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Messages - JustMark

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1
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 10 months
« on: April 13, 2018, 06:24:56 PM »
Hi Raven, we understood any info you found out was not going to bring Jim back. Lukily they admitted they did something wrong and will try to make corrections to prevent it from happening to others. I know it isn't that comforting. Some hospitals wouldn't acknowledge that much. For me it's just a little over a year and I exactly haven't settled into a new normal either. All we can do is take it just one day at a time. I, myself sill haven't been able to get back on track with some things as far as a routine. I know sometimes it seems like we don't make any progress, but in reality we do. Sometimes it's because we are looking for accomplishing the bigger things when we should be looking for little things. Anyway I stopped in today to see how you were doing as I know it's Jim's anniversary.

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A Special Place for Tunnie

You have a special place Dear Lord
  that I know you'll always keep
A special place reserved for dogs
  when they quietly fall asleep
With large and airy kennels
  and a yard for hiding bones
With maybe a little babbling creek
  that chatters over stones.
With wide green fields and flowers
  for those who never knew
about running freely under
  Your sky of perfect blue.
Lord, I know You keep this Special Place
  And so to you I Pray,
For one Special Fila Mastiff
  Who quietly died today
She was full of strength & love
  and so very, very wise.
The puppy look she once had
  Had long since left her eyes.
She is dearly missed my Lord
  By a very good friend of mine.
She went to join her ancestors
  To Your land that is Devine
So, speak to Tunnie softly please
  And give her a warm hello.
She's a Special gift to you Dear Lord
  From Mark, who loved her so.

5 May 2009 2 April 2018     

3
We should never underestimate the emotional, physical, spiritual and therapeutic value of a pet in helping us deal with the loss of a loved one. This thread is dedicated as a memorial to those of us that were comforted, motivated or in some other way helped us deal with our greif. Sometimes we may also forget that they too can experience grief and loss as well. For some of us they are very much an integral part of our family and others their most trusted friend. So with discussing the recent loss of one of my dogs to cancer who helped me cope with the loss of my wife with other members we felt it a good idea to have a thread to memorialize our pets. So I'll make the first post and we invite others to post about their pets as well.

4
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: How is Clapton doing Terry?
« on: April 04, 2018, 11:24:11 PM »
Thank you Mousewife and Terry, I'll start a thread after I either find a nice poem or something online or just type something eventhough it has been years since I did poetry. I'll probably start one on the main board where everyone can find it instead of searching all over the place. Terry after I start it you can always move it or pin it where you think it should go.

5
Parent Loss / Re: My momma, the love of my life, my sky, gone thursday
« on: April 02, 2018, 02:03:35 PM »
Hi Maviles, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. She sounds like she was a very special woman. I understand and can relate and this is a life changing event for you and your family. You can adjust to it but it does take long time and sometimes it can be rough. You and your brother may find that this will bring both of you closer to your father. Anyway welcome to Webhealing. I have found it quite helpful. All of us here aren't experts at dealing with grief. We just come hear to both give and receive advice on what worked for us from our experience. It doesn't mean everything we have tried works for everyone. Just that what helped one person may help someone else as we have either already been where different some people are at or going to be at point in the future where someone else has been.     

6
Spouse, Partner Loss / How is Clapton doing Terry?
« on: April 02, 2018, 01:17:23 PM »
This morning I was at the vet with Tunnie as it was time for her to join Gina, Sarge, Dainy and Dillinger, one of her brothers and sitting in the waiting area I remembered  you had posted it being touch and go with Clapton's arthritis so I was wondering how he was doing? I also was wondering if maybe we could start a thread or section for pets? I know for me the dogs really helped me with dealing with Gina's loss. I also realize not everyone has service dogs but I'm sure you will agree they are very therapeutic for helping with grief and loss.

7
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Death of My Spouse
« on: March 20, 2018, 07:29:56 PM »
Hi Caspercat, sorry to hear about your husband. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate. I know from caring for my disabled wife Gina the last 2 years she was with me and what my dad went trough before he passed in 2001. Even though you know the inevitable out come, you really are still unprepared. Those waves will hit you for a while. I still have my moments and Gina has now been gone a year. Keeping your self busy does help quite a bit. Make shure you are eating and taking care of yourself. You may also find it helpful to get a hobby. When Gina and I first met I played bass in the churches music ministry. Gina asked me why I didn't play lead and I explained I never had an electric 6 string nor ever took the time to learn. So she bought me a Fender Tele for Christmas 2014. I played it during Christmas break but to protect it while I was finishing rehabbing our home  She knew I always wanted one and told me it was time to learn. The guys I hired came back after the Christmas break so I had put it away until I finished our new office in the basement and had the room to set things up. Well in April 2015 she had surgery for her knee but while she was still recuperating in the hospital, the night before she was scheduled to leave she lost the use of her arm. So when we finally got her home I was also busy caring for her as well as continuing on the house. So time went on and March of last year she passed. I regretted that she didn't get to see the house complete or me play the guitar after I had put it up. So April of last year I couldn't get motivated to work on the house but I did dig out that guitar and signed up for classes. Other then a two to three month break for surgery on my back I've been taking care of the house and continuing to practice and relearn guitar. It has helped me quite a bit as there are times when I am playing it I sort of sense she stops in to listen and check on me.  So if you did any hobbies years ago now would be a good time to get back into them.

8
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Hi Mark
« on: March 16, 2018, 10:39:42 PM »
Thank you Mousewife and Raven, as far as my health the Gabapentin and PT are really doing the trick. I haven't experienced any more pain this last month and I been doing the PT exercises at home now. Tunnie is a different story though she is starting to slack off on eating. Skipping meals and when she does eat it's only about half of what she eat and Sox and Two Toez takes turns laying on the floor by her bed to alert me. Two Toes offered her his favorite chewy. So there isn't much more I can do for her so I'll finalize the arrangements with the vet for the beginning half of next week. I have picked up my guitar and gotten back into daily practice. I also got another guitar. A hollow body so I can learn some styles of blues and jazz. I didn't practice today though. My heart wasn't in it as it's Gina's anniversary. It's now been a year. As I look back one minute it seems like I've done a lot and the next I wonder if I did anything at all last year.You wonder where the time went and then realize how many times it seemed to drag on. I still feel a sense at times that things are going to be ok. I catch Tunnie looking off like she sees, hears or senses something. She will suddenly lift her head and look up in the direction of the hallway or the other side of the room and once in a while she will howl like we all used to do when Gina and Sarge were still here.

9
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 10 months
« on: March 16, 2018, 09:55:00 PM »
Hi Raven, I'm hoping with you getting results I hope it answers some questions and perhaps bring you some closure. It would have driven me nuts if I had questions of what happened with Gina on my mind. It was like that for me and my brothers with my dad when he died. We never got any answers. We had suggested it but my mom didn't want it investigated. I'm not sure why maybe she felt my dad had suffered and poked and prodded enough his last couple years. Maybe like you had mentioned my mom didn't want to relive my dad's episode either. My mom had rode in the ambulance with dad to the er. I was the first one mom called after dad died. So maybe she didn't want to relive it. Anyway I'm on standby if you need someone to talk to and I'll pray for God's help you tonight.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: March 07, 2018, 10:33:10 AM »
Hi Kim61,

I know those treatments that Richard went through were rough and I'm sure he was thankful to have someone like you to be by his side as he went through them. Gina and I are both disabled but when we first met we weren't aware I had anything more then depression and on back on my way to living a normal life. Gina had suffered years with a ventral hernia that 10 surgical attempts at repair were unsuccessful when we met in December of 2006. We got married in 2009 after my physical disabilities developed from past injuries I suffered while in the Army and later from working around industrial machinery. From when we had met and even after we got married we lost count of the number of er visits for the problems with her stomach. In spring of 2015 Gina had a successful knee replacement surgery and somehow or other while she was still recuperating the night they before they were going to release her she ended up with brachial plexis and lost the use of her right arm. so I cared for her for the remainder of her life for almost two years. Just after we lost Sarge our first Service dog and father of a special litter of pups we had, Gina started going down hill fast for her last 6 months. Then in March last year she died of heart attach.

For both of us it was our 2nd marriage and from the time we dated and after we married we were together just a little more then 10 years. We were inseparable from the beginning and we each treasured the time we had together. We always understood she would most likely go first and the last two years we had a lot of those heart to heart talks.

So even though we prepare for the inevitable as in your case and mine. It still hurts like hell when they go. It's been almost a year but there are still times a lot of memories flood my head and I get lost in thought. It's ok when it does happen as a vast majority of them are happy and pleasurable. The house is still filled with a lot of things that were Gina's that I don't use or have a need for as I haven't had it in me yet to get them to places they could be used. The only things I have gotten out of the house that belonged to Gina were her cloths and shoes. I sort of been holding off until I had more healing under my belt. It wasn't until just this last month I took of my wedding band and placed it in her jewelry box with hers.

11
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: March 03, 2018, 11:35:14 PM »
Well mousewife,
You said a mouthful but I'm more then happy to give my point of view on some of what you wrote. I'm not anyone that is special or have anymore insight into things then anybody else. I'm just very down to earth. Not afraid to say what's on my mind. I wear my heart on my sleeve or not afraid to say things from my heart to others, honest and sincere and occasionally have all the subtlety and charm of a hand grenade in the middle of the night. In other words I'm not always soft spoken and I am a Christian.

Any man that seeks someone 30 to 40 years younger then they are I would question if they are Christian. They are not looking for companionship, they are looking for eye candy because they want to appease their ego or foolish pride, lust of the flesh and be a show off. In order for them to do that they would need to put up a facade instead of letting people see who they really are. The sad news is for guys like that sooner or later that facade comes off.

In my case someone 40 years younger then me the girl, yes I said girl, not woman is just completing high school and doesn't know much about life yet. One 30 years younger then me puts her in her 20's, either went to college and is on the starting end of a career and maybe she is not going to let anything interfere with the career development, Perhaps they didn't go to college and is a wild child, maybe already has a failed marriage under their belt with young kids or passably some other baggage like maybe a father figure for themselves and not a companion. If that is what the guys are looking for to help fill their foolish pride or relive their youth again? More power to them. I can give dozens of reasons why a man looking for a companion and not someone as young as their children or grand children. Guys like that it doesn't bring them happiness because they begin thinking they have to keep themselves looking young and the more they peruse trying to keep themselves young while aging keeps pushing it further away and harder to hide it. 

I'm the type that should I start dating again or looking for companionship I'm in the group with those other guys looking for plus or minus 5 years of my own age. Maybe 10 at the youngest. If I need input on things from life I haven't experienced they are more apt to be able to speak from experience. More apt to appreciate similar things we grew up with like music, yes the dreaded 70's disco or dances, like I really could do the bump or hustle with out causing body damage now days. We also can't forget mood rings and pet rocks. It's ok to laugh about it. People closer to our own age are more apt to more in common then those that are two or 3 decades apart. Well I have to check on my dog Tunnie. She is due her meds and also will need to go out.



12
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: 10 months
« on: March 03, 2018, 11:25:22 AM »
Well Raven, I think the important thing is getting through the day. It does have it's moments for me too but as some time as passed it feels less of a loss. Plus my guitar playing helps but even then Gina is still on my mind. I still find it hard to get around to cooking much for myself. This last month has been a different story as I'm loosing  one of my dogs named Tunnie to bone cancer so I been cooking to pamper her while I can. The other dogs don't mind the pampering because they get some too. Gina and I were the ones that helped Dainy the mother of the litter together. So we were on hand to be there the moment every single one of the dogs were born, including Tunnie. It was our one and only litter together and now they have all almost lived a full life for dogs their size, which is 10 to 12 years. They are really showing their age with all the grey in their face. It doesn't look like Tunnie is going to make it to 9 this May as when the vet diagnosed her he gave her 30 to 60 days. That was on Feb 5th., my daughter Dawn's birthday. Gina and I didn't have children together so in a round about way these dogs were our kids. I'm holding up pretty good but I know I will hurt for a little bit but what's going to be harder is loosing Tunnie almost on the 1 year anniversary of Gina's passing. I think around here they refer to them as angel days or angel wing days.

As far as getting over Gina it still hasn't been that easy for me as even though I got her clothes and shoes out everything else of hers is still here and constant reminder of us picking things out and also some very good memories of other things like painting or drawings she did, books, music CD's and everything else that is normal for a husband and wife to buy or pick out together including dishes and stuff in the garden shed. I still have plenty of flowers from her funeral dried out but haven't had the heart to start on shadow boxes for them.

Yes time does seem to go slow sometimes but like you noticed is not really a long time. How are others supposed to know when something like this is "long enough"? Especially when everyone knows it's different for everyone even those that have experienced it. I don't have my mom, brothers or even my daughter talking about it being "long enough". It sounds like they are not trying to be understanding or they think you are dwelling on it too much. You can tell others you need some space if you think they are getting a bit pushy.

One thing I do notice is your looking at it "like you can" and he "can't" like death is final. The consciousness lives on. It just moves from one state of existence to another. Have you ever spoken or studied some of the cases where people have a near death experience or outer body experience. Like some of the people the Dr's pronounce dead or are clinically dead for a short period of time and are resuscitated. The consciousness leave the body and comes back. Look into it if you have never read about it. There has been thousands of cases of it happening. Think of them as eye witness accounts. One of the first times I replied to something you had posted I told you one day you will be with Jim again. You wont have a physical body but you will transition into a different state of existence. The consciousness is a type of energy. It initiates brain pulses in this body that you are familiar with. What initiates the brain pulses? Energy. According to the laws of physics energy cannot be destroyed. It can be changed into a different energy but it cannot be destroyed. It can be stored in matter but you can't really destroy matter what really happens is energy is released.

13
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Hi Mark
« on: March 03, 2018, 08:54:04 AM »
Well, PT seems to be helping and they also bumped up the Gabapentin. It was originally prescribed as a sleeping aid but it turns out it can also be used to help with neuropathic pain so they have me on it through out the day at a low dose. It does seem to help. I wish it was good news about Tunnie but it obviously clear what her vet meant when he mentioned the bone cancer was aggressive. He had given here 30 to 60 days and just short of a month on the pain meds since being diagnosed the meds are still good at relieving the pain but her shoulder is now more then twice the size it was and there is now a hard mass feels like a rib bone or one of the ribs is 3 times it's normal size about a foot long from shoulder to back bone. I'll probably be putting her down this coming week as this morning she got me up at around 4 am to let her out for the nathroom and it looks like now she is showing blood in her urine. So anybody that knows anything about dogs like I do knows what that means. Just got off the phone with her vet so that when it's time they will handle her cremation. So she won't be much longer. I'm holding up ok.

This last month I have done more cooking to pamper her then I have at any other time since Gina has passed. Two large pots of home made chicken noodle soup and two pots of beef stew. The crew of dogs I got love it on their dog food and Tunnie sure as heck didn't eat like anything was bothering her. You put that home made chicken noodle soup on her dog food you are lucky to pull your hand back with all of your fingers. She loves it.Anyway that's the only development. Between PT, Tunnie and working on the house the guitar took a back seat for a bit but it looks like I will be able to get back on schedule.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: March 03, 2018, 08:11:40 AM »
Hi KIM61, welcome to the group. I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Taking it one day at a time is all we can do when we loose our spouse and staying busy does help but there is still that time during the day where it can seem over whelming but it does ease with time.  I stop in here from time to time as I have gotten a lot of good advice and I been told I do ok at rendering advice here and there as I can. All of us in here are in different stages of grief and help each other trying to be supportive. In about 2 weeks it will be the one year anniversary of my wife passing. Hobbies do help quite a bit. Just after I planted a vegetable garden last year. I had a guitar Gina had given me for Christmas in 2014 and had placed in storage so it would be safe while I rehabbed the house and got the new office in the basement for me and Gina. Anyway she passed before I got the office in but I said the heck with it and dug it our early. I don't think Gina would mind and the office still isn't finished yet even though I have worked on it. I'm also disabled so I can only work here and there as I can. I have both good and bad days. Gina got me the guitar because I'm an old pro bass player from years ago before I had kids. I played a little bit of classical guitar back then too. When Gina and I first met I was getting back into playing bass for our church and she loved to hear me play. She asked me one time why I never played lead and I explained I never owned an electric 6 string or took the time to learn. That was in early 2007 Then in 2014 when I finally started getting VA disability and social security for Christmas there was a brand new Fender Telecaster with a note it was time for me to learn. I don't think she could have picked a better guitar for me. Anyway as far as hobbies I'm learning lead guitar and every now and then I get a sense Gina is watching.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: February 13, 2018, 01:13:50 PM »
Hi mousewife, not sure if I should chime in here or not as my Gina's passing is still fairly fresh to me to be worried about dating at this time. I don't know enough about you or your situation to give advice or not. So I can only go by what I see written but I think you may be putting too much emphasis on age to rule prospective candidates out. Most of the guys I have ran across that are my age, which is 56 that are widowed or single aren't really worried that much about age or finding a woman more then 10 years younger then they are because they don't want to be emotionally taken advantage of. I don't know what area of the country you live in so maybe it's your area or perhaps your just perceiving it that way.

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