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Topics - BrokenandLost

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Main / long time no see.
« on: November 06, 2008, 10:50:31 PM »
well...  havent been online in a long time...  sorry bout that.  seems when things are goin good they are goin good, and when they are bad...  boy are they bad.
last time i was online, i told u all about my new relationship.  i remember saying that i knew it would end badly...  gosh why didnt i listen to myself??  it ended today.  two weeks after my extremely gullible self moved in with him, he decided to get back with his ex wife.  i feel so,.....  used.. and stupid.  i didnt think i could ever have feelings again.. after josh.  and when i did.. when i let myself open up again, and feel again, look what happens.  why cant anything just work out for me? 

ugh.  anyways.  thats where im at now.  sux. 
just wanted to vent a lil.  ive at least learnt that keepin it all inside doesnt do me any good. 

hope everyone is well. 

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Main / goin good...
« on: October 05, 2008, 07:57:24 AM »
i know that i came to you all a lil while back for some advice.. wanted to thank everyone for their input, i appreciate it so much.  just wanted to let you all know that its going very well.  =)  im happy.  for the first time in a long time...  i really am... its not pretend or fake anymore... its real.  and that is an awesome thing. 
its still hard sometimes, i feel guilty alot, cause my mind isnt completely consumed with josh anymore...  but just wanted to let you all know that im doing good.  and thank you so much for everything.  you are all still in my thoughts and prayers.  love, ash

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Main / met someone
« on: September 25, 2008, 02:42:07 PM »
ok so..  been a while, i know.  i have been so busy with work and school.  and somewhere in the midst of everything.....  i met someone.  im not sure how to handle it all really.  hes very understanding and supportive, but im not sure what to do with this.  ya know?  part of me feels like..  guilty.  and then part of me feels like, whats the point of starting something when its just gonna end badly?  i know i cant think like that.  ughhh.  im so stressed out.
anyways.  he is super, super sweet......  very nice.  hes not my josh tho.  and i just dont know how to get past that.
how long is long enough to start dating?  and what about serious relationship?  just when u feel ready?  what if i think i am ready and i dont end up being ready.  he has two children, young, but old enough to know im there when im there... i dont want to hurt him or his kids ya know. 
i want to be like i usedta be...  just happy and free of this.  but im not.  he makes me happier than i have been since josh passed away.  but i dont want to use that.  i hope this makes sense and someone can give me some answers.  am i crazy to be trying so soon?  its been five months.  lil over.  i dunno...

any help, advice, whatever, would be so appreciated.  thank yall so much.  and i hope that everyone is doing good on their own journey.
love, ash

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Main / finally... a good dream.
« on: September 12, 2008, 10:14:44 AM »
I finally had a good dream about josh.  All of my others ones have made no sense whatsoever, and one was so scary I had to just push it out of my thoughts.  But this one, this one was good.  I'm not real sure where we were... but it was like outside, and there was a movie playing, kind of like a drive in, but there were chairs.  And I walked up, saw him, and he just smiled.  I sat beside him, and held his hand, and he kissed me, and we just sat together and watched a movie.  It was wonderful.  There were no words that I can remember, but everything seems so...  real.  It was amazing. I wish it were real.  But, I am very thankful for that dream.  I hope to have more. 

5
Main / tonight was hard...
« on: September 04, 2008, 08:48:18 PM »
ok so...  long story short..  a friend of mines daughter is in the hospital, and i went to visit them tonight.  baylor in dallas...  man, it was difficult.  that is where josh passed away.  it was hard.  i dont remember alot of that night, but from the second i walked in the building it was like it just all came back to me.  all of it.  down to little things like the waiting rooms, the hallways, who was standing where, i was leaning on that door when they told us, mom was standing here...  gosh it was difficult.  i didnt cry.  i havent done that in a few weeks actually.  strange, but i havent.
but i felt like i was going to just break.  i wish that i could erase that night from my memory.  part of me wishes that i hadnt gone to the hospital that night..  that iwould have just waited on a phone call.  i dunno, i guess i would just have a different memory from that night if that had happened huh. 
anyways.  it just sucks.  i really felt like i was doing better.  what did i really expect tho?  to just be instantly ok?  ughh.  i know im better, but these tidal waves hit you out of nowhere dont they?  right when u think ur back to a little bit of normalcy, its right there like a slap in the face. 

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Main / been a while...
« on: September 03, 2008, 11:20:05 AM »
Well.  Again, it's been a lil while since I have been on here.. longer since I have posted.  I'm doing ok.  I never thought I would be able to say that, but I really am.  I have my hard times of course, nights that I can't sleep, or days that all I wanta do is cry.  But, for the most part, I'm ok. 
The 1st was kinda hard..  and yesterday and today...  I was standing outside last night, and it was so cool outside here, finally, and I said aloud, out of nowhere, "you missed the whole summer."  and he did..  he missed the whole summer.  but ya know what...  i made it through it.  I honestly, 100% did not think that I would.  But I did.  =) 
I have put my focuses on other things now besides Josh, and how much I miss him, and how much I wish I just understood why...  I've joined a gym, and started working out.  Which is something I missed doing..  it's good for me...  I focus on that now, and trying to lose some of this weight, and I'm going back to school.  =)

I just wanted to say thank you.  So much.  I have many people to thank for helping me, but this is one of them.  My therapist, my support groups, this site, journaling, if it wasn't for those key parts...  I don't believe that I would have made it.  I really don't.  And I want to thank everyone for that.. 
So.  I know I still have a long way to go.  I know that four and a half months is not a long time..  but I'm much better than what I was at two months.  Three months even.  I know I still have alot of firsts to go through.  And seconds.  I have heard many say that the seconds can be harder than the firsts.  But I feel like I can think a little more clearly now, and I'm ready.  I hate that I have to go through this....  but I'm going to go through it.  Where as, not too long ago, I was determined not to go through it at all.. to just give up, and now....  I have a different perspective.  My life will never be the same, no where near, but it doesn't mean that I can't keep living a good one. 
So.  That's all for now.  I pray for everyone on this site, nightly.  I thank you all so much.  And I hope that you all find comfort and peace.  -Ash

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Main / bad day
« on: August 19, 2008, 08:01:41 PM »
ok so.  i didnt get out of bed until 8pm tonight.  took a showr, now going back to bed.  horrible, horrible day.  i took a xanax bar, which i never do anymore, but i just had to.  i hate this.  its never going away. 
i read my books my therapist reccomended.  one was, no time to say goodbye.  it didnt help.  it was just stories of ppl like me, like us.  and the other was understanding suicide.  how am i supposed to understand suicide when i cant even understand the book?  wth wrote that crap anyways?  looking into their mind.  bs. 

anyways.  thanks yall but i just dont see the point in trying anymore.  i just dont. 

8
Main / Frustrated!!!!!!
« on: August 18, 2008, 09:15:28 AM »
I completely do not understand some people.  At all.  Ok so... I see today that his sister has started a "In memory of" myspace page for him.  That's great... I think it is a wonderful idea.  I go to look at it... she as over 100 friends on there already, and some of them are MY friends!  I don't understand why she can go out of her way to invite them, but I did'nt even know about it.  I know, this is so freakin petty it isn't even funny.  I just feel like it's one thing after another, always.  And it says single on there.  He wasn't single. 
It just hurts... that's all.

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Main / Can't Sleep.
« on: August 16, 2008, 10:45:20 PM »
I have not been on here much lately.  Sometimes I feel that this site helps me, and then sometimes, I think that when I get on here, and read these stories, it just makes me more upset.  When I don't get on here... I get preoccupied.  Although Josh is in almost every single thought I have.. I'm not always upset.  I don't really know how to explain it.  I feel like, when I do get on here... that it all hits me again.  I'm not sure if that is good or bad.  If I should live my life trying not to feel these things, or really face them.  Or if that is even what this is? 

On my way home today I passed his house.  And his sister is moving in.  Already moved in, I'm sure.  I was with a friend so I didn't want to break down with her, but I found myself... angry.  Like, how could she?  And I know that isn't right. 

I am also dealing with alot of guilt today.  As most days, but today is worse than usual.  The last thing he asked me... thirty minutes before he... did what he did... was to come and get him.  And I said no.  How am I supposed to just let that go?  I don't understand why I didn't just go to him?  I wanted to see him.  I was worried about him.  Why didn't I go?  I will never, ever ever forgive myself.  I don't know how I ever possibly could. 
I miss him.  So so so very much.  It's almost been four months now.  And I don't know what else to do.  I'm in therapy, support group, all of that.  It's not helping. 

Anyways.  I'm going to try and get some sleep.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope everyone is doing well.  -Ash

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Main / 3 months
« on: July 22, 2008, 10:18:21 AM »
Sunday was three months.  It's been a rough week.  Anticipating the 3 month mark.. like, something was going to happen.  I dunno.  And now.  I know that I can be completely honest on here, say things that I would never tell anyone in my life..  The 3 month mark was on a Sunday... which are always difficult for me, because it happened on a Sunday.  It's like, a weekly thing I guess.  Every time I look at the clock I go through what happened at that time on that particular Sunday.  Like, if it's 2:00, I think, I hadn't talked to him yet.  If it's 6:00, I think, I just got off the phone with him.  Crazy.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I dont want to sound all dramatic or anything, but I just don't want to do this.  I have been thinking, I dont know HOW to do this.... but who does?  I mean, none of us know HOW to get through this.  We do what we think we should... or, we just do.... whateevr... we just get through somehow.  But I dont WANT to anymore.  Its strange.... when he first passed away, I thought, I just gotta keep myself busy.. just stay busy... stay occupited with SOMETHING!  And I did.  but i find myself still doing that.  I stayed at my sister n laws for a week almost.   comletely left my life at home and just stayed there.  and for what?  i used her and her family to "stay busy."  they have three little girls, and believe me, they keep me runnin around so much that i dont have time to think about the pain i feel, or whats going on in my own life. im living my life staying so busy that im not enjoying it. 
im depressed.  thats obvious.  and of course... i dont know HOW to get out of this.  i feel stuck.  like there is just no way out.  i want some kind of closure.  i want to be able to move on with my life.  even just a little bit.  but i cant.  im stuck in the what ifs and the whys and hows and i just dont know what to do to get out of it.  i know three months isnt long, but good lord, i cant do this anymore.  i cry non stop and i have lost everything, and almost everyone.  i am sick of it.  just sick of it.  plain and simple.  dont want to live anymore.  not like this.  and that scares me so much.  i dont want to be like him.  i love and miss him so much, but i dont want to do what he did.  and its so scary that the thought even crosses my mind. 

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Main / panic
« on: July 08, 2008, 09:29:09 AM »
For some reason today is the hardest lately.  I still have not gotten out of my pajamas and its almost noon.  I am usually out the door, doing whatever I can to just stay busy.  But today I just can't make myself do even that.  I have called my close friends and I just want to tell them this.  But I just can't.  I called my mom and told her I found a therapist close that specializes in sucide grief and that I would like to go see her.  Mom said, "You think you still need that?"  Are you serious?  Did she really just ask me that?  My mom??  I just said no momma, you're right, I don't and said nevermind and hung up.  What the hell?  I am such a mess today.  I wish that I could just call him.  Just hear his voice talking back to me.  Just see his face and his big smile and feel his hands on mine.  I miss him so so much.  I can't breathe... today is awful.  I feel like I am losing it if I haven't already.  And I see no way out of this.  And that is the scareiest part of it all.  What if I never get out of this?  I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I'm scared, I really am.  I almost just wanta go back to bed so that I don't have to deal with it.  In fact, I think that is what I'm going to do.  Just go back to sleep.  And not deal with any of this shit anymore. 

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Main / Tonight...
« on: July 02, 2008, 10:04:52 PM »
Ok so.  I have been doing pretty well.  The past few days have been ok.  I find myself trying to stay so busy that I don't have time to think about him.  But the only problem with that is... the minute I slow down.... it's there.  I keep thinking that I will wake up and it will just all be a bad dream.  That my phone will ring and it will play his ringtone when he calls... lost in this moment.  Then when I think about that.. I remember him singing it.  Then the memories just pile on top of me... one after another til I feel like I can't breathe.  It's just awful.  I just want this to go away.  And I can't imagine anything feeling this horrible.  I hate that he did this.  I don't want to be so angry at him but I don't know how to change it.  I have never been so hurt or mad at someone in my entire life.  It's like... he just dangled it all in front of me to be cruel or something.  How could he have just left me like that?  It's not fair.  Nothing about this is fair.  And then I realize how freakin selfish I am being and I think about him and how much pain he must have been in to do this.  He loved his family and his friends with everything in him... I can't see him doing this. 
I want to be at peace with it.  I want this anger and misery to be over with.  I want to be able to look at a picture of him and not be so pissed off!  I wish so bad that I could just understand it.  He was never a coward before.  I know, I know.... he wasn't thinking.. he was just.. in so much pain and anguish and he wasn't thinking of the consequences.  I know.  But at the same time... how did he get to that?  I hate it.  I hate that he did this to me and everyone else.  He has made me feel like an incompetent mentally insane idiot!  And I am so damn pissed off at him.  I hate that he asked me to marry him.  I hate that I said yes.  If I had said no, at least he would have had a reason!!!  But I said yes!!  Why would you ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you and then end it all the very next damn day??  Who does that shit?! 

Ok...  I'm done venting for today.  Thank yall.  I am so thankful for this site because I see that I'm not alone.  That I'm not the only person in this world that feels these emotions.  Anyways... gonna try to get some sleep now. 

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Main / How to cope with suicide
« on: June 30, 2008, 11:17:38 AM »
I am new to this site.  I somehow stumbled upon it this morning and have spent the majority of the day just reading the stories on here.  It seems like an awesome site.  I'm very glad that I found it.  I need some help.  I guess I will try and tell my story.  I lost my friend.  He passed away from suicide in April of this year.  In some ways, it feels like it just happend, yet in other ways, it feels like it was years ago.  We dated on n off for a while.  We were back on since February.  He actually proposed to me the day before he died.  He came to my parents house and asked for my hand in marriage.  I think that makes it more difficult for me.  I have never felt so many different emotions before.  I feel pain, and anger.  Sadness, betrayal, confusion... I feel things I could never even put into words.  I miss him with all of my heart.  I feel guilt beyond repair.  I find myself just passing time.  I can't work, I can't sleep.  I can focus on anything.  I have lost touch with all of my friends... friends that were once such a huge, huge part of my life.  I just can't even talk to them anymore.  My every single thought is consumed with this.  What could I have done different... if I had just gone to him that night... if I had just taken him to the doctor myself... if I had called his father myself... if I had just stayed with him.... something.  Why didn't I do more to help him?  I knew he wasn't ok.  I knew it. 
I am no longer talking to his sister either.  We were close before his death.   She lives pretty far away, and I would go and stay a week here n there with her.  We had fun together.  Now we aren't close anymore.  She has so much hatred towards me.  She said that I am a 'Disposable person."  She feels that I shouldn't be feeling any pain about this.... I don't get that at all.  But losing her friendship has put alot more despair on this situation.  It's just too much for me to handle. 
Another thing, while I'm spilling it all in this.  I feel like I have totally lost it.  There are days that I don't even believe it.  Part of me thinks this is the denial stage or something... but then part of me really really belives that he isn't gone.  He was going through so much... I don't know exactly what I think anymore.... I didn't get any closure.  I went to the hospital.  I didn't get to see him though.  It's like, that wasn't even an option.  And there was no body at the services.  There were no ashes.  I didn't get to see him at all.  It is so hard for me to grasp.  I talked to him thirty minutes before.  He called me several times that evening.  Once he called and all he said was "I love you ashley" and hung up on me.  I was so scared.  I was.  He called me back, and he was better.  He was at his dads house, and we talked about what church was about that morning, where they ate... he was fine.  Thrirty minutes later, he supposedly shot himself.  And I don't know how to come to terms with that when I don't even 100% believe it.  I wonder if anyone else ever thinks that?  Or is it just me? 
Anyways.  I'm in need of something.  I want to live my life.  I do.  But I can't right now.  I cant seem to do anything anymore.  It's like nothing even matters.  I saw a therapist right after and she said this would pass.  It hasn't passed yet.  I dont expect it to right away, but for goodness sake, shouldnt i feel a little bit better?  thank you so much for anyone who took the time to read this mess of what my life has become.  thanks!! ???



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