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Topics - lionness955

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1
Child Loss / Its been almost a year
« on: February 12, 2012, 06:14:04 AM »
In 4 days it will be one year since Clayton passed away. As the 16th draws closer I find my mind dwelling on what he was going through this time last year. I find myself filled with more guilt, could I have done something to make things turn out different. More anger builds up about the way somethings did happen. I still have unanswered questions and I have tried to get those solved but ran into road blocks. That has only driven me to be more forceful in getting the answers I demand. I have had a lot of struggles with deep depression in the past year.

The holidays were rough but I decided to get a seasonal job as a shipping clerk, that helped. As Christmas got closer I worked more and more hours which gave me less free time to think and a nice paycheck at the end of the week to boot.

My support system is pretty dysfunctional and my inability to trust people prevents me from opening to very many people. I have not talked to my sister or two of my brothers since last June. They did not go to my sons funeral or the funeral home yet are mad at me and will not talk to me as if I was the one who did something wrong. My mother, who also did not attend any services, lives in her happy oblivion that does not even worry or comprehend the hurt that her or my siblings caused by not going.

I have my husband, who was not his father, and his family were very supportive but after a few months they started to act like I had mourned long enough and needed move on. I over heard a conversation between my spouse and his mother, I felt really sad and laid around that day. His mo asked if I was ill and he told her I was thinking about Clayton and feeling down, her reply oh that again - I thought she was over that. REALLY?! I was floored, but I did not say anything to her I was not in the mood to get in to all that with her. A few days later I did talk to my husband about all of it. He does not that it takes time and there will be good and bad days. I can tell however that he does not know how to act or react when I am down, being a Mr Fixit he feels helpless because there is nothing he can do to make it all better. I have explained that the best thing he can do is just be there in the room with me. I am going to cry, I am going to get mad about it all, I am going to reexamine every detail as if I could change things now, mostly because I am a mom, a woman and that is who I am. I never just accept things, I question them, I debate the options and look for the hidden things in all situations so why I would I just lay down and take this without a fight?

I had buried myself in making quilts a little after Clayton passed away. I need something to do other than lay in bed. I could not think clear and felt like I was in fog all the time so I could not concentrate on crosswords, games or other things I usually like. I started sewing some quilt projects I had started before. That has proved to be a very helpful thing for me. Some days I sit and sew all day long. My husband is very supportive of that hobby. He is normally a tight wad when it comes to frivolous spending but never says a word when I buy fabrics, thread or other things I need for quilting. After a few months I had a lot of quilts and was not sure what to do with them. I started donating them to local missions, nursing homes and domestic abuse shelters. I made these as a way to get through my grief and in memory of my son so I wanted to do something good with them. I still do a lot of quilting and have started making premie and newborn size quilts for the NICU at the hospital near me. This helps me feel like I have a purpose, I struggle with that a lot since Clayton passed.
I am very grateful for everyone that I have talked to here. The one thing that has helped was knowing that every feeling, emotion and thought I had someone else had as well. I was not alone in my suffering. While I felt completely alone I knew there was someone I could talk to that REALLY DID KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. Thank you all and Blessing to you all.

Clayton's mommy

2
Child Loss / Clayton's Birthday
« on: August 31, 2011, 02:43:24 AM »
Hello, its been a while since I have been on here. I have not been doing so well. I think the last time I was on here was in June. At that time I was still trying to accept Clayton's death. As his birthday drew closer I slipped further in to a dark depression. It got to a point to where the pain and grief were just to much and I tried to take my own life. I tried to overdose by injecting several vials of insulin. Since I have a tendency to have low blood sugar I was found and saved. I admitted myself in to the hospital the next day to get help dealing with my grief and pain. While I was in there a young man the same age as my son was there. He had tried to take his life. I sat and talked to him for many hours. We both learned a lot from each other. I was out of the hosp on the day of Clayton's birthday and I was able to be sad and cry with out feeling the overwhelming pain. A strange twist one of the sites that I injected the insulin into developed a large red knot that later became very infected with staph. A few weeks later I spent 10 days in the hosp while the doctors tried to save the limb. The infection progressed quickly and was resistant at first. I never told them what caused it they just assumed it was a sore or bite that got infected. I did not correct them as I was ashamed and did not want any one to know.
I am still trying to deal with all the anger I have towards my family for not attending his funeral, at the moment they are not speaking to me. They are treating me as though I am the one who did something wrong. They do not know of my attempt to take my life, I do not think it would matter if they did.
I have been doing a lot of writing in my journal. I am able to say all the things I cannot say and be honest about my feelings without fear of others acting hurt over it. This morning my husbands uncle passed away and that has seemed to bring back a lot of pain. I did not know his uncle very well and I am dreading going to the funeral home again.
I have been trying to keep my mind occupied as best I can so that I do not get down again. Some days I feel like I can handle this and take it day by day. Other days I wake up and crawl back in to bed. Some people are telling me I should be over this by now and that makes me so mad. I told one of them that it took 20 years for me to watch him grow in to the man he was becoming so there is no way I can just "get over it" in a matter of months.
I took some of his favorite clothes and made a quilt with matching curtains and pillow covers. I am almost done with the quilt but now I find myself not wanting to finish it. I cannot explain it exactly but its like I just do not want to be done with it yet.
Its been 6 months since he passed away. I still google search his name, check is facebook and myspace pages hoping maybe he has logged in. Part of me does not want to let go. I feel like as his mom I have to hang on and I do not want to sat good bye.

I hope every one has been as well as possible in the past few months. It is good to be back here among friends that I can talk to.

Clayton's Mom

3
Child Loss / Struggling to survive
« on: May 12, 2011, 03:15:06 AM »
Hello again
I have not been on here for a week or so, the stress and inability to make any kind of sense of things drove me to a very dark place. I tried to fight it off but after a bit I was over come. I spent many days and nights trying to come up with at least one reason to not take my own life. Of course I would think of how my family would hurt as I do now but that was not reason enough. The desire to see my sons face again was stronger. I did not try anything and I can honestly say that I do not know if I am happy about that or not.
I did do one somewhat stupid thing, well again being honest I do not know if it was that stupid- the jury is still out on that one too. In an attempt to get myself out of bed I started going through some of my old boxes of stuff. I ran across a box that meant a lot to me when I used to smoke pot. Much to my surprise there was still some in there. Jokingly I thought, I should roll me up one and just sit back and not think or care about a thing. I did, I felt like I was a teenager again since I did not tell anyone and sneaked to do it. Once I came back inside I went to my bedroom and laid across my bed. Sure enough I had not a thought in my head. As I lie there I noticed that sharp pain in my shouldersand neck was gone since I was not all tensed up. For the first time in a while I was able to just close my eyes and relax. I turned the TV down, closed my eyes and feel asleep without crying. What I found in my little box was barely enough for one joint but it lasted me 4 days. I did not get stoned I would take a puff or two and just kind of zone out or watch TV. In a way it felt nice to do something without the usual turmoil in my head, painful tensed muscles or dark thoughts. I am in no way saying any one should go get some weed and kick back. Not at all! I am just saying what I did and how I felt. I thought about buying some more and continuing my "thoughtless abyss" I did not do that. Instead I thought about what I needed to do to get myself some free time. I have plenty of spare time but I wanted some time where I did not have to be a wife, sister or anything other than just a person not thinking about anything. I found the perfect thing. I had been working on a video of Clayton but have had to put that on hold since it makes things harder at times. I have several fish tanks and while I was cleaning the 40g one I noticed that the rocks that I got from a yard sale had been painted and the paint was flaking off. I broke the tank down, worried that it would hurt my fish if they ate the paint flakes. I have been scrapping the paint off of the small little rocks with a pocket knife. Sounds weird I know, but it is tedious enough that I can sit or lay and do that with little or no thought. Since the paint comes off fairly easily I do not get aggravated. Also I have discovered that the painted rocks are not just average gravel but very pretty gemstone rocks of all sorts of colors and shapes. My husband asked why in the world I was doing that, he said I should toss them and just buy more. I told him this was the perfect thing to release stress.....he offered to repaint them for me once I got done.
This was the first Mothers Day since my son passed. I had told my family that I was not going to any family functions that I would like for that day to go by as any ordinary day. Doing that did help make it not such a sad day. The next great hurdle will be his birthday in July.
I am very thankful for everyone on this site, by reading your stories and experiences it lets me know I am not alone with these thoughts, pains and feelings I have. It shows me that things will get easier that i just need to be patient with myself. Thank you all for sharing your so much of your lives.

Missy

4
Child Loss / Confronted Family About Funeral
« on: April 07, 2011, 11:27:11 AM »
When my son passed away none of my family went to the funeral home or burial. I decided to talk to my mom and sister about this.  He was only at the funeral home for one day and then buried that afternoon.I thought I  would talk to them one at a time at a time in case things do not go well I can go back home afterwards. Also since they will use another one for the excuse.

My mom said that she did find out about his passing until Sat afternoon which is the day of the funeral and burial. I know this to be a lie because when I talked to my brother he was at her house and I could hear in the background saying whats happened, whats going on. My brother also did not go but I did not talk to him yet. I am really stunned by my mom, she know very well what I am going through. I had a baby brother pass away at 2 days old. I was to young to remember anything about it. I thought she would offer more support because of that. When I got to her house she at first was acting like things were as peachy as normal. Then I brought up Clayton and asked about her not going. I sobbed off and on talking about  him and she never did, that kind of bothered me. Clayton adored her, we went to see almost every day or two until he was 5 then I had my daughter. Then she would keep him a lot because my daughter was a preemie and had minor brain damage from lack of oxygen which caused a lot of problems at first. She was going to therapy, in the hospital or at the Dr all the time. Clayton would want to go Gamma Mia's since he found going with us was not as fun as her house. It just baffles me that she could even consider not going. While I was there we talked about all the silly things he did. On his third birthday we had to put up a Christmas tree, we had explained that the Christmas was Jesus birthday and the tree was part of the celebration. Being 2 he only caught the part of a tree on a birthday and did understand all of it. It did not help that all the stores have a Christmas in July sale. That did help us in finding a tree, I went to a store and explained the story they laughed and let me have a 2 ft tree.
I then wet to my sisters. She had told me afterward that she had already made plans for the day. I kind of understood as his passing was sudden and if she had plans she may not have been able to change. Then while we were still on the phone she told me about a huge indoor yard sale that the went to last Sat, the day of the funeral. She said they got there early in the morning and it turned out to be not what they thought and went back home. She realized what she had done and changed the subject.  I asked her about not going and her main reason was that Angel was at her dads so she wanted to stay close by and she wanted to bring Angel. I asked why didn't you go get her from him, he knew Clayton and certainly would have understood he had a twin brother that passed away as a child. She said she did not want to argue with him. She is older than me so she remembered my baby brother that passed away. So again I thought I would get some support from her. All she said is that she could not imagine losing Angel or having to go through it every day. I told her about the things I do because I still do not want to believe it happened. I check his Myspace, Google search his name, I have called his cell phone and the inability to think and concentrate most of the time. She never cried, never seemed sad just always said how she would not be able to cope with that kind of loss. She is also a nurse, she has had patients pass away and helped families learn of the loss. I have seen her upset and cry over a patient she had cared for for a while or was a particularly sad situation. Why could she not show that for my son. He was the first grandson and was born before her daughter. When our great uncle passed away we went to the funeral and burial. We both sobbed, while growing up we would spend all our summer and spring breaks with him and my aunt. He had a 21 gun salute for his military career we both sobbed harder with each gun shot. We both got some of the gun shells. So I don't understand why she would be some what indifferent about my son.

My father also did not go but I did not intend for him to go. The reason he cannot get around very well, they rent a wheelchair when he has to go to the Dr. he can usually only ride in a car for short period. If he goes on a long trip then they rent a van with a seat he can lay back plus it has a bench seat so he stretch out more. He had 2 heart attacks and after a surgery a clamp was left in and caused a lot of damage. He is also on oxygen. I knew there was no way at all for them to make the trip. I did not want him to be upset about not being able to go because of his health. I did talk to my step mom and she also thought it would be better to tell him all about it in person a few days afterward. He was a little mad a t first, understandable. I explained why I waited and he said that there was no way he could have went and that it would have made him depressed to know about it and be unable to go. When I went there a took him a bunch of pictures and stuff.

As for the rest of my family I just cannot understand them. I am hurt, confused, mad and angry at them. I have 3 brothers, 1 sister. We live in the same state but not all in the same area. My sister and I are really close, well I thought we were. I talk to my brothers now and then but we are close. Normally if one of us is having a hard time the others would pitch in and help with out being asked. One of my brothers got seriously hurt at work then was fired. We paid his utilities, mowed his grass and got some groceries. We had to be a little sneaky because he was proud and ashamed to ask for or get help. My sister had emergency gall bladder surgery so we cleaned her house, kept her daughter but made her think we were doing it to have fun with her since her mom was taken by ambulance from work to the hospital. She had no idea what was going and did not want to worry her, Jody had asked we not say anything so she can tell her once she is home and ok. At the time she had just wet through a divorce and did not have insurance. We all paid her hospital bills, got her meds and helped her until she was back to 100%. We are a caring family I just cannot understand why they have turned their back on me and Clayton.

I apologize for this being so long but having to deal with them being this way is not helping me cope with Clayton. Usually I would call one of them if I was upset about something and I feel even more like I have no one.


5
Child Loss / Days are getting harder
« on: March 25, 2011, 04:09:22 AM »
It has not been that long since my son passed and I know it will take some time for all the pain to heal. My son passed away Feb 16, like I said it has been that long. My mind knows all of this but acts like it does not. I find myself feeling worse with each day. I cried a lot at first but now I cry even more. After some urging I went to the Dr to get some antidepressant and or sleep meds since I sleep very little. They had put in a new computer system and had to go over all the usual question again and put it in the comp The girl asked how may times I had been pregnant and how many children I had. Of course I burst in to tears, loud sobbing. I apologized for making her feel bad as she did not know what was going on. I feel like I am on a large busy sidewalk, all the world is rushing around as they normally do but I am standing there with a light fog around me. Someone will grab a hold of me and pullback to where I should be and almost immediately I feel myself slipping behind again. Then again someone will grab me and the process will repeat again.
    My computer wet on the fritz so i started using my "backup" but in a couple days it too went on the fritz. The spouse told me to get another so I did. Once I got it I could not wait to get home to tell Clayton all about it. Every thing I do, every where I go and every thing I hear reminds me of something he did, said, wore, liked and so on. Its getting so overwhelming that I do to go out. I cannot go to the grocery because my mind resembles overcooked pasta and I cannot remember to get what I came for, even though I have a list.
I decided that I should go to grief counselling, so I went to the place in the town I live. Of all things they tell me they do not accept my insurance that I will need to go the office they have in a town two counties over or one that is over an hour away. The defeats the whole purpose of me going to the one in my town. I cannot drive much because I do not pay attention. I cannot keep my mind on the task at hand.
I've always been a perfectionist and had a little OCD and needed things to neat, tidy, clean and in order. I  even had a set of brushes for cleaning and dusting things with fine details, floral wreaths and AC vents. Now I do not care. My husband helps with the cleaning because I do not care enough to full with it. I used to prefer to cook home since it was better for us and cost less, now I do not care if I eat or not and tell them they can eat out if they want. I do not like what I have become but I cannot or maybe its do not have the strength to change. I do not watch tv any more. I used to take pride in my huge fish tanks but have been neglecting them, not intentionally but because I actually forgot about them.
    Sorry for this being so long but I have not had a chance to really speak what I feel in a little while.

6
Child Loss / So Many questions - so few answers...
« on: March 07, 2011, 12:21:00 AM »
My son Clayton passed away on Feb, 16 2011. I found on Feb18, 2011. His arrangements had already been made and is funeral and burial were on Feb 19. I was told that he had strep that went to pneumonia then he suffered a cardiac arrest that he could not survive. Sadly that happened to a young boy where I live a few months ago.
Since then I have heard his friends talk that he had a well hidden drug habit that it was drugs that caused the cardiac arrest. I talked to his friends to get what details I could, telling them I just want to know and it will change nothing.
Since I still did not get the full answers I thought that would come from the autopsy. I called the coroner and asked if I could get a copy of my sons autopsy and was told that one was not done on him. I was stunned! How could they not do an autopsy!?!? How do they know he had pneumonia? how do they know he had a cardiac arrest? For over a week now my mind has gone to not trusting anyone, not even my own eyes or ears. I doubted that I had went to his funeral, I thought I had a horrible nightmare. My son was living with my ex, about an hour away so I was not there when he passed. I am supposed to go get some of his things and find out what really happened. I cannot find any peace for my mind. I am still clinging to the idea that its all still a mistake.

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