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Messages - Tryinghardtobeokay

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Almost 14 months
« on: June 12, 2018, 03:20:04 AM »
As I lay awake - again - I found this website through my husband's memorial site. I don't know what to write or say to you but I was compelled to reply as there are so many similarities to our situation.  I lost my husband and father to our young son seven months ago. Your comments are thoughts I have had many times in a day. Forever IS unfathomable. I am HALF as far into this journey along a path I did not choose... I am frightened and humbled when I see how many posts on here capture thoughts and feelings I have had... But some are writing after ten or twenty years!

We also have an acreage and a business that we ran together. I understand when you said you're doing alright keeping up with the acreage but then you look at all you aren't getting done. So overwhelming and at times frustrating and discouraging. I am also facing the decision to stay or go. I am afraid to let go and then miss these memories. Soooo many memories surround me but leave me feeling so empty and longing to see him and have him walk up and hold me. And yet, there is nowhere one can go where that this feeling doesn't follow. I have no advice to offer only understanding. When I saw your post tonight on my first visit here (or any forum site ever!)I felt the need to reply. Also, your comment about a memory trunk (beautiful idea) makes me think... Can we make it worse by hanging on? I cannot go through John's things except to smell them or hold them... I will be faced with the same dilemma with the acreage and his things. I am thinking to take pictures of things I will need to part with as I fear losing the memory attached... and this way I will still keep the reminder. Is there a way to make this worse??? I don't think so... It just is. I could never have imagined this would be our life ... And yet, it is. I'm sorry that I don't have any helpful words or ways to ease the pain... such deep pain that feels like a heavy weight in my chest most days. Despite keeping everything 'beautiful' as best as I can without his help, I realize that no amount of hard work will 'fix' this and that is something that has been difficult to accept! It flies in the face of everything I've always learned... If it's hard, you work harder... If Plan A or B didn't work, there's 24 more letters in the alphabet... Keep going! And some days it's all I can do to take the next breath.

Your comments about time passing and appearing 'normal' whatever that means... When most days I feel like a shell... On the outside things might appear to be okay but when people tell me I am looking good, I sometimes feel like replying, "I do? You should see it from this side." It is an invisible wound but feels like a gaping horrible one that should be obviously apparent... and yet it is not. Everything and everyone around me has gone on and I feel stuck... It hurts to move forward, it hurts to stand still and it hurts more knowing I can't go back... to the beautiful life we had. So... I guess we try to go on and honour the memory of our husbands the best we can. Sadly, very sadly it just is.  I can never understand or feel what you feel, My words could never ease the hurt but your words provided me some small comfort ... in a small and strange way it makes me feel less alone. It also makes me sad that another human being has to experience this 'state of being' for it is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy! I hope that  you find peace... and while I write this final sentence, the song 'Only Time' by Enya begins to play... Take good care of yourself.

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