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Topics - sonya

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http://twentytwowords.com/2013/08/26/widower-submits-a-song-about-his-wife-of-73-years-to-a-songwriting-contest/

I really hope that the link above works.
This is the lovely story of a 90+ yr old man who lost his wife a month before and saw a songwriting competition. He doesnt sing. He is not a musician. But he wrote this song of love for his wife. (many tissues needed but very warm and uplifting for me)
I hope that you feel as moved by this as i did. x

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Spouse, Partner Loss / bugger (hello again)
« on: August 19, 2013, 04:12:58 PM »
Hi, its been a while since I have been here. Dont know if anyone remembers me, hope you know that I remember you despite the absence.
I find myself in hideous August again.
August is when we first met (amazing hansome pretty man, full of sunshine and white teeth and a broad smile gorgeous boy), of course our first dates, years later, when we got married (the only day of sunshine in a month of rain and floods), when we last spoke. when I last saw him and hugged him and kissed him, when he died.
All these dates are different days in different years, condensed after death into a fucker of a month. Holidays in August. Cheers Tone. U buggered that right up.
For me August is fearful. The run up unpleasant. Easy mood swings in July when I forget why I am testy.
August isnt summer holidays and 6 weeks off school.
August is loss, happy loss, sad loss, regrets and if onlys , memrories and sadness. COnfusion. Confusion. Loss of memory. Inablility to make decisions. Loss of professionalisim and expertise. Loss of focus on conversations. I dont really care. Meaningless. Clumsiness. Dog biscuits in the washing machine instead of detergent. Lifting out a baking sheet from the oven with my bare hands, there's a reminder. day dreaming disfunction and

its just me now
no one remebers
its 2 years now
people have forgotten
 they seem embarrassed and confused at work, the high flyer making basic mistakes, wanting time off
no one mentions it in the family, they forgot, i seem ok i guess
people are getting on with their lives, it seems indulgent not to be able to
people ask me if i am dating,sometimes guys ask me to date the, but it still feels like cheating even tho I really want to meet someone
I am lonely
I have sex
I cry for him
I cry for me
I have friends who never met him
I have friends wh did not know me 'before'
I am lost and needcoseting
I ask for DIY advice and am told I need a man to help me with that

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Main / bugger (hello again)
« on: August 19, 2013, 03:37:04 PM »
Hi, its been a while since I have been here. Dont know if anyone remembers me, hope you know that I remember you despite the absence.
I find myself in hideous August again.
August is when we first met (amazing hansome pretty man, full of sunshine and white teeth and a broad smile gorgeous boy), of course our first dates, years later, when we got married (the only day of sunshine in a month of rain and floods), when we last spoke. when I last saw him and hugged him and kissed him, when he died.
All these dates are different days in different years, condensed after death into a fucker of a month. Holidays in August. Cheers Tone. U buggered that right up.
For me August is fearful. The run up unpleasant. Easy mood swings in July when I forget why I am testy.
August isnt summer holidays and 6 weeks off school.
August is loss, happy loss, sad loss, regrets and if onlys , memrories and sadness. COnfusion. Confusion. Loss of memory. Inablility to make decisions. Loss of professionalisim and expertise. Loss of focus on conversations. I dont really care. Meaningless. Clumsiness. Dog biscuits in the washing machine instead of detergent. Lifting out a baking sheet from the oven with my bare hands, there's a reminder. day dreaming disfunction and

its just me now
no one remebers
its 2 years now
people have forgotten
 they seem embarrassed and confused at work, the high flyer making basic mistakes, wanting time off
no one mentions it in the family, they forgot, i seem ok i guess
people are getting on with their lives, it seems indulgent not to be able to
people ask me if i am dating,sometimes guys ask me to date the, but it still feels like cheating even tho I really want to meet someone
I am lonely
I have sex
I cry for him
I cry for me
I have friends who never met him
I have friends wh did not know me 'before'
I am lost and needcoseting
I ask for DIY advice and am told I need a man to help me with that

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Update
« on: January 26, 2013, 09:25:26 AM »
Hi all,

not been on for a while so thought I would post a little update.
Like others I have a sense of çautious optimism'for 2013.

I have dcided that I now is the time for me to get out and about and meet some new people. Not made much of an effort since moving here but am now ready to.
So have told my friends of my plans and have been invited to join a treking group ( love walking and the outdoors, so perfect), another friend is looking into a climbing club ( I climbed a littel on climbing walls a few years ago and really enjoyed it), and went out with some friends last night for a brunch and some dancing.

One of my favourite things to do was cooking, I used to go down to the market with a cookbook, look at what was looking interesting and then flick through my cook ook looking for recipies over a coffee, before going and buying and then spending the afternoon cooking. My friends said I was a feeder but they all liked iti am sure.
Anyway, not done it in ages... So, pleased to say that I made lemon drizzle cupcakes the other day. Never made them before and never done any baking so was great. Have eaten far too many of them so they must have turned out well!

Small things but big deals.

SO yeah, generally optimisitc and looking forward. Still have grief, of course, work issues etc, but hey, thats just life, I am just really grateful to be looking forward and thought I would share.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / In transit again
« on: December 20, 2012, 08:20:26 AM »
Hi All,

I am off to the airport to fly to the Uk to have the season with friends.
So much better than last year when I crashed someone's family Christmas. Was pitched as hubby being on nights so just me and my friend and her young child...Got there and my first CHristmas turned out to involve 30 people. Hideous.
So this time sounds great. 6 old friends and one baby in a cabin in the woods. Lets hope that flooding not as bad as it says and ofcourse, that the Mayans got it wrong!
 Will keep my chin up and do festive and am genuinely delighted to be seeing really close friends again, but bloody hell, I really wish that there were not days of enforced merriment.
Bugger off Santa, I much prefer my moments of joy than you highjacking days and weeks when I must be merry! way too much pressure for this little bird!

Am also slightly terrified of the transition from, 'ooh its really cold today in Dubai its 17 degrees and I need to wear jumpers,' to, 'I cannot read the thermometer as my eyes have welded shut,' actual minus degrees...Have become such a softie after 3 months in the heat! Have also managed to lose the one warm jumper that I brought with me for going back in :(

So, very excited to see friends, bah humbug for the actual days, will attempt to glide through it all in a haze of red wine and food comas xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Tony #
« on: December 04, 2012, 10:33:56 AM »
Hey,

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Spouse, Partner Loss / lonely
« on: November 22, 2012, 07:33:05 AM »
I really miss Tone. I miss so many little things.
But I feel lonely and want love back in my life again.
I feel conflicted
Like I am saying to the world that I want to replace him, and of course I can never do that....But I think I am a good person, and I choose life. I want to experience that amazing feeling of loving and being loved and in love again. I want a family.
And I wonder how I can do that. How can I love Tone and whole-heartedly love another?
Would it be fair on the other person. The lingering love?
Is it something that we all have to accept as we age and find new partners...That beyond a certain age there was the other love..The wife lost through divorce, the boyfriend who didnt feel the same way: do these loves leave that same imprint? The indelible stain, tattoos on the heart?
It sounds like I am looking for someone willing to compromise, when I am not. I dont want a second best, I want a second love. I want to be swept away and head over heels. I want that bliss and small annoyances and the daily routine.
Maybe I am getting ready to live and love again. Maybe its time.....

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Donkey!
« on: November 07, 2012, 11:21:30 AM »
Thought i'd share this because it made me laugh and because it reminds me to be mindful of one of my favourite sayings...:

As lots of you know I recently moved and got a new job.

Well its now time for the boss to come and observe everyone individually. Not at all uncommon, but I bit worried about it as she a bitch, so just expecting her to focus on the negative rather than offering supportive critique.

Anyway, all prepped and prepared, lesson resourced, classroom sparkling and kids excited about the visit from the head because I have told them that she is coming because she heard how amazing they are!
Slight nerves.
lesson begins. She doesnt come. Maybe she is running late. Start the lesson. Kids now start asking when she coming. And they are now more distracted by the fact she is not here! ......
Lesson ends.
I moan to a couple of friends that she didnt show. Obviously she must have been called away to deal with some urgent matter but means I have to do it all again at some unknown point.

.......No thats not what happened at all....Just checked. Today is the 7th. Its next bloody week not this week! What a donkey!
Good thing I am not doing a really important job like educating the youth!

Son x


Oh and the saying:
1, Don't stress the small stuff.
2, Remember its all small.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / The letter that I will not send...
« on: October 17, 2012, 10:00:33 AM »
Dear colleagues,

I have known you all but a brief time. I think that you are an amazing , warm, friendly and immensely talented group of people to work with.
As my role is slightly peripheral to the majority of you, I have not needed to attend many of the meetings and directives that you have.

I was so shocked and saddened yesterday evening to find 2 staff members in tears, to hear that others had been. To find people with over 30 years of experience doubting their credibility and professionalism in the face of what members of the senior management team had conveyed.

I would like to say.... You are all married or in relationships with a significant other. Work is not that important. Dont not sacrifice your own well-being and that of the people you will spend your retirement with for a temporary role.
 I lost my love, my partner, my true soul mate. Work is not meaningless, but less all consuming than it was. As are most things. Love yourself and be true to who you are. And that is...a wife, partner, lover, mother, friend, relation, colleague.

....If you think that the order of relational importance should be reversed, put up with being spoken to like crap from your boss, work more hours than you do anything else, stay in a job in which you are unhappy, do not fight your corner.

I thought that grief was just an horrific burden.  I am finding that it is making me grow in unimaginable ways.  I could have done with an easier path to this understanding and Tone by my side right now,....but I am grateful for the learnings and thought I might share.
Hope this day finds you well, being kind to yourself, and having luaghed at something today xxx

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Spouse, Partner Loss / telling new people
« on: October 05, 2012, 09:49:54 PM »
As you know I moved to Dubai 6 weeks ago.
HAve met lots of great friends at work...
And now comes the awful point of telling these people about Tony.
I miss him so much and he is a massive part of me. Its hard to know what to say.
Its even harder to have new people in my life who dont know him and never will. that he will never meet them makes me so very sad.
:(

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Tone's funeral was today
« on: September 04, 2012, 08:54:45 PM »
We cremated the love of my life today in 2011.
I cannot believe that a year has gone by since he died and today was the day of the funeral.

I have flashes of memories from that day and those surrounding it.

Day, painful keening. Crying and disbelief.

Today I am shocked and saddened. It still seems so unreal that he is gone and will never return. It is not just young children who cannot comprehend the permenance of death, for I feel it too.

Can I let him go? Remember him in the past? Will that work when I still talk to him in the present?

I have changed so much. Am no longer the person that he knew and loved.

I am older. Deepened by the experience of so much pain and loss. I feel like I am another version of me. The 'beforé'SOnya is behind the glass.

But I also feel like I am emerging. I laugh more and look to the future more.
The experience of his death has made me more tolerant of others. More kind and giving. Though of course I am no Mother Teresa!
I no loner stress the small things as I once did. I count my blessings everyday.
Although I swing back to life being pointless, I mainly focus on living my best life for him, that he can experience all the joys and experiences in life through me, that he was not able to be here for himself.

I practice being positive. I know this week that I am drinking and smoking too much but thats ok. I accept that this week. Nxt week I will start again. I will be this new person that I am. I will take good care of myself.

I miss him.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / just a quick hello
« on: August 16, 2012, 10:08:52 AM »
Hi all,

just a really quick hello. Thank you so much for your thoughts over these last few weeks. I really appreciate it and have not replied as still have no internet at home and really dont feel like writing much in the library.
Hope that you are all keeping well. Take care and I look forward to getting internet sorted in Dubai in the next few weeks and getting back online again.
Take care,
Son xx

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Spouse, Partner Loss / grrr pffft growl arrrghhh
« on: July 12, 2012, 07:26:34 AM »
BUGGER OFF YOU HORRIBLE RUDE WOMAN. I DO NOT LIKE YOU. I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY THAT YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO ME AND I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE APPARENTLY GOING TO BE IN A SUPERVISORY CAPACITY WHERE I WORK. RUDE VILE PERSON.



there thats better. if only i could not be such a mouse in reality, just in case they die after i argue with them. This appears to be the main reason for my turning the other cheek. Absolutely nothing to do with not hurting other people\s feelings, just two arguments followed by two deaths!

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Tone and the pesto jar
« on: July 03, 2012, 01:47:45 AM »
Well today I decided to spread some of Tone ashes at Birkrigg Common. My friend will collect me from work at 6pm and drive me there.   

Its a place that he used to go to a lot. He used to fly power kites up there if the tide was in and he couldnt go kiteboarding on the beach. He lived up there in his van for a while. Its where we are going to have a picnic next month for his anniversary. But I have not been there since I came back and decided it was important that I go before the picnic, so that it is a little less overwhelming on the day, because I want it to be a day of celebration, not of mourning.

So the ashes. Well there were family issues over the 'real' ones so I do not have them and they have been scattered somewhere crap. But, I took some of his things that no one wanted, down to the beach and made a fire and wrote a letter and popped that in too and collected a jam jar of ashes (having knocked over the bucket by accident and nearly setting fire to have the beach! There is a theme brewing here!)

So last night I looked through my photo albums and decanted some of his ashes. I had meant to buy a small container but had not sorted it out. So instead I found an empty pesto jar. Chose that as he was not that keen on olives which was the alternative. Had a slight incident with spillage over my coursework but luckily managed to sweep him in and did not have to hoover him up!
I know this post may seem irreverent...And it is. But the whole thing, like knocking him over on the beach, made me giggle. I've always been clumsy and it would have made him laugh, so it made me smile too. I thought that if anyone could laugh at this dark humour it would be you guys.

So today I walked the five miles into work. Set off quite well but listening to a placebo song just set me off and I bealed most of the way into work. Think I may have disturbed some of the youth on their way into school; passing a little weeping woman at 8 in the morning, listening to her ipod and, unbeknownst to them, carrying her sweet prince in an empty pesto jar to be released to the winds on Birkrigg Common.

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Guess where I am today?
« on: June 27, 2012, 02:42:34 PM »
GGGGGgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh fffffffffftttttt


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