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Messages - Terry

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5056
Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:07:01 PM »
Terry:

  So many have come and gone and I guess I don't remember what happened and sorry i did not keep in touch. I am a very private person and no one emails me and so I do not email anyone. I have only gotten a couple of emails from here in the Eight years i been here. I would love to talk with others but just never had the time. Please know i care and welcome back. Remembereing your son Jeff on his Anniversary date and will be thinking of you also. Hugs  LaVonne

Thanks LaVonne and so nice to hear from you. We shared quite a bit back then. I always appreciated your words of comfort and your support.
Your right about so many coming and going. I see very few that I'm familiar with, but nice to see quite a few that I'm very familiar with.
12:03, Jan.12 and it's now 5 years since my baby Jeff left this earth.
Thanks again for thinking of me.
So nice too to see your beautiful Jason.
Take Care my Friend.
Love,
Terry

5057
Child Loss / Re: My Wish For All....
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:38:50 PM »
Wise words Dena and they ring so true!

Wishing you also a peaceful New Year with your family and all of those wonderful memories of Josh. Of all of our children.

Love,
Terry

5058
Child Loss / Re: Our First Christmas on this journey ......
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:34:46 PM »
I had to stop over here before signing off and I'm glad I did, because I missed the gorgeous 'Pooch' in the middle last time I looked at the picture.
Irish Setter? Beautiful dog! And the little white princess, well, she/he already knows how precious this is!!!

Nite, Nite Bonnie and Happy New Year once again, to you and yours!

Terry

5059
Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:24:36 PM »
Hi Bonnie and Thanks! But it really doesn't matter who remembered what, or who read what; truly, it doesn't. It was on my mind and writing it down makes it concrete and what I needed to do, for me. It doesn't even matter if anyone responds.
That time in my life was probably the toughest I have gone through; so much pain. Being disappointed caused a great deal of pain but also, of learning.

I read your post, Bonnie regarding your first Christmas and it really touched my heart. What a beautiful way to honor Jason, sharing "Gingy", not only the story, the memory, but making a replica for everyone. Wow!! Awesome!
I could feel the positive energy excuding off your post and obviously, surrounding you!

The 'smiles' in that beautiful family picture says it all!

Hey, if you don't mind, I'd like to borrow some of that positive energy to get through tonight!!!

Wishing you and your family a peaceful night filled with the warmest of memories!

((((((Thanks again, Bonnie))))))

Love,
Terry

5060
Child Loss / Re: How Can It Be?
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:57:16 AM »
Melissa, I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel the same as you, it is still 'unbelievable' and I've never found time to be a friend. I miss my babies the more time that passes.
Knowing Jeff, he's signed up Charlie for the big dance competition..Doing the Jazzy Jeff!! I'd like to believe that.

Sending you a big, warm hug.
Terry

5061
Child Loss / Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:41:42 AM »
I was deep in thought last night and wanted to share part-Introduction, and some feelings regarding the past. I don't know why now I feel so strongly to do this, but I'll go with this feeling.

I remember coming/FINDING this board almost 5 years ago, when my only surviving son, my life, my everything, was murdered.
It was a very rocky road for such a long time because the first two years I was involved in a court case that I felt was going to knock me down and out, for the count.
My Faith sustained me and never once, did I feel anger toward God, as He didn't murder my son. Instead, all of the strength that held every fiber of my being, came from the Source.

Years ago, my two babies,  Sal was just a baby, died. My Michelle died when she was four. And I wasn't the 'type' and didn't like to hear that 'There was a reason for everything that happens' and I rejected that cliche along with everyother hurtful one.

Although I do believe that through all of the changes in our lives, we too change. We grow. We grow into ourselves and come to view a 'different' person with 'different' traits and as confusing as it all is, I went with it all and didn't change the path I was on.

To better understand where this is going and already part of it is evident; My only means of survival and source of strength, was my Faith. And still is.

So, when the time came where my greatest strength was questioned as not being honest with myself, instead of turning the computer off and practicing what I preached, TOLERANCE, I became enraged and hurt as if someone were attacking my children, which caused unimaginable pain and something I could not handle, on top of burying my children, because I wasn't about to bury my Faith.

This, to me, was a test to my Faith. And I failed. I failed to display tolerance and compassion and understanding for where others were coming from.

I didn't remind myself WHERE I was. I was surrounded with those just like me, hurting deeply, angry because our children were gone, and there was 'understandable' resentment of someone feeling Peace and contentment when those words were so foreign at a point in their lives and totally unexplainable in their minds.

I regret those that I hurt and through this experience have learned that we are all individuals with our own beliefs or not and it was so far from MY PLACE to show intolerance.

I wanted so badly for others to feel the same peace that through my words, I pushed people away from the one entity I was desperately trying to draw them too.

I am the same person, but, I am more tolerant, more understanding of others feelings, respecting that each of us need to find our own way in this life using the tools we possess, and those tools are different for everyone.

I practice my faith privately now, as I've come to know with certainty who I am and how I've survived and also, how I've lived.

That very uncertain time in my life, after the trial, when my rage had peaked and I was jumping out of my skin, the One I cherished over all others, (and still do) I defended with words of hurt and anger, which I know now was unneccessary, for He needs no defending.
I was not forgiven for that angry post and the friends I thought I had made on the Board just dissappeared. Well, my true friends, who knew me, did not, and I've continued contact with them over the years.

I guess one of the points I'm trying to make is that this is a 'horrid' journey with many ups and downs and discovering and rediscovering ourselves is a never ending process.
Living without our children is something we learn to do through this discovering, and along with this self-awareness we are constantly growing. We are constantly learning about one another.

I sure wish, and have always, that there could have been another way to reach this self-awareness, besides through the deaths of my children.

Concluding this shortly but want to answer to the many, many emails and phone calls I received when leaving the Board, I just want to say that taking in that Mom who was down and out, was poor judgement on my part. She had carte blanche to my computer and let's just say, caused a small war while she was here. Being totally unaware of the problems caused on the Board, until I was contacted by Staff and a Senior Member from the Board, and after reading her messages that appeared to be coming from me, well, I could say nothing, as everyone's mind was already made up and I was not going to defend myself against the hurtful accusations toward me.

I was thankful that at the time, there was someone on Staff that never believed the messages came from me and investigated this. It's always nice to know someone believes in you.
 I simply stated,"I had nothing to do with it." which didn't sit well with some members, but I was honest and there was another person involved, who, at this point, needed my help, regardless of the harm she had caused. I still needed to open my heart to her.

I want to thank everyone who read this far. It is appreciated. I needed to share this.

I've always found this Board to be a refuge from the Darkness, from the hurtful cliches, from the ONES and I find myself coming back again and again and it feels good to know someone is listening. And that someone understands this awful pain.

On a ligther note, I started my own business a little over a year ago. I have gone far beyond what I believed I could reach in this years time. It feels good to be giving back. I've met some wonderful people but still have to guard my heart, as words still, and probably always will cut deep; even when we know there is no malicious intent. Most people mean well. They just don't know what to say and spout out the most hurtful things. I've come to understand that there is NO understanding for them, since they haven't buried a child. I look at it from that perspective and even smile, thinking, how fortunate they are to not have to live with this pain!

In January, my son, Jeff's, death date is approaching quickly. Then, his Birthday in February. I have to say that this is the hardest year for me, and how naive of me to think this pain couldn't possibly, get any worse. I was wrong, again.

To all new on this journey, my heart, my love I send you. You are not alone, although sometimes it may feel that way.
Find your 'own' safety net and go there as often as you need to.
My wish for you, when the darkness feels overwhelming and your desperately searching for light; That you can close your eyes and free fall into the arms of Love. Love sustains us. It's through the Love that we get to see these 'glimmers' of light.

I wish you all Love!
Hugs
Terry

5062
Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: December 30, 2007, 06:19:31 PM »
Thank You Karen, it just breaks my heart because she is my sister and has always been supportive in the past. I guess it's time for 'her' to move on. Sorry to sound so cynical, just how I feel right now. I appreciate your words of comfort.
Hugs

Hi Dottie..you are so right. No one walks in our shoes.
Thanks so much.
Hugs

Thanks Barb. My energy is dwindling and something most are not used to. But, it's just the way it is and I have to take better care of myself. It 'is' about the Love, yes, something she has all of, from me.
Thank You.
Hugs

Hi Jeanne, I thought I saw/heard it all, until it came from my sister. It did hurt but I had to draw a line and think about what it was doing to me, on top of everything else.
Thanks Jeanne.
Hugs

Thank You to all and I apologize for the way these messages are formatted. When I clicked on reply and it asked to use #1, #2 or whatever it said, I became confused.
Maybe I'll catch onto this. I see a 'help' section. I'll check it out.

Love to all
Terry

5063
Child Loss / Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: December 22, 2007, 08:39:11 PM »
I just had words with my sister and told her I do not want her at my home. She wanted to know why I wasn't putting up a tree for my Granddaughter this year and laid the 'guilt trip' on me until I hung up on her.
This year is especially hard with DH gone and Dad hanging on by a thread. And it isn't like she hasn't been around through the deaths of my children, but my Jeff, my life, my only surviving child...his loss has taken my heart and just squeezed any life that was left in it.

My granddaughter and I are very close and she is very content spending quality time with me as we do every year, without the glitter, the material things...she is loved. My sister is all about the glitter and I'm starting to believe will never get it!!!!

My heart is broke but at the same time I feel I had to protect myself from her inability to grasp the situation I am in right now. Her inability to show compassion, understanding.

Needed to vent.
Terry

5064
Child Loss / Re: This is going to be the worst Christmas
« on: December 22, 2007, 08:29:10 PM »
I'm so sorry Adele you are feeling so much pain. Such a heavy load for one human spirit.
I wish I could take away/lessen some of your pain.

Sending you my love and understanding.

Love..Terry

5065
Child Loss / Re: LOSING MY MIND OR AM I LOSING CONTROL........
« on: October 25, 2007, 09:38:50 PM »
I understand. Pain, that gut wrenching pain, of missing our children, does things to us. Our minds, our bodies.
Know you are not alone in your feelings.

Love,
Terry

5066
Child Loss / Re: I want to live
« on: August 07, 2007, 07:58:34 PM »

Hi Ramona...It's been such a long time and coming here tonight and reading, seeing all of the familiar faces of all of our beautiful children, has been in a way, comforting.
It's how we keep them alive. Talking about them, and with others we feel comfortable doing so, without all of the worn out phrases that break our hearts,  that we've all been subjected to.
I'm happy for you and the choices you've made, and I understand about it feeling 'strange.' Going back to college is great and I wish you only the very best. I know good things will happen to you, for you, and you deserve to feel some peace, joy.
And I agree with you that it's hard if not impossible, to find a 'new normal'. How could our lives ever be the same or normal with it's many descriptions during any given time in our lives, without our children?
All I have ever done is put my best forward everyday and I know I will always walk side by side with pain. That will never change. But your right, we deserve to feel happiness, peace and joy and by your choosing to do so, you are well on your way.
I've always believed that this life, with all of its challenges, is still a precious gift.

Take good care of yourself, and of your heart, and know you are always in my thoughts.
Love, Terry

5067
Child Loss / Re: Wishing You Peace
« on: December 25, 2006, 07:18:59 AM »

Beautiful words, Ramona! Nothing wise to add to your heart felt sentiments.

Stopped by to read today and see some familiar names and children who will always be in my heart.

This Christmas has been the most difficult for me; for our entire family.
I hope that you all find some Peace, feel some Peace today and throughout the rest of this season. As difficult as it will be, some moreso than others.
What this life does to us, having to live without our children. It is just so painful.

I've been reading Kahlil Gibran. Wonderful author. One quote that stands out more than most others for me:

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
--Kahlil Gibran

Sending you all My Love and Understanding...Terry  :(

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