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Messages - Tom

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The boards have been updated
« on: January 02, 2015, 02:29:05 PM »
What's the problem Janka?

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Merry Christmas!
« on: January 02, 2015, 02:28:34 PM »
Merry Christmas to you too!  Sounds like a snowy Christmas for you.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The loss of my beloved man.
« on: January 02, 2015, 02:27:29 PM »
Bless you Janka.  Jan must have been a wonderful fellow. 

NOTE- I wrote a note to Calgary59 who had written the original post explaining that the main board was for the grief from deaths and that this board was specifically for grief not related to deaths and that I was going to move the topic.  Well, I tried to move this topic and it was deleted! This is new software for me and it isn't quite what I am used to.  My apologies Calgary59.  Luckily I was able to salvage the text and start a new message here. So responses should be to calgary59, not to me.

i am having such a difficult time with my son living so far away from home. He moved away
For a good job, which I am happy that he has, but I really miss having Him around.  Funny thing is he's home for Xmas which I love . But is leaving in 2 days to go back out west. I am so saddened
Modify message

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Lost my everything to suicide
« on: January 01, 2015, 06:27:21 AM »
Welcome Float. The grief from suicide is a very difficult road.  I think you will find some folks here who can help.

One of the things that makes suicide and accidents so difficult to grieve is the sudden and unexpected nature of the death.  It is by far the most important variable and it complicates things.  The bottom line is that when the death is sudden and unexpected we never get a chance to say goodbye.  We struggle to simply believe what happened.   Then we struggle to try and piece the story together and make sense of the death and of our lives. It is a difficult process and having others around who have been through something similar can be a big help.

Glad you have found us.

Child Loss / Re: The connection of love and grief
« on: December 31, 2014, 08:50:53 AM »
The people I know have often said that "happy" changes.  They rarely speak of being "happy" in the sense of their old version of happy.  The grief transforms us and that transformation literally creates a new person, one who is changed drastically.  One woman told me that 10 years after her daughter's death she still had the pain of the death but something had shifted. She described it as being like a piece of broken glass that once was razor sharp but had been left on a beach in the surf and over the years the pounding sea had taken the edge off of the glass so now it could still cut her but took a little pressure. Very different from her early days where simply touching the glass would make her bleed. 

Her description has always stuck with me. The grief continues to orbit around us but it shifts over the years.

Child Loss / Re: Will be 13 years =(
« on: December 30, 2014, 05:11:44 AM »
Beautiful poem.  Thanks for posting it here.  "Still waiting" is a phrase that resonates with grief.  There are so many things for which we are still waiting. 


Child Loss / The connection of love and grief
« on: December 29, 2014, 07:25:49 PM »
All too often we forget that grief and love are intertwined and inseparable.  It is love that fuels the grief.  When we are indifferent there is little grief. 

There is no shame in loving and therefore no shame in grief.  Wear it proudly.

Spouse, Partner Loss / The boards have been updated
« on: December 29, 2014, 06:25:50 PM »
The boards have been updated to the latest version.  Please let me know if anything is not working.  It looks like all is working well but sometimes little glitches can pop up so please let me know.

There are some new features that I will be posting about shortly that I think may be helpful. 


Child Loss / Boards are updated
« on: December 29, 2014, 06:24:31 PM »
The boards have been updated to the latest version.  Please let me know if anything is not working.  It looks like all is working well but sometimes little glitches can pop up so please let me know.

There are some new features that I will be posting about shortly that I think may be helpful. 


Child Loss / Re: Our Don has died
« on: June 05, 2013, 04:45:04 PM »
God bless Don.  So sad to hear of his death.  Sad for the family that it was so sudden, that makes it tougher.

Don was always great on these boards.  A calming influence for almost everyone with a knowing compassion.  I asked him more than once if he would be interested in being a moderator here but it never worked out.  I will miss him and am grateful for all the good he did here.   


Suicide Loss / Re: My father took his life on st Patrick's day
« on: May 13, 2013, 07:12:00 AM »
Hi Joseph -  Sad to hear about your dad.  Suicide is such a tough loss and it leaves us wondering what we could have, should have done.

Remember, it is likely that your dad died of an illness called depression.  He was unable to share it with others very much like other males in our culture who feel obligated to carry their pain themselves and not "burden" others with it.  Sometimes that burden gets so high and the self esteem so low that the person who suicides truly believes his death will make life easier for their loved ones.  Of course this is a delusion but this has been the thoughts I have seen most often as a therapist with people who don't succeed in killing themselves.  They are convinced they are going to help their loved ones by dying. 

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get some contact with others who have experienced a similar loss.  There are quite a few groups out there for family and loved ones who have experienced the death of a loved one via suicide.  These people know better what you are going through that anyone else. It does the heart good to be understood.  If you need help in finding a group maybe we can help you find one.



Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: my loss
« on: March 02, 2013, 07:47:57 PM »
Hi Martin -  Glad to see that you were able to post. The death of a spouse is a difficult time.  How long has it been since your wife died?  What happened?  After 25 years together it must be very hard to manage.  Someone said one time that one of the worst things about the death of a spouse is that the person who knew our "story" is no longer there.  There is no one who knows us and our story like our spouse and it is very difficult to deal with that and a barrage of other aspects to the loss.

I am betting that you will be hearing from some other folks here who can offer support.  Welcome to the forums.


Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Spam Problem
« on: November 15, 2012, 06:44:52 AM »
Well, I think I have a temporary fix.  I started a new usergroup called nospam and have only allowed that group to post and reply. I added anyone who has been on the board for the last three weeks or so.  If you have been active in the last couple of weeks you should be able to post and reply.  If you can't post or reply, email me at [email protected] and let me know and I will get you up and running asap.

so sorry for this mess.  Keep our fingers crossed that this will be at least a temporary fix.


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