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Messages - Terry

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Child Loss / Re: Dena and Terry where are you
« on: November 18, 2008, 09:46:38 PM »

Oh Jackie, I wish you could feel my arms around you and know, that you are not alone, although it sure does feel that way at times.

"I will keep posting as I have noone in person to be a friend and care about me. I haven't since this nightmare began. I am completly alone in my grief and that makes it that much worse."

I can relate to your feelings Jackie. Even in a room full of people, there were times I felt like I was going to disappear. It's the pain.

There's nothing wrong with reaching out further for help, especially if you feel like you want to hurt yourself in anyway. Please know that there are people out there that do care. At times we have to take that extra step, hard as it may be because you 'do' deserve to feel cared for...we all do.

I can still remember my first post, almost 6 years ago, and speaking, as you are, of this gut-wrenching pain and feeling alone. But, I wasn't. I quickly realized that.

What has always helped me is writing down my feelings. Sharing my feelings. Taking each day as it came and just doing the best I could with what I had to work with.
I wasn't looking for a 'cure' as I knew from past losses that this is something I have to live with and I searched out every available resource, used a few from the past,  and continued on the path that has brought me to where I am today. I'm a Mom that has buried her children. And I feel pain.

I read the responses to your post and you've received very caring and wise words to hold onto. And that's all we can do Jackie, is hold on as tightly as we can and know, even through the darkness, a light 'will' shine. Maybe just enough to allow you to view the moments, hours ahead. But, it is there.
And then there will be a time when that 'dim' light, shines a little brighter and for awhile longer.
It is these moments that light our way on this journey that we must travel.

One second, one day at a time.

And remember, there are good and decent people that are qualified to help you. They really are out there. Please reach out if you are feeling overwhelmed. There is no shame in that.

And know that you are 'not' any of your feelings.

Holding you tightly and sending my Love....Terry

Child Loss / Re: LaVonne and Jason
« on: November 15, 2008, 01:45:46 AM »
Lavonne, I'm sorry your son is having to suffer from his injuries. Friends of mine had a similar problem with not being able to prove a MRI was medically necessary. They went to Shands, which is a teaching hospital. Saw a Dr., was diagnosed and the test was ordered. They are paying 25.00 a month. Any teaching hospitals in your area or 'not' in your area? Might be worth a try.
And, at this point, with his symptoms being as they are, him going to the ER would be his best chance for having the test performed. And right away!

Will be thinking of you and your son, and that he will be diagnosed very soon.


Child Loss / Re: LaVonne and Jason
« on: November 15, 2008, 01:32:13 AM »
Oh Lavonne, I'm holding you tight, hoping and praying that your sweet Jason will let you know how close he is.
I just went outside, raised my hands up and shouted out JASON!

Love You

Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 15, 2008, 12:58:22 AM »
Hi Lavonne! It's so good to hear from you and to see your beautiful Jason.

"The If onlys will destroy us because we cannot change it."

No, we cannot change the awful truth that our children have died. And you know, because I've probably shared it a thousand times, that I "Live by the Serenity Prayer" and the knowledge in it's meaning that has always kept me grounded.
During this journey, I have grown to accept that I have and always will-have, much to learn. It is truly a never-ending process. Almost like a book that someone has started writing, well, it will never be finished, never an ending because none of us know what the ending will be. We can just continue to write of our experiences. The ending will ultimately...write itself.

As you also know, I too have a Granddaughter. My Jeff's beautiful daughter. The more time that passes, the more my thinking has changed from her being my 'reason for staying here because she needs me' to...I love her dearly but I don't 'live' for her. Because when all is said and done, I will be alone with 'me' and what I've personally accomplished and dealt with and if I can feel complete by the choices I've made, lived with...the goals I've set, the dreams I've dreamed and hopefully, lived to fulfill. At the same time I don't want to imagine life without her...sounds conflicting, I know, but I think you understand where I'm coming from.
This has taken me on another journey of soul-searching and of discovery.
I'm sorry to hear of the trials you've had to bear recently and I do hope that you're taking good care of yourself and that very soon, you'll be on the mend!
And I think that you're 'very good' with words Lavonne, as you have always expressed your heart-felt feelings in a way that has always touched my heart. And I thank you for your honesty, and always...your concern.

Thank You for just being here. It really does mean so much.

And thank you, I 'have' enjoyed the sunshine, was hot in Florida today.:)
It does come in the other form, but lately very dark clouds are hovering. I must admit that I'm running on my reserve right now. (Happy that I've kept it full)

Thinking of you and Jason and sending you a Big Hug and Lots of Love!!


Child Loss / Re: Had to put our dog down today.
« on: November 12, 2008, 08:40:42 PM »
"Now just one more link to my precious boy is gone."

I'm sorry Melissa. It's just so hard. Our pets are an extension of a greater love and since they become family members too, we're having to say Good-Bye all over again. It takes us right back to the beginning.

Your 'Charlie' is a doll baby. Awesome picture.  I'm so very sorry.

Keeping you in my thoughts.


Child Loss / Re: Hello to all from Kyle's mom-please read and post
« on: November 12, 2008, 05:10:18 PM »
"Thanks for listening as usual and I hope to sometime find out how to actuallly introduce myself and tell KYle's story on this site. Can anyone tell me how. If one more outside person tells me how strong I am or how lucky I am to have my other son I am going to spit. Yes, I do love Zachy but he does not replace my Kyle."

Jackie, I think you're doing a wonderful job sharing about Kyle and Zachy. I couldn't think of a better way to introduce yourself besides exactly how you're doing it!

Taking care of my health has always been a priority, because when I falter physically, my emotional state suffers. I try to eat good, sleep good and get plenty of exercise. It has always seemed to help me. Easy? At times it has been difficult, but I've seen the price I have to pay when I have neglected my health in the past. It's too steep.

These dates, it seems, are here for you and they can be very difficult, to say the least. I understand that pain you speak of, where your body aches.
Coming here and sharing of your pain, your trials is so important. There are very supportive people on this Board, and a safe place for you to come without hearing such cruel remarks such as the ones you mentioned.

Some people Jackie, are just unaware of how devestating it is to lose a child, and at times, and for lack of something better/kinder to say....they sometimes blurt out very hurtful comments.
I have friends who love me and at times they have said things that I know they don't realize at the time how much pain their words cause, but nevertheless, it continues....with friends, family, etc.
I've learned to set boundries with those around me as to what I 'will' and 'will-not' accept. And although they can't/don't understand it at the time, by being very specific with them has helped tremendously.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now and I wish that none of us understood it and that none of us had even a need for this place. But I'm thankful it is here. And I thank you too, for being here and sharing through all of your pain.

Please take care of yourself as this time of the year can be so physically draining and rob us of our much-needed resources that enable us to find something in each day that is beautiful.
I do understand that there are times that it is difficult to see anything through this pain.

I'd love to hear more about your Kyle when you're ready.

I'll be thinking about you Jackie and 'Know I Care'!


Child Loss / Re: Christopher - 5 years (sensitive)
« on: November 12, 2008, 03:40:20 PM »
I'm so very sorry Karen for your great pain and I'm so very sorry that you're having to live without Chris. And I can only imagine how difficult it is for you knowing the one who robbed you of Chris is allowed to live his life while Chris is not. This is not fair!!! Our 'injustice system' is something many of us have had to deal with, live through and will continue to, due to their inability to produce justice.

"The Sounds of Silence". (They can be deafening.) How beautifully expressed, Karen. Thanks for sharing it.
I imagine you write often. Just you have a collection of poetry since your precious Chris has left us?

Sending you a big hug (((((((((Karen))))))))) and holding you close in my thoughts.


Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 12, 2008, 03:20:05 PM »
Thank You Brenda, and for the shout-out of a beautiful sound! That meant a lot!

A feeling that warms your soul, to me, is indescribable. The deeper we love, the deeper the pain. I believe this.

Acceptance for many things is so important to keep us balanced and basically...sane. Do any of us want to accept that our children have died? NO! Of course not. Not much more to add on that subject.

I appreciate your kindness, Brenda. Sending you love and hope for the most wonderful memory of your precious Taylor to warm your heart today.


Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 11, 2008, 02:36:27 AM »
Oh Judy, IF ONLY, yes, if only they didn't die!!! If only we could see them, touch them. If only we had just one more day to spend with them. If only one last kiss and hug. If only we could have all of those years back, oh, we would be so grateful, so whole again.
Our reality is living in that state of 'in-between' that you speak of, and managing. Maintaining. Cherishing those feelings of happiness and peace and wishing they could last forever.

I've been fortunate that, for most of my life and through it all, I have felt/been in peace. But, I agree, that 'in-between' (time)  is agonizingly cruel! You have expressed exactly, how I feel.

Thank You Judy for being here for me.


Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 11, 2008, 01:23:24 AM »
Yes Jeanne, these dates are awful. And regardless of how I try to 'rearrange' or 'prepare' (which we all know there is really no such thing) and there are times I do nothing, knowing what is coming; because it's still going to come, those draining feelings, the darkness, the's just always different.  That's a feeling I've come to get used to.

Thanks Jeanne and know that you too, are in my thoughts.


Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 11, 2008, 12:57:32 AM »
"The only way keep going is to move forward on this journey - there are no shortcuts."

Yes, Dena I agree. And the reason I am still standing after burying all my children. I have always been the 'one' that others have depended upon for strength and it does become a heavy weight at times and more responsibility than emotionally, I am able to take on.

But, I always have and others have always been used to that: Give it to Terry. Let Terry handle the funeral arrangements. Ask Terry to be POA and responsible for all medical decisions, for him, for her...she can handle it.
And I have gladly taken this on over the years for my family, and even friends. Sometimes, it's just nice, it's important, to be able to just throw my hands up and say, "No More"..I need some "Me Time"; the time to feel and the time to grieve.

I have always borrowed time and always paid it back before anyone's interest is due. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate having this place, all of you to come to and knowing that you hear me. And through all of my complaining here, I'm also saying....Thank You.

It's been a long, very long, day and night. I 'did' sleep after coming on here this afternoon and awoke feeling grateful. A welcome feeling.

Hugs and Love to you Dena!

Child Loss / Re: Help me please
« on: November 10, 2008, 03:02:51 PM »

Child Loss / Re: This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 10, 2008, 02:54:31 PM »
Jo, I'm so sorry you're Cory is no longer here. I've found that when these dates, even come close, it does seem like yesterday. All of the memories, and so very vivid, just come pouring down. We all have defense mechanisms and I believe they keep us alive.
I know my children are gone, but sometimes it's just so hard to believe, and at times, and especially around dates and oh, these seems like it's happening all over again, and for the first time.

I read a quote from a Dad from this Board and I could relate, and the reason I started posting here. His daughter died and he said.."I know in my mind she is gone but I believe that if my heart ever accepted it, I would die."

Feel everything and if it has a name, ok and if it doesn't...I have never bothered giving it one.
We all own our feelings.

I'll be thinking about you and Cory as the 19th approaches and holding you close with Love and Understanding.


Child Loss / Re: Help me please
« on: November 10, 2008, 02:39:53 PM »
I'm so very sorry Jackie that you're having to live without your precious Sammy. There really are no words except know that I understand the pain of losing a child.
I would imagine that a therapist who has lost a child would be better suited to understand your feelings. I'm sure you will get some very good advice here.

This message board, this place where people come who are in great pain, has been my safe haven off and on for almost 6 years now. I have been crying all day and in a very dark place and without thinking about it...came here.

I hope that you, too, find the same comfort.


Child Loss / This AWFUL PAIN
« on: November 10, 2008, 01:31:17 PM »
I hate this time of the year. This day, this date. The 10th, when my Jeff moved back home and 2 months later he was gone.
I'm so tired today, just going through the motions, pretending to feel anything other than the pain of my soul being torn to shreds. This is wrong and it's not the way it should be. I want to hold him, touch him, just love him, be with him.  I miss you so much baby and you've been gone too long now, so please come home. Please!!!

I know he hears me, sees me and is saying.."Momma, we'll be together." And I even see him smiling. The only comfort I feel today is feeling his smile. I haven't always felt his smile, but today I do.

I can't stop crying and it feels like I'm never going to. 6 years in January, but I always said that time is no healer. Time is no friend. If I could just go back to January and change something, anything, maybe he would still be here. But I don't know what to change or how to or even if I could. I just feel so sad, just so, so sad. Different feeling than down, a feeling I can't even put into words. Words?

Back under the covers I guess and maybe tire out from crying. Sleep, at times my only rescue. Sleep, a temporary healer, a distraction from all the pain, from my insides screaming, with every fiber of my being crying..Come Back...COME BACK<>>>PLEASEEEEE!

So Empty

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