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Messages - Jennie

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Grief not related to deaths / lucky... so sorry for the rambling
« on: July 22, 2008, 10:38:18 AM »
Hi. Technically my grief is related to a death... it's just a death that hasn't happened yet. But anyway... just hoping to find someone who might understand a little.

For about a year now, my best friend has been this guy named Andy that I met on the internet on an rp site. It's weird saying this, because I've never understood things like popularity the way it's portrayed in movies about high school... but he was the coolest of the cool on that site. Everybody knew him and everybody liked him. When we first started talking I would ask him all the time if I was bothering him, a silly little nobody like me, but we got along really well and before very long I was considering him one of my closest friends... not that that's hard, since before joining the site all I had was my sisters and brother. I don't like having friends because inevitably you lose them.

So it was probably silly to be his friend, since by the time we started talking he'd already been diagnosed with cancer. But it seemed almost impossible not to be. Before very long, one of my first thoughts waking up was often "I wonder if Andy's replied yet? I wonder if he'll talk to me today?" This struck me as possibly unhealthy, but there you go. I've wound up making other friends on the site as well, including several people who are Andy's friends in real life, and it's really made me different... happier, more confident.

And, all the while I knew that he was sick. In November he was told that he had two years to live, and it made me sad but still we had two years. I was careful with things that I said, and when we talked about the book I was writing and he said he wanted to read it I would feel really panicky thinking it wouldn't be done in time. But there was still a little hope, and there was still two years. When I started writing a new book instead, I thought maybe I could get it done in the next year and he could read the whole thing. But then last week, he found out that he only has maybe 'til mid-August.

I know that I'm actually lucky, really, to be able to say goodbye. But it's still really hard, and it feels unreal. It's like I keep thinking he's going to show up one day and say "Ha! Scared you, sorry. Turns out I'm miraculously cured and will live to ninety-five." Or at least that he'll still have that year. It's been months since anything even came up about his being sick, so it's like I almost forgot about it and didn't have any warning. He hasn't been online lately, either, even though he said he would be, so mainly I've been kind of blocking it out. But I'm getting more depressed every day... I count on him more than is probably healthy... and I know it'll just get worse once it's final and there's no chance at all he might show up.

This is really long and rambly, but I always do talk a lot and I feel like it's hard to explain. My best friend is dying though, that isn't hard to explain. I still can't wrap my head around it, and sometimes I would rather not bother... just disappear from the world as well because I'm a failure anyway and he's the only one I've ever really believed saying I'm not. But I promised to look out for his sister and our other friends, so I'm not allowed. I want to rewind the last year and find a way to stop this because everything's falling apart. I don't want to be a bother to anyone but I don't want to feel this way. I'm one of those people who will lie there and sob for fifteen minutes straight, then get up and make a sandwich like it's a completely different person who was crying. Like there's a switch in my head that says 'okay, you've cried now... the problem must be solved.' But then I have a couple days of normalcy before I just get sad again.

I don't want it to be real. I don't want to help his friends because that will mean he'll be gone and I'll never be able to tell him things again. Sometimes I treat some of them like his replacements when he's been in the hospital or just being moody and not chatting, but now I realize there is no replacement, really. It can't possibly ever be the same.

And I really don't want to be all self-absorbed or bother anybody, but I can't seem to get anything else that I want so there you go. So sorry. 

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