on me again because that's not who my babies mother was and they know that and I'll always be Momma, whether we're together or not.
I miss you so much, can you hear my heart cry?

Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:39:35 PM »
Dottie said it best!!!

Yes, she did. It's all we can do at times, the best we can do in any given situation.
Beautiful daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss, Brenda. :(


Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:35:23 PM »
Terry, you can only do what you can do and no more. I have given up on defending myself.. people can not understand and I am glad they can't, because it would mean they have buried a child, other than just wish some people could understand our hearts will be sensitive and broken forever, not just a few days, months or years..  I'm so sorry for the loss of your children, it's  all so sad....

I think there's so much more to what is going on with her, because she was like a 'Mom' to Jeff, they were so close. I don't know. I just know she's been argumentative and hurtful but maybe I should try to look deeper. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.
Your Taylor is a baby doll. I am so sorry Brenda.


Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:23:28 PM »
Terry - I would like to welcome you back to the board - so sorry for the loss of your children and all that you have been through - I'm glad you still came back and feel able to share here - I feel very fortunate that every one has allowed me to share here too - I lost my nephew Christopher to a hit and run drunk driver in Nov. 2003. He is my brother's only child and was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday when he died. Coming here and sharing Chris and his life and my grief for his death has helped me immensely and for that I have everyone here to thank...

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

I'm so sorry that Chris is no longer with you/your brother. He is fortunate to have you in his life. To have each other to share with is wonderful. But how we wish we could instead, be sharing in their lives. :(

I feel comfortable coming here because everyone can relate to the pain of losing someone you love so deeply. This season has been particularly difficult for me. Today, Jan. 12th being 5 years since Jeff left and his birthday follows in February. Outside stressors are contributing.

Thank You Karen for your kind words and I wish you peace.

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