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Topics - Raven2017

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 3 months today
« on: July 13, 2017, 07:33:36 PM »
I feel so bad for being so negative but does this ever get any better?  I miss Jim more and more every day.  His passing was so unexpected and senseless that I can't wrap my head around the fact that he is gone forever.  One minute, we were watching T.V, then he had a headache and was going to lie down and then next I was calling an ambulance.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him. Rationally, I know that he is not here but I miss him so much and I am having more bad days than good ever since his birthday in June.  I still get up, get dressed and go through the day but inside, I am a mess.  I feel like the outside of me looks normal but the inside of me is in a fog, unfocused most of the time. I keep extremely busy both inside and outside but it's not enough.  He is in my mind constantly.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I am so lucky because I have so many people in my life that care about me but I just want Jim back.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 2 months tomorrow
« on: June 12, 2017, 06:16:13 AM »
Well, it will be two months tomorrow since Jim passed.  These have been the longest two months of my life. I am starting to fill some of my time but I still have a lot of bad days...I miss him every second of the day but I am trying really hard to think of good memories rather than wondering why all the time.  That won't bring him back.  If I could think of anything that would do that, I would do it in a heartbeat.  He was such an amazing, vibrant person and to have been taken so suddenly, makes my heart break.  When you lose your spouse, you lose the present and your future but most importantly, it's the everyday life that hurts the most.  I miss his weird and wonderful sense of humor, his extraordinary hugs that made me feel so safe and just the ordinary, day to day conversations that we had.  I miss eating dinner with him and walking the dog, our Saturday morning running around doing errands.  I find myself always wanting to talk to him and share the little things that happened throughout the day and then I remember that I can't and it makes me so incredibly sad....I just simply miss all of HIM.
Tomorrow is also his son's birthday.  That will be a hard day for him on top of Father's Day this Sunday.  They were very close and days like those coming up make the senselessness of what happened come to the forefront of your mind again.  It feels like this will always be front and center and I wonder how people continue on with such a big hole in their heart.  I always feel like I have this incredible ache inside and it will be there forever.  I hurt for his son tomorrow.
Jim's 60th Birthday is also coming up on June 20.  There are just too many "firsts" that have happened in two months.  In May, I thought that might make things easier, to get them out of the way, but now I wonder if it's just too much too soon.  You just get over one day and then the next is right there and you can feel the emotion building and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Those of Jim's family that are in the area are going to celebrate his birthday together so I am looking forward to being with all the people that meant so much to him....especially his Mom. 
I know everyone says that life continues on but at this point in time, I wonder how that happens.  I know my life will never be the same, I know I have incredible people in my life that support me but I just miss him so much.  Jim and I lost quite a few friends in their 50's and we always said that if you make it through your 50's, you should live until you're 90.  He was so close...2 months away.  I will make it through this but I always wonder who I will be at the end.  It's not possible to go through this heartache and be the same person.  I have always been very positive and I am trying to find some way to stay that way but losing Jim tests every positive thought that I have ever had. Trying to stay busy works best but when you are alone, there are an awful lot of hours to fill and only so much energy to do anything.  I was an avid reader but so far, I haven't been able to pick up a book at all.  Is that normal?  That would help fill a lot of time.
Sometimes, I have a good day and I think I am handling everything very well and then the next day, I am just lost. I still have about a two hour window away from our home before I get anxious and I have left it that if you want to see me, you have to come to our home but my list of people that I want to see keeps getting shorter and shorter. It would be very easy to just be alone but thankfully, I have people that are very important to me who won't allow that to happen.  I just want to go back to March and do this differently so that the outcome is that I still have Jim.
JustMark, I am thinking of you this week and I know that it will be a very hard week for you. I hope you have family and friends around to support you through a few more difficult days.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:57:46 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / 26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:55:44 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

5
Spouse, Partner Loss / It's been three weeks
« on: May 03, 2017, 06:17:19 AM »
It's been three weeks since Jim has been home.  Yesterday was my birthday and I just kept thinking that if I get through this day, Jim will be home tomorrow.  I couldn't wait until the day ended but when I woke up this morning, he wasn't here. My heart feels like it's breaking as I just can't comprehend not ever seeing him again. I just can't go there. He was my very best friend.  He made me laugh a lot, he made me cry and he made me mad but he always made me feel loved.  I felt a sense of peace whenever he was with me because I knew I was safe. We had our own interests but when we were together, we did everything together.  We cooked, walked the dog, did dishes together...the list goes on and on.  I try to fill my days but even the little everyday things remind me of him and I feel like I can't do anything that doesn't remind me of him. It's not fair.  He had everything to live for and he took such good care of himself so that we would have another 30 years together.
Our house still feels so peaceful.  It was our sanctuary and sometimes I feel that he is still here.  Alarms go off for no reason and loud noises occur where I can't find the source.  I keep thinking that it's Jim trying to let me know that he's still here but other times, I just think I am losing my mind.  I have a two hour window to be with my friends and family.  After that, my mind gets angry and I just want them to leave so that I don't have to pretend that I'm interested in their normal lives. Then I feel mean and ungrateful because they have been so supportive.  I don't know what I would have done without them. I started writing to Jim and telling him about all the everyday things that are happening.  It started out as a couple of pages per day and now I am up to 7 or 8 per day.  Then I feel like it's a crazy thing to do but I don't want to forget anything, just in case. How on earth do people survive this?  I miss him indescribably.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / I'm new here
« on: April 28, 2017, 05:06:10 PM »
I just saw this site through the funeral home that I used.  I'm not sure that I am posting properly as I have never done this before.
My husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on April 13.  We were both in second marriages and from the beginning, it was like we were soul mates.  He was my very best friend and was there for me always. We will be married 12 years on May 14. He was only 59.  He was the kindest, most sincere person that I have ever met. He helped everyone that met him, even in his death. I had family here until yesterday morning and now I don't know what to do.  Everyone says to keep busy but there are too few things to do to fill the hours in a day.  I just want to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.  I keep expecting him to walk in the door or to hear his voice.  This makes no sense to me at all.  He took care of himself physically, ate properly and loved life.  I just want him back.

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