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Messages - MommysPreciousAngel

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1
Main / Re: My story of loss :'(
« on: June 11, 2012, 10:21:03 AM »
Dear Shebird

Thank you for your message and I am glad if I could at all ease even a small bit of your suffering.   Please do keep coming back to write and take the support that is waiting for you here.   Again, you've been hurting such a very long time, that it is no wonder you are not the person you were before.   But that does not have to be a bad thing either.    I said it before, and I will say it again, that I believe it has to be a conscious decision on your part to start 'coming back to life'.   Maybe just finding your way onto this site is already the beginning for you.   Maybe, like Terry said, you should consider speaking to a professional person.  Either way though, you must know it wouldn't be what he would have wanted for you - to be so alone and so sad for such a long time.    I know you said English is not your first Language, but I am going to post something below that I wrote a long time ago and I hope you will find the meaning in it.    Grief is not something we 'get over', but it is something we learn to live with.  We can still miss those we lost, hurt for them and for ourselves, but we can also be happy again.  Firstly though, it is very important that we deal with our loss - even a small bit at a time.  That is why I have come back after a long time away, because I needed to face things again as well and take another tiny step towards healing.   Good luck and write any time. xxx

"The Black Box
"In science and engineering, a black box is a device, system or object which can be viewed solely in terms of its input, output and transfer characteristics without any knowledge of its internal workings, that is, its implementation is "opaque" (black). Almost anything might be referred to as a black box: a transistor, an algorithm, or the human mind."

How strange how similar the description is to my own soul. Imagine this...
You are locked inside a dark room with a black box. You can't see it, but you know it's there. You're not sure what's inside it, but you know whatever it is, it can hurt you. You crouch down in an opposite corner of the room.
You hear the box rattle and your heart skips a beat or two as you wonder if the box is locked. It rattles again and you know, you just know, that if whatever is inside gets out, it will come for you and you're not sure who would win the battle that would surely follow if you and whatever is in that box, collide.
You're frozen in terror, but you summon up every single bit of willpower you have and you force yourself to move carefully across the room towards the box. Your outstretched hands feel around in the dark until your fingertips touch the box. It's ice cold and you withdraw in fear, but the box rattles violently, and fearing for your life, you press down on the lid of the box. There are no locks, thank goodness you checked.
The thing inside the box knows you're there and tries in earnest to get out. The lid on the box nearly comes off and in desperation you climb on top of the box and use your whole body weight to hold the lid down and keep the thing inside a prisoner. You are very sure at this point that if you let it out, you will never be the same again. Your fear is so real that you can almost feel it's mocking presence standing nearby, watching the deul between you and the thing in the box.
Thankfully, hours, weeks, then months, maybe even years later, you're not sure, because you've lost track, the box stops rattling and the thing inside is subdued. You think it might even be dead, but you're taking no changes, and you find some heavy rocks in the darkness and stack on them on the lid of the box, just to be absolutely sure.
But then after some time you get lonely by yourself in the dark. You've gotten used to the dark and you're not as afraid anymore and you are certain you can take on that thing in the box if it threatens your wellbeing, but maybe, just maybe you can finally embrace eachother. You're stronger now and it, it must be weaker after being locked away so long.
So you start to search in the darkness for the box. You search and search, your hands outstretched, feeling along the floors and eventually the walls, but you can't find the box. You don't know where it is.
And now you're really needing that lid to come off, you need to ineract with that thing in the box, you've realised to be able to get out of the dark room and into the light, you need to conquer what's inside that box, to own it.
But you locked it up for so long and now you've forgotten where to find it.
What now?


 
 


2
Main / Re: My story of loss :'(
« on: June 11, 2012, 10:00:43 AM »
(((((Terry)))))

Thank  you for your message to me.  You are a true angel and I will always remember the comfort and wisdom you gave to me when I needed it most and didn't feel like I could ask for it from any one.

I hope all is well with you and that you are getting through every day.

xxx



3
Main / Re: Reintroducing Ourselves
« on: June 11, 2012, 09:52:37 AM »
Georgia, even four years later I remember the warmth of your support.  It meant such a lot and I hope that all the hurting people that find their way here find their own Georgia!
xx

4
Main / Re: Reintroducing Ourselves
« on: June 09, 2012, 05:13:38 AM »
Hi.  My name is Tammy and started writing on this site in October 2008 after my mom died.  I pop in and out randomly every few months. 

I found alot of support and warmth from people on this site and it went a long way towards helping me approach those first tentative steps towards healing.

I remain ever grateful to Tom for this brilliant site and for those like Terry and Lauren and Georgia that write so diligently and often.   

Regards,
Tammy

5
Main / Re: Parents gone, no more "home"
« on: June 09, 2012, 05:09:28 AM »
Hello, Nikki_Bee

It's been a long time since I visited this site.  I am so sorry for your loss.  To lose not one, but both of your parents is more awful than I could imagine. 

I lost my mom in 2008 and found this site very late one night when I was desperate for some understanding - some validation of what I was feeling.  And I found it here.  It was my salvation.   

I see you are from South Africa.   Me too.  Didn't think I would find someone here that lived on my end of the Globe!  I met a girl on this site back in 2008 and we still chat to this day.  It is my wish that we meet face to face one day, but lives in America and I'm just a poor South African, so I do not know what the chances of that will ever be! 

In your previous posts the point that you most often mention is the unconditional love that one gets from a parent and how much you miss that.  How you feel that there is no place that is really home.   I can very much relate to that feeling.  I am still fortunate enough to have my father, but he changed so much after my mother died, remarried really quickly and became someone I hardly recognised, that it was almost as if I had lost him too.  Not only that, but I never quite seem to be get his approval and so, there is no real warm or affection in our relationship.

My mom was the one that loved me unconditionally.  She was my critic, my supporter, my friend, my everything.   I didn't realise just how much I took for granted about her until she wasn't there anymore.  That the only person that would take my side no matter what was now lost to me.   

I hope that you find some peace, and also that you do not give up on the plans you had - like your studying, because I am sure that is not what your parents would have wanted for you.  Living in this Country is already not easy, so you need to have as much of an edge as possible.   Do not sacrifice this.   You were strong enough to finish off your exams despite tradgedy, now be strong enough to pursue the next step.    Draw your strength from your memories and the certainty that your loved ones would have wanted only the best for you.

Finally, I understand why you would prefer to surround yourself with people.  You are most likely afraid to be alone - afraid the grief will start to creep up on you.  Try to take some time out for yourself.  I found that going off on my own, just for a walk on a sunny evening or even just to wander through the shops was a special kind of therapy.  I was not alone within four walls, but I was alone. 

Good luck with everything.
Tammy

6
Main / Re: My story of loss :'(
« on: June 09, 2012, 04:48:39 AM »
Dear Shebird

I am so sorry for your loss.  Like you, I stumbled upon this site four years ago late one night when the emptiness inside got too much.   It has been a long time since I've written here.

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through, but I can relate to the pain of loss, to the emptiness and to that place that you find yourself in - the black, empty hole.  You can see the world around you, but you are emotionally separated from it by the barrier you have put in place to keep away the pain, but in doing so, you effectively shut yourself away.

Four years is a long time to live like this and I can only say that it will ultimately be up to you to make a conscious decision to start to crawl out of the dark and back into the light.  There is no guilt to be had in taking your place in life and being happy after losing someone you love.  The man that you loved would not want that for you.   We have to let those we loved and lost live on through us. 

Start by letting yourself heal slowly, on your own.  Take pleasure in small things, like watching a butterfly in the sunlight, or walking along the beach or drinking in a beautiful sunset.  It might sound silly, but these are the first steps towards healing yourself slowly.   Only when you are personally a bit stronger inside will you better be able to interact with other people and relate to them on a more emotional level.

I can only wish you the best of luck.  In my darkest hours I came to this site and found people who not only understood grief, but were willing to support me unconditionally.   All I had to do was write.  Sometimes all I had to do was read other people's stories to know that I was not alone.  It was my first steps towards healing.

Good luck.

Tammy

7
Main / Re: At The Other End of the Tunnel
« on: December 12, 2010, 12:10:14 PM »
Dear Paula & Lovedhim, I am glad if my words made you feel better in any way.  I read both your previous posts and feel so sorry that you both lost someone you loved so much.   A husband of 25 years and a boyfriend of 15 months.   Both losses equally devasting to each of you.   And I feel sorry for you, Paula, and for others that lost people they either did not know long, or weren't in a firm relationship with, because the pain is just as bad, and people just do not seem to be sympathetic to that.  
I believe that once someone touches your life, it is forever.  You never forget the way they made you feel.   People fall in love within hours of knowing each other, get married after a few short weeks.  Who has the right to tell them that their is not a real love?  And so for those of you who are grieving 'secretly' for lost loves, you have the right to grieve, because you loved that person and love is not measurable by days or months or years or by a marriage certificate or an engagement ring even.    And remember that those trying to deny you that right to grieve have probably not been through something like that, have not lost as you have and so cannot be expected to understand.  
Lovedhim, you have been such a huge comfort to many on this site, I admire some of the things you've said and the strength you clearly have, despite your loss.
Good luck to you both.

8
Main / At The Other End of the Tunnel
« on: December 10, 2010, 11:53:53 PM »
It's been more than a year since I last wrote on here.   It's humbling to see some of the old names, LaurenE, Terry, LovinMike, Sevenofwands, GeorgiaPeaches, etc still here, still writing and helping people each day.  You guys helped me so much, I don't know what I would have done back in August 2008 if I hadn't stumbled upon this site, written a post and received so much support in return.  I came back again and again, sometimes just to read other posts - it helped so much to know I wasn't alone in my loss and sometimes reading other posts distracted me a bit from my own grief as I tried to help with words of kindness and support, such as I was given.  
But time went by and it was easier to pretend all was well.  Coming here was a stark reminder of the loss, the pain that is out there and inside of me.  So I stayed away.  Those of you who still post so often and help others, are heros unsung, because what you do here is so vital that words cannot describe.  That someone with darkness in their hearts can make their way here and find some light is a gift unmeasurable, and it becomes ever clearer as time goes by.
I pray that I don't ever have to feel the way I felt two years ago when I first came to this site - alone, in agony, in shock, the darkness was the scariest thing I've ever had to go through and it took a long time, a very long time to start getting better, to start seeing the sun again.  But I did.  And it started here.   Thank You.  
To those who have lost someone, know that somewhere, at some stage  you will start to heal.  That you will be happy again, and that regaining that happiness will not diminish the love or memories you have for the one you lost.  Instead you honour them by moving forward and finding happiness again, because how else do they live on, but through you.  It's what we all want for our loved ones one day when we are gone.  xx










  
 

9
Main / Spring Cleaning My Life
« on: April 08, 2009, 01:15:47 AM »
As part of this whole confusing and exhausting journey of loss and grief, I finally got some perspective on my life and realised how long I'd just been drifting and sort of accepting the unacceptable and not accepting the unchangeable.  How did that happen?! 
How did I try to fight against what could not be changed, but passively drift along being unhappy in the things that could be?

SO, I thought long and hard and decided to do a bit of a Spring Clean - a closet clearout, if you will - in my mental, emotional and physical life.

First thing was first, I stopped allowing myself to be taken advantage of in our homelife.  Being a mother and wife does not mean that you are not allowed to demand time for yourself, time to just be you, to do the things you want to do.    I MADE the time for myself and felt better for it.  Small things - like dallying in the bath longer than usual, or reading a few pages of a book before bedtime, or wondering around the shops leisurely, instead of just rushing through...tiny baby steps.

Secondly, I gave myself a mental shake.  With some new perspective from my therapist, I had come to realise that I was selling myself short and doing myself in.  I was allowed to grieve.  I was allowed to feel all these things with my loss.  I was allowed. 
I was not allowed to take on guilt.  (It's a habit of mine).  I'd been eating myself up about not having been to visit my mom that last week, and many other things.  I still feel guilty, it still hurts, but I have come to realise I am human.  I am a mom with kids too.  I couldn't do it all.  I couldn't get and be everywhere all the time.   So slowly but surely getting rid of the guilt has been good for me.

With these changes came a new sense of self.  Instead of ranting and raving and screaming at home, my way of dealing with my family and friends has changed slightly.  I've been shown a new way to think 'outside of the box' and being less wrapped up in my grief and loss and anger, I am more able to think of better ways to deal with stressful situations in my home and at work.  I could more effectively difuse a potential temper tantrum from one of my kids...it sounds like not much, but for me, it was HUGE.

And finally, I resigned from my job.  It was the most horrible place I'd ever worked, and it affected my entire well being.  My friend gave me the contact details of someone looking for an Events Coordinator assistant, and I went into the two interviews feeling more positive and like myself than I have in many months and made an instant connection with my future employee (needless to say, I got the job). 

And now I sit here and wonder how I let so many months go by, just sinking further and further.

I still wish with all my heart, it still hurts, but living in 'darkness' is not necessary to grieve.  I think somewhere I convinced myself that the more miserable and withdrawn I became, the more I was 'honouring' my mom's passing.  Now I've kind of realised I can go on with my life and be happy and still grieve for her.

Anyway, enough from me.

I just wanted to share. 

One goal at a time, one small baby step is how I started on my road to recovery.   

I wish the same for all of you.

And I still welcome advice from all of you who have been through this, and what you did to help get you through.

10
Main / Re: Does it ever get any easier
« on: April 08, 2009, 12:13:38 AM »
Jess,  not only did you lose your dad, but he'd been ill before that.  At age 14 I guess we should be carefree and happy still.  And 16 is also so young.
I read your post with interest, as I have yet to approach the one year mark of losing my mom, and though I am feeling stronger right now, I have no illusions as to my own strength, so I know there will still be plenty of tough times.  I guess I didn't think as far ahead as 8 years though, that's so unbelieveable right now.
I wish you all the best, and know that this site is wonderful for support, any time you are feeling down.
Tammy

11
Main / Re: I Am Back
« on: April 08, 2009, 12:03:09 AM »
Kevin, Seven, Terri, and Georgia are true heros.  I had to go back 20 pages to get to where I last had read.  20 Pages of topics and threads - and through all that, Kevin, Seven, Terri and Georgia and some others where there to support and comfort others, as they did me.   And all this while they too went through terrible times of grief and pain.
My therapist (I call her my 'mental physician'), told me to stop thinking "I know there are others who have been through worse than me", and to give myself credit for the fact that this loss, this pain is mine, it affects my life, to me this is a terrible loss.  It's not comparable. 
It gave me a sense of ownership in a way - it was MY grief.  And because it belonged to ME, I could say what to do with it - wallow in it, digging further and further down, or face it, feel it and try to move to a happier, healthier space. 
When your quality of life is no longer good,  when you are not happy to get up in the morning, when you don't take joy in your kids / pets / loved ones, and life is something to endure, not enjoy, then it is definitely time to bring in the cavalry. 
But yes, Donna, you are right, there will always be those dark moments.
I am very bravely making all these statements, because I feel in a positive space at this moment in time, but my one year mark is still coming and I am afraid of it.  I don't want to wake up that morning and know that today my mom has been gone 1 year.  That for one year I have grieved and longed and yearned for her, that for one year I've been without her, without her words of wisdom, her advice, her conversation, her love...
Still, I want to be happy again, I have so much to be grateful for and I love my kids and want to be everything they deserve, not an emotionally wrecked person walking around biting heads off and otherwise retreating into my shell, unreachable and unable to reach out.

I hope to be around more often, to offer words of comfort and support to others as they have done for me. 
This site really was the first step in the right direction for me.  I will forever be grateful for its existence.
Tammy
xx

12
Main / Re: Where I am now
« on: April 07, 2009, 11:47:26 PM »
Thank you, Seven & Georgia for your messages.
I guess I felt bad for being absent for so long from this site, that offered me so much comfort when I needed it, and then I selfishly hid away and didn't offer comfort in return.
I think I just wanted to pretend for a while, but I know the time for pretending is long since past.
I have been trying to read and catch up on people's stories and how everyone is doing, but there are so many new ones...
Good luck to all of you, remember you are not alone.

13
Main / Re: ask and you shall receive
« on: April 07, 2009, 11:38:00 PM »
I am glad you had a wonderful dream to treasure, Georgia.

14
Main / Where I am now
« on: April 02, 2009, 04:48:04 AM »
Hello to all of you, it's been some time since I've last written - 17 November last year, to be exact.  The 4 month mark of my loss.  I see there are lots of new people, all with their own pain and suffering.  Their topic subjects jumped out of the page at me, hitting me in the heart like little bullets and I was tempted to flee, but didn't.  No more running. 

I have learnt that no matter how far you run, you cannot outrun the things life brings your way.  You cannot outrun the things you've done wrong and you cannot outrun your pain.  You just get more and more tired and somewhere along the line you're going to lose the race. 

For those that don't know my story, here's a quick explanation...

Last year on 17 July 2008 I lost my mom.  She died in her bed.  At age 52 a blood clot to her heart ended her life.  I was 8 months pregnant at the time with my daughter and my mom was my best friend.
My daughter was born on my mom's birthday.   

In the weeks and months that followed I suppose I had very normal feelings and reactions.  My daughter's arrival was scheduled for my mom's birthday and I didn't want to bring about an early arrival, so I stayed calm and told myself that soon, soon I could grieve and shed the tears that were flooding my heart.  I just had to get through my daughters' arrival first.

And I did.  But then there was the new baby and I told myself that soon, soon I would deal with the loss of my mom and cry those tears that were still flooding my heart - darned near to bursting by that time.   And then I started a new job and still I could not just grieve. 

 For about three months I went around in a dumbstruck haze, barely aware of what was going on around me, just going through the motions.

And the times I was tempted to talk about my mom I noticed the awkwardness and wariness of the people around me and I couldn't stand it, so I stopped trying to talk. 

And everywhere I went I saw mothers and daughters together and was jealous and hurt.  So I stopped looking around.

And when I stopped looking around and stopped noticing other people, I effectively shut myself out. 

I didn't want to open up incase more pain came my way, but effectively I was shutting the pain I already carried inside of me.  And it had nowhere to go.  It ate into my heart, into my mind, it weakened my body.

In a few short weeks I became a shell of the person I used to be.  I did not feel the need to talk, I could not find the energy to laugh or smile.  The only thing I had energy for was anger.  Anger helped minimise the feeling of being about to explode.  I no longer felt the need to cry.  Fake it till you make it - I applied it eagerly and walked around behind my blank facade.  Impenetrable.  Immune.

And this built up and built up as the 6 month mark drew nearer and I realised that my mom had been gone 6 months.  Half a year.  Each 'anniversary' had been tough - 1 week, 1 month, 2 months...but 6 months was the worse for me.  From trying to remember everything, to being scared I'd forget things, to suddenly having memories crowd my mind unbidden, down to tiny details I'd long since forgotten, my mind just never let me rest.    There were the nightmares too. 

I was feeling ill - getting dizzy, nauseous, chest pains, body aches, sleeping badly, headaches, forgetfulness.   I went to the doctor thinking I had something seriously wrong - and he put me on anti depressants.

The six month mark arrived.  I over indulged.  In a few things.  I felt rotten the next day and the day thereafter.  And the day after that.  And then I slowly started to realise that if it went on like that I'd never make it.  I had lain in bed writing good bye notes to my loved ones in my mind, explaining why I had to do this, that there was no joy in my life anymore, that even the things that were meant to give me joy, like my kids, weren't making that much difference to me.  I had stopped caring. 

And then, a small glimmer of light from somewhere deep and forgotten.  I WANTED to get better, I wanted to go on, to be a good mom and the friend that everyone loved.  More importantly, I missed myself.  I missed myself alot. 

I had made two friends on this site, but one has been particularly close, if not for her, I'd have never have gotten this far.  She doesn't write anymore on here either.   But we write nearly every day.  Her six month mark is approaching and knowing what I went through, I want to be there for her. 

And so I started looking at my life and realising there was alot that had to change.  That it was time to seek help.  And I did that.  I found a councillor who I could speak to.  I've been to her twice and people have noticed the change.  We've hardly touched on the subject of my mother yet, but just knowing that she's there and we are getting there has helped so much.  I couldn't talk to people I knew, just couldn't do it.  But this stranger who knows the right questions and says the right things in the right voice is such a comfort to me.  She asked me how I felt and I said, "I miss her" and felt some of the weight lessen in my chest.  Nothing bad happened.  I said it outloud.  I admitted that I am not as strong as I thought, that I hurt and hurt badly and that admitting it didn't make me weak or silly.

Being able to open up to her a bit made me more able to open up to other people about other things.  I'd been shut up for so long that nothing had been able to escape.  Not even small things that had nothing to do with my mom.  And the more I brought these things out the better I started feeling. 
It's hard work.  It's not easy.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I know I have a long journey ahead and so many issues and feelings still to deal with.  The one year mark still lies ahead.  And I miss her so much, words cannot say.  But I'll be okay, because she taught me like that, and she would not want this for me. 

I still have my life and I want it to be happy, I need it to be happy.  That dark hole I found myself in is an awful place.  It's not life, it's not death, it's just dark. 

I've started to realise that it's up to me to change things - well, maybe I always knew that, but didn't have the will nor the energy to do it, but this new burst of strength and determination will have to be enough to carry me.  I've taken steps to do away with the things that make me unhappy, to pull people up if they say things that I don't like, to demand the respect, to take my life in the direction of my choosing, not drift along to be washed up on a shore in strange territory.  I find myself caring again.   

Oh, my heart still hurts, it's still heavy and there are days....

Without warning over the weekend one of my mom's favourite songs played on the radio and memories assailed me.  It felt as if my whole body ached with rememberance and I felt hot and dizzy and all my joints felt stiff.  I was in the car next to my husband and rode this wave of pain without him even knowing.  I could say it was probably the worst pain I'd felt since I lost her - because I let myself feel it, from when it hit, till when it subsided.  I didn't force it down, I didn't try to run.  And I was still intact afterwards. 

There are so many complexities to losing someone you love, and I cannot begin to claim to be an expert at how to deal with this.  I only know what I went through.  There are ups and downs.  Times of pain, times of numbness, times of anger, times of hopelessness.  Dark days.  Dark nights.  Seemingly endless and relentless.

I believe now though, I have to believe - that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how unlikely that seems. 

Don't wilt too long in the dark when the sun is waiting to shine on you again.  Make the changes necessary to your life so that you can move on and be stronge, healthy and happy person again. 

I still have this site to thank for being there that night I needed it most, or I more than likely might not have been sitting here right now.  Who knows.  I never thought I'd be in this situation of desperation and depression.  I am not like that.  But we cannot prepare for how we will react to these situations until they happen.  You are not weak if you cannot fix yourself.  You are not weak if you admit you were knocked down lower than you ever thought you could be.

Good luck to all of you on your journey to recovery.   And thank you again to all of you who were there when I needed you.

Love Tammy

xxx

15
Main / Re: Girl, I am here
« on: April 02, 2009, 03:59:58 AM »
What a wonderful, wonderful piece of writing. 

Beautiful.

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