Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - michelle1

Pages: [1]
1
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: cannot do this alone
« on: April 11, 2011, 08:19:49 PM »
Thank you Terry.  I a so sorry for your loss as well.  I would not wish this on anyone but it is nice knowing there are others around that understand and I am not alone. 

I'm not good at expressing feelings so not sure how this will all go here but knowing that this site exists helps.  I'm going to see a pastoral counselor tomorrow.  I'm hoping that will help.  I'm very nervous and am hoping I will feel comforable to talk to him.  I tried a psychologist but did not feel he helped much.  I was having some pretty bad anxiety and did not even realize how bad.  I was so tense that my jaw muscles messed up and I could barely open my mouth.  The psychologist tried to do some relaxation thing on me with my eyes closed but that just made me more tense.  I did not feel comfortable with my eyes closed around him (another long story)  I'm bad about keeping things inside.  It also depends on the timing of the visit.  Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I've been going to church and feel it helps a lot.  The message is always very relavent.  I keep hearing about God being in control of everything, that there is a big picture, things happen for a reason... I understand that but feel bad that sometimes I question that.  I have put my trust in God but at the same time I cannot help but go through spells of asking "why?"

There have been so many things happen in my life.  I finally found my soul mate.  We were very close and did everything together.  He was such a wonderful man and was sooooo good to me.  I know bad things happened to me in the past but then I found him and now I keep wondering why God had to take him so soon.

I think about this and then I feel selfish for thinking this way.  After all, my husband is the one that died and I feel selfish for worrying about my own feelings.

I feel very lonely and then I feel selfish for feeling that too.  I'm used to helping others and usually don't express my own feelings to others.  Now I feel very selfish for talking about my own feelings and pouting about having trouble handling things. 

I feel selfish for feeling lonely and sad since he is the one that died and at the same time I feel guilty when I feel good.  On good days, I wonder why I'm feeling good.  I think I should be feeling bad and I'm awful for being happy.

See here I go.  You lost a child...others have had major losses... Now I feel selfish again for venting my own feelings.  This is what I mean.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it.  Others are dealing with the same or worse every day.  This is how I feel every day but I cannot help venting sometimes so it is all confusing.  I feel bad if I talk and bad if I don't.

This is barely a fraction of the feelings I have right now but it's all I can say for now.


Michelle

2
Spouse, Partner Loss / cannot do this alone
« on: April 10, 2011, 05:41:01 PM »
Please.  I anyone here?  I posted earlier under introductions but no one is around to talk to.  Maybe that is the wrong place.  It was my first post so I don't know how to do this. 

I don't want to repeat what I said earlier.  To make a long story short, my husband passed away on January 28th.  It has been a roller coaster ride... Tonight is just awful.  The roller coaster is on the down slope and I'm at the point of thinking I cannot go on alone...

I just want someone to talk to.  It's so hard being alone...

Michelle

3
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: April 10, 2011, 03:11:29 PM »
Hi,

My name is Michelle and I lost my husband on January 28th.  He was 50 years old.  This is my first time here so I'm not sure what I am doing.

My husband was most definitely my soul mate.  We did everything together... He died suddenly of a heart attack.  It still does not feel real.  He left me a voice mail when he left work that day telling me how much he loved me and those were the last words I heard from him.  I erased the message before I knew what the day would bring.  I can never get it back.

I read what someone else wrote about it being like a roller coaster ride and I feel exactly like that.  I feel good one day and think I can get through it and then the next moment it is all I can do to make myself go on.
Today is one of those days.   I just don't know how to live without him.  I have been going to church and constantly try to think that God has a plan and there is a reason "a bigger picture"... but I still find myself wondering why this had to happen.

None of my family lives near me.  I don't talk much about myself or my feelings and don't want them to go out of their way.  Actually no one lives near me.  I feel very isolated right now but don't like to bother anyone.  I am always pleasent... in front of people.  My brother keeps saying I am so strong and I'm going so much better than he would be doing.  This just makes me wonder how I'm supposed to be acting.  He does not know what I feel on the inside.

Yesterday was the first time I went to see my family since everything happened.  They were having a suprise 10th anniversary party for my brother and his wife.  I did not think anything about it until I got there and saw the photo album  of memories that was made for them... It hit me really hard and I had to hold back tears.  My husband and I will never have a 10th anniversary...

Our 8 year anniversary will be on Mother's Day weekend.  I have a work related committement that weekend.  I don't know what to expect then.  I never know when it will all hit me.  Sometimes I want to just drive away and disappear and never come back.  I don't know how to do this without him.  I have to work to survive but I cannot fully concentrate on work.

Pages: [1]