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Topics - MommysPreciousAngel

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Main / At The Other End of the Tunnel
« on: December 10, 2010, 11:53:53 PM »
It's been more than a year since I last wrote on here.   It's humbling to see some of the old names, LaurenE, Terry, LovinMike, Sevenofwands, GeorgiaPeaches, etc still here, still writing and helping people each day.  You guys helped me so much, I don't know what I would have done back in August 2008 if I hadn't stumbled upon this site, written a post and received so much support in return.  I came back again and again, sometimes just to read other posts - it helped so much to know I wasn't alone in my loss and sometimes reading other posts distracted me a bit from my own grief as I tried to help with words of kindness and support, such as I was given.  
But time went by and it was easier to pretend all was well.  Coming here was a stark reminder of the loss, the pain that is out there and inside of me.  So I stayed away.  Those of you who still post so often and help others, are heros unsung, because what you do here is so vital that words cannot describe.  That someone with darkness in their hearts can make their way here and find some light is a gift unmeasurable, and it becomes ever clearer as time goes by.
I pray that I don't ever have to feel the way I felt two years ago when I first came to this site - alone, in agony, in shock, the darkness was the scariest thing I've ever had to go through and it took a long time, a very long time to start getting better, to start seeing the sun again.  But I did.  And it started here.   Thank You.  
To those who have lost someone, know that somewhere, at some stage  you will start to heal.  That you will be happy again, and that regaining that happiness will not diminish the love or memories you have for the one you lost.  Instead you honour them by moving forward and finding happiness again, because how else do they live on, but through you.  It's what we all want for our loved ones one day when we are gone.  xx


Main / Spring Cleaning My Life
« on: April 08, 2009, 01:15:47 AM »
As part of this whole confusing and exhausting journey of loss and grief, I finally got some perspective on my life and realised how long I'd just been drifting and sort of accepting the unacceptable and not accepting the unchangeable.  How did that happen?! 
How did I try to fight against what could not be changed, but passively drift along being unhappy in the things that could be?

SO, I thought long and hard and decided to do a bit of a Spring Clean - a closet clearout, if you will - in my mental, emotional and physical life.

First thing was first, I stopped allowing myself to be taken advantage of in our homelife.  Being a mother and wife does not mean that you are not allowed to demand time for yourself, time to just be you, to do the things you want to do.    I MADE the time for myself and felt better for it.  Small things - like dallying in the bath longer than usual, or reading a few pages of a book before bedtime, or wondering around the shops leisurely, instead of just rushing through...tiny baby steps.

Secondly, I gave myself a mental shake.  With some new perspective from my therapist, I had come to realise that I was selling myself short and doing myself in.  I was allowed to grieve.  I was allowed to feel all these things with my loss.  I was allowed. 
I was not allowed to take on guilt.  (It's a habit of mine).  I'd been eating myself up about not having been to visit my mom that last week, and many other things.  I still feel guilty, it still hurts, but I have come to realise I am human.  I am a mom with kids too.  I couldn't do it all.  I couldn't get and be everywhere all the time.   So slowly but surely getting rid of the guilt has been good for me.

With these changes came a new sense of self.  Instead of ranting and raving and screaming at home, my way of dealing with my family and friends has changed slightly.  I've been shown a new way to think 'outside of the box' and being less wrapped up in my grief and loss and anger, I am more able to think of better ways to deal with stressful situations in my home and at work.  I could more effectively difuse a potential temper tantrum from one of my sounds like not much, but for me, it was HUGE.

And finally, I resigned from my job.  It was the most horrible place I'd ever worked, and it affected my entire well being.  My friend gave me the contact details of someone looking for an Events Coordinator assistant, and I went into the two interviews feeling more positive and like myself than I have in many months and made an instant connection with my future employee (needless to say, I got the job). 

And now I sit here and wonder how I let so many months go by, just sinking further and further.

I still wish with all my heart, it still hurts, but living in 'darkness' is not necessary to grieve.  I think somewhere I convinced myself that the more miserable and withdrawn I became, the more I was 'honouring' my mom's passing.  Now I've kind of realised I can go on with my life and be happy and still grieve for her.

Anyway, enough from me.

I just wanted to share. 

One goal at a time, one small baby step is how I started on my road to recovery.   

I wish the same for all of you.

And I still welcome advice from all of you who have been through this, and what you did to help get you through.

Main / Where I am now
« on: April 02, 2009, 04:48:04 AM »
Hello to all of you, it's been some time since I've last written - 17 November last year, to be exact.  The 4 month mark of my loss.  I see there are lots of new people, all with their own pain and suffering.  Their topic subjects jumped out of the page at me, hitting me in the heart like little bullets and I was tempted to flee, but didn't.  No more running. 

I have learnt that no matter how far you run, you cannot outrun the things life brings your way.  You cannot outrun the things you've done wrong and you cannot outrun your pain.  You just get more and more tired and somewhere along the line you're going to lose the race. 

For those that don't know my story, here's a quick explanation...

Last year on 17 July 2008 I lost my mom.  She died in her bed.  At age 52 a blood clot to her heart ended her life.  I was 8 months pregnant at the time with my daughter and my mom was my best friend.
My daughter was born on my mom's birthday.   

In the weeks and months that followed I suppose I had very normal feelings and reactions.  My daughter's arrival was scheduled for my mom's birthday and I didn't want to bring about an early arrival, so I stayed calm and told myself that soon, soon I could grieve and shed the tears that were flooding my heart.  I just had to get through my daughters' arrival first.

And I did.  But then there was the new baby and I told myself that soon, soon I would deal with the loss of my mom and cry those tears that were still flooding my heart - darned near to bursting by that time.   And then I started a new job and still I could not just grieve. 

 For about three months I went around in a dumbstruck haze, barely aware of what was going on around me, just going through the motions.

And the times I was tempted to talk about my mom I noticed the awkwardness and wariness of the people around me and I couldn't stand it, so I stopped trying to talk. 

And everywhere I went I saw mothers and daughters together and was jealous and hurt.  So I stopped looking around.

And when I stopped looking around and stopped noticing other people, I effectively shut myself out. 

I didn't want to open up incase more pain came my way, but effectively I was shutting the pain I already carried inside of me.  And it had nowhere to go.  It ate into my heart, into my mind, it weakened my body.

In a few short weeks I became a shell of the person I used to be.  I did not feel the need to talk, I could not find the energy to laugh or smile.  The only thing I had energy for was anger.  Anger helped minimise the feeling of being about to explode.  I no longer felt the need to cry.  Fake it till you make it - I applied it eagerly and walked around behind my blank facade.  Impenetrable.  Immune.

And this built up and built up as the 6 month mark drew nearer and I realised that my mom had been gone 6 months.  Half a year.  Each 'anniversary' had been tough - 1 week, 1 month, 2 months...but 6 months was the worse for me.  From trying to remember everything, to being scared I'd forget things, to suddenly having memories crowd my mind unbidden, down to tiny details I'd long since forgotten, my mind just never let me rest.    There were the nightmares too. 

I was feeling ill - getting dizzy, nauseous, chest pains, body aches, sleeping badly, headaches, forgetfulness.   I went to the doctor thinking I had something seriously wrong - and he put me on anti depressants.

The six month mark arrived.  I over indulged.  In a few things.  I felt rotten the next day and the day thereafter.  And the day after that.  And then I slowly started to realise that if it went on like that I'd never make it.  I had lain in bed writing good bye notes to my loved ones in my mind, explaining why I had to do this, that there was no joy in my life anymore, that even the things that were meant to give me joy, like my kids, weren't making that much difference to me.  I had stopped caring. 

And then, a small glimmer of light from somewhere deep and forgotten.  I WANTED to get better, I wanted to go on, to be a good mom and the friend that everyone loved.  More importantly, I missed myself.  I missed myself alot. 

I had made two friends on this site, but one has been particularly close, if not for her, I'd have never have gotten this far.  She doesn't write anymore on here either.   But we write nearly every day.  Her six month mark is approaching and knowing what I went through, I want to be there for her. 

And so I started looking at my life and realising there was alot that had to change.  That it was time to seek help.  And I did that.  I found a councillor who I could speak to.  I've been to her twice and people have noticed the change.  We've hardly touched on the subject of my mother yet, but just knowing that she's there and we are getting there has helped so much.  I couldn't talk to people I knew, just couldn't do it.  But this stranger who knows the right questions and says the right things in the right voice is such a comfort to me.  She asked me how I felt and I said, "I miss her" and felt some of the weight lessen in my chest.  Nothing bad happened.  I said it outloud.  I admitted that I am not as strong as I thought, that I hurt and hurt badly and that admitting it didn't make me weak or silly.

Being able to open up to her a bit made me more able to open up to other people about other things.  I'd been shut up for so long that nothing had been able to escape.  Not even small things that had nothing to do with my mom.  And the more I brought these things out the better I started feeling. 
It's hard work.  It's not easy.  It doesn't happen overnight.  I know I have a long journey ahead and so many issues and feelings still to deal with.  The one year mark still lies ahead.  And I miss her so much, words cannot say.  But I'll be okay, because she taught me like that, and she would not want this for me. 

I still have my life and I want it to be happy, I need it to be happy.  That dark hole I found myself in is an awful place.  It's not life, it's not death, it's just dark. 

I've started to realise that it's up to me to change things - well, maybe I always knew that, but didn't have the will nor the energy to do it, but this new burst of strength and determination will have to be enough to carry me.  I've taken steps to do away with the things that make me unhappy, to pull people up if they say things that I don't like, to demand the respect, to take my life in the direction of my choosing, not drift along to be washed up on a shore in strange territory.  I find myself caring again.   

Oh, my heart still hurts, it's still heavy and there are days....

Without warning over the weekend one of my mom's favourite songs played on the radio and memories assailed me.  It felt as if my whole body ached with rememberance and I felt hot and dizzy and all my joints felt stiff.  I was in the car next to my husband and rode this wave of pain without him even knowing.  I could say it was probably the worst pain I'd felt since I lost her - because I let myself feel it, from when it hit, till when it subsided.  I didn't force it down, I didn't try to run.  And I was still intact afterwards. 

There are so many complexities to losing someone you love, and I cannot begin to claim to be an expert at how to deal with this.  I only know what I went through.  There are ups and downs.  Times of pain, times of numbness, times of anger, times of hopelessness.  Dark days.  Dark nights.  Seemingly endless and relentless.

I believe now though, I have to believe - that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how unlikely that seems. 

Don't wilt too long in the dark when the sun is waiting to shine on you again.  Make the changes necessary to your life so that you can move on and be stronge, healthy and happy person again. 

I still have this site to thank for being there that night I needed it most, or I more than likely might not have been sitting here right now.  Who knows.  I never thought I'd be in this situation of desperation and depression.  I am not like that.  But we cannot prepare for how we will react to these situations until they happen.  You are not weak if you cannot fix yourself.  You are not weak if you admit you were knocked down lower than you ever thought you could be.

Good luck to all of you on your journey to recovery.   And thank you again to all of you who were there when I needed you.

Love Tammy


Main / 4 Months Today
« on: November 17, 2008, 07:22:48 AM »
How strange life seems like 4 months has flown by and it happened just yesterday, and at the same time it feels like it's been a lifetime since I saw my Mom, heard her voice, laughed with her, shared things.   My daughter will be three months old on Wednesday.  Wow.  THAT part I cannot believe.  I still had a huge tummy when I saw my mom last.  She gave me money to finish the baby room, and never got to see it.  And then my daughter, born on her birthday...some days I just cannot get over it.  I try to focus on other things, try not to think, but it's hard, and she is never out of my mind for more than a few minutes at a time.
She was such a part of my life, I was such a part of hers, that I see her everywhere, in everything, I hear our conversations in my head, I remember her in the smallest things, which all helps towards making me feel like I could just happily go insane. 
I miss her so much.   
Thanks for listening.

Main / Poem
« on: November 13, 2008, 05:38:51 AM »
In My Mother's Arms

If I could remember
her smile would be my first sight
her touch - my first comfort
her voice - already familiar to me
and her love - my security.

From when I can remember
her presence - always there
her caring - a continuous certainty
her warmth - like a blanket in winter
and her love - my unfailing sanctuary.

As a toddler I tested her strength and her will
I pushed all her buttons when I was a girl
I knew more than she did when I was a teenager
then realised I knew nothing when I became a mother.

And then I lost her - she simply slipped away
never opened her eyes again to see another day
and somewhere inside of me it hurts all the time
that never again will I see that beautiful mother of mine.

And all that she taught me
all the wisdom she shared
is now under my ownership
but I am ill prepared...

Without her as my buffer life's blows are hard
and I find myself longing to be
in my mother's arms.

As I watch my children grow
it hurts inside and now I know
the bittersweet pain that mothers bear
knowing there are times they cannot be there.

I wish I had known sooner the gift that was mine
a mother so beautiful, so loving, caring and wise
they say the pain of her loss may heal with time
but still I will miss her all the days for the rest of my life.

There will never be day that I will not long
to find myself back in my mother's arms...

Main / Just So Sad
« on: November 12, 2008, 01:36:06 AM »
I really miss my mom.
It seemed for a while that I was numb to it, that it didn't happen, that I could pretend that she was still there.  But time has crept on, and I can't pretend anymore.  We would never not talk or see eachother for nearly 4 months.  And things have happened in that time that we would have talked about, discussed at length.
Now the days are longer, my heart is heavy, I am not interested in anyone or anything, particularly.  Except my kids. 
Life is just becoming one big drag.  Something to get through day by day - and I know I have lots to be grateful for, but I cannot bring myself to actually feel it.  It's in my head, not my heart. 
Its not nice feeling this way.  Like someone is squeezing my heart in their giant fist.
I am trying to function, but with the new job, I am feeling overwhelmed, and I miss my daughter during the day.  She was the only thing that made me feel closer to my mom.  I have to go nearly 12 hours a day now without her.
I feel wretched today.   
Thanks for listening.

Main / Whispers To Shouts?
« on: October 20, 2008, 11:46:17 PM »
On Sunday night I logged on to the site to write a long rant-like letter and beg for help.  But then I read the post from 'missumom' and I was sidetracked from my own pain for a while. 
The weekend was tough, because of my birthday that passed on the Thursday, the 3 momth mark that my mom has been gone on the Friday and my daughter was 2 months old on the Saturday (she was born on my mom's birthday).  On Saturday night we were invited to braai by my father's new house.  He just moved into it.
It was tough walking into his new home that he and my brother share now, and seeing so many of my mom's things everywhere, but no mom.  I had only been back to their house once since she died.   
I kept expecting her to walk into the room, her blonde hair shining like soft silk on her shoulders, a gentle smile on her lips as she hugged me hello.  But, of course, she didn't. 
Instead, my dad's lady friend was there, with her dark hair and aged and weathered face.  Such a complete opposite.  I do like this lady.  She was my dad's girlfriend before he met my mom when they were teenagers.   Yet my dad and this lady always kept contact to an extent.  My mom knew, didn't like it, and was assured that they didn't talk anymore.  but clearly that was not the case, because my mom was no sooner gone and my dad's friend was around.   I don't blame him, and I believe she had loved me dad all these many many years, even though she married someone else and had 3 children with him.    She didn't stand a chance with my dad while my mom was around though - nothing more than friendship anyway.  But now my mom is gone, and she is visiting, and I do not resent it, or begrudge my father the right to move on, no matter how soon (reading alot of the posts here has also opened my eyes to this) and also, I think my dad is so lonely, I am actually grateful he has someone. 
But it was still very very hard. 
And then I really felt like talking about her, so on Sunday I tried.  I spoke to my friend first, and halfway through what I was saying she interrupted and said, 'I need food'.   I was rather shocked that I was speaking about my deepest pain and she was thinking about food.  So that was that lesson learnt.  Then on Sunday night I tried talking to my husband, but he was busy texting some of his friends on his cell and I could see he wasn't paying attention.  Just to be sure, I stopped talking halfway through my sentence and he didn't even look up or notice. 
And then the wild thought entered my mind and not for the first time - 'wouldn't I be better off being with my mom and friend where they are now in a place of no suffering, no pain and no sadness'.   It's a scary thought, and I suppose a normal one from what I have read.  I was so down though, that I wanted to come and write about it.  I was wondering if these little whispers in our minds get louder, and turn to shouts, or do they just slowly fade away again?

Main / Thinking of you
« on: October 20, 2008, 11:31:50 PM »
Good morning everyone.  I have some job interviews lined up today, so wish me luck, I need to get out and start living again.   I wanted to wish all of you a wonderful day and that things go easier for all of you.  It hurts to know there are so many people hurting out there.   I wish there was a way to squeeze it all away and just be light and free again.  But we all know that is not going to happen.  So the next best thing is probably to be there for eachother and try to still see the beauty in life as we know those who have left us would have wanted it that way.    I don't know, sometimes - most times - it's just really, really hard.   To know all the years that lie ahead, we have to live without them.   Take care out there. xxxTammy

Main / It's My Birthday
« on: October 15, 2008, 11:55:11 PM »
Today I turn 29 and as well all know, it's these 'big' or 'milestone' days that are so tough.  I've been sad since last night and because today is 'my day' I am sure no one will mind if I rant a little - tomorrow I will be there for others again, but today I need...I need...well, my mom.
It's hard to imagine that this is my first year without my mom.  When I turned 28 she was there.  But never again, not for any birthday or any ocassion. I am not big on birthdays anyway, it's just another day, but today is extra sad.
My friend who died last November in the motorbike accident - we met on my 20th, so day would have been 9 years that we knew eachother.  Not so very long, but he saw me meet my husband, fall inlove, get engaged, walk down the isle, have my first child.  He was there for all of it.
Tomorrow also marks three months since my mom's been gone.  So 3 months ago today she was still here.  Crazy how we think, isn't it, but I miss her so much.  And noone seems to understand.   They do not know how hard it is, how empty I feel, how lonely and sad.  And I wouldn't tell them, I'm not the type to seek sympathy - except here today, but I know you all understand, because you are all there with me in this - some even more so.
Anyway, there is something I want to share with all of you today...I had a driving need to hear my mom's voice last night, so I had to settle for the next best thing - her words, and so I scratched to the bottom of the biggest and oldest box of 'old stuff' that I've got and pulled out my 21st birthday card from my mom. 
And here's what she said:-

'My Darling Daughter,
Today you find yourself standing on the threshold of your adult life, much of your future life will be determined by you yourself.  In order to have what you want it to be you will have to be prepared to fight.  But let it always be a clean fight and tread carefully on other peoples' feelings, taht way you can enjoy anything that you achieve.  Never settle for second best of anything or lose sight of your aims, your hopes and above all your dreams.  Be prepared to accept that you can not always win and be gracious in defeat.  Your character is strong, your heart is in the right place - step forward proudly into the future and from the bottom of my heart I wish you as much joy, and success as it is possible to have.  We have travelled a long road, you and I to reach where you stand today.  I have always been there for you and will be whenever you might need me.  Enjoy your life my precious girl child and carry my love with you whereever you go and whatever you do.
Your mom always.'

Main / Good Morning
« on: October 14, 2008, 02:11:45 PM »
Because I am writing out of South Africa, I am on a very different time to most of you.  Therefore, I am writing now already to say good morning to all of you and hope it will be a good day.  At the very least, smile at your screen right now - as if you're smiling at me.  I know I won't know, but you will.  Did you smile?  Come on, noone will know!   :D
Take care and remember to look for that something good in today.  Maybe the sun will be shining and you take time to stand in it's rays and feel it's warmth.  Maybe you hear a favourite song.  Maybe you make someone else feel a bit better by reaching out to them.   Just one thing to make your day better - that is my wish for all of you today.

Main / Why doesn't she call me
« on: October 14, 2008, 01:29:27 AM »
I've been reading some more of the stories - I feel less alone that way...and I glanced out the window - the sun is shining here today and it hit me yet again, she isn't there anymore, she's not in her house a few streets away, maybe contemplating phoning me for one of our long chats.  I haven't heard her voice in just over three months and I miss her so much.   There was so many things I wanted to ask her, especially now that I have a little daughter too.  I want to be the kind of mom to my daughter that my mom was to me, but I know I never will be.  My mom was almost too good to be true.  And I always tell myself when something seems to good to be true, it probably is.  Thing is, we take things like our parents for granted.  We expect them to be there, to do the right things for us.  It's what they are there for, after all.  But I got lucky.  My mother went over and beyond the call of duty.  Her love wrapped me like a thick, soft blanket that has been cruelly snatched away on an icy day, leaving me cold and vulnerable to the elements.
there were no evil stepsisters and wicked stepmothers in my stories as a child.  My mother changed them all.  There were only good people and happy endings.   
She spent so much of her time with me, teaching me things, talking to me...I try to remember every conversation, every explanation, every fight, my brain is whirling with it all. 
I still have a few boxes of her stuff to go through - the letters from me that she kept, gifts I gave to her, we are both very sentimental. 
I just wish for one more day, one more visit, one more laugh, one more shared secret, one more word of advice, one more I love you, one more hug.  And I'd savour it all and make it last the rest of my life.

Main / I want my Mom
« on: October 12, 2008, 03:28:33 PM »
I am writing here because I feel so alone.  There's no one I can talk to right now.  I know there are councellors, but I don't feel able to talk right now.  It's like a big block inside my chest. 
I lost my mother nearly 3 months ago.  And it's been so hard.  It just gets worse.
She died suddenly in her bed from a Pulmonery Embolism a( a blood clot in the vein).   I trully believed my mom would always be around.  I never even considered losing her at any time.  and she wasn't healthy as it was.  She was bed ridden for nearly 11 years - but we considered it self inflicted.  She was depressed alot of the time and took alot of medication.  She often spoke of death and make sure I knew her final wishes for her resting place.  The last time I visited her she reminded me again, but as I had so many times, I let it go over my head, not believing her, not even giving it a second's thought.  I feel so guilty for that now.  I just didn't believe her, I was so sure she'd be around forever.
Even as I write this, I have a sense of disbelief, like I am distanced from it all.  I feel both numb and hurt at the same time.  Is this possible.  There are days when the pain is physical, in my chest, hurting so bad.  And then there are times I don't feel a thing, just a dull weight in my chest where my heart used to be. 
I find myself looking out the window and then realising she just isn't out there anymore and then feeling surprised that everything still looks the same.  It's as if the world should have changed somehow, taken on a different look.
There are times I just don't know how to go on, and times I just don't want to.  I am tired of the pain and cannot imagine living for so many more years - if I am lucky - without my mom - my best friend.  And feeling like this.  Some days my chest hurts so much, it feels like someone is crushing it, and it's as if I can't breathe.
She died a month and two days before her 53rd birthday, and I am nearly 29. 
My mom was/is a legend to me.  I have come to realise so much about her and me, and how she shaped me and the incredible love and goodness that she had.   
I think about her all the time, everything reminds me of her.  If someone says the word mom, it's like an electric shock through my body and seeing other mom's and daughters together makes me jealous and sad. 
I want her back.
I never visited her those last two weeks, never went to make supper for them like she asked, never spoke to her on the phone, kept putting it off for the next day - because when you look again, it's too late at night to phone - and never spent the time with her these last months that I could have and should have.  Never listened when she tried to tell me how unwell she was.   How do I live with this guilt?  It's eating me alive.
I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, my daughter, when my mom died. 
She was so looking forward to meeting her granddaughter.  My son and my mom weren't too close, he is closer to my mother in law.  But this little baby was to be 'the light' of my mom's life as she said.  She even named her for me, after a close friend we lost to a bike accident 11 months ago.  So you see, i've lived with pain for a while now.
I walked in that morning after getting a call from my dad to come to the house and will never forget seeing my mom, lying in her bed, but gone forever.  I won't go into detail, but it was the first time I saw a dead person.  And later that day we went with my dad to 'identify' her at the morgue and we thought we were being led into an office and we walked straight into the glass where she lay just on the other side, and she looked awful.  Her eyes were half open and the memory of this still gives me sleepless nights. 
I start to stress at night when everyone goes to bed and I know the thoughts and memories will start to run through my mind. 
I can't talk to anyone about it, I just can't.  Noone has even seen me cry.  Noone ever asks how I am and it seems everyone assumes I am coping.  My one friend said that she 'assumed' I was 'still sad' and that she was there for me if I needed to talk.  'Sad' is not a word to describe this pain.  Its an agony, a torture, a slow death.  I feel old, I feel fragile, I feel like I am going to splinter into a thousand pieces, just not sure when.  I am afraid and I dont' know why. 
My daughter was borne a month and 2 days after my mom died, on my mom's birthday.   She is the most precious thing in my life and only when I hold her, do I feel less empty. 
I go out with my husband, socialise with my friends, laugh, eat, and do all the normal things, but it's just going through the motions.  Inside I am dead to it all.  Dead to everything but the pain and the overwhelming knowledge that I have lost my mother, my best friend, and the only person I could talk to about anything.    am not happy anymore.  And the shock of it hits me every single time, even now as I type this.  It's as if I am writing about someone else, but the feeling inside tells me that it's actually me.
Whereas I used to make sure the house was very clean and everything done on time, I am now letting it slowly slide.  I put alot off for 'tomorrow' and cannot be bothered with certain things.  I just don't have energy for it. 
And the slightest things make me tense.  My son and husband fighting makes me want to throw up, I actually start to shake.   Anything controversial or that can cause the slightest tension is too much for me.  I cannot even watch a thriller anymore, because I cannot stand the stress.
I know you're going to say I must talk to a councellor, but what do you do when you are unemployed, and councellors charge a fortune and I just dont' feel like I will be able to talk.  This is the one way I can do it, and I feel slightly better for it. 
Thanks for 'listening'.  I know I am not alone and that many people share my pain and know how I feel, and so I am glad I found this site and I will keep coming back every time I need to.
To those out there that feel like I do and have coped with a loss like this or worse, I am so sorry. 
I do think if I had to lose a child, I'd never be able to live with it.  I'd rather die too.

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