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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: cannot do this alone
« on: April 11, 2011, 08:19:49 PM »
Thank you Terry. I a so sorry for your loss as well. I would not wish this on anyone but it is nice knowing there are others around that understand and I am not alone.
I'm not good at expressing feelings so not sure how this will all go here but knowing that this site exists helps. I'm going to see a pastoral counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping that will help. I'm very nervous and am hoping I will feel comforable to talk to him. I tried a psychologist but did not feel he helped much. I was having some pretty bad anxiety and did not even realize how bad. I was so tense that my jaw muscles messed up and I could barely open my mouth. The psychologist tried to do some relaxation thing on me with my eyes closed but that just made me more tense. I did not feel comfortable with my eyes closed around him (another long story) I'm bad about keeping things inside. It also depends on the timing of the visit. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling.
I've been going to church and feel it helps a lot. The message is always very relavent. I keep hearing about God being in control of everything, that there is a big picture, things happen for a reason... I understand that but feel bad that sometimes I question that. I have put my trust in God but at the same time I cannot help but go through spells of asking "why?"
There have been so many things happen in my life. I finally found my soul mate. We were very close and did everything together. He was such a wonderful man and was sooooo good to me. I know bad things happened to me in the past but then I found him and now I keep wondering why God had to take him so soon.
I think about this and then I feel selfish for thinking this way. After all, my husband is the one that died and I feel selfish for worrying about my own feelings.
I feel very lonely and then I feel selfish for feeling that too. I'm used to helping others and usually don't express my own feelings to others. Now I feel very selfish for talking about my own feelings and pouting about having trouble handling things.
I feel selfish for feeling lonely and sad since he is the one that died and at the same time I feel guilty when I feel good. On good days, I wonder why I'm feeling good. I think I should be feeling bad and I'm awful for being happy.
See here I go. You lost a child...others have had major losses... Now I feel selfish again for venting my own feelings. This is what I mean. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it. Others are dealing with the same or worse every day. This is how I feel every day but I cannot help venting sometimes so it is all confusing. I feel bad if I talk and bad if I don't.
This is barely a fraction of the feelings I have right now but it's all I can say for now.
Michelle
I'm not good at expressing feelings so not sure how this will all go here but knowing that this site exists helps. I'm going to see a pastoral counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping that will help. I'm very nervous and am hoping I will feel comforable to talk to him. I tried a psychologist but did not feel he helped much. I was having some pretty bad anxiety and did not even realize how bad. I was so tense that my jaw muscles messed up and I could barely open my mouth. The psychologist tried to do some relaxation thing on me with my eyes closed but that just made me more tense. I did not feel comfortable with my eyes closed around him (another long story) I'm bad about keeping things inside. It also depends on the timing of the visit. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling.
I've been going to church and feel it helps a lot. The message is always very relavent. I keep hearing about God being in control of everything, that there is a big picture, things happen for a reason... I understand that but feel bad that sometimes I question that. I have put my trust in God but at the same time I cannot help but go through spells of asking "why?"
There have been so many things happen in my life. I finally found my soul mate. We were very close and did everything together. He was such a wonderful man and was sooooo good to me. I know bad things happened to me in the past but then I found him and now I keep wondering why God had to take him so soon.
I think about this and then I feel selfish for thinking this way. After all, my husband is the one that died and I feel selfish for worrying about my own feelings.
I feel very lonely and then I feel selfish for feeling that too. I'm used to helping others and usually don't express my own feelings to others. Now I feel very selfish for talking about my own feelings and pouting about having trouble handling things.
I feel selfish for feeling lonely and sad since he is the one that died and at the same time I feel guilty when I feel good. On good days, I wonder why I'm feeling good. I think I should be feeling bad and I'm awful for being happy.
See here I go. You lost a child...others have had major losses... Now I feel selfish again for venting my own feelings. This is what I mean. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it. Others are dealing with the same or worse every day. This is how I feel every day but I cannot help venting sometimes so it is all confusing. I feel bad if I talk and bad if I don't.
This is barely a fraction of the feelings I have right now but it's all I can say for now.
Michelle
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Spouse, Partner Loss / cannot do this alone
« on: April 10, 2011, 05:41:01 PM »
Please. I anyone here? I posted earlier under introductions but no one is around to talk to. Maybe that is the wrong place. It was my first post so I don't know how to do this.
I don't want to repeat what I said earlier. To make a long story short, my husband passed away on January 28th. It has been a roller coaster ride... Tonight is just awful. The roller coaster is on the down slope and I'm at the point of thinking I cannot go on alone...
I just want someone to talk to. It's so hard being alone...
Michelle
I don't want to repeat what I said earlier. To make a long story short, my husband passed away on January 28th. It has been a roller coaster ride... Tonight is just awful. The roller coaster is on the down slope and I'm at the point of thinking I cannot go on alone...
I just want someone to talk to. It's so hard being alone...
Michelle
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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: April 10, 2011, 03:11:29 PM »
Hi,
My name is Michelle and I lost my husband on January 28th. He was 50 years old. This is my first time here so I'm not sure what I am doing.
My husband was most definitely my soul mate. We did everything together... He died suddenly of a heart attack. It still does not feel real. He left me a voice mail when he left work that day telling me how much he loved me and those were the last words I heard from him. I erased the message before I knew what the day would bring. I can never get it back.
I read what someone else wrote about it being like a roller coaster ride and I feel exactly like that. I feel good one day and think I can get through it and then the next moment it is all I can do to make myself go on.
Today is one of those days. I just don't know how to live without him. I have been going to church and constantly try to think that God has a plan and there is a reason "a bigger picture"... but I still find myself wondering why this had to happen.
None of my family lives near me. I don't talk much about myself or my feelings and don't want them to go out of their way. Actually no one lives near me. I feel very isolated right now but don't like to bother anyone. I am always pleasent... in front of people. My brother keeps saying I am so strong and I'm going so much better than he would be doing. This just makes me wonder how I'm supposed to be acting. He does not know what I feel on the inside.
Yesterday was the first time I went to see my family since everything happened. They were having a suprise 10th anniversary party for my brother and his wife. I did not think anything about it until I got there and saw the photo album of memories that was made for them... It hit me really hard and I had to hold back tears. My husband and I will never have a 10th anniversary...
Our 8 year anniversary will be on Mother's Day weekend. I have a work related committement that weekend. I don't know what to expect then. I never know when it will all hit me. Sometimes I want to just drive away and disappear and never come back. I don't know how to do this without him. I have to work to survive but I cannot fully concentrate on work.
My name is Michelle and I lost my husband on January 28th. He was 50 years old. This is my first time here so I'm not sure what I am doing.
My husband was most definitely my soul mate. We did everything together... He died suddenly of a heart attack. It still does not feel real. He left me a voice mail when he left work that day telling me how much he loved me and those were the last words I heard from him. I erased the message before I knew what the day would bring. I can never get it back.
I read what someone else wrote about it being like a roller coaster ride and I feel exactly like that. I feel good one day and think I can get through it and then the next moment it is all I can do to make myself go on.
Today is one of those days. I just don't know how to live without him. I have been going to church and constantly try to think that God has a plan and there is a reason "a bigger picture"... but I still find myself wondering why this had to happen.
None of my family lives near me. I don't talk much about myself or my feelings and don't want them to go out of their way. Actually no one lives near me. I feel very isolated right now but don't like to bother anyone. I am always pleasent... in front of people. My brother keeps saying I am so strong and I'm going so much better than he would be doing. This just makes me wonder how I'm supposed to be acting. He does not know what I feel on the inside.
Yesterday was the first time I went to see my family since everything happened. They were having a suprise 10th anniversary party for my brother and his wife. I did not think anything about it until I got there and saw the photo album of memories that was made for them... It hit me really hard and I had to hold back tears. My husband and I will never have a 10th anniversary...
Our 8 year anniversary will be on Mother's Day weekend. I have a work related committement that weekend. I don't know what to expect then. I never know when it will all hit me. Sometimes I want to just drive away and disappear and never come back. I don't know how to do this without him. I have to work to survive but I cannot fully concentrate on work.
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